Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION®

Nasty and Personal: When is Political Nastiness Psychological Projection?

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been receiving e-mails about the polarity and negativity in this political campaign. Readers talk about the nasty and personal sniping, the name-calling and how there seems to be an unusual amount of viciousness in debates and advertising.

One woman wrote:  "Things are getting pretty ugly in the political sphere this election. It would be beneficial to get further perspective on ways to handle situations that are so negative."

"It is not just candidates who are negative. It seems, to me very few people are able to discuss politics without demonizing the other side. It is a real challenge to talk issues in a more objective way.

"A case in point is a close relative who keeps sending attacking political e-mail after I asked them to stop. How do you handle a person who insists upon talking politics when I have clearly stated I don't wish to discuss politics with them?  Where's a good starting point to deal with this issue?"

I do have some ideas of what may be going on here. This is not meant to be a political commentary. But rather, some observations on human nature.

Let's start with understanding 'isomorphism' and then move on to 'psychological projection.'

It is fascinating how some of our relatives or friends or neighbors appear to be taking on the negative qualities of the campaigners. And the media does the same!

The reader's example of pushy, negative comments is a terrific example of isomorphism (Sometimes referred to as  'parallel process' or 'social contagion.')

Isomorphism is a mirroring of one situation by another. It is when the energy from one context (for example political campaigners) is picked up and replicated in another context (for example voters.) 

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

This is what happens with certain interactions as well. In politics the character and temperament of a candidate trickles down to voters. There seem to be an influx of personal attacks, sharp tones of voice, aggressiveness and nastiness.

And of course this process also exists in personal and professional relationships.

Isomorphism is one way of explaining what may be going on in the realm of political nastiness. Psychological projection is another.

Psychological Projection: Spreading the Garbage Around

As the political attacks get more intensely personal and vicious every day, I wonder if there isn't some kind of personal flavor and investment in the accusations.

Could it be that the accuser is talking about their own flaws or shortcomings?

The tendency to see certain traits in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself is called psychological projection.

When we find traits, behaviors, ideas or feelings unacceptable in someone else, it is usually because they are blind spots for us and we need to disown them.

If our family or society has deemed something "unacceptable," it is not safe for it to show up and we tend to submerge it. These traits become our 'shadow side.'

And if they do start to pop up, they make us really nervous.

Anytime we have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears our anxiety level can shoot up. Most of us have a tendency to protect ourselves from experiencing the anxiety when undesirable thoughts intrude. A common way to cope with and tame the anxiety is to unconsciously attribute the thoughts or feelings to others.

In other words, to rid ourselves of this anxiety, we may fling these unacceptable parts of ourselves onto other folks. We may accuse them of the same types of behaviors that we find incompatible with how we see ourselves.

In this primary election we hear accusations of being disreputable, corrupt and sexually inappropriate. We hear about infidelity, influence peddling, corporate shilling, dishonesty, and vicious whisper campaigns.

Some scratching below the surface and a little research might expose the accuser as having similar attributes.

I'm not making a political statement here. Psychological projection has been rampant from both political parties throughout quite a few primary and general election campaigns. And I've commented on it in other blogs.

Have you noticed it too? Is it my imagination or does it seem to get worse with each new campaign?

I'd love to hear your comments. You can write to me at
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Psychological projection does not just exist in political campaigns. It is all too common in our personal and professional relationships as well.

Have you noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include anger, sadness, fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and dependency. It might include your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or bad or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

When a thought or fear is too hot to handle we want to get rid of it. That's when you might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients. By attributing the thought to them, you can rid yourself of the anxiety it brings up.

Projection is like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

A client says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:   http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

"Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

It's Hard Not to Take Finger Pointing Personally

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

It's no wonder the onslaught of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my coaching and therapy clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing a finger at you, remind yourself that the other three fingers are actually pointing right back at the accuser. The SNL folks sure got it right. It helps put things in perspective.
 
It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in many relationships. It helps when we can get a handle on it.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Beating Holiday Stress: Avoiding Disappointments

By Elayne Savage, PhD

One of the biggest stressors during the holidays comes from giving and receiving gifts:

How stressful is it for you to shop for just the 'right' present?
How disappointed do you get if the gift someone someone picked out for you is below your expectations?

Whenever I present a speaking program on expectations and disappointments, the subject of gift-giving generates lots of animated discussion. Just about everyone has a story about feeling hurt, slighted or offended.

The rejection and self-rejection messages they tell themselves go like this:
"He doesn't care about me,"
"She just doesn't 'get' me,"
"He should have guessed what I really wanted."

It's so easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped for. And you try
to keep the disappointment from showing on your face.

And if you are the gift-giver, do you try to read someone's reaction through their expression and body language? Do you imagine you are seeing disappointment on the face of the person you are trying so hard to please?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more time and money than you really wanted to, and you receive from them a sale item at the discount store?

What do you tell yourself?

Some of us have never forgotten our childhood disappointments. When any new disappointment comes our way, it often brings up the anxiety associated with those old childhood feelings.

Each Family Has Their 'Way'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up in different families with different ways of giving and receiving presents.

Some us grew up with checks or gift cards. Others feel slighted when we receive this kind of gift. In our mind, not shopping means not caring.

And then there's the issue of whether to exchange a gift or not. Some of us would never think of exchanging a gift, we think we have to keep it even if we'll never use it. Taking it back to the store feels disloyal or rude. Others wouldn't hesitate to exchange the gift for something they can really use.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Here are some tips for avoiding disappointment and the feelings of rejection that go along with it.

- Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone else to try to figure it out.

- Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from getting disappointed.

- Why not offer two or three gift suggestions? OR even pick out two things you really love at your favorite store or online site. Then ask the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
 buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.
It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about the gift-giving.

They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you really want.

The 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar

Because I know how stressful the Holidays can be, I'd like to tell you about how to get lots of fabulous tips on avoiding stress during the Holidays, I want to invite you to the 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar

I'll be joining my long-time colleague Ilene Dillon for two segments in her 911 Stress Less Holiday Workshop, the laser-fast workshop that will show you how to transform your holidays into a joy-filled and enjoyable experience again . . .

There are so many things that can happen during the Holidays that can easily and quickly mess up your experience. You can be criticized for your choices, intruded upon by questioning or scrutiny, manipulated (again!) into doing things you don’t really want to do, get stuck doing all the food preparation or cleanup, get caught between relatives who don’t like each other (but you love them both!), or have a friend or relative regale you (for hours!) with their depressing stories and problems.

There are things you can do to get through these differently this year. Not only that, but what you learn this year will strengthen you for next year! You can start yourself on the path to enjoyable Holidays for the rest of your life by participating in this 911 Stress Less Holiday Workshop now. It’s “911” for this year; and “stress less” for these Holidays and those to come.

Here are some of the things included in this Teleseminar:
    •    An easy thing you can do to make sure you have enough time for everything you choose to do
    •    How to make sure you are choosing your Holiday activities and experiences
    •    Three techniques for turning aside criticism you may encounter from others
    •    A simple method for bringing up or talking about things, including difficult topics
    •    The sure-fire way to allow your emotions to tell you if you’re being manipulated
    •    Two ways to stop others from manipulating you
    •    How to find, reveal (to yourself), heal and integrate old emotions that mess up your Holidays—and why you want to do this
    •    A simple change of perspective that can turn “problems” into “puzzles” that you can solve
    •    An easy technique you can do, quietly, to keep yourself separate from the problems of others you are with
    •    An incredibly simple formula for setting boundaries with people who want you to do things their way
    •    A “rule” to follow to make sure your decisions are the right ones for you
    •    A powerful, yet simple, exercise to close the door on your emotional reaction to others
    •    A deceptively simple thing to say if someone speaks and hurts your feelings
  
I know you'll be delighted with the skills and abilities you'll develop to help you sidestep Holiday Stress.

The teleseminar occurs in two, two-hour long, sessions, on December 12 and 14 (Monday and Wednesday). You’ll have a choice of two different times each day, too:  
2 p.m. ET (11 a.m. PT) or 8:30 p.m. ET (5:30 p.m. PT) for maximum match-up with your schedule.  

The information offered in this Teleseminar is simple, yet potent. The Teleseminar has been designed so you have two full days of “digestion time” before you are given a ‘second helping” of 911 Stress Less Holiday information.

In addition, Ilene has knocked $100 off the usual cost of this Teleseminar as her Holiday Gift to you.  Normally priced at $397, the 911 Stress Less Holiday Teleseminar is now only $297.  This is a real bargain for the tested information and techniques you’ll receive, right at the time you need it!  

Register Here:  http://stresslessholiday.viprespond.com/?ref=ElayneS

I've had lots of fun this season offering tips on how to beat Holiday stress. You'll also find my ideas featured in the December issue of Real Simple Magazine.

Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to you!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Penn State: Breaches of Trust, Betrayals and Looking the Other Way

by Elayne Savage, PhD

What an abuse of power! How could it take 15 years before authorities intervened and someone did something to stop the abuse and protect the children?

New stories keep emerging about Penn State and Jerry Sandusky. And now there are accusations about The Citadel and Syracuse University. What are the odds there’ll be more?

You are probably familiar with the Grand Jury indictment details. If you want an excellent timeline, here's a link.

 http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/college/penn-state-scandal-timeline-sex-abuse-scandal-rocked-happy-valley-article-1.976843#ixzz1ddbvOb6N

Trying to make sense of it all, I began to write down my feelings. Like so many of you, I too have been touched by this story and found it stirred up childhood experiences. I'd like to share some of my thoughts with you. Perhaps my reflections will help you sort through your own reactions.

The most disturbing aspect of all this is the grownups' failure to protect the children.

 Wearing Blinders and Failing to Protect

Some of my visceral reactions are personal. But you might have guessed that. Childhood memories come flooding back – of all the times I felt unsupported, unprotected and betrayed by adults who should have been acting like adults, but didn't. Or couldn't. Or wouldn't.

Part of my response is professional. My coaching and psychotherapy clients want to talk about feeling abandoned by grownups who should have protected them. They describe the loneliness of dealing with the humiliation of abuse. How they were afraid to tell anyone. The distress that comes with keeping secrets.

Writing this has been quite a process for me. Usually I send out these e-letter/blogs after one or two drafts. This one has taken much reflection and many drafts.

Many of you know I'm a psychotherapist and workplace coach specializing in how not to take rejection and disappointment so personally. Do you also know my ideas on rejection came out of many years in Child Protective Services in San Francisco?

In over 25 years in private practice I've worked with hundreds of men and women who were abused as children. I've taught child abuse reporting to mental health professionals. And I was on a task force that defined psychological maltreatment for mental health professionals worldwide.

I thought I'd heard every story imaginable, on every aspect of abuse. I was wrong.

I was astounded to read how, for so many years, Penn State officials did absolutely nothing to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. No one stepped in to stop the abuse. No one made the phone call that would have ended it. Didn't anyone care?

Much of the heartbreak for abuse victims comes from knowing that others did nothing to protect them.

Family members, teachers, clergy, and other responsible adults often appear to be wearing blinders, obscuring their vision, perception and ability to do the right thing.

I'd heard many stories about parental inaction – not protecting children from various kinds of abusive behavior.

Clients relate how their parents would look the other way when they told them about being bullied or abused by schoolmates. Instead of comforting and protecting them, their parents would say, "You need to toughen up." Now, as adults they continue to be wary of others; not daring to ask for help when they need it.

Here's how one woman describes not being protected when her teenage brother abused her. It started at age ten.

"He molested me in his bedroom, which was actually an alcove off the main hallway. There was no door. Mother, going about her chores, would walk back and forth along the hallway. Now she insists, 'I didn't see a thing.'"

Maybe she was ‘looking the other way.’

I asked my client to find out if her mother might have been molested as a child. And indeed she was. Maybe she "didn't see a thing" because it might have stirred up her own painful childhood memories.

My client, now in her mid- forties, feels betrayed by her mother for not stopping the abuse. Like so many other survivors of abuse and neglect, this failure to protect affects her ability to trust. It permeates all of her relationships.

Looking the Other Way

The Penn State powers-that-be seemed to be ‘looking the other way' as well.

For a decade and a half University officials abandoned the children by ignoring, dismissing and rationalizing known actions of Jerry Sandusky.

The message was clear: the reputation of the school was more important than the welfare of the children.

Then-graduate assistant Mike McQueary reported witnessing the rape of a 10 year old in the showers by Sandusky in 2002. Unfortunately his information was reduced to "horsing around in the shower." No report was made to police or the child protection agency as required by law.

Nothing was done at the time to prevent Jerry Sandusky from molesting again.

What prevented PSU officials from acting like responsible adults?
How many other boys have been abused since those first reports?
What toll has it taken on the abused children and their families?

Hero-worship Runs Interference

 Why did Penn State officials do nothing for 15 years? John Baer, PSU alum and Political Columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News captures the political situation at the school:

"The zealous loyalty of its grads and the power of its deity, football . . . . the pull of Penn State football, to a large portion of the state, is nothing short of magnetic."

