TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2008
IN THIS ISSUE
1. Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
2. Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
3. Littering Along the Campaign Trail
4. The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
5. A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
6. About Those 'Blind Spots'
7. Getting a Handle on Projection
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information
Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
By Elayne Savage, PhD
Last month I described intense reactions from my coaching and psychotherapy clients to the negative election campaigning. Especially unsettling were the doses of distortions, unpredictability, threats and fear, distractions, deflections and denial.
If you missed the piece, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/09/index.html
These days I'm hearing about another disturbing effect of this campaign: accusations appearing in the form of psychological projection. Let's take a look at some of the behaviors and how they affect our relationships. These are my impressions and are not meant to be a political statement.
Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
Psychological projection is when one person mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in
him or herself. They may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.
When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.
One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”
Littering Along the Campaign Trail
Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, negative ads. More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the mortgage industry.
And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."
Lately allegations are also surfacing as infighting within one of the campaigns. Team members are accusing each other of wrongdoing.
The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.
There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"
The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
So let's take a look at how projection operates and how it affects relationships.
Anytime you have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can shoot up. Your tendency would be to protect yourself from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common way is to unconsciously attribute them to others.
When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. You might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.
A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits become our 'shadow side.'
For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable. So he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.
So he says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry." Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.
So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? He might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper.'
He may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.
In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.
He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.
In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees his or her own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.
The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies.
About Those 'Blind Spots'
I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple': Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them."
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm
In other words, we learn to reject certain parts of ourselves.
These traits are so well hidden that they become our 'blind spots' and affect our relationships with others. When we can't see something, it's difficult to choose to change it.
Getting a Handle on Projection
Have you ever noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include your anger, your sadness, your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.
If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?
In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in relationships. It helps to get a handle on it. AND it would give self-acceptance a chance to flourish.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
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Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.
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Contacting Elayne
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Elayne Savage
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510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705
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