Elayne Savage's Communication Tips

The Dirty Little Secret of 'Blended Families'

By Elayne Savage, PhD

One of the most damaging ‘dirty little secrets’ of "Blended Families" is the unrealistic expectation that there will be a seamless “blending.’ These expectations are a set-up for hurtful misunderstandings and disappointments.

Feelings get hurt. Someone feels rejected and takes something personally. And these hurts can lead to anger and resentment, taking up so much space in the relationship, there is barely any room available for connection.

Too often, when unrealistic expectations about easy, seamless blending occur, my image is of family members throwing everything into a blender and being surprised when the result often causes a breakdown in communication and makes a mess.

One of my most popular speaking programs is ‘Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China’ describing how family ‘ways’ get passed down through the generations. These infused ways are, of course, what newly forming families have to recognize, identify and learn to navigate.

As a family therapist I love to be able to work with a newly forming family addressing the complexities of situations that might arise:  different styles of thinking and being, rules of each family regarding mealtime routines, dinner table behaviors, bedtime routines, private time, use of devices, homework practices, chore responsibilities, gift-giving expectations, feelings about what behavior is respectful and what is disrespectful, and what their cultural, ethnic and gender influences might be. In other words, Grandma’s ‘ways.’

I help these families communicate directly and clearly their needs and hopes to each other. We talk about what their expectations have been, any unmet expectations, and accompanying disappointment. Putting words to these feelings can help avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings.  

Our family work includes helping them navigate ways to develop respect for each other's ‘styles’ and overcoming the loyalty and betrayal barriers that have rarely been identified and examined before we talk together. 
 
I don’t love the term stepfamily, but I use it. Usually I ask my clients what term they prefer, and if they like ‘blended’ I just throw in the caveat about expectations and disappointments.

For myself, I think I’ll stick with the term ’newly-formed.’

 

© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Tips for Surviving Family Get-togethers

By Elayne Savage, PhD
 
Even though you know better, each year you might find yourself
engaging in some wishful thinking.

Maybe you were hoping that magically your family gathering will
turn into the picture-perfect settings you've been seeing on TV.

Or you were hoping mom will praise you for your salad-making  
talents because really went out of your way this year. Instead,
Mom  makes her own salad dressing to put on your salad, "because
yours was never very good."

Or you took special pains to dress up for dinner and Dad  
says, "Are you wearing THAT to the table?"

Or you're bursting with pride about your new professional
accomplishments and  want to be recognized.  Yet family members
are still comparing you to your cousin Tracy.

Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big
dose of rejection. And these feelings can lead to some pretty
tense moments.

It's Easy to Feel Like a Little Kid Again

An interesting thing often happens to us at these family
get-togethers. It's easy to feel like a little kid again.
Like magic, we're transported back in time.

When we were small, if someone teased us or acted badly
around us, we had no clue that we had choices. We just had
to stay there and take it.

Keep reminding yourself that you DO have Choices now. You
can excuse yourself, gracefully leave the room and regain
your composure.

This brings us to some tips on some good ways to take care
of yourself. If you start practicing now you'll be an expert
by the time the Holidays roll around.

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Here are a few ways to take TIME-OUTS to collect your
thoughts and your composure. Excusing yourself, slow
breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help
regain your balance (and your dignity.)

-In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says
or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to
get a drink of water.

-At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me,
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a
few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle
this?”

-If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car.
This lets you BE INDEPENDENT about your transportation. You
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stress
of family if you need to.

When someone's behavior is obnoxious, rather than overreacting
and glaring at them, why not try a different tack?

-Try to find something you can like about that person. For
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt
is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes.  
Then concentrate on that redeemable feature.

When the person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more likely
to respond positively to you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Gift-giving Tips – Keeping Expectations Reasonable and Avoiding Disappointment

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present? Sometimes retracing you steps — in the store of online — a few times before you actually make a decision and a purchase.

Gifts can  be a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you  don't get what you hoped for.  And you try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

But wait, you're not done feeling rejected yet. Now you tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you. If they did, they'd have known what you had in mind.

Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop and shop for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find yourself waiting with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store? What do you tell yourself?

And what about giving gift cards?  The media hype has been "Gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true enough for the folks who love to shop. They love gift cards because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out the perfect gift for themselves.  

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card could even feel like a personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver doesn't care enough about them to shop for them.

In other words, they're taking it personally.Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like rejection.

The way we are most comfortable celebrating now often  has to do with the way in which our own family celebrated (or not.) In my years of coaching clients through the angst of the Holidays, I’ve come to believe the bottom line is to remind yourself the each family has “their way.”

Each Family has Their "Way"

Each of you grew up in a different family with  different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.
In your present relationship, each person can incorporate the best memories of  their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking.

They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or  whether to decorate or not.

Gift-giving Dilemmas

Disappointment about gifts probably goes back to when you were little and had your heart set on a special game or truck or doll.  And you didn’t get it.

Disappointments may seem inconsequential but they can stockpile, showing up again in the present when you have yet another disappointment at not getting that special gift. Those old feelings start to bubble up.

There is less chance for disappointment when you say directly and clearly what gift you want instead of crossing your fingers and hoping someone will read your mind.

Gift-giving Tips

        • Know what you want. If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.

        • Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great aslong as you can keep from letting disappointment creep in.

        • You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site wish list. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to  buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'llchoose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to save lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll  appreciate  you for making it easy and you get something you really want.



© Elayne Savage, PhD

 

Choosing to Enhance the Positive - Building Self-acceptance and Self-appreciation

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Often experiences from early years hold us back from navigating successfully in the present.

My work for over 25 years is helping coaching and consulting clients and workshop participants move past roadblocks caused by early negative messages from peers, teachers or family.

Here are some strategies for building self-acceptance, self-respect and self-appreciation:

• Separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Remind yourself that certain beliefs  that may have seemed true in childhood are no longer applicable.

• Recognize that early experiences tend to replay. We tend to gravitate toward familiar  personalities and experiences, including partners or bosses.

• Remind yourself you do have choices We tend to forget (or never knew.)

• Walk alongside yourself. Notice and observe — that gives you some objectivity,  gets the flow going, and opens up space for making choices. You don't have to continue down the same path once you realize how you got there. You can learn to choose to return to that fork in the road and try out another road.

• Become skilled at communicating. Most folks could use some practice in identifying their needs and 
respectfully communicating them as a request instead of a complaint.

• Identifying  and honoring your small successes that build a sense of accomplishment, self-respect, and self-confidence. I love the idea of making a small pile of paper clips or marbles or coins. Whenever a small success comes your way, start a new pile and watch it grow! I call this the Pile of Validations.

• Check in with yourself about how you are reacting (or overreacting) to perceived slights. Are you taking it personally? Are  you feeling rejected in some way?  What part of this is old? Does the present situation warrant such a powerful reaction?  Ask yourself how much energy you want to put into dealing with old feelings in this way. 

• Or would you rather make the choice to enhance the positive and move forward?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Adapted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection  New Harbinger Publications and iUniverse

Dr. Elayne Savage specializes in improving communication and connection in personal and workplace relationships. She is a practicing psychotherapist, workplace relationship consultant, professional speaker and author of relationship books published in 9 languages: Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection, and Breathing Room-Creating Space to Be a Couple

For more articles and tips:

www.QueenofRejection.com
Blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Communication Tips: Twitter@ElayneSavage
Linkedin.com/in/elaynesavage
[email protected]

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Being dissed by a colleague or in a public meeting hurts.

Maybe the affront takes the form of a mean-spirited remark. Or unreasonable demands on your time. Or the condescending attitude of your boss. Or someone playing favorites. Or a snarky coworker. Or a back-stabbing- idea-stealing team member.

How do you deal with the rejection? Do you resign yourself to silence? Do you speak up? Do you go along to get along?

