And here comes Thanksgiving. For some it's a holiday of conflicting feelings — clashing and banging against each other.
There may be a part of you that looks forward to this holiday. After all, Thanksgiving offers an invitation to show gratitude and appreciation for the amazing people and experiences in your life. And, too, this
holiday gives permission to appreciate YOU — for who you are and what you have become. And perhaps for what you have overcome.
Thanksgiving provides us with the venue to be appreciative.
However, there may also be a part of you that has some uneasiness with this holiday. The part of you that stresses about planning or preparing or serving. The part of you that dreads dealing with the
'attitudes' of annoying or disgusting relatives.
Pass the Rejection Please
Holiday get-togethers can lead to tense moments, especially in these stressful times.
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, we're thoroughly indoctrinated by the commercials. We even begin to believe those ads. We begin dreaming of a Norman Rockwell kind of Thanksgiving family gathering.
Each year you find yourself crossing your fingers and hoping it's going to be different from past experiences. Are you disappointed yet again? Does someone say or do something that ruins everything for you?
Before your eyes, the scene turns into Theatre of the Absurd.
One minute the family is getting along like a Rockwell painting and the next minute they’re at each other’s throats, because someone said or did the "wrong" thing. Some one copped an 'attitude,' or was
too judgmental, or critical or dismissive or condescending. And someone takes something personally.
Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big dose of rejection.
Talking to the Turkeys at the Table
How can you make sure your holiday gatherings don't end up in battles, choosing sides, and hurt feelings?
Here are some tips for getting through the Holidays:
* Mom is doing her Queen of the Kitchen number. She insists on using her salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical.
- Why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.
- Remind yourself, "Mom's being her Mom-self."
Mom's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.
- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.
- Be direct. Say "'Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject.'"
Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.
- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.
- By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.
- And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.
Aunt Sally's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
* Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?
- Remember you have choices now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices.
- Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.
- Having a talk with him about it in a sober moment will be more effective than trying to talk to him at the table.
Dad's behavior is another good example of Theatre of the Absurd.
"Excuse Me . . ."
Let's look at some effective ways of taking care of yourself.
- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen and get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.
- Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?”
- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees respect in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.
Opt-in to Time-outs
Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking time-outs.
Here's a great 'time-out' if you are visiting out-of-town relatives. Consider renting a car. This “time-out” lets you be independent about your transportation. You can take a day-trip during your stay
if you need to escape from the stress of family. You can also take long walks or visit old friends or old haunts.
The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
Remember: actions that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you. People project their own uncomfortable characteristics onto you. Often these are blind spots and they're not aware of
doing it.
For example, let's go back to the dinner table and Aunt Sally. When she sees how embarrassed you are by her teasing and says, "You always were too sensitive," she's most likely talking about herself.
In fact, Mom later recalls, "When we were growing up, Sally always took things personally!"
This Feeling is Too Hot to Handle
Sometimes a thought or feeling is too hot to handle. Because it causes discomfort or anxiety we might fling it toward another person. This projection onto others is usually notpart of our awareness.
In Breathing Room I describe projection:
"Projection is when you mistakenly imagine certain traits exist in the other person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned parts of yourself.
It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.
People deal with all kinds of unacknowledged feelings including anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."
Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in Breathing Room:
"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."
Thanks for the Opportunity
Thanksgiving offers a unique opportunity. Consider how on this one day a year it's perfectly OK to tell people we appreciate them. For many of us, acknowledging appreciation isn't easy. Sometimes it helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason.
Happy Thanksgiving . . .
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage, PhD, is called ‘The Queen of Rejection’ for a reason – she’s been taking things personally much of her life. She is a practicing psychotherapist, relationship and workplace coach and author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection. You’ll find lots of communication tips at TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
Website: www.QueenofRejection.com
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