Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2009

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits
By Elayne Savage, PhD

A very un-Thanksgiving-like phrase parades through my mind:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity."

For over 15 years in interviews, articles and workshops I've been offering tips for handling Thanksgiving get-togethers and obnoxious relatives. Ways to  replace attitude with gratitude. Never did I dream I'd be writing words about crisis and danger.

This year for many of us, the usual cornucopia of plenty is bursting forth instead with scarcity.

And yet perhaps we can rummage around in there to find some positives - turning stumbling blocks into building blocks.

 Crisis Tends to Light a Fire

In 'Don't Take It Personally!' I write how danger and opportunity mirror each other:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity. Crisis tends to light a fire that can initiate positive action.

Crisis allows people to dip deeply within, to open doors that have heretofore been closed, to breathe energy into new directions, to be creative out of necessity.

. . . in childhood you developed lifesaving strategies to help you get through those difficult years. These qualities may have come from existing in a crisis mode, but now you can offer yourself an opportunity to transform them into highly functional skills . . .

Imagine taking a step or two away and walking alongside yourself. What do you notice? How are you moving? Do you have energy? Are you tense or are you relaxed? What is your breathing like? Are you really breathing? Are you smiling? Could you be happy?

 . . . By walking alongside yourself, you can be more objective about yourself. You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?

. . . a good way to transform crisis into opportunity is to survey the past and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this that I can use in the present and perhaps carry into the future with me?” This attitude allows you to develop a new approach to life in which you see things from a different perspective and make new choices."

from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

A Very Different Thanksgiving

Last year at this time  I wrote about economic stresses and strains. However the idea of crisis didn't even cross my mind back then.  Wow. It certainly has magnified, hasn't it? This Thanksgiving it seems we have to work double time to muster up some gratitude.

We are painfully aware how these economic times affect each of us and those we love. As a workplace and relationship coach, I hear many stories every week.

Since my style of working with clients is to enhance strengths and positives, sometimes I find myself scrambling to come up with valuable reframes and take-aways.  It's harder than ever this year because relationships are especially strained by dashed hopes, stretched budgets, and lost jobs, homes, and physical and emotional health.

For sure, this is a very different Thanksgiving. Being thankful during this painful time is a real stretch.

Yet many of you have told or written me about how, in spite of the hardships, your perspective has changed in some wonderfully positive ways.

Something has shifted in how you think about the things you used to take for granted.

Transforming Crisis into Opportunity

You tell me how this experience of scarcity creates a new determination to reflect and respond differently. Many of your ideas are amazingly creative.

You talk about how you are rethinking priorities. And using the extra time to spend with friends or family. You talk about fueling  your passions. Taking one or two professional courses - and some fun ones, too. Exploring hobbies. And thankfully getting some stuff done you've been putting off forever.

Seems to me the phrase 'thinking out of the box' is taking on new meaning.

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity..."

A Time for Reflection

As for me, I'm grateful to have time for some quiet reflection on what each new day brings. And apropos of this,  I want to share a recent piece by Roy H. Williams, The Wizard of Ads, from his 'Monday Morning Memo':

                                   My Holiday Gift to You ... For Real
                                              by Roy H. Williams

Tom Hennen has a line in his poem, The Life of a Day, that says,“We examine each day before us with barely a glance and say, ‘no, this isn’t one I’ve been looking for,’ and wait in a bored sort of way for the next, when we are convinced, our lives will start for real.”

That line is a little bit frightening because you read it and realize you’re guilty. You’ve been waiting for that day when your life will start “for real.”



The trouble with life is that it’s just so daily.



I share this with you because I’ve been thinking about my two grandfathers who are dead and my father who is likewise and I’ve come to the obvious conclusion:



Live while you have the chance.



“Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home…” 
- The Temptations, 1971



In the final moments of his life, my father scribbled a note for me to find. In barely legible pencil he scrawled, “All the little things in life add up to your life. If you don't get it right then nothing else matters. It gets lonely in the promised land by yourself.”



