Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Your Holiday Survival Guide

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2009
Welcome to the 38th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection®

Your Holiday Survival Guide
By Elayne Savage, PhD

These touchy times foster even touchier overreactions over the holidays.

The stresses of travel, visits with relatives, and dealing with unrealistic expectations and disappointments can lead to holidays disintegrating into low-down battles right before your eyes. The absurdity of it all is like watching a Harold Pinter play.

Theatre of the Absurd

Awkward family situations include: obnoxious relatives, judgments and criticism, and inappropriate, emotionally-loaded discussions about politics or religion.

You can choose not to bite-the-bait that family members toss out.
You can protect yourself from hurtful words and actions.

Here are some tips for handling these stressful holiday dilemmas. How to not be so sensitive. How to not over-react or take things so personally.

Pass the Rejection, Please

- Here is a great way you to take care of yourself at the dinner table. When civility starts getting off track you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the kitchen or bathroom, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this?”

Perhaps you can apply some of these examples to awkward situations in your family. . .

• Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.

- Be direct. Say "Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject."

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists on using her
salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical, so why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.

Mom's behavior is another example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

   - Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices. 

  - Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.

  - Consider having a talk with him about it in a sober moment. This will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is an exquisite example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

   - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.

   - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

When Feelings Are Too Hot To Handle

By the way, when Aunt Sally says, "You always were too sensitive," she is most likely talking about herself.

This is an example of 'projection' - mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned (shadow) parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

Unacknowledged feelings include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

3 Keys to Civility

- Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking 'Time Outs.'

- The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions or inactions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Works every time!

Wishing you a happy holiday season. Filled with good cheer, friends, good cheer, good food and drink and peace.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
July, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
2. Always The Last to Know
3. Feeling Like a Freak
4. New information Rocks My World
5. New Found Appreciation
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
by Elayne Savage, PhD

The prospect of a class reunion can be frightening.This isn't my first one, yet I don't remember looking so critically at myself before.

The reunions used to be held every five years. Now they are every ten. I didn't know about the first few because I was 'lost.' You see, I did not actually graduate from Omaha Central High. When my dad remarried we moved to Baltimore for my senior year.

Because I want to be like everyone else I've learned to take care of myself. I realized my name tag would be photo-less because I was not in the senior yearbook. So I scanned my Baltimore high school photo and sent it to the event planner asking them to put my photo on the tag.  They did.

Two days before boarding the plane in San Francisco I got cold feet. I honestly found myself thinking about ways I could get out of going.

I also did something I haven't done in years. I stood in front of my closet, fretting about what clothes to bring. I thought I'd outgrown that kind of indecisiveness. I've learned to trust I usually look good enough. But not this time. I kept pulling clothes from my closet and piling them on the bed. I tried on lots of outfits. Nothing looked right. I was aware of the old high school uncertainties flooding back. Yuck. I thought I had outgrown that. Guess not.

Truth be told, I was very close to changing my mind about going. It can be dangerous when we start thinking about ways to get out of something we dread doing. We might even conjure up a situation where we don’t have to follow through. But I managed to get through those last days without breaking a leg or arm. I even got to the airport on time.

I'm so glad I went. This has been an amazing, enriching experience. I cherish time with my Central High classmates.  Yet as connected as I feel during these reunion weekends, we somehow manage to not keep in touch from reunion to reunion. This is true of even my best high school friends.

As we go through life we develop notions about the world around us and the people in it.  Wow. Was this ever true for me in high school. Self-doubt took over. I took everything personally. I was the kid who was different from everyone else because I didn't have a mother. I was the poorer kid who wore my cousin's hand-me-downs.

This long reunion weekend with Omaha Central High classmates gave me the opportunity to stop seeing things from the lens of inferiority. I could begin to see the world through a different filter. I watched myself grow up over the weekend.

But not before I started to fall into the old trap of feeling 'different' and 'left out.'

Always The Last to Know

The 'left out' part crept my first day there when my older cousin said, "By the way, Barb called and invited you to the pizza party tomorrow night for the old gang."

I immediately told myself, "I guess I'm the last to know about the party. I'm an afterthought again." 

I had always felt not exactly part of that 'gang.' I felt on the periphery much of the time. (Sure, I realize now that most of us feel left out in high school. If you ask the really popular kids they will tell you the same thing.)

When I got to the restaurant I found out the party was an afterthought. It had materialized only the day before. What started out as a group of 6 people grew to a party of 35 or so.

Hmmmmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how fast I went to that old 'left out' default position?

At each of the reunion events, the 'official' ones and the smaller private gatherings, I could see people were genuinely glad to see me. When someone remembered and shared something about me from those high school days, I could take in their words. Once in a while, someone would say, "I don't remember you," I was OK with hearing that as well. I didn't remember lots of people either.

It was great fun to reconnect with some high school classmates I remembered from 6th grade when we were in a City-wide play. Some of us car-pooled together. I remember I had a mad crush on one of the boys from those play days. Whenever I had a chance to talk with him during rehearsals or performances, I would roll my eyes back into my head. I guess I though it was cool or something. Once he asked me, "Is something wrong with your eyes?" Guess I was wrong about it being a neat, flirty thing to do. I stopped rolling them.

Three of four of us from those play days showed up for this reunion. One even came from Italy. But the fourth actor was missing. Peter Hoagland, who served in the U.S. House of Representatives from Nebraska, died almost two years ago.

I was really looking forward to seeing my friend from middle school, Rosalee. We'd ride the bus together almost every day downtown to Central. She'd be already there always sitting in the same seat, wearing her red coat, waiting for me to board. I looked for her at the reunion events but couldn't find her. Then I saw her name. On the list of classmates who died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Feeling Like a Freak

I mentioned how I felt different from the others. Part of this was being poorer. Part was being without a mother in a world where it seemed every other family was intact. Back in those days there were rarely separations or divorces. I surely didn't know anyone else in a single parent family. Most especially where the mom had died.

Because my mother and grandmother died in a much-publicized plane crash when I was12, I felt so different. My brother Lee and I learned not to talk about the crash, not to offer information about being motherless. It was always awkward because people did not know what to say to us. So we didn't say anything to anybody.

During those high school years I felt like a freak.

New information Rocks My World

Imagine my amazement to learn I was not the only one in my class without a mother! Within the space of 3 1/2 hours I learned some startling information in chance conversations from two classmates.  They also had mothers who died before we arrived in high school.

None of us ever talked about it. Each of us thought we were the only one. And after the reunion I connected with yet another classmate who also grew up in a single parent household. One with no father. He, too, thought he was the only one of our group with a missing parent.

We all could have been good company for each other if we had not felt the need to be so secretive and protective. How many others are there with similar experiences in our 400 plus class?

New Found Appreciation

I got to spend lots of time 'catching up' with my good friend Gail. What a special person she was back then and continues to be. What treat to have lunch together not just once, but twice. I appreciated Gail back then, but even more so now. This time we're determined to stay in contact between reunions. And so far, we're doing a pretty good job of it.

As I walked the halls of Central High, I could see many parallels about appreciation. After all these years I have a new respect for the stately beauty of the 100 year old massive building: the curved wooden doors and moldings and banisters. The beautiful art deco light fixtures. The courtyard. The many things I took for granted back then. And so it is with friendships. With this reunion comes new appreciation. And gratitude.

I'm glad I managed to get on that plane. It was a fantastic experience in spite of a weekend of bad hair days and two prominent pimples – arriving just for the occasion. And you know what? Once I'd relaxed enough to make these longed-for reconnections, my hair, and zits didn't seem important any longer.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
June, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame
 2.  Shame, Shame Double Name
 3.  A Teaching Moment
 4.  It's Only Embarrassment, Not Shame
 5.  Markers of How Far You've Come Along the Rejection Road
 6.  Yet Another Teaching Moment
 7.  Contacting Elayne
 8.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I excitedly wrote about the joys of recognizing and welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences into our lives.  A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.

If you missed it, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/05/index.html

I was so proud of myself for opening up to a new experience with the Washington Post. I allowed it to balance an earlier hurtful childhood experience. I was feeling pretty good about my positive attitude.

