by Elayne Savage, PhD
Rage is often set off by taking something personally. Feeling wronged, slighted, or intruded on.
Rage
is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects something
happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming feelings from the
past which intrude into the present situation. Rage is 'anger with a
history.'
A distressing event in the present becomes unbearable when it reminds us of painful experiences from the past.
Old
injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be
disgorged. And once expelled, it contaminates your surroundings.
It Starts with Feeling 'Dissed'
Here's
how it unfolds: It starts with feeling 'dissed' in some way:
disrespected, disdained, dismissed, discarded, discredited, disregarded,
dishonored, or disenfranchised. It often feels like someone is invading
your personal space.
Before we know it we're taking something
personally. An out-of-control reaction gets triggered. and we have
runaway reactions to present day situations.
When we're feeling
vulnerable, or scared, or hurting, we tend to protect yourselves by
taking a tough stance. We puff ourselves up and even engage in
aggressive behaviors. We act out our rage on the offending person who
doesn’t understand that we are most likely retaliating against all the
bullies from our childhood.
We become outraged, then enraged.
One minute feeling like a victim. The next, becoming victimizer. Wanting
to get back at the person who is doing the victimizing.
Trading Roles
In
Don't Take It Personally! I use the Karpman Drama Triangle to describe
how we trade roles in personal and professional relationships, giving
examples of feeling resentful or victimized, of pushy or bullying
attitudes, and of caretaking or rescuing behaviors. Sometimes we may
find ourselves switching from role to role from one moment to the next.
The
three points of the Drama Triangle are represented by the roles of
Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim. The roles are interchangeable, with
each person playing one of them at one time or another, and seeing other
people in them at one time or another. Sometimes a person may switch
from Victim to Persecutor to Rescuer in a flash, other times it’s a
slower process.
And how easy it is to become a “victim” when we take things personally!
Holding Grudges
Just
as rage is toxic to relationships, holding grudges is especially
eroding. This kind of resentment takes up so much space in personal or
work relationships that there is no room available for connection.
Before
we know it, we’re feeling out of control and behaving badly. How can
this be happening? How can we be behaving so outrageously ?
But, then again, our behavior may merely be a reflection of the outrageous times in which we live.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
From Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection
Elayne Savage, PhD, is called ‘The Queen of Rejection’ for a reason – she’s been taking things personally much of her life. She is a practicing psychotherapist, relationship and workplace coach and author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection. You’ll find lots of communication tips at TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com
Website: www.QueenofRejection.com
Blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Twitter@ElayneSavage
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