My Dad died lonely, I think, because he never made deep commitments. My father’s confession of his loneliness makes me sad, but his scribbled note tells me he wanted me to learn from his mistake.



I meet a lot of people who sigh deeply and say they’re looking for their passion, something to set their souls on fire and send beams of light shining out through their eyes.



But the people with light shining from their eyes know this:



Passion does not produce commitment.
Commitment produces passion.



Solomon, that wise king, spent years of his life searching for passion. In chapter 9 of the chronicle of that search, the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”

People read that and think Solomon is saying, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die," but that's not it at all. He's saying, "Throw your whole heart into whatever you do. Live while you have the chance."

This is my Holiday gift to you,

I hope you will receive it:

Find something that needs to be done

and throw yourself headlong into it.


Let today


be the day 


your life begins

for real.

Roy H. Williams
www.MondayMorningMemo.com

Opportunity awaits . . .

And if you can use some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally, here you go:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/11/index.html

© Elayne Savage,PhD

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
July, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
2. Always The Last to Know
3. Feeling Like a Freak
4. New information Rocks My World
5. New Found Appreciation
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
by Elayne Savage, PhD

The prospect of a class reunion can be frightening.This isn't my first one, yet I don't remember looking so critically at myself before.

The reunions used to be held every five years. Now they are every ten. I didn't know about the first few because I was 'lost.' You see, I did not actually graduate from Omaha Central High. When my dad remarried we moved to Baltimore for my senior year.

Because I want to be like everyone else I've learned to take care of myself. I realized my name tag would be photo-less because I was not in the senior yearbook. So I scanned my Baltimore high school photo and sent it to the event planner asking them to put my photo on the tag.  They did.

Two days before boarding the plane in San Francisco I got cold feet. I honestly found myself thinking about ways I could get out of going.

I also did something I haven't done in years. I stood in front of my closet, fretting about what clothes to bring. I thought I'd outgrown that kind of indecisiveness. I've learned to trust I usually look good enough. But not this time. I kept pulling clothes from my closet and piling them on the bed. I tried on lots of outfits. Nothing looked right. I was aware of the old high school uncertainties flooding back. Yuck. I thought I had outgrown that. Guess not.

Truth be told, I was very close to changing my mind about going. It can be dangerous when we start thinking about ways to get out of something we dread doing. We might even conjure up a situation where we don’t have to follow through. But I managed to get through those last days without breaking a leg or arm. I even got to the airport on time.

I'm so glad I went. This has been an amazing, enriching experience. I cherish time with my Central High classmates.  Yet as connected as I feel during these reunion weekends, we somehow manage to not keep in touch from reunion to reunion. This is true of even my best high school friends.

As we go through life we develop notions about the world around us and the people in it.  Wow. Was this ever true for me in high school. Self-doubt took over. I took everything personally. I was the kid who was different from everyone else because I didn't have a mother. I was the poorer kid who wore my cousin's hand-me-downs.

This long reunion weekend with Omaha Central High classmates gave me the opportunity to stop seeing things from the lens of inferiority. I could begin to see the world through a different filter. I watched myself grow up over the weekend.

But not before I started to fall into the old trap of feeling 'different' and 'left out.'

Always The Last to Know

The 'left out' part crept my first day there when my older cousin said, "By the way, Barb called and invited you to the pizza party tomorrow night for the old gang."

I immediately told myself, "I guess I'm the last to know about the party. I'm an afterthought again." 

I had always felt not exactly part of that 'gang.' I felt on the periphery much of the time. (Sure, I realize now that most of us feel left out in high school. If you ask the really popular kids they will tell you the same thing.)

When I got to the restaurant I found out the party was an afterthought. It had materialized only the day before. What started out as a group of 6 people grew to a party of 35 or so.

Hmmmmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how fast I went to that old 'left out' default position?

At each of the reunion events, the 'official' ones and the smaller private gatherings, I could see people were genuinely glad to see me. When someone remembered and shared something about me from those high school days, I could take in their words. Once in a while, someone would say, "I don't remember you," I was OK with hearing that as well. I didn't remember lots of people either.

