Elayne Savage's Communication Tips

You Didn't Hear What You Thought You Heard

By Elayne Savage, PhD

 

If our impressions are discounted often, we learn to discount ourselves as well.
Sometimes we begin to doubt our own perceptions and stop trusting ourselves.

When I was recently invited to a fifties party I started reminiscing about a felt poodle circle skirt I once owned in junior high school.

I asked my dad if I could buy one, but he said we couldn’t afford it. So I made myself a poodle skirt.

I bought an inexpensive, plain felt skirt (pink, of course) and made a wonderful fluffy gray poodle to stitch onto it. I painstakingly made little individual loops of gray yarn for the ears, chest, and tail. Then I made a rhinestone collar and gold leash. I was really proud of that skirt—it looked as good as the ones in the stores – maybe better!

I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. My aunt asked me where I bought my poodle skirt because she wanted to buy one for my cousin.

When I told her I made the poodle, she told me I was lying, that I couldn’t possibly have made it. I got really confused. I actually began to doubt if I did indeed make the poodle. After all, she spoke with so much authority when she told me I was lying that I believed her.

Over the years, I’d continue to distrust my impressions of things. There were times I was attending a play I didn’t especially like, and I’d overhear someone during intermission talk about how terrific the play was. I’d immediately figured I was wrong and they were right.

Do you ever remember when you were little and going up to your mother or father when they looked upset, and asking, “Are you sad?” Did your mother or father quickly tell you, “No, I’m just thinking about something.” You’re pretty sure you saw a sad look on their face, but they were telling you, “You’re imagining it.”

 

Denials and Discounting and Mystification

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're just imagining it."

I grew up getting really confused about things like that. I began not to trust my intuition. I began not to trust my feelings. I began to regard my own senses as unreliable guides. I no longer could trust myself. I didn’t know what was real; I hardly dared to ask. If I risked stating how I felt, my father would respond, “You must be kidding.” I perceived the underlying message to be, “Are you crazy?”

Sometimes when I asked questions I was given whatever information was handy at the time, whether it was true or not. I felt I was a bother for being inquisitive. Years later, I had a supervisor who would give me misinformation when he didn’t know the answer to something because he didn’t want to ask his superior. I overreacted and blew up at him. Yes, I took it personally, but I can see now how my reaction was triggered from my early experiences.

Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. There is no definition. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and we are left feeling rejected, dismissed and ignored.


When your feelings and perceptions are being discounted in so many ways, it is hard to be true to yourself, so in effect you are rejecting yourself.

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'Mystification' . . . an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" what is really going on.

Interestingly, Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . ."

Connected to mystification is obfuscation - the concealment of meaning in communication, making it ambiguous, confusing and hard to interpret.

You can find  R.D. Laing’s ideas on Mystification in this academic article
http://www.laingsociety.org/biblio/mystification.htm

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Adapted from Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection

Self-Sabotage - The Gremlin That Ruins Relationships and Careers

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I love the visual image history offers on the origins of 'sabotage.' You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

Do you ever find yourself clogging up or jamming your machinery with self-doubt about your capability and competence?

What's Your M.O. for Self-sabotage?

Over the years I've become an expert  at my own self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things before sending them out and plan carefully - especially when I want to impress someone. That seems to be when I screw up the most!

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves.

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.

Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.

Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.

Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.

Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to our inner voice.

Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done! Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses. You could say these are all forms of self-sabotage.

This earlier e-letter/blog addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html

Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'

'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)

Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003). says Resistance is Pressfield's "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good." He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."

Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."

You Can Change Your Perceptions

Although we are all too aware of many of our doubts and fears, some are blind spots, below our radar.

In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become conscious of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it. 

We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. I often speak and write about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about? What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?

Ask yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.

What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage, PhD

For more articles and tips:

www.QueenofRejection.com
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