Then I  had a big setback.

It happened in Las Vegas during a performance of Cirque du Soleil's 'Mystere.'
The guy doing the comedy schtick in the audience was engaging some folks sitting near me. I couldn't help myself. I had to have a photo of his hilarious antics.

I knew better. But I pulled out my camera anyway and snapped away.
It took about three seconds for the camera police to appear at my seat. She pushed a claim check into my hand: "I'll take your device, she hissed You can retrieve it after the performance."

I got caught. I became the 'bad little girl.' Shame on me.

Shame, Shame, Double Name

I was instantly transported back in time to my first grade classroom. The teacher lectured me for tattling on another student. I was only trying to be helpful, but I was in big trouble.

I was at Langdon School. Washington, DC. And i remained there for the rest of the Cirque du Soleil performance.

I was a first grader watching the show. I was six years old.

I knew what was happening, I just couldn't do anything about it. So there I sat in my seat in the auditorium at Treasure Island in Vegas. Totally lost in the shame of being bad and getting caught. 

Before I knew it, all of the performers were prancing around the stage. Removing their veils and wigs. Taking their bows. I had totally lost those last minutes of the performance. Gone. Evaporated from my adult consciousness. For those last 15 minutes I was disoriented, plunged back in time.

After the show I finally located the manager. He was holding a box of multicolored mini cameras all lined up in a row. By the time I got to him, there were at least 10 cameras still remaining in the box. I wasn't the only 'bad girl' in the house. I felt a little better.

So what was that reaction all about? Where did it come from. Hey, I've been working on this rejection stuff for lots of years. How did it manage to creep up on me and take over so totally?

And what about the first grade incident that appeared in living color? I haven't thought about that experience in decades. But there it was, crystal clear. I was watching it happen all over again. and I was watching myself watch myself.

Powerful.

"It's Only Embarrassment, Not Shame"

OK, many of you have heard me say this before. It usually helps a lot to remind myself that "it's only embarrassment, not shame." But it didn't work for me this time.

Shame and humiliation is so often an automatic response to these kinds of situations. Feeling embarrassed doesn’t carry the emotional charge of feeling ashamed. Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed” is enough to get you past those raggedy moments - at least sometimes.

A Teaching Moment
What did I learn from this experience? It was a reminder for me that no matter how  much work we do on our feelings of  self-rejection, sometimes they can come back to haunt us.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:

"I wish I could promise that these old unwanted behaviors can be totally extinguished. But in reality they’re something like a slow-motion version of those trick birthday-cake candles. They seem to die down for varying lengths of time, then unexpectedly flare up again. But these flare-ups can be useful. (It’s really true.)

Whenever this happens it’s a reminder that you have a unique ability that has saved your feelings—maybe even your life—a lot of times as you were growing up. Look at it as a method you learned to protect yourself, an overadaptation to an unsafe world. You don’t have to discard it just because it’s no longer usable in its current form—you can modify it. You can choose to recognize it, appreciate it, befriend it even, like an old friend from childhood who pays a surprise visit . . .  Accepting yourself includes recognizing the various parts of yourself and accepting them."

Markers of How Far You've Come Along the Rejection Road

For me, one of the best realizations is that these shameful moments used to happen all the time. Now it is pretty rare when one comes along. And that's a good thing!

Consider thinking of these occasional moments as markers, reminders of how far you have come along your road of changing. A client tells this story: "I found myself slipping back into old overreacting behavior.  I was upset with myself until I realized it had been nearly four months since the last time this happened. I used to react like this every day! Now I can use a little humor and say to myself, 'Oh, shit, here it is again.'" 

Has a similar experience ever happened to you? I'd love to hear about it.

Yet Another Teaching Moment

And speaking of returning rejection experiences, I just returned from my Omaha Central High School reunion. I kept reminding myself before the weekend that there is one good thing about reunions. We are ALL the same age.

Lots to reflect on and write about.from the weekend. It's always difficult for me to return to Omaha. There are of course some wonderful memories from my years there, but some really sad ones too. Especially the years after the plane crash. My infrequent visits to the cemetery are markers in my journey of delayed grieving.

Here is a piece on this journey that I recently wrote for BettyConfidential.com.

http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/Air-France-Tragedy-Opens-the-Wounds-of-Her-Own-Loss.html

I want to think a bit about the layers of thoughts and feelings that materialized over the reunion weekend. It was pretty amazing. Most likely good material for an upcoming e-letter.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
May, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
 2.  Dreaming of Redeeming
 3.  The Birthday Party Surprise
 4.  The Poem I Didn't Write
 5.  Humiliated for the Rest of My Life
 6.  Oh No. Not Another Mess Up
 7.  Making Room for Good Stuff
 8.  Contacting Elayne
 9.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Corrective Emotional Experience . . . I've always loved the sound of these words. Ever since I learned the phrase in Psychology 101 decades ago. It sort of rolls off the tongue.

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones
from our past.

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or doe something hurtful it's hart not to take it to heart. These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out  positive and validating responses from people. We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Then, along comes a chance event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. The trick is to recognize it.

Something changes for us.

In the way we see ourselves. In the responses we expect from people around us. In the quality of our connection to others.

Yes, something changes.

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. And we glide to that dark place too quickly and easily.

Yet, something could be different this time. For whatever reason, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. You may feel accepted - validated, appreciated and well regarded.

Dreaming of Redeeming Myself

I just had an experience like this. It was a corrective emotional experience. And it was transformational.

It involves The Washington Post.

You see, I have a painful history with The Washington Post. When I was six years old and living in DC, I had a devastating experience connected to the paper.

And being such an overly sensitive child, for years this experience colored my sensitivity to what other people think of me.

I recently had the chance to add a new chapter to my history with the Post. One that is washing away the bad feelings of the past.

The Birthday Party Surprise

When I turned six, my mother gave me a birthday party. It was weird having friends over to my house, sitting around our dining room table. Because it made my mom jittery to have anyone over, friends and relatives were rarely invited. Can you imagine how surreal the birthday party was?

But there's more. In the middle of the ice cream and cake, the phone rang. It was for me!

On the other end was a man from The Washington Post. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

What poem? What prize? I was confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it.

She wrote the poem the way a six year old might write it. She sent it to the newspaper with my name attached. She didn't tell me

The Poem I Didn't Write

How was I going to read that poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. So she made me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother, next to the kitchen table, practicing the poem. She'd say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write:

"I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post."

She drilled those words into my head. Day after day.

Then there was the long streetcar ride to the radio station on the other side of town.  As I said, my mom got nervous around people, especially in the outside world. Most especially on streetcars. She made me practice the poem the entire ride. Can you imagine how nerve-racking that ride was? For both of us!

When we arrived at the radio station, I was overwhelmed by all the gleaming microphones and glassed-in producer's booths. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. I was shaking.

Then it was time for me to say my poem.

I messed up. I forgot the words.

Humiliated for the Rest of My Life

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to this popular radio station to hear me read my poem. And their 'big star' daughter messed up. I let them down. Big time.

It was a humiliating experience. I have never forgotten the terrible rejection and judgment I felt from my family.

I've been interviewed by hundreds of media outlets over the last 15 years. Many of these have been large daily newspapers in this country and Britain. But never by the Washington Post.

As you might imagine my dream has been to be interviewed by The Washington Post. I wanted to redeem myself. To be able to flip the terrible embarrassment I experienced as a child.

Then it happened. I was asked by reporter Theola Labbé-DeBose to join her in co-hosting an online discussion for the Washington Post.

Oh No. Not Another Mess Up

It didn't go smoothly, I sort of messed up. I had never co-hosted a webinar before. I might have guessed that typing in answers to reader's questions could prove difficult. My disabilities got in the way.

I'm a little arthritic and mildly dyslexic. Enough to make typing difficult. I spend as much time correcting inverted letters as I do in the actual writing. (When you think about it, it's quite amazing I've written two books and hundreds of articles!)

I had another struggle during the webinar.

I had trouble moving back and forth between all the pages. There was the new questions list, the actual online discussion page, the backstage chat module between me, my co-host, and the producer. Whew.