It was great fun to reconnect with some high school classmates I remembered from 6th grade when we were in a City-wide play. Some of us car-pooled together. I remember I had a mad crush on one of the boys from those play days. Whenever I had a chance to talk with him during rehearsals or performances, I would roll my eyes back into my head. I guess I though it was cool or something. Once he asked me, "Is something wrong with your eyes?" Guess I was wrong about it being a neat, flirty thing to do. I stopped rolling them.

Three of four of us from those play days showed up for this reunion. One even came from Italy. But the fourth actor was missing. Peter Hoagland, who served in the U.S. House of Representatives from Nebraska, died almost two years ago.

I was really looking forward to seeing my friend from middle school, Rosalee. We'd ride the bus together almost every day downtown to Central. She'd be already there always sitting in the same seat, wearing her red coat, waiting for me to board. I looked for her at the reunion events but couldn't find her. Then I saw her name. On the list of classmates who died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Feeling Like a Freak

I mentioned how I felt different from the others. Part of this was being poorer. Part was being without a mother in a world where it seemed every other family was intact. Back in those days there were rarely separations or divorces. I surely didn't know anyone else in a single parent family. Most especially where the mom had died.

Because my mother and grandmother died in a much-publicized plane crash when I was12, I felt so different. My brother Lee and I learned not to talk about the crash, not to offer information about being motherless. It was always awkward because people did not know what to say to us. So we didn't say anything to anybody.

During those high school years I felt like a freak.

New information Rocks My World

Imagine my amazement to learn I was not the only one in my class without a mother! Within the space of 3 1/2 hours I learned some startling information in chance conversations from two classmates.  They also had mothers who died before we arrived in high school.

None of us ever talked about it. Each of us thought we were the only one. And after the reunion I connected with yet another classmate who also grew up in a single parent household. One with no father. He, too, thought he was the only one of our group with a missing parent.

We all could have been good company for each other if we had not felt the need to be so secretive and protective. How many others are there with similar experiences in our 400 plus class?

New Found Appreciation

I got to spend lots of time 'catching up' with my good friend Gail. What a special person she was back then and continues to be. What treat to have lunch together not just once, but twice. I appreciated Gail back then, but even more so now. This time we're determined to stay in contact between reunions. And so far, we're doing a pretty good job of it.

As I walked the halls of Central High, I could see many parallels about appreciation. After all these years I have a new respect for the stately beauty of the 100 year old massive building: the curved wooden doors and moldings and banisters. The beautiful art deco light fixtures. The courtyard. The many things I took for granted back then. And so it is with friendships. With this reunion comes new appreciation. And gratitude.

I'm glad I managed to get on that plane. It was a fantastic experience in spite of a weekend of bad hair days and two prominent pimples – arriving just for the occasion. And you know what? Once I'd relaxed enough to make these longed-for reconnections, my hair, and zits didn't seem important any longer.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008

IN THIS ISSUE

 

1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
 2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
 3. Durable yet vulnerable
 4. Ingredients for solid relationships
 5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
 6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
 7. Creating Sacred Space
 8. An Experience in Contrast
 9. The 'Take Away'
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
By Elayne Savage, PhD

We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.

Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
 `
I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.

Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite

I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's soothing,
nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.

I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite. And it
reminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible in personal
relationships.

So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.

Durable yet vulnerable

No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years. 
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.

Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.

The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime as
the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer and
autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.

Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.

Ingredients for Solid Relationships

And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From 'Breathing
Room-Creating Space to Be a Couple':

- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork-working and playing together.

Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile

Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.

And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here
as well. Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were
created by fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from
increasing and decreasing pressure.

You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide was
in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.

Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.

'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.

Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall

Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The
walls we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.

My personal wall is built of brick. There used to be turrets on
top. No light could get through. It was a dark and lonely place. I
grew up. I learned to feel a little safer. And sunlight began to
filter through. I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick
by brick.

Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. I
feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated, patronized,
condescended to, or dismissed.  And guess what. The wall starts to
grow again. Brick by brick.

But it never gets very high. Just high enough for me to feel safe
enough.

Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.

Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of? Is
it still with you at times? When does it come back?

Creating Sacred Space

I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed by
the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the meadows
are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows symbolize
sacred space.

An Experience in Contrasts

One day Burt and I drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.

What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks.

We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and eat
our lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)

Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite can
be a metaphor about relationships.

The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness of
the snow reminded me of how relationships can blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.

There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them. These are differences in style
which, when accepted and respected, can enhance the relationship
considerably. If we let them. First we must make the choice to
embrace differences rather then consider them a threat.  Remember
threats? And how easy it is for that wall to go up.

The 'Take Away'

Of all the relationship many metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:

Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Any ideas?

I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

10. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September 20, 2007

Welcome to the 11th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation
2. What's a Mistake or Three?
3. Lessons from The Yellow Submarine
4. Transforming Self-Rejection into Self-Acceptance
5. And on a personal note . . .
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information


1. SELF-ACCEPTANCE, SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-APPRECIATION
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

I'm so proud of my accomplishment. I just assembled four IKEA
storage units. By myself.

And I didn't listen one bit to the nay-sayers:

"You won't be able to do it without help."
"No way. It's too difficult."
"The directions are so confusing. Only drawings, no words."
"You'll get frustrated and give up before it's done."

My response was to stubbornly insist I can do this! For a change I
didn't buy into those old messages that would have paralyzed me in
the past: 
"Who are you to think you are?" 
"What makes you think you can do this?"

I just knew I could do the assembly. How? I remembered another time
when everyone warned me I wouldn't be able to do something.

I was eleven years old. Uncle Max gave me a headlamp for my bicycle.
I was so excited when I open the package. Then disappointment took
over when I saw the zillion parts lying in that box.

My dad promised he'd assemble it for me. Days turned into weeks.
I kept asking "When?" He kept saying, "Soon."

Soon never happened. Each month that went by was another
disappointment. I gave up on my dad.

However, I didn't give up on finding a way to get that headlight
mounted on my handlebars.

I did find a way. Me. I would put it together myself. Yes, it
was hard to understand the directions.  Yes it was complicated.
Yes, I struggled with it. Yes I made some mistakes. Lots of
mistakes.

Eventually I got that headlamp up and working! And then, of
course no one would believe I did it myself. "No way," they'd say.
"It's too difficult for an eleven year old girl to do."

My success with that headlamp let me take on the IKEA challenge.
I was able to tap into that childhood success and to trust it.
Especially when people were warning me not to even try to build
the IKEA units. I just knew I could put the storage pieces
together the same way I put the headlamp together.  And I did.

2. WHAT'S A MISTAKE OR THREE?

I did make some mistakes. More than once I had to disassemble
my work and reassemble it. I just kept telling myself how
grateful I am that there are two units of each design. One on
which to make mistakes. That way by the time I got to the
second unit, I learned from my mistakes. Well, truth be told,
I'm a slow learner and once or twice I repeated my earlier
mistakes. However, it did take me far less time to rectify
them!

And true to my style, I was making the job more difficult
than it needed to be. My battery powered screwdriver refused
to recharge. I decided to just go with my collection of old
manual screwdrivers. Trouble is, my Phillips screwdriver was
all worn out and I was stripping the screws.

So I used a  standard screwdriver, but the size was was not
quite right. I got the job done, but worked at it much harder
at it then I needed to.

I  have to say I did love the challenge of it.  I did love
taking on this new adventure.
I especially loved the feeling of exhilaration when I put on
that last door. And I actually got it to hang right. (Nobody
told me that getting the doors attached was only 1/2 the job.
The doors also have to evenly meet and close tightly.) 

I bought some great polished brass wire handles. I figured out
how to measure where to put the screw holes.