Baer asks: "Is it an extreme example of an institutional attitude? Evidence of an unspoken doctrine? 'We don't play by the same rules as other, lesser schools.'"

"Charges of a cover up . . . suggest a conspiracy of secrecy, one designed with a single goal: to protect the house that Joe (Paterno) built." 

Baer goes on to say, "the school grew a reputation for self-protection, arrogance and self-righteous superiority. The real world was elsewhere. This was a world unto itself: a better world." 

Was it this attitude of superiority and untouchable-ness that led to covering up these atrocities for so long?

Were they looking the other way?
Were they aiding and abetting?
Were they accessories after the fact?
Did they obstruct justice?

Rationalizations and confused thinking do not excuse actions like these.

How could they so easily sacrifice those young boys, simply to protect their sports program? What kind of reasoning did they give themselves that allowed them to choose not to protect children from further abuse by a sexual predator? 

How could their priorities get so screwed up?

From the Grand Jury report and indictment, we know of the existence of eight victims over this 15-year period. What will the final total be?

What if grownups had stepped in and stopped Sandusky's behavior in 1998, when incidents of sexual abuse were first reported? University President Graham Spanier is a sociologist and family therapist. What was he thinking?

The Long Tentacles of Abuse

Fear and anxiety are constant companions of abused children. For them, it is not a matter of IF the abuse will come, but WHEN it will it come again.

Abused children hold their breath, waiting for the next time, trying to steel themselves against the physical and emotional pain. This fear and anxiety travel with them into adulthood. The effects of abuse are often devastating.

 The American Heart Association presented a recent study linking childhood abuse of women to increased risk of adult heart attacks and strokes. In 2008, the Center for Disease Control found 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment – including neglect and physical, sexual and emotional abuse – but many more cases go unreported.

http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2011/11/21/hlsb1122.htm

Whether it is physical, sexual, emotional abuse or neglect, the messages we take in about the safety of our world and the people in it leave a lasting imprin

Trusting becomes a lifelong struggle.

More than personal relationships become damaged. Workplace problems develop as well. 'Personality Conflicts' are really about distrust, perceived rejection and taking things personally.

Rejection is the Underlying Theme of Childhood Abuse

Rejection is the underlying message running throughout all forms of childhood abuse and neglect.

Whenever sexual or physical abuse occurs, you'll find a psychological message present - of disrespect, degradation and humiliation.

At what point does the world cease to be a safe place?
How long, before self-rejecting messages start to take hold?
When does self-esteem begin to suffer?

The child receives the message he or she is worthless or flawed – valuable only for meeting someone else’s needs.

What a betrayal of trust when an authority figure takes advantage of a vulnerable child! And it is especially difficult for the child to refuse inappropriate advances when that person is a revered mentor, teacher or coach.

As one of Jerry Sandusky's victim's observed, "You just can't tell Jerry ‘No,"

A Glimmer of Hope

I'm writing this because I had to. And with the hope that I might raise awareness about the long-term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

I especially hope this helps 'give permission' to speak out about being abused, harassed or bullied. The spotlight on the Penn State story hopefully will allow children and adults to talk to someone they can trust – even years after the incidents took place. This could be a parent, teacher, clergyperson or counselor.

When closely held secrets are finally told, healing can follow.

Here's where you can help out. If you find yourself feeling uneasy about the safety of a child and feel that child needs protecting, you can call 800-4-ACHILD.

Make the call and describe what you suspect is happening. You don't have to have 'proof' of abuse or neglect. That's up to investigators to determine. You can make the call anonymously if necessary, but please make it. 

What do you think? Would you like to have a dialogue about any of the issues raised here? I welcome your comments, your concerns and your stories. You can post under 'comments' on the blog: www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com or email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com 

If you want more information on rejection, abuse and neglect, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' explores these issues in depth.

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Personal and Repugnant Politicking

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Talk about name-calling and personal attacks! The live TV debates, campaign ads and media rehashes are loaded with so many rejection messages - slights, clashes, bitterness and harsh personal salvos -  you could lift them from my book "Don't Take It Personally!"

For me, the words and tone and body language bring up unpleasant memories of early bullying and other rejection situations. The dismissive posturing especially upset me. I could have easily written the dialogue from my own personal and workplace experiences. And it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Come to think of it, I made some of the same observations during the last presidential primary campaign. Back then it was the debates between the Democrats.

And here we go again. The Republican Presidential Debate in Las Vegas was chock-full of shouting matches and innuendos. Everyone seemed to be taking something personally - and why not? It was personal!

It would be difficult not to get testy and irritated and defensive. Calling each other 'liars, and accusing each other of 'cheap shots' will do it for sure!

And defensive they got. The exchanges between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney are a classic example of an all too common  dynamic during conflict: 'Attack/Defend.'

When we feel attacked by someone, our instinct is to protect ourselves. And we often attack back. It can easily escalate out of control.

Whatever happened to Ronald Reagan's so-called 11th commandment? This was the rule that came into being when he felt so much intensity from personal attacks against him in the primaries. "Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican."

Looking Through-the-Rejection-Lens

This commentary is not meant to be a political statement. When goings-on like these are so upsetting to me, it helps to put words to it. Some of my clients are also expressing discomfort with the escalating attacks.

I'm sharing some of my observations with you as I experience them Through-the-Rejection-Lens. 

I don’t believe I’ve observed political campaigning with so many personal attacks - especially this early in a campaign. It seems the ante gets upped and the bitterness intensifies with each debate.

Here's how I see the debate interactions:
Accusing
Criticizing
Condescending
Attacking
Faulting
Smearing
Scorning
Slamming
Undermining
Slighting
Dismissing
Discounting
Insulting
Affronting
Judging

Do you have other descriptive words or phrases to add?
What kinds of images do these rejecting words conger up for you?
Do they make you wince as much as they do me?

I'd love to hear your impressions.

You can find the two most relevant blogs I wrote about the 2008 Presidential Election here:

About the Presidential Primaries: 

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/01/that-hurts-my-f.html

About the General Election:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/09/on-a-fast-moving-merry-go-round-and-i-cant-get-off.html

Frantic Efforts to Save Face

I find it intriguing to watch each combative candidate frantically trying to puff themselves up in an attempt to look good.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so flustered, so desperate, that you might exaggerate the facts? Or even lie outright to save face? You might find yourself grasping at straws in a feeble attempt to make your point. Or maybe you were frantically searching for a way to protect yourself and could only pull up some below-the-belt accusations and innuendos.  I have found myself struggling with this too many times.

You could liken the presidential debates to the kind of destructive fighting that sometimes occurs in a couples relationship or a difficult workplace conflict:

The 'Attack-Defend' dynamic is frequently present. The person who feels attacked and vulnerable often defends against the attack by attacking back - sometimes ferociously.

When a finger is pointed and someone feels blamed, the tendency is to retaliate in an effort to protect.

I see this kind of negative interaction frequently when I work with couples or mediate workplace disputes. The exchanges are laden with  self-justification and accusations. They are often toxic and so is the air in the room. Neither party takes responsibility for their part. They are often loaded with 'toxicity.'

There seems to be a need to make the other person wrong and bad.

Clients also report how it reminds them of being young and how their parents used to fight. when they were young -  and how fearful they were about what was gong to happen next.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
     
When topics are uncomfortable, instead of sticking to the issue, folks evade, deflect, and distract by veering off onto other, often irrelevant topics.

Evasiveness can be especially unsettling to those of us who grew up in families where when you ask a question you never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

From the days of the 2008 primaries, I've written commentaries about the viciousness of personal attacks in campaigning. Even though I specialize in dealing with personal attacks between people and hear hundreds of examples, the escalation of attacks during those eight months astounded me.

And here we are four years later. I'm hoping we don't get to the same kind of toxicity this time around. And yet, it seems to be galloping right along and getting worse with each debate and TV spot. 

We have a whole year to go before the election. What can we expect in the next 12 months? What can we do to stop it?

I welcome your comments and responses.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Puttering Around with Perfectionism

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I've been referring lately in "Tips From the Queen Of Rejection" to how striving for perfectionism results in lost opportunities. And you've been writing in, asking me to say more. 

"You Can't Do Anything Right!"

I've struggled with perfectionism since childhood - always feeling no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do anything right. At home and in school the messages I got was:

"That's not good enough."
 "What makes you think you can do that?"
"Your cousin did better than you did."

And even though I think I've changed and gained the upper hand with my need to be perfect, folks around me are not always so sure!

If you've read my books and articles or attended my workshops, you know I see perfectionism as a way of protecting ourselves from rejection.

In other words, we strive to do something perfectly so we don't leave space for someone to say, "It's not good enough." As a result, we can develop unrealistic expectations of ourselves. We might even fall off our own pedestal.

By trying to avoid feelings of disappointment and rejection we may put off beginning the project or task. Yep, that's procrastination.

Look at it this way: we might be trying to avoid the anxiety or stress that comes with feeling bad or inadequate. And we may end up feeling even badder, more inadequate, and more rejecting or ourselves. In future e-letter/blogs I'll write more about my ideas on perfectionism - where it comes from and how to get it to work for you and not against you!

If you have thoughts about what aspects of perfectionism you'd like me to focus on or if you have your own experiences with procrastination to share, email me at elayne@QueenofRejection.com or comment on my blog site, www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

A Fresh Perspective

When we've been struggling with something for a long time, sometimes it's helpful to bring a fresh perspective to how we see it. 

My friend and professional speaking colleague, Scott "Q" Marcus does exactly this as he suggests we strive for imperfection for a change.
 

Striving for Imperfection:Stop Doing Nothing Perfectly and Do ANYTHING Well!

by Scott "Q" Marcus

I have an interesting take on the pursuit of “perfection.”

Striving to be perfect is at best a barrier to actually getting “better,” and — in many cases — an excuse or a justification to avoid having to change one’s bad habits.

A bold or unusual view? Maybe; but, as an example, let’s take a common scenario. Suppose you decided to do something about those “few extra pounds” you’ve been carrying around lately. With fierce determination, you emphatically announce that you’re giving up anything sweet, fried, gooey, crispy, brown, sugary, or with even a hint of alcohol. Furthermore, you will start writing down everything you eat, cook with only organic ingredients, read all labels, consume unprocessed nutrients only, count all calories — and, on top of all that, start a daily 5AM walking program.

“I’m going to be perfect on my program,” you boast, with chest proudly swelled, to anyone who will listen.

And you are – until the end of the first day.

By nightfall, the constant drone of annoying phone calls, interruptions, cranky constituents, unmet deadlines, and various other unexpected events has you drained. You drag your tired soul into the house, drop your purse on the table, collapse on the couch, exhausted, and tell yourself, “One beer won’t hurt. Besides, after a day like today, I deserve it.”

That’s true. Those 20 pounds weren’t caused by “one beer.” The extra weight was actually caused by the thought that follows.

As you lick the last remnants of golden foam from the glass, you are reminded of the promise you made yourself. The thought immediately explodes into the forefront of your mind: “Oh-oh, I blew my diet!” There is a pause while you consider your next step. But before you can tell yourself it’s only a minor slippage and get back on track, the next spark that scampers across your tired gray cells is, “Well, as long as I blew it, I might as well REALLY blow it. I can always start again tomorrow.”

Once the dam has broken loose, the remainder of the evening consists of “one last night” of scavenging the kitchen, finishing off the ice cream, tearing into the bar of chips, eating the peanut butter from the jar, swallowing a pound of cheese slices, and — oh yes — making sure the six pack of beer will be gone before you go to bed. You do all these (or at least you tell yourself), “so you won’t be tempted tomorrow. If I can get it all out of the house, I’ll be OK.”

It sounds good in the moment. And when the alarm buzzes the next morning at 5AM, reminding you to do your walking program, you think, “Oy, it’s so early. I’ll start that on Monday.”

You head to work, face the same day you faced yesterday. (After all, aren’t most days pretty similar?) And, at days end, you come home, collapse on the couch — and repeat the process.

So it goes…

The problem lies not in drinking a beer or having some ice cream, but in the thoughts that lead to the actions; as well as those that follow.

It’s the belief that I have to be “perfect” that gets in the way of actually making improvement.

For example, if instead of perfection, the goal had been to be “better about my health,” the diet would have been off to a great start on day one. Yet, since the measure of success was all or nothing – perfection or failure – day one fell within the loss column. In a world made only of blacks and whites, a near miss is as bad as big miss. There is no difference. Since we can never be perfect, we will always be falling short. Since we’re falling short, we’re a failure. Since we’re a failure, why even bother to change?

Labeling events “success” or “failure” is more than semantics.

When we “fail”, we seek comfort. Although “bad” behaviors might not be healthy, they are comforting. That’s why we do them; for emotional support. It’s ironic, but focusing on our failures therefore actually increases the odds of engaging in those very “failing” behaviors.

On the other side of the coin, if we can focus on successes — no matter how small they seem — we are inspired, which sharpens the senses, allowing new feelings and, therefore new ideas to move to the forefront of our thoughts. As a result, new patterns are generated; negative behaviors are reduced. There is as much truth to the statement that “success breeds success” as there is to the truism I share in my seminars and keynote speeches, “If guilt and shame were motivational, we’d all be happier, healthier, and more successful.”

