By Elayne Savage, PhD
Image by John Hain from Pixabay
I’m writing today about RESPECT and how important it is for our relationships to be running smoothly: Personal, Workplace and as we have been seeing lately, Political.
However, respectful interactions seem to be more and more infrequent. A lack of respect seems to be permeating our homes and country and our world.
When I’m working with clients — workplace or couples or families lately I’m noticing that respect has become frayed and tattered and torn and sometimes practically non-existent.
Misunderstandings and hurt feelings and anger and resentment seem to be filling the space and there is barely room for connection.
Isomorphism/Parallel Process
Like me, many of you, may have grown up in a confusing and chaotic environment of Alternative Facts. Falsehoods. Deceptions. Deflections. Concealment. Evasion. Misrepresentation. And Secrecy.
And all too often these many years later the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult.
Every day I feel increasingly contaminated by the negative energy of the lack of respect in the world. I hate the way I seem to be absorbing it. And it has been affecting my interactions with others . . . and with myself.
Have you, too, been experiencing increased contentious behaviors in your family or work? Or have you found yourself reactive and losing control more than usual?
What Is All This Mirroring About?
It is useful here to understand the concept of isomorphism (sometimes referred to as ‘parallel process’ or ‘social contagion.’)
You’ve probably noticed how images in TV commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example as you watch, a human face changes into a lion’s face or an antelope transforms into a car.
Well, this is what happens with many interactions as well. One context morphs into another — taking on similar properties.
Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another, a reflection of one attitude by the other.
We pick up the mood or energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it – often unknowingly.
We tend to look to our community and state and country and world leaders for direction and modeling.
When attitude, character and temperament seem to trickle down, this is isomorphism.
When various behaviors, ideas and attitudes are transmitted from one context to another, often replicating the same chaos and uncertainty, this is isomorphism.
When there is a culture of disrespect that affects regional or national or global interactions, this is isomorphism.
When our interactions with family or friends or neighbors or coworkers or colleagues appear to be permeated and influenced by the negative qualities and actions of our leaders this is isomorphism.
Can you see how this culture of disrespect, attitude, character and temperament can trickle down to family, business and even global interactions.
And there is something highly contagious about this kind of volatile, contentious, pervasive and toxic behavior.
Could it be that many of us of catching the disrespect virus that keeps popping up all around us?
Let’s take a look at how Psychological Projection and Isomorphism/Parallel Process often accompany each other and result in boundary confusion.
Psychological Projection Can Be Crazy-making
Psychological projection – The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. One person blames the other for their own unacceptable behavior, undesirable thoughts and feelings, or their own limitations.
The other person may be projecting onto you their own dark side, their own blind spots.
If our family or peers or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up in our interactions and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'
And if they do start to pop up, they can make us really nervous.
Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to another person or group.
We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we need to see ourselves.
Have you noticed how traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself?
These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.
When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can often rid yourself of the anxiety that it brings up.
Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.
Psychological projection exists in our personal and professional relationships . . . and seemingly in the political arena as well.
We see it in politics all the time: in the form of accusations made by one party about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, the economic crisis, influence peddling, secret money deals, negative ads.
A recent example is the accusation by Congressman James Comer, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, about a $200,000 check and a $40,000 check written to Joe Biden by his brother’s wife which are notated as a repayment of loans.
The committee chair is accusing that the check is a secret payment for some sort of influence peddling of the Biden name. There are copies of both checks on file stating the transaction is repayment of two loans that Joe Biden had earlier wired separately to his brother.
Interestingly, reporters have recently discovered there happens to also be an exchange of $200,000 between the Chairman and his own brother regarding what appears to be questionable real estate dealings.
I can’t help but wonder if the Chairman might be feeling guilty about his own family transactions and projecting his guilt onto the Biden family! Some reporters are talking about doing more scratching below the surface.
Oh my — how did our world lose its grip on acting respectfully and on the ability to be empathic?
How did so many of us turn into angry, volatile, resentful, disrespectful human beings?
It IS often a struggle not to take these words and actions personally when we feel in our gut that they are meant to be hurtful and degrading and and especially when they are retaliatory for even a small perceived slight.
I honestly think that it mostly has to do with the process of absorbing mean-spirited attitudes from the people around us — especially from our leaders.
It’s as if we are being given permission by the highest offices in the land to act out in similar ways to what we have observed happening a few years ago in the White House and more recently in Congress, ways that normally would cross our boundaries of appropriateness and propriety and honesty.
It’s hard to ignore the rampant disrespect being flung about every day — taunting, smearing, mocking, insulting, attacking . . . and bullying.
Bullying is Incredibly Disrespectful
On a personal note, I find myself having a visceral response when I hear our elected officers resorting to name-calling to try to get under each others skin.
I was often subjected to this kind of taunting behavior in grade and high school.
I hated being the brunt of bullying back then — i always hoping for protection from the grownups, which didn’t happen. I didn’t feel safe in those days and a replay of that anxiety tends to creep in now.
Hearing all this present day political bullying makes me cringe. The taunting makes me sick to my stomach.
Too many hurtful childhood memories here, I guess.
Bullies tend to puff themselves up when they are feeling unsure, insignificant, anxious, vulnerable or fearful. Folks tend to inflate themselves in different ways – bragging or boasting, self-absorption and needing to be filled with a sense of self-importance.
A popular way of inflating oneself is by disrespectfully diminishing the other person through put-downs, insults and mockery.
Demonizing and Weaponizing
So many folks find themselves demonizing and weaponizing these days. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without disrespecting other points of view. It is a real challenge to try to talk issues and national and world events in an objective way.
But something bigger is going on.across several different contexts.
I’ve been a couples and family therapist for several decades. Mostly our sessions include difficult to discuss feelings and experiences. Because I teach respect, clients say being in the presence of the therapist (me) encourages their ability to express themselves on hard to talk about challenges. Even though Interactions include angry or hurtful feelings, they used to stay respectful of each other.
But something different has been happening the last few months! The respect that has accompanied sessions seems to be eroding. I’m hearing more hurtful, and mean-spirited and disrespectful language — yes, even vile!
What’s happening? My guess is that folks could be absorbing their language and lack of restraint from what they are witnessing from our political leaders.
I’d sure love to see more mirroring of respectful interactions.
I’d love to see instances where mirroring reflects mostly positive and respectful interactions in the various contexts of our lives.
And I’d especially appreciate seeing positive and respectful modeling coming from the highest offices in the land.
© Elayne Savage PhD
Until next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking relationship books published in 9 languages.Both books are now available on Kindle!To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION from Amazon:amzn.to/2bEGDqu
To order BREATHING ROOM – CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE from Amazon:amzn.to/2bAHmIL
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