But frankly, the thought of using an electric drill to make
the holes for the handless was scary.  Luckily my long-distance
boyfriend was in town and could help out. Burt to the rescue!
He made the work look so easy. He even bought me the right
size screw drivers which sure made the last stage of the
job go a lot easier. I'm sure grateful to and for Burt.

I'm grateful I was able to tap into a long ago memory of an
ability to put things together.
I'm grateful to be able to recognize my eleven-year-old
competence. 
I'm grateful to call up the ability to trust myself enough
to attempt this project.
I'm grateful that I could allow my self to make mistakes
and not judge myself harshly.
I'm grateful that I can let myself be proud of my
accomplishment.
I'm grateful for the chance to experience self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.

It's an amazing experience to rediscover a strength or
ability from years past.
Especially when it's one we forgot we have. And one that
can be transformed into something useful in the present
and future.

3. LESSONS FROM THE YELLOW SUBMARINE

Another way of transforming abilities, is to practice
borrowing from one compartment within yourself and
transferring it to another. Here are some highlights
I presented in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of
Dealing with Rejection' on the power of transforming:

Can you visualize a hallway with rooms on either side?
Do you remember the scene in The Yellow Submarine
cartoon movie? Remember how the  Beatles characters
were running back and forth across the hall from room
to room?

Imagine that a room contains skills you developed in
childhood and adolescence.

Think of this room as a storage area, with every possible
type of storage container. You'll find closets, shelves,
bins, boxes, and chests of drawers. Perhaps even file
cabinets. 

Can you imagine yourself rummaging through these early
strengths that have been tucked away? Can you imagine
selecting one or two. You can take your time as you
let the process of choosing, sorting, selecting unfold.

Then gather up this new energy you have found. Carry it
across the hall to another room, another compartment,
another part of yourself. Take it to a place where you
have the space to appreciate your skills in a new way. 

Consider ways you can recognize skills that exist in
one area of your life and transfer them to another area.
In this new space you have created, you might find this
new energy begins to transform into something even more
precious and useful.

4. TRANSFORMING SELF-REJECTION INTO SELF-ACCEPTANCE 

However, for some of us, recognizing and appreciating our
abilities is not always easy. Some of us somehow missed
out on the essential building blocks of childhood — things
like self-esteem, self-assurance, or social skills.

Sometimes it seems that we only have stumbling blocks
instead of building blocks.

I can also recall some experiences earlier than the
headlamp adventure. I can
recall having real-life building blocks as a young child:
my erector set. Perhaps some of you had building blocks 
as well. Maybe wooden alphabet blocks,  or Lincoln Logs
or Legos. Did you have a favorite? What was it? Can you
picture the pieces now?

"Visualize taking them down from the shelf and spreading
them around you on a table or the floor. Can you imagine
what they felt like in your hands? How did you put them
together? What was your step-by-step process of building?
How did you select which pieces to use? What did you build?
Did you make windows or doors? If so, how did you frame
them? Did you cover your structure with a roof or did you
leave it open to the air? Did you save the finished structure
or put the parts away for another time?

What can you learn from recalling your building process? Can
you transfer these skills over to how you approach tasks and
problems today? Instead of undermining, you can practice
bolstering, reinforcing, fortifying, buttressing, bracing,
or shoring up your resources.

In fact, you can be your own personal foundation architect."
(From 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with
Rejection.')

For me, the most wondrous transformation of all is the process
of transforming self-rejection into self-acceptance. Successfully
putting together those IKEA storage units was
an important step for me along the road of self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.

5. AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE . . .

I'm waiting for the arrival of my first grand child.Jocelyn and Chris
are having a baby girl by C-section today, September 20, 2007.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"

Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)

(Here's the list:  faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood

It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:

"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
  set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
  every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"

Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?

2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS

Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.

Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.


And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.

Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you

You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.

No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.

So what to do about it?

In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works.  Why 
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'

The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.

Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.

- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
  best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?

We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.

We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.

- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
   good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
   in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
   transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ? 
For example, sharing household chores?

In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:

- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
   sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
   and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.

Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."

http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

Teamwork in personal and professional relationships

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:

- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
   than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture

3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION

RESPECT is a key ingredient here.