This is not to say ignore what doesn’t work.

That’s just plain stupid. However, to change the results we get, we first have to change our view; because the reality is we cannot change anything but that and our own behaviors. Our co-workers, family members, constituents, council members, might — and I say might — make minor changes to accommodate us, sure; but the bottom line is we will still have to adjust what we do. It is imperative, especially in the challenging times in which we now find ourselves, that we must find ways to congratulate ourselves whenever possible and be less hard on our ourselves when we mess up.

Success only comes in small steps. That’s frustrating, sure; however, failure arrives in a great big clanging, bang, and all at once. The choice of what we call the results of our actions can make all the difference in how well we do what we do.

Strive for Imperfection: Don’t try and do it all, just do one thing more than you did before, congratulate yourself for that. Repeat as necessary.

About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is a professional speaker and the CRP of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com, a website for people and organizations who are frustrated with making promises and are ready to make a change. Sign up for his free newsletter at the site or friend him at facebook.com/thistimeimeanit. He is also available for coaching and speaking engagements at 707.442.6243 or scottq@scottqmarcus.com

Newsflash!  Elayne Featured in New Series: "Getting Past What Holds You Back"

Scott Marcus is presenting "Getting Past What Holds You Back," a new series of  interactive conference calls with proven experts on how to enhance your relationships, build your career, increase your wealth, find your passion, and stay balanced.
 
Each call will be one-hour in length and open to the public. (Advance registration is required.) And there is no charge!

The first call is September 30 at 11am PST with Mike Domitrz on "Finding Your Passion:."

I am honored to be part of this exciting series. Look for me in February to talk on what holds you back in relationships.

For more information on these programs and guest experts, go to:
http://thistimeimeanit.com/register/

I hope you'll listen in . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

 

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Rewriting the Messages of Childhood

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Wendy Wasserstein was the first woman playwright to win a Tony Award, and a Pulitzer as well for 'The Heidi Chronicles.'

She died of lymphoma in 2006. She was 55 years old.

In Julie Salamon's 'Wendy and the Lost Boys: The Uncommon Life of Wendy Wasserstein' we understand how the onslaught of childhood rejection messages affected the woman she grew into.

Wendy's Story - "Look at That Fat Girl"

The mother, Lola Wasserstein, pushed Wendy to succeed yet undermined her with criticism. The book describes how, walking down the street together, Lola Wasserstein might point to the crowd and inform her daughter, “They are all looking at you and thinking, ‘Look at that fat girl.’

It's no surprise that Wendy had a life-long discomfort with her body.

Any of us who grew up with family secrets can relate to how it must have felt for Wendy to learn as an adult that there was a fifth brother who was never spoken about. First-born Abner had been sent away to an institution years earlier.
 
Wendy grew up shrouding herself in her own secrets. She made friends easily and people felt connected to her, yet Salamon writes that she used “humour as a dodge, intimacy as a smoke screen.” She had great difficulty connecting with friends on an authentic level. Her closest friends wondered how well they knew her. She had a baby at age 48, never revealing the identify of the father.

Wendy was the youngest of five born to Polish immigrant parents who had big dreams for their children. And surely they were ultra-achievers.

Sandra, the eldest, became a high-ranking corporate executive. She died at age 60, a few years before Wendy's death. Georgette, the middle daughter, became the successful owner of a large country inn in Vermont. Bruce was a billionaire investment banker who died in 2009 at age 61. His death was surrounded by secrecy as was much of his life. Another testimony to the power of the childhood messages he grew up with.

Let's take a look at how the experiences we have in childhood can affect our personal and professional lives as adults. And then consider what we can do to change that.

Wendy Wasserstein once said: "Sometimes if you can create order out of experiences, it lets you pass through them."

The stories below happen to be messages from families. Some of the most damaging messages, however, come from teachers and peers.

Hannah's Story - "They'll Find Out I'm an Imposter"

Hannah's mother would say, "What makes you think you can do that?" And Hannah tried so hard to please her, but the response would be "you didn't do a good enough job - you really disappoint me."

Is it any surprise that Hannah, a successful consultant, becomes overly anxious before each client meeting. She tells  herself: I'll disappoint them for sure. I won't be as good as they expect me to be."

Our work together concentrates on how she can build on her successes and not automatically jump to those negative messages from childhood. We focus on the situations where she has been effective. Doing a good job no longer has to be dependent on her impossible-to-please-mother! What would it take for her to stop taking that old message so personally?

Ryan's Story - "I Feel Like the End of the Food Chain"

"'That idea is foolish' my mother would say." My needs or style were never honored. I was expected to do things their way. To think like them. I never had a say. I felt invisible and inadequate."

And this situation is recreated often in Ryan's contract work interactions. Once again he feels powerless, afraid to rock the boat with clients, hearing the old childhood refrain in his head: "Don't upset your mother." These days this translates to, "Don't upset the client."

Related to this is the childhood injunction: "Don't questions us - it's disrespectful."

This means Ryan had to guess the meaning when it was not clear. And in his family, communication was often murky - full of undefined meaning.

You can imagine how this plays out in his dealing with clients who are fuzzy in communicating their ideas and goals for a project. "It's sure hard to keep persevering and go after direct answers when the message of 'Questioning is bad' plays in my head."

Working together our job is to find ways for Ryan to move past those powerful growing up messages. To separate the 'then' from the 'now.' Can Ryan remind himself that as a young person he felt he did not have options for responding. Can he remind himself that as an adult he does have the power of choice. If only he can stay in the  present and not get overwhelmed by the past.

Julia's Story - "I Feel Obligated To Take Care of Others"

"My mother's message to me was 'You don't need a romantic relationship or friends. You have me.' And in fact she was my drinking buddy when I was in high school. I took care of her then. And I still do.

"I guess I feel obligated to take care of others. I can see how I choose under-functioning boyfriends that I can 'save.'" Then my own needs get lost and I'm not taking very good care of myself.

We looked at how Julia can nurture herself. She decided to concentrate on healthful ways of doing this: Long walks with a friend, yoga classes, regular massages, eating mindfully.

Providing a Mirror

I'm curious what kinds of rejection, non-acceptance messages were passed down throughout the generations in the Wasserstein family. It's fascinating to show my clients how to diagram a 3-generational Genogram, noting the spoken (and unspoken) messages that are passed down.

'Grandma Passes Down More Than Just Her China.' is one of my most popular workshops (and a section in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!').
She and grandpa also pass down family traditions, attitudes, beliefs, myths, scripts, roles, rules, expectations, disappointments, and rejection messages. And if we're lucky, we get a dose of acceptance, respect  and validation as well.

Every day in my relationship and workplace coaching practice I hear similar stories to those told here. I'm sharing a few with you because stories like these provide a mirror for you to remember your own experiences, create order out of them, imagine choices for change, and pass through them.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Do you, too, have childhood memories to share? And how have they affected your personal or professional relationships? I'd very much like
to hear your stories. You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

And let me know if I can be a resource to you in any way.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Reunions and Reconnections - Exhilerating and Exhausting

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Reunions can be exhilarating and exhausting at the same time. I just got back from a series of reunions with family, friends and places. I attended a high school reunion and also reunited with an old friend from college.

These adventures gave me the opportunity to discover aspects of myself I didn't know existed. By stepping back into the past and  looking through the eyes of others I could see the reflection of the person I used to be. And I was learning new things about myself!

What Do I Need Most From This Adventure?
For weeks before my trip, I was getting more and more nervous. How would things go? Would I be disappointed? Would I feel rejected and hurt? How would I handle it if things actually went well? And the bigger question: how would I handle it if things deteriorated and I was hugely disappointed?
 
The idea for the trip materialized when I realized I had a need to reconnect with family, friends and favorite places. So I planned a trip to the East Coast where I had done some of my growing up.

I knew I needed to connect with my family in Baltimore. It's been far too long since I visited. I've never met the children of my two nieces -  and the oldest are already four. I wanted to spend time with my brother, Lee, on his turf for a change, instead of in California.

The timing couldn't have been better! There was to be a Forest Park High School reunion brunch while I was there. This wasn't an official 10 year reunion - it was a mini-event to get people together. Hmmmm. Why not plan my trip to include the brunch? 

I don't have much allegiance to Forest Park High School. I graduated after attending only one year. I've never returned for a reunion. I go instead to Omaha Central High reunions even though I moved away and didn't graduate with my class.

I experienced Forest Park only in my senior year when my dad  remarried and moved us from Omaha to Baltimore.

It was such a miserable year for me. I was such a lost soul. I was so angry and resentful at having to leave my friends and the activities I'd worked for - cheerleading captain, yearbook staff, and writing a weekly newspaper column. Adjusting to a brand-new step family with new family rules and roles was such a terrible experience.

When I arrived at FPHS I didn't know anyone and in all honestly, I didn't want to. And it felt like most of them weren't interested in getting to know me, either. They had known each other for years. And I was the newcomer, the outcast, the freak.

I'm grateful for the few people who reached out to me back then, especially Sima who more or less took me under her wing. She introduced me to her friends, and made sure I was included in social stuff.

She and I have stayed friends all these years. It was great seeing her on this trip, spending time together and 'catching up.' Sima picked me up and we drove together to the brunch buffet. I have to tell you that walking in with someone everyone knew made all the difference in the world. I could feel myself relax enough to smile a little at people.

Making Sure to Cover All My Bases
A few weeks before the buffet event I began thinking about how I could best take care of myself in this adventure.

Besides Sima, there were a few others I wanted to try to reconnect with. I emailed each of them that I was coming and would love to get together.

I knew one of them would remember me because we've stayed in touch a bit over the years. I wasn't so sure about the others, though. Would they know who I was? How would I feel if they didn't?

I actually heard back from all three. And yes, they did remember me. Each responded that they'd like to try to get together.

Ricki wasn't planning to attend the brunch but wanted to try to connect if we could. As it turns out, we never did get together when I was in Baltimore. Maybe next time.

I wanted to see if she remembered our cutting school adventures. We'd show up at school in the morning, then decide to drive to Annapolis, 'charter' a fishing boat and sunbathe on the deck out on the Chesapeake Bay. You can imagine how amused the fishermen were!

Another person I wanted to see was Marjorie, who was cheerleading captain at Forest Park and let me be on the cheerleading squad when I arrived from Omaha. I wrote about my gratitude for her kindnesses in an earlier e-letter/blog;
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/07/the-clintonmezvinsky-wedding-not-making-the-cut.html

Marjorie and I stay in occasional touch over the years. When she learned I was going to the reunion brunch, she said she'd try to drive down from Philadelphia. But a few days before the event, she emailed she wouldn't be able to make the trip.

The third woman I wanted to reconnect with was Froma. I have really fond memories of her from high school. She, too, remembered me and we were able to reconnect at the brunch. It was great seeing her again. And now we can make sure we stay in touch.

"Sorry, But I Don't Remember You"
As I said earlier, I was pretty anxious about attending this reunion event. I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I was trying  not to have any expectations - just to  let whatever happens, happen. I was curious however about what my responses to all of it would be. What might I discover about the person I was back then? Would I have any  surprises? How did other's see me? What might I  learn about the person I am now?

I was trying so hard not to have unrealistic expectations.Yet, I really didn't see how most of them  could remember me. I became pretty invisible. I didn't  go to my graduation banquet dance. And I have never attended FPHS reunions in the past.

I pretty much found myself expecting folks to say, "Sorry, but I don't remember you."
And that's exactly what most of them said.

I was also aware that those who did remember me seemed glad to see me after all these years. And you know what? There were lots of people there that I didn't remember either!  I was glad to make new connections.

Here's a moment I just loved: As we were about to leave the restaurant, one woman said, "I've been trying to remember who you were, but I couldn't recall you at all. Until this moment. When you just smiled that big smile how you looked back then came flashing back to me!" 

Another Kind of Reunion  - With a Long Lost Person and a Magazine!
I enjoyed another kind of reunion in Baltimore. I've recently had e-mail contact with someone I hadn't seen since college. I worked with Bill on the Mahout, the University  of Alabama's humor magazine in the 1960's. He was Business Manager when I was Office Manager. He now lives in Virginia and drove up to have lunch. Bill brought along the best gift, ever - the first issue of the Mahout printed under my own tenure as Business Manager.

Yep. There was my name on the masthead, "Layni Raskin, Business Manager."  But wait, there's more. On the inside front cover is a full page ad for Tuscaloosa's McDonalds Drive-In. I'm under the Golden Arches with friends leaning on a shiny Cadillac convertible, and eating a Big Mac. Bill said I must have typed the address label myself, because It had the kind of typos I was famous for when I was Office Manager.

I'm so excited to hold this magazine in my hands again! All of my Mahout issues were ruined years ago when my dad's basement flooded.

So I not only had a reunion with Bill, but a reunion with the Mahout as well. Holding this magazine sure symbolizes my recent journey of reconnecting with people, places and memories.

The Take-Aways
The trip went well better than I could have imagined. Maybe because I thought through what I needed and how to make that happen.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to watch myself interact with old memories and the people in them. I was able to stay present, to walk alongside myself and be mindful of  these interactions as they happened.