And wouldn't you know it, my computer chose this time frame to run frustratingly slowly.

I was exceedingly slow in responding. Once my co-host even wrote to me, "Elayne are you there?'

I did something really well, however. I thought ahead. The night before I anticipated what some of the questions might be. I wrote out some answers, keeping them on my desktop. Then I could cut and past pieces of sentences here and there. They were already typed out, so that was that much less actual typing I had to do.

Making Room for the Positive

You know what? I didn't feel great about my slow responses on the webinar.
I didn't feel bad, though. I know I did my best.

- I was able to view the experience as an adventure. I saw it as a challenge      and not a defeat.

- I reminded myself that I did indeed co-host a discussion on my hometown paper and that means the world to me.

- I managed to have some compassion and empathy for myself and the situation. I was able to see it with a wide enough lens that I didn't get all caught up in the me, me, me of it.

- I could walk along side myself and see that I have choices in how I respond each step of the way.

- I could take some deep breaths and keep breathing.

- I could make space for a new and different awareness. A different self-concept.

- I made a conscious decision where I wanted to put my energy. In the old negative or the new positive response to the situation.

- When I started to go to that old dark place, I changed direction. I could see the light.

The best part was when Theola supportively emailed me after the program. She reminded me, "Don't forgot to add 'Online discussion host'" to my media credits.

And I did! This was surely a corrective emotional experience for me: Validating, accepting, and non-judgmental. And it frees me up to let my light shine.

By the way, just as I was finishing writing these words, I received in the mail MJ Ryan's just released book, 'AdaptAbillity'– How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For' (Broadway Books).

In this treasure trove of valuable nuggets about change Ryan writes, "Some of us do everything to avoid it. We doubt our capacity to live through it. Yet when it arrives on our doorstep, most of us are able to reach deep; into ourselves and find the inner strength to strap on a sturdy pair of shoes and walk toward the light."

This is a gem of a book. It is wonderfully soothing and hopeful in these troubled times. I hope you'll check it out:
http://www.TinyURL.com/q2jqha

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
February, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
    MORE TOWARD THE HEART

Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude?  Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?

The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this 
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.

I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines  Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card.  A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.

I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.

I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.

2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'

I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.

I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me.  Probably forever.

I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.

I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.

Did I feel rejected?  I sure did. 

Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.

3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT

I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences.  I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.

And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:

By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?

By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.

By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to.  Not a word.

By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop. 
Nope. Doesn't happen.

By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.'  Does your face fall?

Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION

Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.

So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.

Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.

Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'

You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.

Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:

5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'

5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.

6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!

. . . . And on a personal note:

I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September 20, 2007

Welcome to the 11th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Self-acceptance, Self-respect and Self-appreciation
2. What's a Mistake or Three?
3. Lessons from The Yellow Submarine
4. Transforming Self-Rejection into Self-Acceptance
5. And on a personal note . . .
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information


1. SELF-ACCEPTANCE, SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-APPRECIATION
     By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

I'm so proud of my accomplishment. I just assembled four IKEA
storage units. By myself.

And I didn't listen one bit to the nay-sayers:

"You won't be able to do it without help."
"No way. It's too difficult."
"The directions are so confusing. Only drawings, no words."
"You'll get frustrated and give up before it's done."

My response was to stubbornly insist I can do this! For a change I
didn't buy into those old messages that would have paralyzed me in
the past: 
"Who are you to think you are?" 
"What makes you think you can do this?"

I just knew I could do the assembly. How? I remembered another time
when everyone warned me I wouldn't be able to do something.

I was eleven years old. Uncle Max gave me a headlamp for my bicycle.
I was so excited when I open the package. Then disappointment took
over when I saw the zillion parts lying in that box.

My dad promised he'd assemble it for me. Days turned into weeks.
I kept asking "When?" He kept saying, "Soon."

Soon never happened. Each month that went by was another
disappointment. I gave up on my dad.

However, I didn't give up on finding a way to get that headlight
mounted on my handlebars.

I did find a way. Me. I would put it together myself. Yes, it
was hard to understand the directions.  Yes it was complicated.
Yes, I struggled with it. Yes I made some mistakes. Lots of
mistakes.

Eventually I got that headlamp up and working! And then, of
course no one would believe I did it myself. "No way," they'd say.
"It's too difficult for an eleven year old girl to do."

My success with that headlamp let me take on the IKEA challenge.
I was able to tap into that childhood success and to trust it.
Especially when people were warning me not to even try to build
the IKEA units. I just knew I could put the storage pieces
together the same way I put the headlamp together.  And I did.

2. WHAT'S A MISTAKE OR THREE?

I did make some mistakes. More than once I had to disassemble
my work and reassemble it. I just kept telling myself how
grateful I am that there are two units of each design. One on
which to make mistakes. That way by the time I got to the
second unit, I learned from my mistakes. Well, truth be told,
I'm a slow learner and once or twice I repeated my earlier
mistakes. However, it did take me far less time to rectify
them!

And true to my style, I was making the job more difficult
than it needed to be. My battery powered screwdriver refused
to recharge. I decided to just go with my collection of old
manual screwdrivers. Trouble is, my Phillips screwdriver was
all worn out and I was stripping the screws.

So I used a  standard screwdriver, but the size was was not
quite right. I got the job done, but worked at it much harder
at it then I needed to.

I  have to say I did love the challenge of it.  I did love
taking on this new adventure.
I especially loved the feeling of exhilaration when I put on
that last door. And I actually got it to hang right. (Nobody
told me that getting the doors attached was only 1/2 the job.
The doors also have to evenly meet and close tightly.) 

I bought some great polished brass wire handles. I figured out
how to measure where to put the screw holes.

But frankly, the thought of using an electric drill to make
the holes for the handless was scary.  Luckily my long-distance
boyfriend was in town and could help out. Burt to the rescue!
He made the work look so easy. He even bought me the right
size screw drivers which sure made the last stage of the
job go a lot easier. I'm sure grateful to and for Burt.

I'm grateful I was able to tap into a long ago memory of an
ability to put things together.
I'm grateful to be able to recognize my eleven-year-old
competence. 
I'm grateful to call up the ability to trust myself enough
to attempt this project.
I'm grateful that I could allow my self to make mistakes
and not judge myself harshly.
I'm grateful that I can let myself be proud of my
accomplishment.
I'm grateful for the chance to experience self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.

It's an amazing experience to rediscover a strength or
ability from years past.
Especially when it's one we forgot we have. And one that
can be transformed into something useful in the present
and future.

3. LESSONS FROM THE YELLOW SUBMARINE

Another way of transforming abilities, is to practice
borrowing from one compartment within yourself and
transferring it to another. Here are some highlights
I presented in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of
Dealing with Rejection' on the power of transforming:

Can you visualize a hallway with rooms on either side?
Do you remember the scene in The Yellow Submarine
cartoon movie? Remember how the  Beatles characters
were running back and forth across the hall from room
to room?

Imagine that a room contains skills you developed in
childhood and adolescence.

Think of this room as a storage area, with every possible
type of storage container. You'll find closets, shelves,
bins, boxes, and chests of drawers. Perhaps even file
cabinets. 

Can you imagine yourself rummaging through these early
strengths that have been tucked away? Can you imagine
selecting one or two. You can take your time as you
let the process of choosing, sorting, selecting unfold.

Then gather up this new energy you have found. Carry it
across the hall to another room, another compartment,
another part of yourself. Take it to a place where you
have the space to appreciate your skills in a new way. 

Consider ways you can recognize skills that exist in
one area of your life and transfer them to another area.
In this new space you have created, you might find this
new energy begins to transform into something even more
precious and useful.

4. TRANSFORMING SELF-REJECTION INTO SELF-ACCEPTANCE 

However, for some of us, recognizing and appreciating our
abilities is not always easy. Some of us somehow missed
out on the essential building blocks of childhood — things
like self-esteem, self-assurance, or social skills.

Sometimes it seems that we only have stumbling blocks
instead of building blocks.

I can also recall some experiences earlier than the
headlamp adventure. I can
recall having real-life building blocks as a young child:
my erector set. Perhaps some of you had building blocks 
as well. Maybe wooden alphabet blocks,  or Lincoln Logs
or Legos. Did you have a favorite? What was it? Can you
picture the pieces now?

