By Elayne Savage, PhD
Even though you know better, each year you might find yourself
engaging in some wishful thinking.
Maybe you were hoping that magically your family gathering will
turn into the picture-perfect settings you've been seeing on TV.
Or you were hoping mom will praise you for your salad-making
talents because really went out of your way this year. Instead,
Mom makes her own salad dressing to put on your salad, "because
yours was never very good."
Or you took special pains to dress up for dinner and Dad
says, "Are you wearing THAT to the table?"
Or you're bursting with pride about your new professional
accomplishments and want to be recognized. Yet family members
are still comparing you to your cousin Tracy.
Any way you slice it, these disappointments feel like a big
dose of rejection. And these feelings can lead to some pretty
tense moments.
It's Easy to Feel Like a Little Kid Again
An interesting thing often happens to us at these family
get-togethers. It's easy to feel like a little kid again.
Like magic, we're transported back in time.
When we were small, if someone teased us or acted badly
around us, we had no clue that we had choices. We just had
to stay there and take it.
Keep reminding yourself that you DO have Choices now. You
can excuse yourself, gracefully leave the room and regain
your composure.
This brings us to some tips on some good ways to take care
of yourself. If you start practicing now you'll be an expert
by the time the Holidays roll around.
Tips for Handling the Holidays
Here are a few ways to take TIME-OUTS to collect your
thoughts and your composure. Excusing yourself, slow
breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to help
regain your balance (and your dignity.)
-In the living room, before or after dinner, if someone says
or does something inappropriate, you can excuse yourself to
get a drink of water.
-At the dinner table, you can always say a simple, "Excuse me,
I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close the door, take a
few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle
this?”
-If you are visiting from out of town consider renting a car.
This lets you BE INDEPENDENT about your transportation. You
even take a day-trip during your stay to escape from the stress
of family if you need to.
When someone's behavior is obnoxious, rather than overreacting
and glaring at them, why not try a different tack?
-Try to find something you can like about that person. For
example, they have a terrific laugh or the color of their shirt
is very nice and looks great with the color of their eyes.
Then concentrate on that redeemable feature.
When the person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more likely
to respond positively to you.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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