I could see how that young, scared, insecure person has finally gained some self-confidence in dealing with stressful situations.

I could see how I could let myself be proactive and try to insure my needs would get met.

I also trusted that what happens, happens and whatever occurs I knew I would learn from it.

But how would I have felt if it hadn't gone so well? What if I had I had been too attached to a certain outcome and was mightily disappointed?

What if I hadn't been open to receiving acceptance in whatever form and shape it appeared? What if, instead, I had expected and perceived rejection as I have so often in the past?

How would I have reacted? Would I have immediately gone back to those old reactions of feeling rejected and taking things personally? And if that had happened, what lessons might I have learned about myself, my world and the people in it?

Here is a description of my reactions to another reunion - in Omaha.
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2009/07/class-reunion-a-time-for-reflection.html

And what about you? If you were to take a "reconnection" trip how would you like it to go? How would you plan  for it? What would you have done to prepare? How might you have reacted if it didn't go well? Would you have felt disappointed? Rejected? Hurt? What might you have learned?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear your comments and experiences about your adventures with  reconnections and various kinds of reunions.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Self-Sabotage - The Gremlin That Ruins Relationships and Careers

By Elayne Savage PhD

A note about self-sabotage: 
I  touched on the topic of self-sabotage in these two radio programs:

EmotionalPro with Ilene Dillon

http://emotionalpro.com/archives/3577  

Your Life, Your Relationships with Hollis Polk   

http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/your-life-your-relationships/                                          The June 1, 2011 podcast

Self-sabotage is such a fascinating subject - and many of you wrote wanting more information. So here you go . . .


Yet another incident of sexting by an elected official was just reported by the media. This time a Louisiana councilman. You're probably as weary of the copious coverage as I am.

Yet, once again I find myself reading all about it. And perhaps a bit embarrassed that I'm so intrigued by the goings on.

I was amazed at the media frenzy surrounding the reports of Anthony Weiner sexting on Twitter. I Is it my imagination or is the media's lust for exposing secret lives of public figures escalating? You know the list: Arnold Schwartsenegger, John Ensign, John Edwards,Mark Sanford, Mark Foley, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, and Bill Clinton. Did I leave anyone  out?

What propels public figures to engage in this kind of risky behavior?

How do they justify behavior that could cause them to self-implode? How do they rationalize self-destructive behavior that, if discovered, will probably lead to loss of careers, families and respect? How much energy are they putting into leading a double life? Why are public figures seemingly driven to take risks that could lead to facing public exposure, censure, rejection — and the subsequent shame and humiliation?

Or for that matter, why would any of us take these kinds of risks?

- Do they think they can get away with stuff because they are  powerful people? 

- Do they think they are so special they won't get caught?

- Are they are driven in a way that they can't stop themselves? Is it part of the love/sex addiction cycle of stress/anxiety/self-doubt leading to acting out behavior? (Resource: Patrick J. Carnes, 'Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction'. 3rd Edition, 2001. Hazelden.)

- Is about that "high" received from the hit of adrenaline when they engage in the behavior? The momentary feeling of power or conquest?

- Might they want to get caught so the behavior will stop?

- Could this be self-sabotaging behavior?

Let's focus on the self-sabotaging part.

How Do We Self-Sabotage? Let Me Count the Ways!
For the sake of trying to make sense out of it, let's call this kind of risky behavior 'self-sabotaging behavior.' Surely they are blocking their success by working against their own best interests. Most certainly they are sabotaging their family relationships, their careers and the trust folks have put in them. Surely they are sabotaging their reputations, and their potential to accomplish their goals and dreams.

How might this self-defeating behavior happen, and why?

Self-sabotage is self-rejecting behavior. And there are a multitude of ways we manage to sabotage ourselves. Let's try to understand how it happens.

The dictionary definition of sabotage is 'an act or process tending to hamper or hurt' or 'any undermining of a cause.'

However I always think the best description of 'sabotage' is the visual image that history offers.

Origins of "Sabotage"
You may know that 'sabot' is a French word meaning wooden shoe or clog. It's said the term originated during the Industrial Revolution when discontented workers threw their sabots into factory machinery to damage it. The word 'saboteur' came to mean 'working carelessly,' 'clumsiness,’  'botching' or ‘bungling,’ The meaning broadened to include any purposeful and disruptive behavior.

What are the ways you sabotage yourself? How do you jam-up, clog, or stop your machinery?

Over the years I've been an expert  at self-sabotage. I've encountered windows of opportunity, but let them float by without acting. I have been known to mis-address correspondence, make typing errors on important emails when I wanted to impress someone, and misspeak on quite a few occasions.  Once I even missed a plane when I was on my way to present a program for an out-of state organization! 

Now I recheck things more than once before sending them out and plan carefully - especially when I want to impress someone.

Do you ever find yourself clogging up your machinery with self-doubt about capability and competence. Are you sometimes overcome with feelings of inadequacy?

Self-sabotage can take a myriad of forms. We sabotage relationships — both work and personal. We sabotage our well-being. We sabotage respect for ourselves.

- Have you ever pushed yourself so hard on the treadmill or bicycling or running that you strain a muscle and can't exercise again for two weeks. That, too, is a form of self-sabotage, even though it really feels good in the moment.

- Sometimes we make relationship choices that are set-ups for rejection and disappointment — another form of self-sabotage.

- Sloppy business practices are another form of self-sabotage.

- Missed opportunities, not listening carefully enough  to our inner voice.

- Sometimes we seem to have a need to punish ourselves. Maybe even for every "bad" thing we've ever done!Self-sabotage is often  the method of choice. Most of the time we aren't really aware we are doing it.

Can you think of other ways?

Self-sabotage is one of the ways we deal with stress and anxiety. Other ways we deflect anxiety are avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, and making excuses.

My earlier e-letter/blogs have addressed the the tug-of-war of ambivalence:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/ambivalence/
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/12/whispers_and_ro.html

And here is link that explores the fears we encounter when we put ourselves out there and try something new:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2006/11/fear_of_tryingt.html

Often we find ourselves hitting the wall of Resistance (with a capital 'R') as Steven Pressfield so exquisitely describes in 'The War of Art.'

'The War of Art' (A book about Inner Battles)
Robert McKee in a Forward to the 'The War of Art' (Warner, 2003) says Resistance is Pressfield's  "all-encompassing term for what Freud called the Death Wish — that destructive force inside human nature that rises whenever we consider a tough, tong-term course of action that might do for us or others something that's actually good."  He goes on to describe the manifestations of Resistance as "a force that lives within us all — self-sabotage, self-deception and self-corruption."

Pressfield describes Resistance: ". . . the most toxic force on the planet . . . To yield to Resistance deforms our spirit. It stunts us and makes us less than we are and were born to be . . . As powerful as is our soul's call to realization, so potent are the forces of Resistance arrayed against it . . . Resistance defeats us. If tomorrow morning by some stroke of magic every dazed and benighted soul woke up with the power to take the first step toward pursuing his or her dreams, overnight every shrink in the directory would be out of business. Prisons would stand empty. The alcohol and tobacco industries would collapse, along with the junk food, cosmetic surgery, and infotainment businesses, not to mention pharmaceutical companies, hospitals and the medical profession from top to bottom. Domestic abuse would become extinct, as would addiction, obesity, migraine headaches, road rage and dandruff."

Self-doubt, Self-rejection and Self-destruction
On the surface pubic figures may appear self-confident and self-assured. Certainly they are persuasive and opportunistic in ways that can serve to benefit others.

And yet, underneath the polished, and successful exterior, there may be heaps of low self-worth lying around.

Perhaps when politicians and other public figures engage in risk-taking behavior, this might be connected to their deep down feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and unworthyness.

It might come from a core belief that in reality they are a loser. Then, as this premise repeats itself over time, it leads to negative and disappointing outcomes. And instead of pretending to be what they are may feel like a huge relief.

You Can Change Your Perceptions
Usually these thoughts are below our radar and we're not consciously aware of them.

In order to overcome self-sabotage we first have to become aware of them. If we can't see something, we can't change it. 

We have to recognize our doubts and fears and understand how they affect our behaviors. You've heard me talk about 'walking alongs side yourself' and mindfully recognizing your thoughts and behaviors, then making a conscious choice to experiment with trying out new behavior.

Ask yourself: Why might I be holding myself back? What am I uncomfortable about?What uncertainties do I have? What might I be afraid of?

Which am I afraid of more — failure or success?

Ask  yourself "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Then say the answer out loud. Even better to state it out loud to another person like a partner, friend, coach or therapist. Hearing yourself say the words seems to take the charge off of the fear.

What would it take for you to become your own best supporter instead of your worst saboteur?

© Elayne Savage PhD

I'd love to hear what you think about this topic.

You can post on my blog under comments:
http://www.TipsFromThe QueenOfRejection.com
or email me at:
elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a relationship and workplace communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Dealing with Feeling Left Out

By Elayne Savage, PhD

May is Mental Health Month. Let's take a look at how stressful everyday work and personal situations can be. Relationships, productivity, and our physical and emotional well-being are affected.

Changing the way we think about something does wonders to change how we feel about ourselves, our world and the people in it.

Rejection, fear of rejection, and disappointments often lead to taking things personally. Taking things personally saps our energy and productivity, especially when we dwell on perceived slights for hours, or even days.

Based on the emails I've been receiving, a lot of people would like to focus on a huge topic - feeling left out. So let's take a look.

For example, Ginny writes about a recent strategy meeting with her manager and a co-worker. When she walked into the conference room the manager and co-worker were already there, chatting away. Their giggly, chummy behavior continued - and they acted as if Ginny wasn't there. It felt exclusionary and hurtful. It was definitely awkward. Once they got down to business, Ginny still felt left out. She could barely concentrate on the discussion. Her mind kept going to the negative messages she was telling herself about why they were excluding her.

And the rest of the day was shot as well. Ginny found it almost  impossible to concentrate on her project. She found her mind traveling back to the experience in the conference room. And that awful feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She wanted to explore it with me during a session. I asked, "When have you felt this way in the past?" Ginny connected it to interactions with peers. "In Middle School, and High School, too." Ginny had lots of memories of feeling left out, unwanted, like an outsider: "I  felt ignored, hurt, and lonely. It felt as though I was always knocking on doors, wanting to be let in and there was no entry.

"I remember a couple of times some girls were whispering when I walked into the room. They noticed me and stopped talking. And then there were the times I was so hurt when I wasn't invited to a party, even when I was a little girl." 

Group interactions can be especially troublesome and hurtful: Another client remembers, “I felt like a third wheel with my friends . . . I'd find myself walking two steps behind them, then three . . . feeling sorry for myself . . . each step I took intensified my sense of being on the outside creating an even more intensified sense of being on the outside . . . becoming more and more invisible, thinking, ‘They’re so involved in conversation, they don’t even notice I’m not walking with them.'

“Sometimes, all these years later, I still find myself dropping back when I’m walking with two other people - and feeling sorry for myself just as I did in the old days.”

Can you relate to this painful common teen experience? Have you experienced being left out when you are with friends? Does that feeling still affect you now? What are your other left out experiences? I welcome your experiences in the comment section at www.QueenofRejection.com .

Not Making the Cut

Andrew expected to be chosen to be included in an upcoming coveted project. For several weeks he had been imagining himself as part of this prestigious team and how it would look on is resume. He was devastated when he was passed over. The intensity of his reaction surprised him.

When has Andrew felt this way before? He recognized the feeling right away:There have been many sports fantasies that didn't turn out the way he dreamed. He was a slight kid who was usually chosen last for the softball games even though he was a pretty good hitter. "When I’d come up to bat I’d hear the other kids whispering, ‘He’s an easy out.' I guess you could say the position I played was 'left out.' If no one gave me a chance, how could I ever prove myself? It just didn't seem fair!"

And not being chosen for the project at work brought up all those old feelings. By making these connections and understanding his reactions in his current situation, Andrew was able to gain enough distance from old hurts and move on to new challenges.

Going Invisible

Danielle tried hard to be noticed in school, but always felt invisible to others. She thought she was speaking up a lot in class, but as we talked about it, she realized her actions actually contributed to classmates not seeing and hearing her. "I had trouble making eye contact and I'd lower my voice to a whisper. No wonder no one noticed me!"

There are dozens of 'feeling left out' stories in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art if Dealing with Rejection' especially in the chapter on peer rejection - "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

On the Outside Looking In

On a personal note, I've been struggling with left out experiences most of my life. I grew up feeling different from other people. Mostly it was about not having a mother in a world where every family seemed to be intact.

If you read my writings or have heard me speak professionally, you know the story of the plane crash that killed my mother and grandmother when I was twelve. When my mother told me she was leaving to take my grandmother to the Mayo clinic, I saw it as my mother choosing my grandmother over me. I felt left out. And the next thing I knew, they were dead.

Having a mother who’d died in a nationally publicized accident was not only devastating but mortifying.

