By Elayne Savage, PhD
Have you ever wondered how things can deteriorate so rapidly because of a communication misunderstanding?
One person says or does something – or neglects to say or do something – and you get hurt. Before you know it, something powerful happens to your relationship. and it's on it's way to becoming a non-relationship. It can happen in a work or personal situation.
It's easy to focus in on the shortcomings of other person. Blaming is an automatic response for many of us. However, when two people are involved in a miscommunication, it's great if both can look at it with a wider lens.
Understanding Reciprocity
Understanding the concept of reciprocity helps you navigate these energy draining negative experiences. Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects and is affected by the behavior of the other.
It means taking a good look at how both of you participate in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both negative and positive ways.
In other words, what someone thinks you think about them is how they are going to respond to you.
With this in mind, let's look at how you can act to moderate negative message flow when it feels dismissive and rejecting. And how you can enhance positive message flow that feels validating and respectful.
Consider how respect is the key to effective teamwork.
Trouble is, it can be a struggle to accept someone's style of doing things when it's different from your own.
We all have different styles of thinking, communicating, doing, creating and being. We each learn these 'ways' in our families, through cultural influences going back many generations — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and expectations.
A Roomful of Ancestors
These family messages are passed down from generation
to generation.
So in any one-on-discussion or a team meeting, you might have quite a few folks present. You could have a roomful of family members — both dead and alive — hovering around. Each is clamoring to get their point of view across. Parents, grandparents, step parents, aunts, uncles. Oh my.
Notice how 'crowded' the room is. See how many differences of style are represented. Remember what we call a 'personality conflict' is usually a style incompatibility.Understand how many
people might be taking something personally at any given time.
Is it any wonder 'loaded' discussions can be overwhelming?
Good communication means respecting and understanding style differences, rather than considering them a threat. Besides the 'ways' we learned in our families, style differences might also include:
- Definition vs. Vagueness
- Predictability vs. Unpredictability
- Giving vs. Withholding
- Need for 'Space' vs. Need for Comfortable DistanceWe might feel uncomfortable or even threatened by differences in thinking and doing. And our discomfort shows on our face, especially if the other person is prone to reading expressions.
And they are most likely 'filling in the blanks' trying to figure out what we are thinking about them. Not a good situation.
Here is a terrific way to regain mutual respect and acceptance and get things back on track. And it works both inside and outside the workplace:
Try finding something you can like or appreciate about the annoying person. It could be a certain skill, sense of humor, color of shirt, or hairstyle. During any interaction with them concentrate on that positive feature.
When a person sees respect in your eyes, they are more likely to respond positively to you. Give it a try.
And it's oh-so-empowering when it works!
You may want to read more on feeling dissed and effective communicating.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Website: www.QueenofRejection.com
Blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
It's fine to reprint this as long as as long as you include an attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. The attribution should include:
Elayne
Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. www.QueenofRejection.com
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