"Visualize taking them down from the shelf and spreading
them around you on a table or the floor. Can you imagine
what they felt like in your hands? How did you put them
together? What was your step-by-step process of building?
How did you select which pieces to use? What did you build?
Did you make windows or doors? If so, how did you frame
them? Did you cover your structure with a roof or did you
leave it open to the air? Did you save the finished structure
or put the parts away for another time?

What can you learn from recalling your building process? Can
you transfer these skills over to how you approach tasks and
problems today? Instead of undermining, you can practice
bolstering, reinforcing, fortifying, buttressing, bracing,
or shoring up your resources.

In fact, you can be your own personal foundation architect."
(From 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with
Rejection.')

For me, the most wondrous transformation of all is the process
of transforming self-rejection into self-acceptance. Successfully
putting together those IKEA storage units was
an important step for me along the road of self-acceptance,
self-respect and self-appreciation.

5. AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE . . .

I'm waiting for the arrival of my first grand child.Jocelyn and Chris
are having a baby girl by C-section today, September 20, 2007.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

'Til next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
July, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Cozying Up to Teamwork - A Key to Successful Relationships
2. Hot Buttons, Hot Seats, Hot Heads
3. Regarding Respect, Appreciation and Persuasion
4. Tasks and Teamwork
5. The Dance of the Over-functioner and the Under-functioner
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. COZYING TO TEAMWORK - A KEY TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
   By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Recent headlines certainly caught my attention:
"Key to a Good Marriage? Share Housework"

Some were surprised at the high ranking of 'Shared household
chores' for a successful marriage in the Pew Research Center's
survey. It showed the sharpest rise in importance of all the
identified items (62% in 2007 from 47% in their 1990 survey.)

(Here's the list:  faithfulness, a happy sexual relationship,
sharing household chores, adequate income, good housing, shared
religious beliefs, shared tastes and interests, children, and
agreement in politics.)
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood

It doesn't surprise me to read about this emphasis on sharing
household chores. As a communication coach for 25 years, I've
heard hundreds of resentful couples complain about the inequality
of chores:

"He has to be asked to do every little thing."
"He conveniently forgets to empty the trash (mop the floor,
  set the table, clean the bathroom, put down the toilet seat.)"
"She never wipes down the shower."
"She never turns out the lights."
"He thinks he's doing me a big favor to cook dinner, but uses
  every pot in the kitchen and leaves them for me to wash!"

Do any of these sound familiar?
Does it sometimes seem intentional or even spiteful?
Do you take it personally?

2. HOT BUTTONS, HOT SEATS, HOT HEADS

Yes, often someone feels disrespected or discounted or disdained
or any of those other 'dis' words I describe in previous
e-letters.

Taking something personally is connected to feeling rejected and
feeling rejected means feeling 'dissed' in some way.


And what do you get? Lots of misunderstandings and hurt feelings
leading to anger and resentment.

Take a quiet, non-emotional moment to look at it. Perhaps you
can acknowledge the other person's action (or non-action) may
not be intentional. Although it seemed like it at the time, their
words or look or tone of voice may not be meant to hurt you

You can even remind yourself, as I write in DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION, that
"Not thinking' doesn't mean 'not caring." Sometimes people just
don't think the same way as we do.

No question that household chores are a hot button topic for many
couples. So hot in fact, that discussions heat up, accusations
sizzle, and tempers flare.

So what to do about it?

In my work with couples I discovered an idea that works.  Why 
not reframe 'sharing household chores' to 'working in the spirit
of teamwork.'

The framework of 'teamwork' puts a different slant on the issue.

In the Spirit of Teamwork

In my work with couples, I encourage them to roll up their
sleeves, put their heads together and come up with some creative
ideas for getting things done. We look at it in the spirit of
teamwork and cooperation.

Then we take a good look at how teamwork can enhance the
relationship.

- What does teamwork mean to each one?
- What does it mean to be 'a good team player'? 
- What are their goals? Individual and together?
- What are their expected outcomes?
- What are their challenges?
- How can they work together effectively? What situations work
  best? What might get in their way?
- Are they communicating clearly?

We then explore the ways teamwork already exists in their
relationship. Then we look for ways to enhance what is already
there.

We look for a way or two that they are already a good team. Maybe
one helps with the other's business, or is supportive of projects
and endeavors.  Maybe they're a great team at planning parties or
meals or trips. Maybe they even travel well together. Or share
parenting decisions or functions.

- Can they identify the areas in which they are already a
   good team?
- Can they employ teamwork and/or team building skills learned
   in professional areas of their lives?
- Can they take these personal and professional skills and
   transfer them to a new area that needs some good teamwork ? 
For example, sharing household chores?

In BREATHING ROOM - CREATING SPACE TO BE A COUPLE (New Harbinger)
I suggest three important ingredients for a connected and intimate
relationship:

- Ability to give and accept respect
- Capacity for self-disclosure, including the ability to be
   sincere, honest, and authentic, and to show vulnerability
   and trust
- Capability for 'teamwork' in the partnership.

Then I provide a definition of teamwork: "Providing support and
satisfactions for each other in mutually fulfilling ways . . . .
This collaboration includes flexibility, willingness to resolve
conflicts, the ability to work and play together, and consideration
of the needs and goals of your partner."

http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

Teamwork in personal and professional relationships

Good teamwork skills exist in both personal and professional
relationships:

- recognizing each other's strong points
- valuing and respecting each other
- agreeing to fully participate
- working together cooperatively
- identifying how each person is part of something larger
   than him or herself
- understanding how each one fits into the bigger picture

3. REGARDING RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND PERSUASION

RESPECT is a key ingredient here.

By respecting ourselves, we can ask directly for what we need and
want in the way of cooperation from the other person.

By speaking respectfully to the other person, you increase the
chances for successful teamwork.

APPRECIATION is important too.

Sometimes it's the small considerations and kindnesses that our
partner does. These could be meaningful if only we would notice
them and give appreciation. "Thank you" goes a long way toward
developing connection. However, first you have to notice.

Successful teamwork depends on developing
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

- Listening to each other's ideas and concerns
- Respectful Questioning
- Respectful Persuading when appropriate
- Clear, unambiguous communication

Many of us grew up with confusing and even crazy-making
communication models. Maybe people said one thing and seemed
to mean another. Maybe things just didn't get said, only hinted
at.  Maybe we were expected to somehow read someone's mind.

Yes, it is a struggle for many of us to communicate clearly and
directly with another person. It is not easy to say what we mean
and to make sure the other person is hearing and understanding us.

PERSUASION AND NEGOTIATING SKILLS
And when it's time to be persuasive and negotiate agreements,
here are some tips:

- Be direct. Ask for what works best for you. If you don't ask, the
   answer is always 'no.'

- Be direct. Turn complaints into clear statements of what you
  really yearn for. Under every act of complaining is a yearning
  for something to be different. Your job is to know what that
  something is.

- Be direct. Don't cross your fingers and hope that the other person
  will read your mind. You'll only be disappointed.

Learning to be direct gives you a ticket to success. I believe the
many inquiries I receive about my communication coaching reflect
the optimism out there. Folks seem optimistic that communicating
clearly and directly is do-able with a little coaching and a lot
of practice.

I really believe that folks are aware that good communication is
the foundation of good teamwork.
And good teamwork is the foundation of successful work and
personal relationships. And they'll do what it takes to achieve this
success in their personal and professional lives.

4. TASKS AND TEAMWORK

Now that we've explored teamwork, let's take a look at tasks.

What does sharing household chores mean? 

Couples use different styles of doing chores and what works for
one couple may not work for another:

1- Overly defined assignments with no space for flexibility.
2- Occasional chore rotations.
3- No definitions for chores. Someone sees something needs to be
    done, and steps in and does it.
4- Chores don't get done.

Let's take a look at how these styles of doing chores can affect
the relationship.


Overly Defined Assignments Leave No Space for Flexibility

Some couples have task assignments, but if one of them is
unhappy about doing certain chores, there is not room for
discussion.