The first day of eighth grade was a week after the plane crash. I was walking across the schoolyard where students were clustered. As soon as they spotted me, they stopped talking. I just knew they had been talking about me, feeling sorry for me. I remember feeling incredibly different from everyone - like the only person in the world without a mother. I was the center of attention, yet I was alone and lonely.

I felt like a freak.

Another factor in my 'left out' growing up experiences was moving several times back and forth across the country. Each community has different customs, even different accents. Learning new social skills and rules is a set-up for rejection. Being 'different' is often not well tolerated well by peers. I made lots of embarrassing blunders. I felt on the outside looking in.

Interestingly, at a recent high-school reunion, we were sitting around reminiscing, and I heard one of the most popular guys say how he never felt part of the crowd. I couldn't believe he said that. I was shocked. I always saw him as being the very center of everything, but it seems he didn’t feel that way. And here I thought it was just me who was so sensitive.

There are lots of times over the years when 'left out' feelings re-emerge and knock me off my center. It took a long time, but  I have learned how not to feel overwhelmed by these feelings anymore. They just don't have the negative power over me anymore that they once had. 

As I "walk along side myself," I pay attention to my process and notice how I may be feeling rejected, taking something personally or giving myself self-rejecting messages.

As I noted above, changing the way we think about something does wonders to  change our behavior and relationships. Here are some tips that have worked for me, my psychotherapy and consultation clients:

• Learn to recognize the signs when those “left out” feelings start to take over.

• Remind yourself that you may be feeling rejected at these times - even betrayed or abandoned. But that may not be how others perceive their interaction with you.

• Putting words to your feelings will help define the situation for you. Speaking them out loud to safe people is even better.

By understanding your history and process about feeling left out you will be able to change the way you respond to overwhelming feelings. And its easier to keep your balance and your composure.

It helps to ask yourself some questions to understand what you are experiencing:

• Am I taking this personally? How?

• Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?

• Am I feeling rejected in some way?

• Where did this reaction come from? Is it something “old”?

And most likely it is an old message we picked up while navigating the bumpy road of peer or family interactions. Discovering what that message is lets you make choices about whether you want to continue down that same path or back up to the fork in the road and explore another direction.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Conquering Ambivalence - Getting Out of That Stuck Place

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Whenever I present my 'What Holds You Back?' program, participants especially value my ideas on ambivalence. Sounds like a good topic for this month's e-letter/blog, so here goes . . .

Ambivalence - The Clash Between the Voice of Confidence and the Voice of Doubt

Ambivalence stops us in our tracks. It's a complex deterrent to personal and professional success. By understanding its subtle and not-so-subtle forms, you'll have a good start on conquering it's immobilizing effects.

Ambivalence is natural to all of us. It's the presence of simultaneous, conflicting, and/or competing thoughts, feelings or wishes. You know you’re ambivalent when you experience uncomfortable inner conflict. When uncertainty and doubt take over. When you feel stuck, like you’re straddling a fence.

You may feel paralyzed and unable to make a decision.

Ambivalence is usually influenced by messages we heard in our early years:

         "You're such a dreamer."
         "What makes you think you can do that?"
         “Who do you think you are?”
 
Many of us receive admonitions from parents, teachers, or peers. We hear these warnings as rejecting messages. They discount, dismiss and diminish. Over time we come to interpret these warnings as "Be careful. Be cautious."

Ambivalence resides in both personal and professional areas of our adult lives. Have you found yourself in any of these situations?

— Fantasizing about a promotion, yet dreading the added work hours it would require

— Wanting to market yourself in new, creative ways, but intimidated by putting yourself ‘out there”

— Hoping to expand your horizons, yet not wanting to commit to the additional  hours it would require to make this happen

— Wanting connection with other people, and needing solitude

— Desiring a romantic relationship, yet not quite ready to make a commitment

— Wanting to spend time with a child or partner, and at the same time wanting time for yourself

— Needing to sort through your 'piles' of stuff but not able to decide what to keep and what to toss

— Craving a loving, nurturing relationship but choosing someone who’s not able to provide what you need

— AND there is the dilemma that confounds so many of us: having trouble deciding which gift or card to buy for a special occasion

Gift-giving Dilemmas

Let's look at gift-giving and card buying. On a continuum of dilemmas this may seem minor, even insignificant to some of you. But for others of us, it's a huge problem. And it describes the process of ambivalence so well.

It's amazing how anxiety bubbles up when we attempt to pick out a gift or greeting card: Fear of Rejection, Fear of Judgment and Fear of Criticism run rampant.

How often do you find yourself unable to decide which card or gift
to buy? You see something in one shop but maybe it's not quite right. Do you visit the shop across the way in case you'll have more selection?

Do you become even more confused? You might even go back and forth between the shops a few times. And you still can't make up your mind.

You may become upset and anxious because you can't make a decision. You might leave without buying anything.

This is a good example of ambivalence: two internal voices skirmishing with one another and the emotional overload from the conflict leading to uncertainty and confusion. Under stress, it's hard to remember we have options and can make choices.

This conflict and confusion creates anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety causes us to freeze up and become immobilized. It feels yucky, something to be avoided.

Some folks can't bring themselves to attempt the purchase. They are afraid they'll make the wrong choice. They want to avoid the possible rejection of judgment and criticism, so they don't take any action. Surely a set-up for  hurt feelings and misunderstandings - especially on birthdays or Valentine's Day!

It takes a great deal of energy to deal with ambivalence and to try to avoid anxiety. And it's stressful.

Going to Great Lengths to Avoid Anxiety

Most of us will go to great lengths to avoid anxiety! There are many ways we attempt to stay clear of these uncomfortable feelings:

• Avoidance – We’ll do just about anything to avoid the pain of another rejection
• Self-Sabotage – How might you sabotage yourself?
• Procrastination – A great example of how fear of rejection leads to self-rejection
• Perfectionism – If we do it ‘perfectly” no one can find fault.
• Excuses –‘Outside’ vs. ‘Inside’ reasons

If you would like me to address any of these ideas in an upcoming e-letter/blog, just let me know. 

Tools for Taming Ambivalence - Talking Out Loud to Yourself

Hearing yourself think out loud allows the space to see choices. Knowing that you have options allows flexibility to change the way you think about a situation.

Since overwhelm tends to be amorphous, putting your concerns into words gives definitions and allows choices to emerge.

Here are some tools my coaching clients find especially particularly helpful . . .

1- Give BOTH voices a chance to be heard. When you're only
listening to one voice you are, in effect, rejecting the other.

You might even encourage the voices to talk to each other. Out loud.
Having the voices write to each other works too.

In other words, you'll be giving voice to both sides of the
ambivalence. You'll be honoring both voices.

One way to do this is to make two lists: a 'What I Have to Gain' list and a 'What I Have to Lose' list.

2- It's probably some type of Fear immobilizing you. You can begin to move forward by naming it. Is it Fear of Rejection? Of Failure? Of Success? Of being Visible? Of Disappointment? Of Judgment?

Try naming the Fear to yourself. Next, write it down. Or make an audio tape. The point is to hear yourself say the words out loud. Hearing yourself say it allows you to see it differently and recognize possible options.

(By the way, these fears are not only attached to YOUR early experiences but also to family messages which are passed down from generation to generation. Maybe you can be the first one to break free of these old messages.)

3- Next approach the Fear with some detachment. I call it 'walking alongside yourself.' This means stepping back enoughto recognize when you may be starting down that old path of doubt and fear. It means taking enough distance from your emotional
tug-of-war to create choices.

4- Then, ask yourself, "Do I really want to continue down this path? I could retrace my steps and make the choice to take the other fork. I can go down a different road."

5- You can learn more about your own early messages by asking yourself these questions:

If I put myself "out there" it would mean____________________.
If I fail, it would mean__________________________________.
If I succeed, it would mean______________________________.
Might I feel disloyal to someone?_________________________.
Who would that be?___________________________________.
If I feel too visible what might happen_____________________.

When conflicting ideas lead to uncertainty and confusion, call a "time-out" with yourself. Step away from the confusion and sort things out. Putting your confusion into words gives it a container and definition. This allows enough room for choices to emerge.

By understanding how ambivalence is connected to your barriers and fears, you'll be able to see your options more clearly. You'll be able to use your energy in more productive ways.

This allows you the space to move forward  - by enhancing your creativity and toward achieving your personal and professional goals.

© Dr. Elayne Savage

How Can I Help?

Sometimes it's helpful to have someone else to talk to  – especially a coach who is professionally skilled in guiding you through this process.

If I can assist in this process via phone call or Skype, let's discuss how I can be most helpful to you.

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Can You Still Be Friends? 7 Tips for Healing From a Relationship Breakup

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It must be the season for relationship breakups! Between Valentine's Day and now I've been receiving more emails than usual about the subject.

It's interesting that folks are asking how to navigate a specific kind of breakup: when the person is not just your partner, but also your best friend.

Here are some of the reflections and concerns communicated to me in the emails  .....

This is the person you could tell anything to, the one you feel so connected with, the one you could share and express your thoughts openly and honestly. You invited them into your sacred space, and you were welcomed into theirs.

They were such a comfort to you, and then, for whatever reason, the relationship evaporates.

Perhaps one of you fell 'out of love.' Or you asked, "Is this all there is?" Or maybe you are love each other deeply, but for whatever reason, the relationship just can't work.

Should You Even Try to Salvage the Friendship?

The question the emailers are asking is: "How can I salvage the friendship part?" Or "Should I even try?"

Too often people try to hang onto a relationship because it feels comfortable. And they stay too long because they are afraid of being lonely. 

Sometimes breakups are by mutual agreement. Other times someone feels rejected and would probably have a long way to go before the continuation of the friendship is possible. It's hard not to think: "You rejected me and now you want to be my friend. Good luck!"

There are no cookie cutter answers here. We each have our own sensitivities and capabilities. The important thing is to take good care of yourself and do what feels right to you. (More about loving and honoring yourself below.)

After you decide to part ways, those talks that were such an important part of your life become excruciatingly difficult.  How do you continue to share details of your day the way you used to? Or plan together for an upcoming event? Or discuss unsettling world news? Or confide your concerns about work or your fears about health issues ?

And the one thing you really want them to comfort you about is the very thing you can't talk to them about: the immense hurt and sadness and loss you feel about your breakup.

You want to turn to them for comforting, but they can't be there in the same way. They are no longer available to have intimate conversations with. To confide in. To pour out your heart and soul to. To cry with. 

What a Lonely Feeling . . .

You so much want to pick up the phone or email or text them to share your experiences and your concerns and your fears. And you can't. Perhaps you both made an agreement to not have contact for a while. Until healing can take place. Until it does't hurt so much. Until you feel whole again.

I've struggled with similar experiences myself. More than once. It is painful and lonely.

I remember more than anything wanting to be held and comforted. And yes, especially wanting them to comfort me about the pain of the breakup.

How can the person you need to be comforted about comfort you?

This gigantic sense of loss can occur in many situations: breaking off a romantic relationship or a business relationship or a friendship, or when someone dies. Leaving a business relationship or long-time friendship can feel like a divorce. Any relationship where there is dovetailing of minds, of ideas, of dreams, of passions can break your heart and leave a huge gaping hole when it ends.

The lover or friend that you took so for granted is no longer available. I wonder which is more painful: a gentle parting of ways on good terms or a dramatic, angry breakup.

What a huge hole it leaves in your heart and your soul. And what a long time it can take to heal. It might take months. Or even years.

And what about you? Have you ever faced the question of whether to try to be friends? How have you handled breakups in the past? Did you feel you had to cut everything off? Did you attempt to stay friends? Did you even want to? If you tried, how long did it take before you could make that transition of moving out of one episode of life and into another?

I'd love to hear from you. You can post your thoughts on the outlined comment box below.

How do we Uncouple and become whole again?
Here are 7 Tips for Healing 

• Give Time a Chance
Hopefully life experiences teach us that things can and do get better. Time is an extraordinary healer. If only we could try not to rush the process and let time do it's thing.

• Closure is Critical
Ask yourself what you need to have closure. It's different for each person. Just make sure you're clear about the reason for the breakup whether you initiated it or your partner did. No room for generalities here. Have a conversation that is direct and specific.

• Loving and Nurturing Yourself
Self-love and self-acceptance have to be an inside job! To love yourself you have to know and accept yourself. This means recognizing your blind spots, owning both your strengths and weaknesses, and acknowledging your “shadow” side. Including those child-like parts that may pop up too often.

It means accepting yourself without judgments. Dispensing with the ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts,’ and any over-concern about what others think. It helps me to repeat, "I am perfect as I am and as I am not."

And by the way, becoming authentic with yourself lets you extend this self-intimacy to other relationships.

You could show love for yourself by treating yourself to a nice dinner, special flowers. soothing music - anything that brings happiness to you and connects you to your world.

And just as important (or maybe even more so) can you let others love and nurture you? Can you allow others to support you through your healing? Can you talk to a friend? This might be a good time for supportive therapy or counseling.

• Self-soothing
Self-soothing is connected to Loving Yourself, but I think it warrants a spot of it's own here. Self-soothing is a way to tap into your needs and resources by quieting yourself.

