By Elayne Savage, PhD
The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too often someone gets their feelings hurt and takes something personally.
Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right' present? Sometimes retracing you steps — in the store of online — a few times before you actually make a decision and a purchase.
Gifts can be a huge source of disappointments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings. It's so easy to take it
personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.
But wait, you're not done feeling rejected yet. Now you tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough about you. If they did, they'd have known what you had in mind.
Another sure-fire way to get disappointed and take it personally is when you are the gift-giver. Do you shop and shop for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find yourself waiting with baited breath to see the look on their face when they open the present you so carefully chose.
Do you try to 'read' their reaction through their expression and body language? What do you tell yourself?
Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store? What do you tell yourself?
And what about giving gift cards? The media hype has been "Gift cards give someone the gift of shopping." Well, true enough for the folks who love to shop. They love gift cards because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out the perfect gift for themselves.
Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card could even feel like a personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver doesn't care enough about them to shop for them.
In other words, they're taking it personally.Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like rejection.
The way we are most comfortable celebrating now often has to do with the way in which our own family celebrated (or not.) In my years of coaching clients through the angst of the Holidays, I’ve come to believe the bottom line is to remind yourself the each family has “their way.”
Each Family has Their "Way"
Each of you grew up in a different family with different traditions for celebrating and different expectations about exchanging gifts.
In your present relationship, each person can incorporate the best memories of their childhood years and fill in where pleasant memories might be lacking.
They can decide together what traditions they want to bring to their immediate family, what's important to them about giving and receiving presents or whether to decorate or not.
Gift-giving Dilemmas
Disappointment about gifts probably goes back to when you were little and had your heart set on a special game or truck or doll. And you didn’t get it.
Disappointments may seem inconsequential but they can stockpile, showing up again in the present when you have yet another disappointment at not getting that special gift. Those old feelings start to bubble up.
There is less chance for disappointment when you say directly and clearly what gift you want instead of crossing your fingers and hoping someone will read your mind.
Gift-giving Tips
• Know what you want. If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to figure it out.
• Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great aslong as you can keep from letting disappointment creep in.
• You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site wish list. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to buy for you. It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'llchoose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to save lots less anxiety for both of you. They’ll appreciate you for making it easy and you get something you really want.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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