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.

APPRECIATION is important too.

Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.

Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication

Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:

- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
   answer is always 'no.'

- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
  really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
  for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
  something is.

- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
  will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.

Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.

I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.

4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK

Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.

What does sharing household chores mean? 

Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:

1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
    done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.

Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.


Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility

Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.

Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore.  But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."

Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do  couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the 
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"

Chore Rotation to the Rescue!

Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made?  A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.

Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?

Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss

Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair.  It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.

5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER

Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.

Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.

"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."

This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?

Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end.  Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.

Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.

It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.

This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.

By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article:  http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v

Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat
2. The Dance Between Rejection and Taking Things Personally
3. Talk About Vicious Circles!
4. Ten Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Rejection
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
family and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1.  Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing
      Relationship Boat 

      By Elayne Savage, PhD

It's amazing how business or personal relationships can so
quickly get off course.

It's often because of those mmmm's.

There are a whole bunch of mmmm's out there causing bumps
along the path to successful work and personal relationships.

Let's start with a few:  miscommunication, misreadings,
misunderstandings, mistakes, missteps and miscues.

Most folks would say miscommunication is a big problem. Someone's
meaning is not clear to you. You may try to guess what someone
means and you misread them.

Sometimes it's a miscommunication is connected to misunderstanding.
If you don't understand someone's meaning do you make an attempt to
clarify by asking?

Or, instead, do you play a frustrating game of 'fill-in-the-blanks'?

When we don't know the answer to something we tend to
fill in the empty space with our own perceptions and
interpretations. Most of the time, of course, we're mistaken.

These interpretations pass through a filter containing your
private storehouse of experiences accumulated since
childhood.

These early experiences color your beliefs about
the safety of your world and the people in it.

These experiences, when positive, teach you to trust the
intentions of others.

However, if they happen to be rejecting experiences they might
teach you to be wary and to protect yourself from further hurt
and rejection.

Do You Recognize This Situation?

Here's a story I've heard many times with variations. It goes
like this:

You are walking down the hallway at work. You pass your
manager who who doesn't say hello.

What do you tell your self? Do you find yourself going through
your emotional checklist:

- Am I not dressed OK?

- Do they not like me?

- Did I do a bad job on that report?

You might even tell yourself, "Oh no, I'm going to be fired."

Fired! How quickly your mind went there.
Fascinating isn't it - how we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt
and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation.

Most likely the explanation is that he or she was wrapped up
in their own thoughts. They just didn't see you. Do you think
you might have misread the situation?

The Bull's Eye in a Target

Isn't it amazing
- how we seem to find ourselves in center stage.
- how we make the situation all about US (when it's frequently
  more about the other person.)
- how we take it as a personal affront.

When you find yourself in the center of your universe, it's hard
not to personalize the actions of others.

In that center position it feels like all eyes are on you. It's
no wonder you feel like a the bull's-eye in a target -- just
waiting for the dart's sting. And expecting it.

Getting hurt a few times too many leads to protecting yourself
from more hurt. 

When you feel like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's hard
not to take it personally.

2. THE DANCE BETWEEN TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY
     AND REJECTION

Taking things personally, means feeling disrespected and rejected.

Taking things personally, means feeling blamed or slighted or
personally attacked.

Taking things personally, means getting feelings hurt by
misinterpreting the meanings of others. We see the actions of
others as a personal affront, believing someone intends to hurt us.

Taking things personally, means that our emotions are controlled
by what somebody says or does or what they don't say or do.

The tendency is to protect ourselves, to pull back,
even to the point of 'disappearing.'  One person I know describes
how she "learned to contract into a pinpoint, withdrawing from
everybody and everything. I went invisible. I still do."

What Happens Next?

When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose
you'll react the next time you see the offending person?

You may find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next
interaction. If your hurt shows on your face or body language,
they may interpret it as judgement or distain. Or it may look like
'attitude' to them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll
try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. Usually they
start with something like:

- "Do I have food caught in my teeth?"

- "Did I just say something stupid?"

