By Elayne Savage, PhD
Taking things personally is almost always related to feeling rejected in some way.
Rejection involves feeling 'dissed': dismissed, disbelieved, disdained, disregarded,
discarded. There are dozens of facets of perceived rejection.
Most 'communication' problems translate to:
"Misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings, anger and resentment.
Resentment takes up so much space in the relationship, there is
barely room for connection (or intimacy.)"
"Communication" means learning to be clear and specific. Making
sure the other understands what is being stated or requested. Not
leaving space to "fill in the blanks" with presumptions, assumptions
and guesses.
Consider saying;
"This is what I heard you say."
"Is it What you said?"
"Is it what you meant?"
"Communication" also means respecting and understanding style
differences, rather than considering them a threat.
People complain to each other far too easily. They don't know
what they need or how to ask for it clearly and respectfully. In other
words, coming from a place of yearning rather than from complaining.
Makes all the difference in the world.
- Good communication means putting yourself in the other person's
shoes, having some understanding of how the other person's history
affects their actions and words. "Ask yourself, "How might they be
feeling?"
- Keeping expectations realistic and avoiding disappointments.
Disappointments feel like rejection, and lead to hurt feelings
and resentment.
- Most folks need some help identifying their feelings and needs and
respectfully communicating them. Respect is the key here.
- In a tense situation, taking a 'time out' works wonders.
Take a few breaths, count silently to 10, go into another room
and drink a glass of water. Or say "I want to collect my thoughts -
I'll be back in 1/2 hour." And be back when you promise.
- And most importantly don't take things so personally. It only builds
resentment which robs any relationship of space for connection.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Dr. Elayne Savage specializes in improving communication and connection in personal and workplace relationships. She is a practicing psychotherapist, workplace relationship consultant, professional speaker and author of relationship books published in 9 languages: Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection, and Breathing Room-Creating Space to Be a Couple
Elayne's blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
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