Here's a common complaint: "I agreed to carry out the trash every
day, and I honestly thought it was an OK chore.  But now I'm tired
of it, I find I'm forgetting to do it, and my partner gets upset
with me."

Consider this idea from BREATHING ROOM: "Each person
has strong points that they bring to the relationship. For example,
how do  couples decide who cooks, or does the dishes, cleans the 
toilet bowl, vacuums, or takes out the trash? Some couples decide
who does what chores by stating preferences. For example, 'I like
this one, and I don’t like to do that one.'"

Chore Rotation to the Rescue!

Maybe it's time for a change of task assignment. Occasional
rotation can be a good thing. Does it HAVE to be written in
concrete just because an agreement was once made?  A little
flexibility might save your relationship from unnecessary
stresses.

Can you allow space for your partner to say, "I don't want
to do this chore for a while (or ever)?
Can you communicate your own distaste for a certain chore
to your partner?

Lack of Definition Makes It Very Hit or Miss

Some couples don't have assigned chores. One or the other
steps in and does what has to be done. But it often feels
uneven and unfair.  It's a fertile place for resentment
to grow. And grow.

5. THE DANCE OF THE OVER-FUNCTIONER AND THE UNDER-FUNCTIONER

Resentment especially grows when one person is an
over-functioner and the other is an under-functioner.
Couples often borrow, lend, or trade the ability to
function within the relationship.

Again from BREATHING ROOM: "In order to feel needed and
more useful, the overadequate partner may need the partner
to feel less than competent. This desire is frequently
related to a need to control things, to feel effective
adequate and worthwhile.

"It’s most likely similar to the old childhood job
description: “the responsible one,” or “the capable one,”
or the “good boy or girl.” Did you grow up being the one
everyone depended on? Did you prop people up? Were you sure
things would fall apart if you didn’t take charge . . . ."

This 'caretaker' identity that you created for yourself gave
you self-worth. If you don't hold on to it, would you feel
lost without it?

Or maybe you were the one on the inadequate end.  Maybe your
childhood identity card is stamped: inept, incapacitated,
incapable, inconsequential, incompetent, ineffective, inadequate,
invalidated, invisible, or inferior. Some of us carry quite a
few of these imprints.

Perhaps instead of independence, you acquired a kind of learned
helplessness. You did, however learn to under-function. If no one
expects you to remember things or to take care of business, you
probably won’t.

It's quite amazing how couples seem to find each other. The one
who needs to take over seems to find someone who needs to
have someone take over.

This is an example of 'borrowed' functioning. Both the
over-functioner and the under-functioner feel resentful. The
over-functioner feels resentful because he or she feels way
too depended on. The under-functioner resents feeling so
dependent.

By the way, many of the above circumstances and tips apply to
teamwork in both work and personal situations.
For more on Workplace Teamwork tips see Craig Harrison's
www.Expressions of Excellence.com article:  http://tinyurl.com/ysyn6v

Why not experiment with relationship success? Try bringing some
teamwork into both your personal and professional life.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
April, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Don Imus, the Schoolyard Bully
2. Taking Bullying Personally - It Starts in the Sandbox
3. Why Do Bullies Bully?
4. Tips for Bully-Busting
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
family and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
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sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1.  Don Imus, The Schoolyard Bully
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was writing this April newsletter on workplace bullying.
Several of you suggested the topic.

Then the Don Imus fiasco happened. I listened to commentators
discuss the meaning of it all: the blatant racial and sexual slurs,
the inappropriateness, the outrageousness of it all. But something
was missing. The bullying factor.

Have you noticed the recent onslaught of bullying on radio,
TV and blogs? I got all fired up about the need to address it

So I adjusted my original topic a bit - from workplace bullying to
airwave  bullying. The components are essentially the same.

Imus reminds me of all the schoolyard bullies I've known since
kindergarten: arrogant, demeaning, insulting, coercive, assaultive,
contemptuous, belittling, picking fights, and taking cheap shots. 

Random House Unabridged defines a bully as a "blustering,
quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates
smaller or weaker people."

I must have been a 'small and weaker' people.  I sure got bullied a
lot. And it it hurt a lot.

Perhaps this is why the recent Imus transgressions have such a
powerful effect on me. 

Something unsettling is getting triggered here. Memories are
coming back about all the times someone teased me, taunted me,
humiliated me, or spit at me. 

Yes, you read that right. Spit. That's what some neighbors did
across the screen separating our row houses in D.C. And their
teenage son used to threaten to beat me up in the alley. I guess I
was about 6 years old.

I'm hearing from others that they, too, are reacting powerfully to
the Imus Chronicles. They too, have memories of bullying.

"Talk to me Down and Dirty - I'm Listening"

I'm amazed at the huge audiences these bullying airwave
'personalities' have.  Do folks crave to be insulted and talked
down to? Or perhaps they enjoy hearing others get their
'comeuppance,' being made 'bad' or 'wrong,' and humiliated for
having their own viewpoints.

For many of these media personalities there is no room for
disagreement. And if someone dares to phone in and question an
opinion, the caller is bullied. Unmercifully.

I've done a lot of interviews. I can remember one particularly
difficult interview on a major TV show. I was the newby on the 'panel'
and the others made great sport of bullying me into chopped liver. I
managed to hold my own, but it was not a
fun experience.

Bullying behavior can be obvious or it can be subtle. What it is
of course, is emotionally abusive and rejecting.

2. TAKING BULLYING PERSONALLY

It's hard not to take it personally when an attack feels so personal.

Taking things personally is connected to a myriad of rejection
issues — feeling betrayed, judged, criticized, intruded upon,
humiliated, or bullied. The issue here is that someone is feeling
“dissed:” disrespected, discounted, disdained, disposable,
dismissed, disclaimed, dispensable, disregarded, disclaimed,
disbelieved, disparaged.


It Starts in the Sandbox

I wrote in Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection: 

"It doesn’t take much for feelings to get hurt. A lot of times it
starts in the sandbox, when one child flicks sand at another. The
picked-on child feels hurt and confused. 'Why me? What did I do? 
Do I just sit here and take it? Do I try to ignore it and pretend
nothing happened? Or do I up the ante and flick sand back?'”

Bullying surfaces in the form of verbal battering -  criticizing,
belittling, shaming,  or publicly humiliating someone. But rejection
doesn't only spring from harsh words or actions. It's also present in
more subtle forms - demeaning looks or tones of voice. Rolling the
eyes will get a reaction every time.

We all want to feel respected. And bullying is big-time disrespect
which we perceive as rejection.

Disrespect shows itself by emotional outbursts. Or it may surface in
baiting, putdowns, judgments, or criticism.

Or it appears as teasing, cynicism, or sarcasm.

The Underbelly of Teasing, Cynicism and Sarcasm

Teasing, cynicism, and sarcasm have something in common: Anger. On
the surface, each behavior appears to be "funny" or "just a joke."
In reality, when you scratch the surface, each has undertones  of
anger. But they are passed off as 'humor.' Humor at the expense
of others.

Teasing by parents, relatives, teachers or peers leads to forming
negative beliefs about ourselves and our world. And these beliefs
accompany us into our work and personal relationships.

"Our agenda is to be funny, and sometimes we go too far. And this
time we went way too far," said Imus in a recent interview.

Imus' Program Director Jennifer Worley claims, "He manages to
insult someone every day." 

More examples of being funny at someone else's expense?

3. WHY DO BULLIES BULLY?

When you think about it, bullies must not be feeling very powerful.
If you take a good look, under that aggressive exterior you'll find
a scared, hurting, ineffectual and insecure person.

When we feel vulnerable, we tend to protect ourselves.  Some of us
protect ourselves by taking a tough stance. Some of us need to puff
ourselves up.

Sometimes taking a tough stance gets carried to the extreme and some
people engage in bullying behavior.

Think about it this way: bullies are puffing themselves up and
seeking out someone to bully. Yet, under that aggressive exterior of
the bully is someone who is scared or hurting.

Blustery behavior is usually a cover for emotional pain. AND it helps
keep people away.