Should you respond? In these stressful and difficult times, workplace dissing takes on a whole new dimension because there's so much at stake.

Fear about job security  piles on yet another layer of anxiety and stress.

In the over 25 years I've provided workplace coaching on disappointment, rejection and taking things personally, I've heard hundreds of stories.

I've never seen fear about recriminations so rampant.

"What if I get fired?"
"What if I don't get that project they promised?"
"What if they don't like me anymore?"

Not Just for the Workplace - Dissing is a Problem in Personal Relationships, Too

As you are probably all too aware, dissing is a problem as well in personal situations. You'll notice many of these ideas and strategies are applicable to both.

The stress that arises from one venue often soon permeates the other.
Stress and anxiety are easily passed from one person to another. You don't even know you caught a dose of it until it starts weighing you down.

Anxieties need somewhere to go. When we cannot talk them out, we tend to act them out - often on other people.

You probably have your own 'hot spot' that causes you distress.Something happens that feels disrespectful and it starts festering. Before you know it, you're dwelling on it - for hours, or days
or even weeks. How long does it take before it interferes with your focus, your concentration and your productivity?

Filling in the Blanks

These days more than ever folks are contacting me for consultation on coping with workplace rejection, slights, and condescending attitudes. Sometimes it's stinging words. Sometimes it's more subtle - a look or tone of voice that sends reverberations.

These days there's even more of a tendency to 'go along to get along.' You are afraid to speak up. Afraid you might be sorry for taking care of  yourself.

It's true some people take things more personally than others. They tend to fill in the blanks with what they presume is meant by someone's actions or inactions.

Rather than fill in those blanks with your own explanation of what someone might have meant, check out with that person what was actually said and what was intended.

Here's how:
"This is what I heard you say."
"Is it what you said?"
"Is it what you meant?"

Below are typical stories I hear these days.

He Can't Say 'No'

Jonathan can't say "no" and feels taken advantage of at work. He feels trapped and can't see a way out.

So what can Jonathan do to take better care of himself?

We talked about some phrases he might experiment with:
"I cannot do everything you ask, but this is what I can do."
OR
"You've asked me to do _________.
And you've asked me to do _________.
Which would you prefer I do first?"

Both choices are respectful and considerate, which is exactly how he wants to be regarded.

Have you also occasionally felt victimized by circumstances?
How can you empower yourself in what often feels like a hopeless situation?
How can you feel like you have choices in the situation?
How can you stay centered and maintain your confidence?

It's Probably Not About You

It helps to keep repeating: "It's probably not about me." Remind yourself when people treat people badly, they could be acting out their stress and anxiety.

If a stressed out coworker is feeling anxious or fearful, they usually try hard to control this anxiety. Usually folks do this by trying to control their world. Trouble is, there are people in their world who are feeling controlled by them. And it feels pretty yucky.

They may be harassing or bullying as a way of puffing themselves up.

Sure, you can take it personally. That's one option. But chances are it's really not about you. Chances are it's about the other person's need to feel less anxious. So another option is to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand how they may be feeling.

At least you may not feel so much like  the bullseye on the dartboard.

You may also want to read about the importance of reciprocity in relationships.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage, PhD, is called ‘The Queen of Rejection’ for a reason – she’s been taking things personally much of her life. She is a practicing psychotherapist, relationship and workplace coach and author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection. You’ll find lots of communication tips at TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

Website: www.QueenofRejection.com

Blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Twitter@ElayneSavage

Elayne Savage's 10 Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Rejection

• Remind yourself: it’s more about the
   other person than it is about you.

•  Separate the 'personal' from the
    'professional.'

•  Don't presume – check things out.

•  Don’t try to read someone’s mind—
    or expect them to read yours.

•  Put yourself in the other person's  
    shoes. How might they be feeling?

•  Remember: You DO have choices.

•  Be direct. Ask for what you need.

•  Practice 'time outs.' Count to 10.

•  Try rejecting rejection for a change.

•  And DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!
                                    © Dr. Elayne Savage