By Elayne Savage, PhD
What a shock getting a phone call saying I was being immediately transferred to another work unit. I wouldn’t even be able to say goodbye to my current clients.
When my co-workers called that morning, I was away from the office for a meeting. They noticed there was a memo on my desk signed by the Program Director and thought I would want to know about it.
The suddenness of this decision was disconcerting. For all of us. We met for a long lunch and attempted to console each other. We agonized for hours about what this transfer would mean for me, for my clients and for the team.
At 4pm we learned the truth. The supervisor across the room 'fessed up. "Just a little April Fool's prank,” he explained. “Can’t you take a joke?” Ha. Ha.”
Ha Ha? His little joke interrupted my work concentration for weeks. I found myself stewing about the seeming maliciousness of what he had done. In spite of trying not to, I felt victimized by his action – especially when I heard his rationalization for writing the memo.
He basically admitted he faked the transfer memo to punish me.
I Guess He Took Me Personally!
Apparently he was nursing negative feelings from a meeting the week before when I’d respectfully disagreed with one of his ideas.
“I was just trying to teach her a lesson,” he explained to staff. He decided to write the memo, the signature of the Program Director. (That no one thought to question the legitimacy of such a capricious memo speaks reams about dysfunctional environment there.)
I had tried for several years to stay out of his way. Too many times I’ve seen him being mean-spirited with others. I figured it was only a matter of time before he tried to bully me as well. Then we both found ourselves on this lunchtime ad hoc committee. I felt the goals of the committee were important to our work environment and I was trying to make the best of it. I should have known better.
After he admitted his prank, we learned another committee member had also received a fake transfer memo that morning. I guess he was teaching her a lesson as well, because she, too resisted his ideas. Because she and I worked on different floors, neither of us knew of the other’s situation until the end of the day.
Did I Take It Personally?
Well, yes and no. Co-workers felt the ‘joke’ was personal because of the retaliatory aspects. I was stunned and hurt. It surely interfered with my work performance for weeks to come.
In retrospect I can see his actions were more about him and his insecurities, then they were about me. And like most bullies, he was puffing himself up with this power play.
It was the mean-spiritedness that hurt the most. And I hated getting thrown so off-kilter by the unexpectedness of the 'assignment change.'
All these years later, even though I haven’t worked there in years, I still have a visceral response when I recall how awful that day was. In fact, many years later when a co-worker friend died, I dreaded attending the memorial service. I had scary visions of running into the April Fools prank guy. And I hadn’t even worked at that place for
The Ghost of the Bully in the Alley
Bullying behavior has triggered fearful reactions for me since my childhood. When I was 6 years old, the teenage boy next-door would threaten me in the alley. And that original child-like fear reoccurs whenever I’m exposed to a bully.
Being bullied can be devastating. How deeply these experiences penetrate! How powerful an effect they can have for years to come!
It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of ourselves as unlovable.
When peer relationships are destructive, scars form and are not easily healed.
Old hurts stick around a long time.
And yet for me, some good came of it. These early experiences have formed the direction of my work with psychotherapy and workplace clients. Our focus is dealing with the rejection of bullying and strategizing ways to feel empowered and change the situation.
What Bullying in the Workplace Looks Like
Bullying in the workplace involves repeated incidents intended to intimidate, offend, degrade embarrass or humiliate. Sometimes bullying takes the more subtle form of manipulation.
Bullies feel they have the right to mistreat someone and they won't be held accountable for their actions.
Bullying in the workplace takes a myriad of forms. Here are just a few:
- harassing, intimidating, undermining, excluding or isolating, spreading rumors, invading privacy
- practical joking in a mean-spirited way
- constantly fault-finding or changing work guidelines
- assigning unreasonable duties or establishing impossible deadlines that are set-ups for failure
Workplace Bullying is Expensive!
Bullying in the workplace takes an emotional and financial toll! Productivity and performance suffer because the person who feels bullied spends hours or days dwelling on the incident. Concentration is shot.
Stress levels increase and family tensions arise.
Health problems develop, sometimes necessitating sick leave: anxiety, insomnia, stomach problems and headaches.
Absenteeism and turnover increase.
Morale decreases.
10 Tips for Bully-busting
* Remind yourself; The best defense against a bully is to take action – any kind of action. Bullies need victims, so empowering yourself is the key.
* Try not to get emotional – a show of emotion is what they are after. Bullies need victims.
* Document in writing every instance - date, time, what was said, any witnesses.
* Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
state your position clearly. Provide clear examples.
* FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is disrespectful and not acceptable and you will not tolerate it. Let them know It’s one thing to vent and express their frustration to you, but they cannot become abusive. Ask them to stop immediately.
You could speak privately to the bully but putting it in writing is even better. Send a copy of the note to the bully’s supervisor (of if the supervisor is the bully, a copy should be sent to HR or the CEO.)
* Remind yourself that bullies are feeling neither good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel more powerful.
* When someone is feeling anxious they are most likely feeling out of control. They try to control their environment - but there are people in it who feel controlled by them.
* When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
lot of space. You can even this up by standing your ground and keeping your space so you won't easily deflate and feel diminished.
* Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you find yourself overreacting, early bullying experiences and rejection messages might be involved here.
* Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of harboring hurt and resentment.
For example, "I heard you say "________________."
When you said that it felt like you were teasing.
Even if you didn't intend it, I found myself getting confused and upset.
I hope our future exchanges can be free of that."
And My All-time Favorite Tip . . .
* The best way to get someone to give YOU respect is to show respect to them. Think about something you can appreciate about the other person. It can even be something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of clothing or colors, their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on that ‘something.’
They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come right back at ya.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage, PhD, is called ‘The Queen of Rejection’ for a reason – she’s been taking things personally much of her life. She is a practicing psychotherapist, relationship and workplace coach and author of Breathing Room and Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection. You’ll find lots of communication tips at TipsFromTheQueenofRejection.comWebsite: www.QueenofRejection.com
Blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com
Twitter@ElayneSavage
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