The Wizard of Oz and The Smokescreen

I once heard actor/comedian Robin Williams describe what it was like for
him to finally get to know his father. The quote went something like
this: “It’s like in The Wizard of Oz. Don’t look behind the curtain -
behind it is a terribly fragile man.”

When I first saw the movie as a child I was so scared: that huge
booming voice of the Wizard. The billowing bursts of smoke.

Now I can see what a smoke screen is all was.

In Breathing Room I wrote: "When we puff ourselves up or push someone
around, it doesn’t leave much room for the other person, and they end
up feeling diminished.

In reaction to someone puffing up, many of us quickly get intimidated,
wilt, and disappear. It just doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving
end of puffing or pushing."

4. TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING:

If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    • The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
      Maybe all of the above.

    • When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a lot of
      space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your space so
      you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    • The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    • FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.
       
    • Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                           

    • Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    • Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________."  When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    • Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly. 

    • You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    •  And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

Soon to come in upcoming issues: more focus on workplace bullying.

© 2007 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2007

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing the Relationship Boat
2. The Dance Between Rejection and Taking Things Personally
3. Talk About Vicious Circles!
4. Ten Sure-fire Ways to Avoid Rejection
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends,
family and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
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1.  Miscommunicating, Misstepping and Missing
      Relationship Boat 

      By Elayne Savage, PhD

It's amazing how business or personal relationships can so
quickly get off course.

It's often because of those mmmm's.

There are a whole bunch of mmmm's out there causing bumps
along the path to successful work and personal relationships.

Let's start with a few:  miscommunication, misreadings,
misunderstandings, mistakes, missteps and miscues.

Most folks would say miscommunication is a big problem. Someone's
meaning is not clear to you. You may try to guess what someone
means and you misread them.

Sometimes it's a miscommunication is connected to misunderstanding.
If you don't understand someone's meaning do you make an attempt to
clarify by asking?

Or, instead, do you play a frustrating game of 'fill-in-the-blanks'?

When we don't know the answer to something we tend to
fill in the empty space with our own perceptions and
interpretations. Most of the time, of course, we're mistaken.

These interpretations pass through a filter containing your
private storehouse of experiences accumulated since
childhood.

These early experiences color your beliefs about
the safety of your world and the people in it.

These experiences, when positive, teach you to trust the
intentions of others.

However, if they happen to be rejecting experiences they might
teach you to be wary and to protect yourself from further hurt
and rejection.

Do You Recognize This Situation?

Here's a story I've heard many times with variations. It goes
like this:

You are walking down the hallway at work. You pass your
manager who who doesn't say hello.

What do you tell your self? Do you find yourself going through
your emotional checklist:

- Am I not dressed OK?

- Do they not like me?

- Did I do a bad job on that report?

You might even tell yourself, "Oh no, I'm going to be fired."

Fired! How quickly your mind went there.
Fascinating isn't it - how we 'fill-in-the-blanks' with self-doubt
and self-rejection when we don't know the real explanation.

Most likely the explanation is that he or she was wrapped up
in their own thoughts. They just didn't see you. Do you think
you might have misread the situation?

The Bull's Eye in a Target

Isn't it amazing
- how we seem to find ourselves in center stage.
- how we make the situation all about US (when it's frequently
  more about the other person.)
- how we take it as a personal affront.

When you find yourself in the center of your universe, it's hard
not to personalize the actions of others.

In that center position it feels like all eyes are on you. It's
no wonder you feel like a the bull's-eye in a target -- just
waiting for the dart's sting. And expecting it.

Getting hurt a few times too many leads to protecting yourself
from more hurt. 

When you feel like a target, vulnerable and unprotected, it's hard
not to take it personally.

2. THE DANCE BETWEEN TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY
     AND REJECTION

Taking things personally, means feeling disrespected and rejected.

Taking things personally, means feeling blamed or slighted or
personally attacked.

Taking things personally, means getting feelings hurt by
misinterpreting the meanings of others. We see the actions of
others as a personal affront, believing someone intends to hurt us.

Taking things personally, means that our emotions are controlled
by what somebody says or does or what they don't say or do.

The tendency is to protect ourselves, to pull back,
even to the point of 'disappearing.'  One person I know describes
how she "learned to contract into a pinpoint, withdrawing from
everybody and everything. I went invisible. I still do."

What Happens Next?

When you're feeling snubbed, hurt and rejected, how do you suppose
you'll react the next time you see the offending person?

You may find yourself avoiding that person's eyes in your next
interaction. If your hurt shows on your face or body language,
they may interpret it as judgement or distain. Or it may look like
'attitude' to them.

Now it's the other person's turn to 'fill in the blanks.' They'll
try to figure out why you're acting the way you are. Usually they
start with something like:

- "Do I have food caught in my teeth?"

- "Did I just say something stupid?"

- "Maybe you don't want to work with me anymore." 

Thinking these kinds of thoughts generally does not make that
person open and available to you. Probably they'll be closed off
and protected.

3. TALK ABOUT VICIOUS CIRCLES!

Each person's behavior affects and is affected by the other
person's behavior. Before you know it, there is a reciprocity
of behaviors that's rapidly getting out of hand.

My book BREATHING ROOM describes the many facets of reciprocity
and how it affects relationships.  Reciprocity is "the effect
of behavior on subsequent behaviors, how one response begets
another.

"For example, #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means
something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts
protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the
perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and
on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn't do it to #2.
#2 doesn't do it to #1.
They do it with each other."

The behavior of each person affects the behavior of the
relationship.

As you can see, this circular process of relating
can cause problems for professional, friendship and romantic
relationships.

Here are some brief examples of how relationships get thrown
off-balance when miscommunication and reciprocal interactions
cause confusion.

For example, Amanda was going through a tough time and
talked to her friend about it. It was several months
before the friend called Amanda to follow-up on how
she was doing.

Amanda told herself all those months that her
friend didn't care about her. In fact, the friend had called
twice and left messages which were not passed on to Amanda.

This was a miscommunication and misunderstanding that might
have caused irreparable damage a long-time friendship.
Thankfully Amanda initiated a conversation with her friend
about her discomfort about the situation.

On the other hand, interest doesn't always work the same
for everyone. Keith asked his partner Hannah quite a few
specific questions about her new job and new boss.
Hannah saw it as 'prying,' where Keith says he was 'only trying
to show interest and caring.'

Good thing they talked about it before feelings got too hurt.
Both might have built protective walls around themselves,
keeping the other out.

Really, Really Awkward

All too often these confusing behaviors don't get
addressed and checked out. The longer it goes on, the
harder it is to get back on course. You don't know what to
say or how to say it. So you don't say anything.

The relationship becomes strained. And you begin to
feel very awkward with that person.

So you avoid contact with them. Or keep it to a minimum.
Or don't look them in the eyes when you do see them.

They may feel like you're ignoring them. Ignoring feels like
disrespect. Disrespect feels like a rejection. 

And once you get on that run-away-rejection train, it's
hard to get off.

Why not take a deep breath. Make an attempt to deal
directly with the issue and the person. The idea of
'confronting' is surely scary.  However, remember that confronting
the situation is not the same as confronting the person.

You could start by identifying and addressing the awkwardness.
At least that's an entree back into a respectful relationship.

You might say something like: "I've noticed that it's been
awkward between us lately. I wonder if it has felt the same
for you? I'd like our relationship to get back on track. Can
we talk about how we can make this happen?"

Here are some tips for not getting on that train in the
first place:

5. ELAYNE SAVAGE'S 10 SURE-FIRE WAYS
    TO AVOID REJECTION

•  Remind  yourself, it's more about the
   other person than it is about you.

•  Separate the "personal" from the
   "professional."

•  Don't presume - check things out.

•  Don't try to read someone's mind-
   or expect them to read yours.

•  Put yourself in the other person's   
   shoes. How might they be feeling?

•   Remember: you really do have choices.

•   Be direct. Ask for what you need.

•  Practice "time outs." Count to 10.

•  Try rejecting rejection for a change.

