Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Being dissed by a colleague or in a public meeting hurts.

Maybe the affront takes the form of a mean-spirited remark. Or unreasonable demands on your time. Or the condescending attitude of your boss. Or someone playing favorites. Or a snarky coworker. Or a back-stabbing- idea-stealing team member.

How do you deal with the rejection? Do you resign your self to silence? Do you speak up? Do you go along to get along?

Should you respond?  In these stressful and difficult times, workplace dissing takes on a whole new dimension because there's so much at stake.

Fear about job security  piles on yet another layer of anxiety and stress.

In the over 25 years I've provided workplace coaching on disappointment, rejection and taking things personally, I've heard hundreds of stories.

I've never seen fear about recriminations so rampant.

"What if I get fired?"
"What if I don't get that project they promised?"
"What if they don't like me anymore?"

Not Just for the Workplace - Dissing is a Problem in Personal Relationships, Too

As you are probably all too aware, dissing is a problem as well in personal situations. You'll notice many of these ideas and strategies are applicable to both.

The stress that arises from one venue often soon permeates the other.
Stress and anxiety are easily passed from one person to another. You don't even know you caught a dose of it until it starts weighing you down.

Anxieties need somewhere to go. When we cannot talk them out, we tend to act them out - often on other people.

You probably have your own 'hot spot' that causes you distress.Something happens that feels disrespectful and it starts festering. Before you know it, you're dwelling on it - for hours, or days
or even weeks. How long does it take before it interferes with your focus, your concentration and your productivity?

Filling in the Blanks

These days more than ever folks are contacting me for consultation on coping with workplace rejection, slights, and condescending attitudes. Sometimes it's stinging words. Sometimes it's more subtle - a look or tone of voice that sends reverberations.

These days there's even more of a tendency to 'go along to get along.' You are afraid to speak up. Afraid you might be sorry for taking care of  yourself.

It's true some people take things more personally than others. They tend to fill in the blanks with what they presume is meant by someone's actions or inactions.

Rather than fill in those blanks with your own explanation of what someone might have meant, check out with that person what was actually said and what was intended.

Here's how:
"This is what I heard you say."
"Is it what you said?"
"Is it what you meant?"

Below are typical stories I hear these days.

He Can't Say 'No'

Jonathan can't say "no" and feels taken advantage of at work. He feels trapped and can't see a way out.

So what can Jonathan do to take better care of himself?

We talked about some phrases he might experiment with:
"I cannot do everything you ask, but this is what I can do."
OR
"You've asked me to do _________.
And you've asked me to do _________.
Which would you prefer I do first?"

Both choices are respectful and considerate, which is exactly how he wants to be regarded.

Have you also occasionally felt victimized by circumstances?
How can you empower yourself in what often feels like a hopeless situation?
How can you feel like you have choices in the situation?
How can you stay centered and maintain your confidence?

It's Probably Not About You

It helps to keep repeating: "It's probably not about me." Remind yourself when people treat people badly, they could be acting out their stress and anxiety.

If a stressed out coworker is feeling anxious or fearful, they usually try hard to control this anxiety. Usually folks do this by trying to control their world. Trouble is, there are people in their world who are feeling controlled by them. And it feels pretty yucky.

They may be harassing or bullying as a way of puffing themselves up.

Sure, you can take it personally. That's one option. But chances are it's really not about you. Chances are it's about the other person's need to feel less anxious. So another option is to put yourself in their shoes and try to understand how they may be feeling.

At least you may not feel so much like  the bullseye on the dartboard.

You may also want to read about the importance of reciprocity in relationships.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage, PhD, is called ‘The Queen of Rejection’ for a reason – she’s been taking things personally much of her life. She is a practicing psychotherapist, relationship and workplace coach and author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection. You’ll find lots of communication tips at TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.com

Website: www.QueenofRejection.com

Blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

Twitter@ElayneSavage