- "Maybe you don't want to work with me anymore." 

Thinking these kinds of thoughts generally does not make that
person open and available to you. Probably they'll be closed off
and protected.

3. TALK ABOUT VICIOUS CIRCLES!

Each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other
person's behavior. Before you know it, there is a reciprocity
of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

My book BREATHING ROOM describes the many facets of reciprocity
and how it affects relationships.  Reciprocity is "the effect
of behavior on subsequent behaviors, how one response begets
another.

"For example, #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means
something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts
protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the
perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and
on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn't do it to #2.
#2 doesn't do it to #1.
They do it with each other."

The behavior of each person affects the behavior of the
relationship.

As you can see, this circular process of relating
can cause problems for professional, friendship and romantic
relationships.

Here are some brief examples of how relationships get thrown
off-balance when miscommunication and reciprocal interactions
cause confusion.

For example, Amanda was going through a tough time and
talked to her friend about it. It was several months
before the friend called Amanda to follow-up on how
she was doing.

Amanda told herself all those months that her
friend didn't care about her. In fact, the friend had called
twice and left messages which were not passed on to Amanda.

This was a miscommunication and misunderstanding that might
have caused irreparable damage a long-time friendship.
Thankfully Amanda initiated a conversation with her friend
about her discomfort about the situation.

On the other hand, interest doesn't always work the same
for everyone. Keith asked his partner Hannah quite a few
specific questions about her new job and new boss.
Hannah saw it as 'prying,' where Keith says he was 'only trying
to show interest and caring.'

Good thing they talked about it before feelings got too hurt.
Both might have built protective walls around themselves,
keeping the other out.

Really, Really Awkward

All too often these confusing behaviors don't get
addressed and checked out. The longer it goes on, the
harder it is to get back on course. You don't know what to
say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship becomes strained. And you begin to
feel very awkward with that person.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum.
Or don't look them in the eyes when you do see them.

They may feel like you're ignoring them. Ignoring feels like
disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection. 

And once you get on that run-away-rejection train, it's
hard to get off.

Why not take a deep breath. Make an attempt to deal
directly with the issue and the person. The idea of
'confronting' is surely scary.  However, remember that confronting
the situation is not the same as confronting the person.

You could start by identifying and addressing the awkwardness.
At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been
awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same
for you? I'd like our relationship to get back on track. Can
we talk about how we can make this happen?"

Here are some tips for not getting on that train in the
first place:

5. ELAYNE SAVAGE'S 10 SURE-FIRE WAYS
    TO AVOID REJECTION

•  Remind  yourself, it's more about the
   other person than it is about you.

•  Separate the "personal" from the
   "professional."

•  Don't presume - check things out.

•  Don't try to read someone's mind-
   or expect them to read yours.

•  Put yourself in the other person's   
   shoes. How might they be feeling?

•   Remember: you really do have choices.

•   Be direct. Ask for what you need.

•  Practice "time outs." Count to 10.

•  Try rejecting rejection for a change.

•  And DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Valentines Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
February, 2007

Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'™

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
2. 7-Sure-Fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day -
    Whether You're Attached or Unattached
3. Contacting Elayne
4. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
   
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

Here comes Valentine's Day - almost guaranteed to be a set-up for
disappointment. 

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in
a gift? Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for? Are you
crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your
mind?

Are you disappointed once again? Do you take it personally?
Might you even feel rejected?

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
anger and resentment.

Those resentments are the bane of relationships. And  many of
you know, as the months and years go by, the resentment grows.
It takes up so much space in in your relationship. It doesn’t
leave much room for connection and intimacy.

How Did Valentine's Day Get to Be So 'Loaded?'

For many of us it goes back to grade school.  I remember how
I used to spend many hours/days/weeks dreaming about getting
a special valentine from that special person who sat one row
over and two rows back. So cute and so clueless that I was
even interested.

I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine from him
appeared on my desk.

I remember those miserable years in grade school when I felt
so left out of the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize
about being  one of ones who got the most valentines. I hardly
got any.  Well, at least not the nearly as many as the popular
kids got.