•  And DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

©  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Valentines Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
February, 2007

Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of 'Tips
from The Queen of Rejection.'™

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
2. 7-Sure-Fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day -
    Whether You're Attached or Unattached
3. Contacting Elayne
4. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends, family
and business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, please
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. Valentine's Day - If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind
   
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

Here comes Valentine's Day - almost guaranteed to be a set-up for
disappointment. 

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in
a gift? Are you dropping hints about what you yearn for? Are you
crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your
mind?

Are you disappointed once again? Do you take it personally?
Might you even feel rejected?

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
anger and resentment.

Those resentments are the bane of relationships. And  many of
you know, as the months and years go by, the resentment grows.
It takes up so much space in in your relationship. It doesn’t
leave much room for connection and intimacy.

How Did Valentine's Day Get to Be So 'Loaded?'

For many of us it goes back to grade school.  I remember how
I used to spend many hours/days/weeks dreaming about getting
a special valentine from that special person who sat one row
over and two rows back. So cute and so clueless that I was
even interested.

I remember how disappointed I was when no Valentine from him
appeared on my desk.

I remember those miserable years in grade school when I felt
so left out of the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize
about being  one of ones who got the most valentines. I hardly
got any.  Well, at least not the nearly as many as the popular
kids got.

The memory of those disappointments is still painful.
I used to pretend I didn't care. But truth be told, I was heart-broken.

Did I feel rejected.  I sure did.

Did I take it personally?  Well, of course, I told myself that
I didn't rate a valentine. Who was I to even think that cutie
one row over and two rows back would be EVER be interested
in me.

It seemed like each successive Valentine's Day became another
disappointment in an already too-long string of disappointments.
Before long, I was dreading the approach of Valentine's Day. I
hated all the yucky feelings it brought with it.

Protecting Schoolchildren from Valentine's Day Disasters

Maybe it's easier for many kids these days. Many school
districts have rules to try and stop Valentine's Day from
becoming popularity contests.  If cards do make their way
into the classrooms there cannot be a 'special 'card to a
'special person.' Often the rule is that cards must be given
to every classmate.

Hopefully when these school children are adults, they won't
have the same expectation of disappointments that so many of
the rest of us have harbored.

Expecting Disappointment

After all those years of Valentines Disappointments, do I
continue to EXPECT to feel some sort of disappointment on
Valentine's Day.  You bet.

I began to realize it's more than whether or not I happened
to have a honey that year when Valentine's Day rolled around. 
It's really the disappointments, large and small, that put a
damper on the day.

Most of these disappointments come from
unrealistic expectations. The more unrealistic our hopes and
anticipations are, the harder they hit when
they fall to the ground.

Disappointments Feel a Lot Like Rejections

Disappointments feel like rejections.  Disappointments
hurt.  Disappointments leave a big empty space.

And the awful thing about it - we take these perceived
rejections personally. And this leads to self-rejection.
We become self-blaming, self-critical, self-deprecating.
At least temporarily, our self-respect goes into hiding.

Being a Couple Brings Along Its Own Set of Disappointments

Some folks expect that once they become a couple, they are
forever done with  from those disappointing times. Being in a
relationship is no guarantee of a disappointment-free Valentine's Day. 
In fact, there are lots of ways we get our hopes up, allow ourselves a
full-fledged expectation, and come away disappointed.

Maybe you are expecting a special card with a special sentiment
and the card says only: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

Maybe you are craving your honey will suggest (AND make
reservations for) that new trendy restaurant that you've been
dying to go to.  Not a word.

Maybe you have your heart set on that special new book or gift
from your favorite shop.  Nope. Doesn't happen.

And then there is that Valentine's Day frenzy in the workplace.
All day the florist is dropping off gorgeous bouquets or
long-stemmed roses to your co-workers.  You just know the next
delivery will be for you.  No. Doesn't happen.  How embarrassing.
Another disappointment.

One man I know tells this story.  "I'm afraid to buy my
girlfriend a gift or even a card for Valentine's Day. I get so
anxious that I'll choose the wrong thing, that I just don't
even buy anything.  Whoever I'm dating at
the time gets really upset with me. They get disappointed in me
and get really hurt. Then they break up with me."

Another example of how disappointments feel like rejections.
It's hard not to take them personally.

Clearly your subtle hints aren’t working. More obvious hints
aren’t working, either. However, saying what you yearn for
does work. Try this: “Here’s what I’d like most on Valentine's
Day. I’d like a card, some flowers and going out
to dinner with you. I'd like you to make the reservation."

You can make this Valentine’s Day a success by avoiding
misunderstandings and disappointments.

2.  7 sure-fire ways to a Successful Valentine’s Day

If you are part of a couple:
-1 Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly about what
you yearn for.

-2 Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3 Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

-4 Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Respect each others
'ways.'

–5 Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Remind
your self not not  to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.

–6 Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you. On the other hand, Valentine’s Day doesn’t work
very well if it’s an “afterthought.”

–7 AND don’t take it personally. Dwelling takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room for connection
and intimacy.

If you are unattached:
-1 Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2 Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3 Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4 Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

-5 Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

-6 Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little cornerof the world.

On a Personal Note

As for me, I'm older (much) and wiser (sort of) now. I'm at
long last growing past being stuck inside that perpetually
disappointed schoolgirl. 

I'm very grateful for the experience of being in a
wonderfully loving relationship for the last three years.
A relationship that gives me the space to practice saying
what I want. I also get to practice keeping my
expectations realistic. It's like I woke up one day
and realized that I'm no longer expecting disappointment.
Now I expect to be loved and to love back.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where
and when the material will appear.

The attribution should read:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a workplace consultant,
professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author.
To find out more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2006

Welcome to the second issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Whispers and Roars - The Voices of Ambivalence
2. A Few Words About Ambivalence and Gift-giving Dilemmas
3. Tools for Taming Ambivalence
4. Contacting Elayne
5. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends, family and
business associates who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would
like to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can
sign up at http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. WHISPERS AND ROARS - THE VOICES OF AMBIVALENCE
 
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I wrote about my Fears and my Ambivalence in my struggle to
produce my first e-letter last month.

I talked about how The Fear of Rejection was the leader of the
Fear Team: Fear of Visibility, The Fear of Failure, The Fear of
Success and The Fear of Disappointment. Fear of Judgment and
Criticism were on the sidelines as well.

I described the warring voices of my ambivalence: The
disconcerting "You can!," "You can't!" The clash between the 
voice of confidence and the voice of doubt.

When I finally finished writing it, I hit the 'send' button.

There's More to the Story

I was also struggling with another quandary: How was I going to
present myself in the e-letter?

I studied other e-newsletters. Oh my, they were so 
'professional,' 'businesslike' and 'practical.' That's
how I wanted mine to look.

In my first draft I found myself imitating them. In a 
'professional' and 'businesslike' way I presented an overview
of my struggles. Then in a 'practical' way, I jumped to a list
of 'how-to's for dealing with ambivalence.'

Something was Missing

Informative, sure, but something was missing.

A small voice was trying to get my attention. "Listen to me,"
it pleaded. I ignored it. I was determined to put out a
'professional' newsletter.

Then something allowed me to trust my intuition. I made a
decision to share that early draft with a consultation client
who was dealing with some of the same issues. Perhaps a word
or phrase would jump out at him. It did. He thanked me.

And then he asked, "Would you like some feedback?" Sure.
Why not. He knows my presenting style. He's heard me speak
professionally in various venues.

"This newsletter isn't you. It's too formal. Your strength
is in telling your story. When I hear you speak I find
myself being drawn in. But not this time. Something is
missing from your writing."

I listened. He was absolutely right.

Somehow I'd misplaced my essence.

What happened to my voice? Where were my feelings hiding? Under
a rock? In a closet? In the basement?

I found myself too concerned about what others might think. I
lost my voice. It was drowned out by my anxiety and tendency
to compare myself.

I was rejecting my Self.

The Tag-along Template

I got caught up in trying to make my e-letter fit every one
else's template. I let myself be influenced by those very
impressive professional e-zines.

I was trying to compete.

I lost ME.

I wanted to find myself again. To accept and respect myself.
To honor and enhance my strengths. I made a choice to tell
my story exactly as I was experiencing it.

As I looked at my fears and faced them, I began to move
through  them. The moment I hit the "send" button, I
realized something was  different about me. I had just
developed a new relationship - with my Self.