One way to calm yourself is through repetition of movement which has an auto hypnotic effect. You may already be doing it without even knowing. Do you ever find yourself touching or rubbing your hand, arm, shoulder, chin, or hair? You may have dismissed this repetitive touching as “just a nervous thing I do” but it is, in fact, a creative way of calming yourself.

Next time you find yourself stroking your hair or your shoulder or your knuckles, try doing more of it and notice how well you are making space for yourself.

(The ideas expressed here on intimacy with yourself and self-soothing are based on excerpts from 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple' a book for both singles and couples)
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

My friend and colleague, blogger Allen L. Roland, Ph.D. writes: "The basic underlying and uniting force of the universe is a psychic energy field of love and soul consciousness (the Unified Field) which lies not only beyond time and space but ALSO beneath our deepest fears." - Allen L. Roland, Ph.D.

• Releasing Tension
The healing touch of massage is soothing. If you happen to live near a massage training school, you can get massages for very low fee. My rule is to never talk on the massage table - it tightens me up and interferes with relaxation.

The release of endorphins that comes from exercise elevates your mood. My favorite healing exercise is walking at a fairly fast pace and noticing and breathing in the colors around me.

Yoga and Meditation also bring on a feeling of wellbeing. In the alpha state, mental and physical relaxation lead to changes in brain waves and the release of endorphins.

Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings, watching them come and go, is another way to heal.

• Balancing Negativity with Gratitude and Appreciation
Try to balance any negative thoughts and feelings with remembering the good times you had together. Focus on their qualities and magnificence. Are you able to hold on to those memories and keep them in a container where they can coexist alongside the negative feelings? 

• Letting Go
I believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. I'd like to share with you the Four Principles of Spirituality. I have a PowerPoint version I watch each time I need a reminder.

The Four Principles of Spirituality

1st Principle:
“Whomever you encounter is the right one”
This means that no one comes into our life by chance. Everyone who is around us, anyone with whom we interact, represents something whether to teach us something or to help us improve a situation.

2nd Principle:
“Whatever happened is the only thing that could have happened”
Absolutely nothing of that which we experience could have been any other way. Not even in the least important detail. There is no “if only I had done that differently… Then it would have been different”. No, what happened is the only thing that could have taken place and must have take place for us to learn a lesson in order to move forward. Every situation in life which we encounter is absolutely perfect, even when it defies our understanding and our ego.

3rd Principle:
“Each moment in which something begins is the right moment”
Everything begins at exactly the right moment, neither earlier nor later. When we are ready for it, for that something new in our life, it is there, ready to begin.

The Final Principle:
“What is over, is over”
It is that simple. When something in our life ends, it helps our evolution. That is why, enriched by the recent experience, it is better to let go and move on.

Whatever your loss may be, I wish for you Healing, Harmony and Regeneration ....

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultation services visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Happy Valentine's Day - From My Heart to Yours

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Perhaps I'm just a Hopeless Romantic, but Valentine's Day holds a special place in my heart.

Truth be told, what a different story it was in grade school and junior high. I dreaded February 14. I totally felt left out of the Valentine's Day 'scene.'

I'd get a few valentines but not from anyone I really hoped would notice me. I'd be yearning for a card from that really cute somebody sitting a couple rows away. But I was so invisible none of those guys knew I existed.

And I just hated it when the popular girls pranced around asking, "How many Valentines did YOU get?"

A funny thing happened on the way to growing up. I realized things aren't exactly the way they seem.

Over the years I've reconnected with past classmates from grade  school through college. What a shock to learn a few of those guys  had secret crushes on me back then! They were way too shy to let me  know. And I was way too much of a space cadet to have a clue.

How sad to think about how much caring and support we missed out on during those years. So, how amazing and joyous it is to be able to talk about our feelings for each other from so many years ago.

In spite of those frustrating early experiences, I've been able to embrace Valentine's Day and let it become special to me. Staying positive is not always easy because those early letdowns sometimes program an expectation of more disappointment.

Because disappointment can so easily feel like rejection, it's  easy to take it personally and feel yucky. Most especially when so much hype surrounds the event. Does this happen for you, too?

How We Set Ourselves Up for Disappointment

Let's look at a few ways we might repeatedly set ourselves up for disappointment:

 - Crossing your fingers and hoping someone will read your mind
 - Letting the value of your relationship be tied up in a gift
 - Making 'guessing correctly' a test of caring. Trouble is, it's a set up for flunking   because you are probably not letting the other person in on the rules
 - Dropping hints like crazy about that special gift, reservations at that new restaurant, a card that says everything you dream it will say

I've been thinking a bunch lately about how I've depended others to make my Valentine's Day 'perfect."

These days my motto has become carpe diem. I figure this is the year to take charge of whatever is important to me and really make it work.                                                 

Mostly I'm doing this by taking full responsibility for the effect I want to create.

Not easy sometimes, though. This Valentine's Day has been an unusual challenge. I'm working overtime to balance reasonable expectations with reality.                                        
      
I just dropped a card in the mail to myself. I had a great time picking it out. And It says exactly what I want to hear this Valentine's Day. A sure-fire way to not be disappointed!

I've been shopping for just the right gift, too. And decided on a new iPhone.

Let's look at a few tips for desiging and navigating your Valentine's Day . . .

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will read
your mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, you are  just setting yourself up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift ruin the occasion.
Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for fear of
buying the wrong card or present.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families with
different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your partner's
'ways?'

5. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just be
you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea. Then Valentine's Day won't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

6. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not to
feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.'

7. It pretty much boils down to staying realistic and if
disappointments should happen, try not to take them so personally.
Dwelling on it takes up way too much energy and relationship space.
Make room instead for some delicious connection.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving yourself. You are SO worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to your favorite plant or flowers.

3. Consider buying that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

5. Be grateful for the people in your world who you are lucky enough to love.

6. Appreciate the people who love and care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in giving and receiving love,   perhaps spreading your light in a wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

And remember:
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have . . .

I really like the way my early mentor, author Susan Jeffers, signs her notes "From My Heart to Yours."  So I'm borrowing her phrase just long enough to say to you --

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY - FROM MY HEART TO YOURS . . .

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
 speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Relationships Take a Lotta Work

By Elayne Savage, PhD

I do relationship maintenance - for couples and in the workplace. Enhancing what is working, repairing what falters, and hoping everyone involved has basically the same agenda.

Listening to Obama's State of the Union address, two aspects jumped out for me.

The first was Congress' public show of good will following the tragedy in Tucson where six died and Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was critically wounded. Many Democrats and Republicans were sitting together for the first time in 100 years. The idea grew when a couple of members of Congress started talking to each other. A great example of the value of direct communication!

The second stand out for me was how President Obama's address was chock-full of relationship-building words and phrases.

A show of cooperation and civility

Watching this show of cooperation I had some conflicting thoughts: What a great idea to attempt to move past the acrimony of recent years. However, I wish I could trust the effort more. I just couldn't help feeling this show of civility for some participants was exactly that - a public show.

More than just a show in public

The hard work of relationships is more than just a show in public.

I'm reminded of couples who fake a great show of affection and cooperation during family gatherings and social events. Then, in private they then go back to sniping at each other. Their interactions are filled with bitterness and indifference. This is also true of co-workers who pretend respect in public, yet backstab at the first opportunity.

Building Relationships 101

I was fascinated with how Obama's address is laden with step-by-step advice on how to build relationships. Many of the ideas he put forth could have come straight out of the pages of my book 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple,' a primer on relationship-building. Do you think this choice of phrases could have been purposeful?

Here are a few of the relationship-building words and phrases I found in the State of the Union address:

Obama spoke of our differences: differences in policy, different opinions, and different backgrounds. Would you agree these are similar to problems many of us have to overcome in work and personal relationships?

He reminds us how we face new threats and new challenges. And how relationships take investment and hard work.

He speaks of the need for teamwork - a new era of cooperation. Working together to make things happen, Using new skills and new ideas.

He reminds us that we have a choice.

He says it is never about standing pat. It requires sacrifice and struggle. It means treating people with respect.

He emphasizes the need for building and rebuilding. For repairing crumbling roads and building bridges. For reducing barriers that stand in the way of growth and success.

He suggests forging a principled compromise that gets the job done.

My favorite idea in the speech is really good relationship advice: "Instead of re-fighting battles, let's fix what needs fixing and move forward."

The disintegration of relationships

I recently saw the film Blue Valentine, a powerful, painfully honest story of the disintegration of a relationship.

We are not let in on what happens between the flashbacks of courting and the unraveling marriage in the present. It doesn't appear there were major traumas in the early years of the marriage. No obvious betrayals or breeches of trust. It was more like the disappointments and rejections that occur over and over in many relationships: miscommunications leading to anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment. And before the couple knows it, the infrastructure begins to crumble.

It seems to me that miscommunications, anger, recriminations, bitterness, blame and resentment are exactly what we have been witnessing between members of Congress and between the branches of government. I sure hope the good will displayed during the speech finds a way to continue to flourish.

Restoring respect

In my work with couples and my consultations in the workplace my goal for clients is regaining mutual respect. By clearing out built up resentment. THEN there is the space to reconnect with respect.

Restoring respect Inside the Beltway might just work wonders for a more efficient government.

And if you have a hankering to read more about relationships here are an array of blog links from the archives:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2010/03/relationship-spring-cleaning.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/07/cozying-up-to-t.html

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/05/relationship-lessons-from-yosemite.html

And from my website:
http://queenofrejection.com/article3.htm

© Elayne Savage, PhD

And I'd love to hear your ideas on this subject - you can post in the comment section below . . .

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

 

Enough Trudging Through the Sludge - Time to Conjure Up Some Joy

By Elayne Savage, PhD

This is surely the season for "happy" messages. Here's one of my favorites:
"May your holidays be bright with happiness and your New Year filled with joy!"

It gets me thinking. Yes! I do want to surround myself with bright and happy and joyous. But how? That's so different from the family messages of my childhood.

It's long past time to move past  my family's generational teachings:  if I let myself be happy, something bad might/will/could happen.

Too often I miss out on joyous moments because I'm not open to them. Half the time, I don't even see them. I can get too wrapped up in dwelling and ruminating and worrying about 'stuff.'

Way too much trudging through the sludge.

But things are changing. Lately I've been noticing how little sprinkles of joy appear in my day. And I notice how my mood brightens whenever I create the space to acknowledge joyful moments. So nice that this is happening!

Lately I've been taking the opportunity to rethink what joy means to me. And ways I can capture some of it. What a life-force it can be!

Seeing With Fresh Eyes

So, I find myself appreciating things in new ways:  Kind words. Listening. Sweetness. Consideration. Good humor, Understanding. A touch. My perspective is changing and I'm seeing people and situations differently . . . With fresh eyes.

It might mean rethinking some of my attitudes, or my beliefs, or my ideals. As I grow older, some of these old ways don't work as well as they did 10 or 20 years ago. Yet , all too often we continue to move through life robotically, because "that's the way we've always done it."

The older I get I find myself more and more unwilling to continue to feel devitalized in unrewarding personal and professional relationships. But to change would mean I have to muster the courage to step out of my comfort zone. I'd have to take a chance by doing things differently. And that's scary.

As I nourish myself by collecting  joyful moments, I watch my perspective change. My relationships change.

My work with clients changes as well. And I'm becoming ever aware how much more I have to give. And I notice, too, how my focus is changing.

My approach has always been helping consulting, coaching and psychotherapy  clients enhance the positive rather than staying stuck in the negative. As I reach out to joy in my own life, I'm actually noticing a shift in my work - even though positive reframing  has been a mainstay for years.

'What Would Make Me Feel Good Today?'

I've been putting intention to increasing how I notice and acknowledge joy in my life. I've actually been practicing an  'assignment' I've been suggesting to clients for years.

It's a terrific reminder of how little it takes to bring joy into my world.

Although this is not an easy exercise I hope you'll give it a try. Maybe first thing in the morning when you wake up  - ask yourself:

- "What would make me feel good today? (Variations: "What do I need?" "What do I    want?" "What would make me happy?")
- "What form would it take?" (How would you recognize it and know that it was met?)
- "From whom?" (From someone else? Maybe from yourself)

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I describe how difficult this self acceptance exercise can be:

"Defining these needs, putting words to them, may be a brand new experience for you because no one gave you permission to do it before. Don’t be surprised if you struggle with it at first. Try to have patience and keep practicing. Doing this exercise regularly could change your perspective on life. Practice checking in with yourself throughout the day about how you feel and what would make you feel better. You will develop a more defined sense of yourself—and new respect for both yourself and your needs.

"Now that you are beginning to recognize your own wants and needs, how do you go about communicating them to another person? Here are some possible ways to  phrase your request:

"Sometimes I find myself hinting around about something I want or need from you. I’d like to just tell you directly. I need for you to  ___________________.         
I have a request to make of you. It’s important to me that you  _______________.         

"Hearing yourself speak your needs out loud works wonders. Be aware that it’s often much easier to say what you don’t want from someone than what you do want. Negatives always seem to be on the tips of our tongues, don’t they? For example, it’s easier to say, “I don’t want you to keep reading the paper when I’m talking about a problem.” Instead, emphasize what you do want: “I would really like to make eye contact with you when we talk. Could you please put the paper down while we’re speaking?"