The memory of those disappointments is still painful.
I used to pretend I didn't care. But truth be told, I was heart-broken.

Did I feel rejected.  I sure did.

Did I take it personally?  Well, of course, I told myself that
I didn't rate a valentine. Who was I to even think that cutie
one row over and two rows back would be EVER be interested
in me.

It seemed like each successive Valentine's Day became another
disappointment in an already too-long string of disappointments.
Before long, I was dreading the approach of Valentine's Day. I
hated all the yucky feelings it brought with it.

Protecting Schoolchildren from Valentine's Day Disasters

Maybe it's easier for many kids these days. Many school
districts have rules to try and stop Valentine's Day from
becoming popularity contests.  If cards do make their way
into the classrooms there cannot be a 'special 'card to a
'special person.' Often the rule is that cards must be given
to every classmate.

Hopefully when these school children are adults, they won't
have the same expectation of disappointments that so many of
the rest of us have harbored.

Expecting Disappointment

After all those years of Valentines Disappointments, do I
continue to EXPECT to feel some sort of disappointment on
Valentine's Day.  You bet.

I began to realize it's more than whether or not I happened
to have a honey that year when Valentine's Day rolled around. 
It's really the disappointments, large and small, that put a
damper on the day.

Most of these disappointments come from
unrealistic expectations. The more unrealistic our hopes and
anticipations are, the harder they hit when
they fall to the ground.

Disappointments Feel a Lot Like Rejections

Disappointments feel like rejections.  Disappointments
hurt.  Disappointments leave a big empty space.

And the awful thing about it - we take these perceived
rejections personally. And this leads to self-rejection.
We become self-blaming, self-critical, self-deprecating.
At least temporarily, our self-respect goes into hiding.

Being a Couple Brings Along Its Own Set of Disappointments

Some folks expect that once they become a couple, they are
forever done with  from those disappointing times. Being in a
relationship is no guarantee of a disappointment-free Valentine's Day. 
In fact, there are lots of ways we get our hopes up, allow ourselves a
full-fledged expectation, and come away disappointed.

Maybe you are expecting a special card with a special sentiment
and the card says only: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Maybe you are craving your honey will suggest (AND make
reservations for) that new trendy restaurant that you've been
dying to go to.  Not a word.

Maybe you have your heart set on that special new book or gift
from your favorite shop.  Nope. Doesn't happen.

And then there is that Valentine's Day frenzy in the workplace.
All day the florist is dropping off gorgeous bouquets or
long-stemmed roses to your co-workers.  You just know the next
delivery will be for you.  No. Doesn't happen.  How embarrassing.
Another disappointment.

One man I know tells this story.  "I'm afraid to buy my
girlfriend a gift or even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so
anxious that I'll choose the wrong thing, that I just don't
even buy anything.  Whoever I'm dating at
the time gets really upset with me. They get disappointed in me
and get really hurt. Then they break up with me."

Another example of how disappointments feel like rejections.
It's hard not to take them personally.

Clearly your subtle hints aren’t working. More obvious hints
aren’t working, either. However, saying what you yearn for
does work. Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's
Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out
to dinner with you. I'd like you to make the reservation."

You can make this Valentine’s Day a success by avoiding
misunderstandings and disappointments.

2.  7 sure-fire ways to a Successful Valentine’s Day

If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Respect each others
'ways.'

–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.

–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine’s Day doesn’t work
very well if it’s an “afterthought.”

–7 AND don’t take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little cornerof the world.

On a Personal Note

As for me, I'm older (much) and wiser (sort of) now. I'm at
long last growing past being stuck inside that perpetually
disappointed schoolgirl. 

I'm very grateful for the experience of being in a
wonderfully loving relationship for the last three years.
A relationship that gives me the space to practice saying
what I want. I also get to practice keeping my
expectations realistic. It's like I woke up one day
and realized that I'm no longer expecting disappointment.
Now I expect to be loved and to love back.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

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