One of the most damaging ‘dirty little secrets’ of "Blended Families" is the unrealistic expectation that there will be a seamless “blending.’ These expectations are a set-up for hurtful misunderstandings and disappointments.
Feelings get hurt. Someone feels rejected and takes something personally. And these hurts can lead to anger and resentment, taking up so much space in the relationship, there is barely any room available for connection.
Too often, when unrealistic expectations about easy, seamless blending occur, my image is of family members throwing everything into a blender and being surprised when the result often causes a breakdown in communication and makes a mess.
One of my most popular speaking programs is ‘Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China’ describing how family ‘ways’ get passed down through the generations. These infused ways are, of course, what newly forming families have to recognize, identify and learn to navigate.
As a family therapist I love to be able to work with a newly forming family addressing the complexities of situations that might arise: different styles of thinking and being, rules of each family regarding mealtime routines, dinner table behaviors, bedtime routines, private time, use of devices, homework practices, chore responsibilities, gift-giving expectations, feelings about what behavior is respectful and what is disrespectful, and what their cultural, ethnic and gender influences might be. In other words, Grandma’s ‘ways.’
I help these families communicate directly and clearly their needs and hopes to each other. We talk about what their expectations have been, any unmet expectations, and accompanying disappointment. Putting words to these feelings can help avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Our family work includes helping them navigate ways to develop respect for each other's ‘styles’ and overcoming the loyalty and betrayal barriers that have rarely been identified and examined before we talk together.
I don’t love the term stepfamily, but I use it. Usually I ask my clients what term they prefer, and if they like ‘blended’ I just throw in the caveat about expectations and disappointments.
For myself, I think I’ll stick with the term ’newly-formed.’
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