At work you might say,"Next time I need for you to give me your full attention and not take incoming calls while we are meeting."

Lots more ideas about self-acceptance in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

This Season's Greeting message touched my heart and, if I may, I'd like to pass it on to you:

"Wishing you threads of happiness and colors of joy woven throughout the fabric of your life."

Happy New Year!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

When 'Gratitude' Takes on Personality

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving has always been a favorite holiday. Although I'm not exactly sure why.

I used to take it for granted. A perfunctory thanks before the meal was about the extent of  my display of gratitude. And then I could get on with the pleasure of eating - especially all that unhealthy, crispy turkey skin that I adore.

'Gratitude' Becomes More Than a Word

Then, a few years ago, something shifted. I now find myself creating the space to bring the meaning of gratitude and appreciation into my life - often.

I appreciate so many things, large and small. From smiles from strangers I pass on the street to someone responding positively to a favor it took me days to work up to asking for, to folks graciously letting me give something back to them.

But a big-ticket appreciation item is how grateful I am for the wonderfully supportive people in my life. Many are old friends, one even goes back to junior high school and we reconnected at a high school reunion a few years ago. Several from high school and college. Some of these enduring relationships are from my first real job, decades ago. I'm actually spending this Thanksgiving with my college roommate and her family.

I'm grateful when I've been able to reconnect to friends after losing contact. The reconnection could happen because one of us reached out, and the other was open and receptive. Sometimes there has been an intermediary who was the catalyst.

These are special friendships because they could easily have been lost forever. So, I count my blessings that you are in my life.

When the Student is Ready, the Teacher Will Appear

I appreciate the Buddhist saying: "When the Student is ready, the Teacher will appear."

I'm grateful for my mentors and teachers and the opportunities presented. I'm especially grateful that I have the wisdom (OK, maybe intuition) to be open to receive.

I have learned much from family, friends, therapy and coaching clients. And from you, too, readers who have received these e-letters and responded with your own ideas and thoughts.  I'm grateful to you.

"Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble"

This year has had its share of drama. There were surely times I was knocked off my center and landed with a big thud. Or maybe it was more of a splat.

The nightmare started last spring. Of all the times I've been interviewed as an expert on cyber abuse, I never dreamed I'd become the target of a malicious action by someone I hardly knew decades ago. The outpouring of support by family, friends, and from folks I've never met, was so important to keeping my sanity.

So, thanks for helping me stand again. And for helping me tap into my resilience which had become momentarily obscured. And for your unmistakable caring.

The Dreaded Birthday Arrives

And more recently, I so appreciate how friends and family rallied around me when I had a difficult birthday. I have officially arrived at the age my father was when he died and I have been hugely affected by this rite of passage.

And yet, the Phoenix rises! It feels like a breakthrough year is in the process of happening. It feels that whatever was holding me back from reaching some goals, just went 'poof' into thin air. Much like the animated puff of virtual smoke on my Mac when I drag an icon off the Doc or toolbar.

The birthday celebration went on for weeks. It became the ritual I needed it to be.

There are people in my life that seem to know what to say and when to say it. Even when they are not present because of distance or circumstance, they still have the ability to touch my heart. So, I want to say how grateful I am for this insight and intuition and ability to be able to tune in and be present.

And I'm grateful, too, for all the healing that takes place in our hearts and minds and physical beings to make us and the world healthy, strong and humane.

As I was writing these words about embracing a wider perspective, an email arrived from a professional speaker colleague linking to a WSJ article mentioning Naikan.

The Buddhist practice of Naikan is a method of self-reflection which helps us understand ourselves, our relationships and the fundamental nature of human existence. Naikan translates to "inside looking" or "introspection."

Naikan reflection is based on three questions:

 - What have I received from ..........?
 - What have I given to ..........?
 - What troubles and difficulties have I caused ..........?

Hmmmm. That 'troubles and difficulties' part gives pause. Especially for some of us who are natural born shit-kickers.

Sometimes taking responsibility for our actions can be difficult . . .
If you want to understand more about Naikan, here's a link:
http://www.buildlife.org/cl/naikan.htm

Tips for Talking to the Turkeys at the Table

I usually give some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally when you are talking to the turkeys at the dinner table.
Here you go:
http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2007/11/thanksgiving-ga.html

For many of us, receiving appreciation isn't easy. Sometimes it  helps to have a reason. Thanks, Thanksgiving for providing a reason.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Your support, emails and phone calls mean a lot to me. I appreciate you. And I'm always grateful when you send me ideas to write about in this blog.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consultationservices visit:
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

The Horror of It All - Repercussions from Bullying

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Today I did an interview with Karen Walker-Tunoa promoting her book
on resilience, 'Getting Past Go.' It got me thinking about my
fragility - the opposite of resilience.

Karen knows me from our involvement with the National Speakers
Association. She says sees me as resilient and guesses I was
probably that way all my life.

Wrong. I tried to strangle myself in high school.

It took years as an adult to develop the ability to cope with
disappointments, stress and adversity.

That buoyancy did not come easily.

Maybe I had the 'makings' of resilience. But in my childhood, teen
or young adult years, I surely did not have the ability to bounce
back. I took just about everything personally.

The evening I tried to strangle myself, I passed out and released
my grip. I can appreciate the ridiculousness of that image now,
but it sure wasn't funny at the time.

I was targeted a lot in school and on the playground. I didn't know what to do.
My mother was dead. My father traveled in
his job. I was afraid to talk to our caretaker because she used to
bully me too. My brother, Lee, was too young to burden. I was
miserable.

I felt so alone.

Of course what I experienced then was nothing compared to how
difficult it is for teens now. The easy availability of the web and
social media make everything much more complicated.

Back then the attacks, taunts and accusations were not broadcast
for all to see.

The coloration of bullying has surely changed. Now it's more
extreme, more humiliating . . . and more public.

In my teen years, there was no such thing as cyber-bullying or
MySpace or Facebook or the sexting of suggestive photos. If there
had been, I don't believe I could have endured it. 

Cyber-bullying is easy and anonymous. And once the words or photos
are online, it's tempting for the bullied teen to re-visit the
site, each time, becoming more shamed, mortified and depressed.

A Chilling Year of Consequences from Bullying

And what a chilling year of consequences this has been.

Some of you know that over the last four years in this
e-letter/blog I've written many times on bullying: childhood
bullying workplace bullying and relationship bullying.

If you'd like to read more, here's a link to specific entries on
bullying:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/bullying/

Since my last post on the subject over a year ago, something
horrific has been happening. There have been dozens of teen and
young adult suicides resulting from mean-spirited taunts,
harassment and personal attacks. The awfulness of it takes my
breath away.

These frightening acts and needless deaths really touch me. I'd
like to share some of my thoughts with you.

I find myself dealing with three powerful sets of feelings: 
First, recognition of the torment these teens must have endured
that they choose death over living with the pain.Then there's my
compassion for the suffering of the families and friends. And
finally, I'm all too aware of my own pain as memories come flooding
back of the times I experienced similar rejecting behavior.

Painful Memories Come Flooding Back

Each time I hear about these bullying episodes, my own teen years
reappear in living color. I hated the ridiculing, taunts and
harassment.  Yes, I took it personally. 

Try as I might, it's a struggle to be forgiving or understanding. To
this day, I resent the bullies who made my life so miserable.

There were times I felt I couldn't withstand another day of it.
Back then, I didn't understand that none of it was about my
behavior or my personality. Now I can see how the teasing and
ridiculing was really about things out of my control: How I
happened to be built. My religion. Being shorter then everyone else.

Looking back, what then seemed like incredibly hurtful taunts seem
pretty lightweight now. How on earth would I have coped back then
with the complexities of what kids now are going through.

Teen years are turbulent. Social pressures are intense. Hormones
rage, Super-sensitivity abounds, Just about everything seems like a
personal affront. And things can easily spiral out of control.

If only young people today understood what most of us come to know
as we grow up: That things can and do get better.

My book on rejection, 'Don't Take It Personally' is in many middle
and high school libraries around the country. Mostly because of the chapter
on Peer Rejection and Resilience.

I write: "Occurrences like these can seem overwhelming, because
the teens haven't yet accumulated the life experience that teaches
them things do get better, that it's not the end of the world. The
best thing about adolescence is that it's time limited. How I
wish these teens could believe that." 

And how I wish they could be with us today.

Like the seven students in Minnesota's Anoka-Hennepin School
District who have killed themselves during the past year.

And
Hope Witsell, Florida, 13, in September 2009
Phoebe Prince, Massachusetts, 15, in January 2020
Jon Carmichael, Texas,. 13, March, 2010.
Seth Walsh, California, 13, September 2010
Billy Lucas, Indiana, 13 September, 2010
Asher Brown, 13, Texas,  September 2010
Tyler Clementi, 18, Rutgers student, September,2010
There are probably others, too.

These teens are dead because they were perceived as too flirty or
nerdy or short or gay or different. And they were relentlessly
taunted.

It's reported that teen suicide was the 3rd leading cause of death
among young adults and adolescents 15 to 24 years of age, Another
unsettling report: In this country, a teen takes his or her own
life every 100 minutes,

And the Tears Come

Sometimes it surprises me when how easily tears come. It happens
when I hear about yet another young person killing themselves after
being subjected to ridicule and harassment. There are just too many
shocking stories of needless deaths.

It isn't so easy to push the old pain back into the box these days.
It swirls around me, creeping into my consciousness. There is a
young person's voice calling out to be compassionate and
understanding. I recognize that young voice as mine.

On the subject of the pain and repercussions from bullying, Ft.
Worth, Texas city councilman Joel Burns' "It Gets Better" says it so
poignantly. Perhaps you've already seen it. I've viewed this video
4 or 5 times now.

Joel Burns and others who are offering the "It Gets Better" message,
 surely are modeling resilience.

I hope you'll watch. I'd  love to know your thoughts. You can use 
the comment section of my blog:

http://www.TipsFromTheQueenOfRejection.com

or contact me by email, elayne@QueenofRejection.com

Here's the link to Joel Burn's powerful statement:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax96cghOnY4

And, once again the Southern Poverty Law Center is way ahead of the pack in addressing this crucial problem.  Here's the link to an excellent Teaching Tolerance film which, by the way, is FREE to schools:

http://www.tolerance.org/bullied

And by the way, here's the link to my interview about resilience for 'Getting Past Go' -

http://formaximumperformance.com/interviews-2/

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

What's Going to Happen to Me? Facing and Overcoming Fear

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Fear is in the air and it’s contagious. Like a bad cold or a mean flu.

Fear can be debilitating. The worry, apprehension and anxiety brings on a stuck place, a kind of paralysis.
 
It’s difficult to think clearly or act decisively. And to complicate matters, it’s hard to escape the hourly fueling and fanning of fear by the media and politicians.
 
There is something else in the air as well - helplessness and uncertainty. When these powerful, responses are rooted in early experiences, a child-like fright can take over. We start re-experiencing those times when we were young and terrified and helpless. Like waking up from a bad nightmare.
 
And a small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Let’s put this overwhelm in perspective:
How you are affected by outside events
Why you are debilitated to this degree
What steps you can take to overcome the fear
 
Looking at Loss
As a workplace coach and family therapist, each day brings more stories about the economy’s impact on us. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are incredibly strained.
 
People feel helpless, insecure and frightened.
 
The connecting theme in these experiences is Loss. Losing a job not only means loss of income. It brings along loss of routine, loss of independence, loss of respect, and loss of identity. Losing a home or savings fosters loss of security and loss of well-being and loss of a dream. And for some, the loss of hope.
 
And the small voice asks, “What’s going to happen to me?”
 
Facing and navigating loss is even more complicated when it reminds you of painful losses from early years. A pet dies. A childhood friend moves away. You move away – to another school across town or across the country. An older brother or sister goes off to college, leaving a void in your world.
 
Early loss takes other forms as well. Separation or divorce. Serious illness. Someone you love dies.
 
Any of these losses can feel like abandonment. And abandonment is the most profound rejection of all.
 
Our cumulative experiences affect how we cope with present day losses.
Each new loss in the present can bring up losses from the past. Even though they seem long ago and forgotten, they still pack a wallop.
 
Disappointments
Disappointments are loss, too. Most of us as children felt disappointed in someone or something.
 
Maybe someone made a promise they didn’t keep. Or you didn’t get that special present. Or you had your hopes pinned on an ‘A.’ Or you found out you couldn’t count on someone you trusted.
 
As we grow up each new disappointment reminds us of past experiences. Who hasn’t believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking? Or put someone on a pedestal, only to watch them stumble and tumble?
 
There’s a fine line between hopeful positive thinking and unrealistic expectations. Reality can be a hard landing place.
 
Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. And when we’re too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.
 
That’s when disappointment feels like rejection.
 
Loss Of Trust
Have you ever struggled with loss of trust, Including powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal? Can you see how losing a job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? When your employer promises security and you trust this, it feels like a betrayal when the job evaporates.
 