Many of you wrote to say how you recognized the fears I
described - Fear of Visibility was a popular one.

Some of you told me you are starting or finishing a
project that's been a gleam in your eye for a long time.

And you wrote that you are beginning to understand your
ambivalence a little better.

Those Whispers and Roars

For some folks the word 'ambivalence' means 'love and hate'
or 'good and bad.' But there are many kinds of ambivalent
feelings and thoughts.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of
simultaneously conflicting feelings, ideas or wishes which
compete with each other. It can lead to an inability to make
a decision.

It's a tip off you're ambivalent when you experience
uncomfortable inner conflict and can’t make a decision.
You feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may find yourself experiencing a wide-range of
ambivalent personal and professional situations:

—Having trouble deciding which mail (or papers or files or clothes)
to keep and which to toss out

—Wanting to spend time with someone, and at the same time
wanting time for yourself

—Wanting a romantic relationship, yet not being quite ready
to make a commitment

—Wanting connectedness but needing separateness

—Wanting a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours
it would require

—AND related to this Holiday Season: Having trouble making
up your mind about which gift or card to buy.

2. A FEW WORDS ABOUT AMBIVALENCE AND GIFT-GIVING DILEMMAS

It's amazing how much anxiety comes from trying to pick out a
gift or greeting card. Fear of Rejection, Judgment and
Criticism run rampant.

Have you ever had this experience of looking for a gift or card?
You see something in one shop but you're not quite sure it's the
right thing. So you go to the shop across the way. There you see
something else you like.

You get really confused. You may even go back and forth between
shops a few times. You still can't make up your mind.

You may become anxious and upset because you don't know what
to do. You might even leave without buying anything. (Tips on
handling gift-giving dilemmas and in a future issue.)

When two internal voices start skirmishing with one another,
this conflict leads to uncertainty and confusion.

The confusion creates anxiety. The anxiety causes us
to freeze up and become immobilized. This degree  of
ambivalence surely isn't productive.

It takes a lot of energy to deal with these conflicting voices.
Wouldn't you rather put your energy in some other activity?

By moving past the ambivalence, it's possible to leave space
formaking  choices. Here's how.

3. TOOLS FOR TAMING AMBIVALENCE

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only 
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Writing to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What
I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can
begin to move forward by naming it.Is it Fear of Rejection?
Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment?
Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Then say 
it out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently
and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early
experiences but also to family messages which are passed down
from generation to generation.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it
'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enough
to recognize when you may be starting down that old path of
doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down
this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to
take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking
yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean  ___________________.
If I fail, it would mean  _________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean  _____________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone? _____________.
Who would that be?  __________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen? _____________________.

Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space you need to
recognize your options.

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to — especially
someone who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this
process.

Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and
definition. This allows enough space for choices to emerge.

And it allows you the space to move forward.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Fear of Trying - The Newsletter That Almost Wasn't

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
November, 2006

Welcome to the first issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.'

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear of Trying - The Newsletter That Almost Wasn't
2. Contacting Elayne
3. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Please forward this newsletter to your friends and
colleagues who would benefit from these tips.

If you received this newsletter from someone else and would like
to receive your own complimentary subscription, you can sign up at:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com

1. FEAR OF TRYING - THE NEWSLETTER THAT ALMOST WASN'T

    By Elayne Savage, PhD

What a struggle it has been to write this e-letter! My dream turned out to be a surprisingly difficult challenge.

Tripping Over My Own Stumbling Blocks

I've wanted to produce this newsletter for such a long time. I've had this idea about offering useful tips for navigating frustrating personal and professional rejection encounters.

I've looked forward to sharing my observations on rejection, self-rejection and taking things personally.

But many months went by and I wasn't writing. Something was holding me back.

I was dragging my feet. I got sidetracked by every diversion that came along. I was even sorting through stacks of papers and cleaning out file cabinets.

I was tripping over my own stumbling blocks.

Why was this project becoming so difficult? I kept reminding myself, "Come on, Elayne, you've been speaking on rejection for all these years, you completed two books and lots of articles on the subject. You can do this."

But I wasn't doing it.

Something was interfering, displacing anticipation, eclipsing hope. Then I recognized the intruder. 

It was Fear.

The Fear Team Roars In

The Fear Team comes roaring onto the field led by The Fear of Rejection and its evil twin, the Fear of Failure. They're joined by the Fear of Success and the Fear of Being Visible.

Warming up on the sidelines is the Fear of Disappointment. Make no mistake about it, however. Fear of Rejection is the team leader, the foundation for all the other Fears. 

I hear voices in the background and stop to listen. The Fear Team brought along a rooting section. Well, that's OK. I have my own pep squad. 

Both sides try to out-shout each other: "You can't do it! You can't do it!" answered by "Yes, I can! Yes, I can!"

"I have lots to say on this subject!" "You have nothing to say!" "Lots!" "Nothing!" "Lots!" "Nothing!"

Opposing voices are swirling around in my head. Conflicting emotions are skirmishing with one another. This confusion makes me so anxious. I become immobilized.

The Queen Calls a Time Out

It's time to sort things out.  It's too hard to see options through this haze of confusion. When we're unable to make choices, we feel stuck. And when we're feeling so stuck, making choices becomes even more difficult.

Let's start with that exhausting tug-of-war between the voices. This ambivalence involves the presence of simultaneously conflicting thoughts, ideas or feelings.

Ambivalence is often influenced by the messages we hear in our early years. And I was running smack into a barrier of these childhood messages:

    "You're such a dreamer."
    "What makes you think you can do that?"
    "Who are you?"
    "Who are you?"
    "Who are you?"

You, too, may have memories of admonitions received from parents, teachers, or peers. In the last twenty-five years,I've heard hundreds of poignant stories from my counseling and consulting clients.

Warnings like these are rejecting messages. They DISCOUNT, DISMISS and DIMINISH. Over time we begin to interpret these warnings as "Be careful." Caution like this isn't conducive to exploring new directions or writing first issues of newsletters.

Trying to sort it all out, I ask myself an important question:

"What do I fear this time?” 

   -Could I be comparing my proposed project to other newsletters
out there?

   Sure.

  -Might this involve making the commitment necessary to produce something regularly?

   Of Course.

  -Is this about putting words down on paper?

   Absolutely.

Struggling to Put Words on Paper

Putting something in writing - committing words to paper or computer screen — has always been a struggle. Even writing thank-you notes or notes of appreciation is difficult and gets delayed far too long.

The moment you hit the "send" button, you can't take it back.

Recently I confided my difficulty in putting words to paper to a few people.  To my amazement there was immediate recognition. "Yes!" each affirmed, "This is a huge problem. Putting words down for others to see feels like I'm making a commitment." And, they added, "I thought I was the only one with this problem."

I thought this was MY fear, MY incapacity, MY paralysis. I guess I'm not alone. Putting words on paper brings up all kinds of fears. It may be Fear of Rejection or Failure or Success for some. It may be Fear of Visibility or Disappointment for others. It may be all of them.

And What About You?

You, too, have probably faced confusion or fear about taking on new challenges. I hope this story about my struggles benefits you. Just maybe a word or phrase helps you look differently at your situation.

When conflicting ideas led to uncertainty and confusion, calling a "time-out" with yourself let's you step away from the confusion and sort things out. As you understand your fear and ambivalence, you can see your options more clearly. Taking a step back can give you the space to move forward.   

The Voices Quiet Down

The voices of MY Fear Team are more subdued. They still try to taunt me, but I pay little attention:

    "You say you know just what to do. 
    We say you don't. So who are you?"

I'm discovering who I am as i go through the process of facing this challenge. I'm Elayne Savage. I finished writing the first issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection.' And I just hit the "send" button!

To Be Continued

Next month: "Whispers and Roars-The Voices of Ambivalence" You'll learn Tips and tools for handling Ambivalence.

Upcoming issues will focus on such topics as Expectations and Disappointments, The Relationship between Rejection and Taking Things Personally, Difficult People, Messages Passed Down through the Generations, and Communication and Miscommunication.

Until next time,
Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.