The extent of your reaction to loss of a job or a promised project might be influenced by your past experiences with trust, unfairness, disloyalty or betrayal.
 
Trust is fragile. When it is violated, it is difficult to restore.
 
Loss of Identity
Layoffs and forced early retirement are common occurrences these days. These sudden shifts in structured time leave large holes in normal routines. We feel lost.
 
Losing employment can bring on loss of identity. Work is a touchstone for how you think of yourself. Losing this identity throws you off-kilter. How to fill this void creates quite a challenge.
 
Loss Feels Like Rejection
Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling “dissed” in some way: disrespected, dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, disenfranchised or dishonored.
 
When you feel wounded at such a deep place, it’s hard not to take the hurt personally.
 
When we take something personally, we see ourselves as a target, perceiving someone’s actions as a personal affront. We feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. Then we begin to question our self-worth and go to a self-rejecting place. All too often we give up our power to the person or situation that causes us to feel hurt.
 
Each of these losses incubates fear and apprehension. What a lonely feeling fear can be. You may want to retreat, lick your wounds and suffer in silence. You might find it difficult to reach out and connect to others. And yet, reaching out and building relationships is one of the best ways to take care of yourself at times like these.
 
Reaching Out
Can you talk to a partner or friend? A spiritual leader or teacher? What about a counselor, coach or psychotherapist? Social networking or on-line forums can work, too.
 
Can you put words to your worries and fears? Write them down, and then read them out loud. At least to yourself. Hearing the sound of the words makes a difference.
 
If we don’t talk out our feelings, we act them out.
 
Acting Out
Acting out is a common way of releasing tension. It can take many forms. We're seeing a lot of anger lately. Protests, picking fights, flying into rages, antagonizing and bullying.

Some people act out by engaging in excessive behaviors - including addictive.
 
But acting out can be passive as well: foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, or giving someone the silent treatment.
 
These behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety and pressure that build when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.
 
Respecting Different Coping Styles
Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea - when it works. What if you try to talk but you are disappointed by the other person’s response? What if you don’t feel heard or understood or supported?
 
We all have different styles of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn these coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural growing up experiences.
 
It’s not surprising we all have different ways of coping. After all, we grew up in different families!
 
These family ‘ways’ are passed down through the generations. As I point out in Don’t Take It Personally!, “Grandma passes down more than just her china.”
 
Unspoken fears get passed down from generation to generation as well. Chances are most of our great grandparents experienced fears around scarcity, impoverishment and loss when they immigrated to this country. These fears may have been passed along through the generations - to us.
 
Now that we are going through hard times ourselves, these heretofore dormant fears are jumping out. Scaring us. Throwing us way off-kilter.
 
Different Ways of Coping
• One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.
 
• Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.
 
• Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it’s hard to listen anymore.
 
If either of you feels discounted, you’re most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Unless you can respect each other’s styles, misunderstandings can occur. The resulting hurt feelings lead to anger and resentment.
 
Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there’s barely room for connection. Especially in these stressful times, feeling connected is important.
 
Tips for Coping with Fear
• Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the ‘fear bait’ dished out by the media and politicians.
 
• Give your worst fear a name. Say it out loud. Talk it out. Hearing yourself say what you fear most can work wonders in refocusing your perspective.
 
• ‘Walk alongside yourself.’ With this mindfulness you’ll gain enough distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the  “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.
 
• This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response. Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Try not to compare.
 
• Make a plan. It provides structure, direction and reassurance.
 
• Try not to take disappointment personally. It’s an energy zapper. Even though disappointment might feel like rejection, remind yourself, “This is not about me. I can choose how much energy I give to this.”
 
Unblocking Your Energy
When you’re feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to remember to move.
 
Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing.
 
Breathing In the Colors
Whenever  I find myself in a negative space, I do whatever it takes to get my energy flowing. I especially like to take a walk. Releasing those endorphins increases my feeling of well-being. While I’m walking, I breathe in the colors around me; the sky, trees, plants, flowers, structures. This keeps me present, grounded and appreciative of my world.
 
By creating options and getting the energy flowing, you won’t feel so stuck. You can tap your power and develop momentum for growing into self-acceptance and creativity.
 
Then ask yourself, “What‘s going to happen FOR me?”

 © Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne
 

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more abouther speaking programs, coaching and consulting services visit

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

 

Outraged, Enraged, Air Raged

by Elayne Savage, PhD

I sure can relate to the Jet Blue flight attendant who 'had it' 
with abusive passengers and exited with dramatic style.

Did it strike a chord with you, too? Have you ever had
fantasies about saying "You can take this job and shove it.
I'm outta here?"

And for some folks, he became an instant hero. I'd love to
hear your thoughts and experiences about this saga.

You know the story: Flight attendant Steven Slater was
reportedly involved in an altercation with a passenger. She
apparently cussed him out with a couple of F word expletives.

Slater, a 20 year veteran of dealing with disruptive passengers,
snapped.

Reports say he announced on the intercom: "Those of you who
have shown dignity and respect these last 20 years, thanks for a
great ride." Then he grabbed a beer from the galley, deployed the
plane's inflatable emergency chute, and along with his luggage,
slid to the tarmac. And what a dramatic exit it was!

Later he was arrested and charged with "criminal mischief,
reckless endangerment, and criminal trespass."

Wow. So many rejection and taking things personally aspects
of this story - where to begin? Let's concentrate on two:
Overreactions in the Workplace and The Psychology of Air Rage.

Over-the-top Overreactions in the Workplace
Over-the-top comments, looks, tones of voice or dismissive acts
feel like rejection and  we take them personally. It can be
devastating when we overreact in public work situations.
In spite of our good intentions and all of our customer service
and anger management training, sometimes someone crosses
the line. Something gets triggered and we have a meltdown.

It has happened to me . . .

When I was  working in San Francisco Child Protective Services,
performance was evaluated on a bell-shaped curve. Ratings out of
the middle range required written justification meaning more work
for the supervisor. Many were not willing to put in the extra
effort. Often our strengths were not acknowledged. We were not
validated for performing difficult and often dangerous work.

The job evaluation procedure was dismissive and rejecting.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, it feels like rejection.

I got very angry that Evaluation Day. I left my supervisor's
office, grabbed a large box of paper clips from the supply shelf,
and threw them at the nearest wall. It was exhilarating, and it 
made a big mess.

I sure was enraged.

Rage is Anger with a History
Rage is beyond the experience of anger. Where anger reflects
something happening in the present, rage reflects overwhelming
feelings from the past.

I see rage is ‘anger with a history.’

Rage is usually connected with our early life experiences. An
event may be distressing in the present, but it can set off an
out-of-control reaction when it reminds us of painful or traumatic
experiences.

Let's look at these spring-loaded actions as metaphors for early
injustices: feeling “cut off,” “squeezed out,” “kept waiting,”
“pushed around,” “bumped,” “edged out” or “trapped.”

When a similar experience is recreated in the present, we find
ourselves re-experiencing old feelings and becoming enraged.

Outraged, Enraged and Air Raged
Air rage boils down to someone taking something personally.

Like road rage, air rage is an out of control reaction to feeling
wronged, slighted, or intruded upon. When someone invades
our personal space, we feel  disrespected.  We take it personally.

We become outraged and enraged. 

Feeling “dissed” takes a multitude of forms. Certainly it means
feeling disrespected. However, there are dozens of “diss”
words which translate into perceived rejection.

Consider the complex emotions arising from feeling disrespected,
dismissed, or disregarded What about disposable, dishonored, or
disenfranchised?

Cut Off, Squeezed Out, Kept Waiting, Pushed Around, Bumped,
Edged Out, Feeling Trapped.
By recognizing these metaphors we can better understand the
phenomenon of air age.

Kept waiting through countless lines and delays. Bumped in line by
another passenger. Jostled as you board  the plane. Pushed around
by airline personnel."Ignored' by a flight attendant who forgets to
take your order. Trapped on a crowded plane - especially when
another passenger is taking up too much physical or emotional space.

Did you ever feel pushed or bumped or ignored or trapped when you
were a kid? How did you handle it? Did you get angry? Did you lose
control?

These experiences can be unsettling. Emotions flood. You can’t sort
out your feelings. Before you know it, you’re behaving badly. You
usually see yourself as kind and considerate.  How can you be
behaving so outrageously now? How can this be happening?

The exchange of behavior between the passenger and the flight
attendant on this Jet Blue flight was reportedly laden with
reciprocal incivility and disrespect.

Is this ignoble behavior a reflection of the outrageous times in
which we live?

There is certainly a lot of rage and fear and anxiety out there
these days. Even the “usually nice” ones among us find ourselves
behaving badly some of the time.

Feeling Trapped
Let's look at the  'feeling trapped' metaphor. It's easy to feel
that way cooped up in a plane. There's another element here as
well:  Some of us grew up feeling trapped. Especially if we had to
deal with confusing messages in our family. And we couldn't
comment or leave the scene.

I describe this trapped feeling in 'Don't Take It Personally! The
Art of Dealing with Rejection:'

"Children feel especially helpless and confused if they grow up in
a double-bind family where there are two conflicting messages
given(often one is verbal and one is covert). They are expected to
obey both messages . . . . They have no way to comment on the
confusion or to leave the scene (except perhaps by spacing out). It
seems they have no options; they feel bound up, trapped. It’s a
no-win,damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t situation . . . .
Struggling to make choices in no-win situations in childhood can
lead to overwhelming anxiety that may resurface in adulthood."

I wonder how many flight attendants feel trapped - discouraged from
commenting and generally unable to 'leave the scene.' How many
fantasize about making A Great Escape? Perhaps a parachute? Or the
escape chute?

It surely was Steven Slater's fantasy. I watched him say, "For 20
years I thought about it!"

Complicated by Fear and Anxiety
And of course fear and anxiety complicate matters. For passengers
it may be the fear of flying, scary turbulence, stress, worrying
about a personal situation or about missing a connection. Fight
attendants have many of the same concerns and emotions.

Here's how fear and anxiety relate to disruptive behavior:
When we are anxious about something and unable to put words to it,
it can overflow into disruptive behavior. The anxiety has to go
somewhere. If we can't talk it out we often act it out.

And when Steven Slater took something personally and overreacted,
he chose an unusual way to act out his feelings and his fantasy.
Leaving the scene by sliding down an inflatable escape chute.  

Here are some tips for how not to take things personally:
•  Remind yourself: it’s more about the other person than it is
about you.

•  Don't presume – check things out.

•  Put yourself in the other person's shoes. How might they be
feeling?

•  Remember: you DO have choices.- even though in the heat of the
incident, it sometimes feels like you don’t.

•  Even though you find yourself walking down that old path of
overreacting, notice what's happening. Remind yourself you can
always back up to the fork in the road and walk down a different
path. I call this 'walking alongside yourself.'

•  If you are being raged at don’t bite the bait, don’t engage. A
confrontation is only going to be a lose-lose situation for you.
And you might get hurt.

•  Put the incident in perspective by remembering the metaphor
theory. Remind yourself that old feelings could be recreated in
this incident.

•  Take a breather. Ten slow breaths can work wonders to reduce
stress.

•  Most importantly, don’t take it personally! Chances are the
other persons inconsiderate behavior or careless mistakes are not
really directed at you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professionalspeaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consullting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

The Clinton-Mezvinsky Wedding - Not Making the Cut

by Elayne Savage

I wasn't invited to the Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding. And I'm not taking it personally!

My high school friend Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky's son, Marc, is marrying Chelsea Clinton. A couple of days ago, I gave up on getting an invitation. Oh well.

Did you read the NY Times piece about the many disappointed folks who didn't make the cut? Their comments could have jumped from the pages of my book 'Don't Take It Personally!' Especially remarks about feeling "not good enough" and "left out." And descriptions of hard feelings," "feeling bad," and "noses out of joint."

Disappointment in not making the cut

Have you ever been terribly disappointed at not being invited to a wedding or other special event? Or if invited, have you been upset when you are not seated at a special table? Or if you are not being asked to be included in photos?

It's easy to get our noses out of joint, isn't it?

I've heard hundreds of stories from clients struggling with left out feelings. And I've had a few experiences myself.

Disappointments Feel Like Rejection

Disappointments like these feel like rejection. And we tend to dwell anthem - maybe for hours or even days. Then it turns into self-rejection. We start feeling bad about ourselves,. "Not good enough" messages begin to take over.

It helps to put disappointment in perspective. To step back enough nag not get swept up in the bad feelings.  It also helps to be aware that any new disappointment includes a stockpiling of all our old disappointments. Not making the cut for a wedding  recalls other times when we felt left out or snubbed or slighted.

Stay realistic, keep your perspective and don't take it personally!

It helps to be realistic about our expectations.

There are many times when I  have not been invited to a wedding. Yes, sometimes I get disappointed and hurt. Then with some reflection,I realize it just might be because I hardly know either of the two people getting married.

These days the couple often takes charge of planning food, entertainment and the guest list. There have been times when I'm friendly with the parents, but barely know the couple. Sure I would love to be invited, especially if it is a prestige event. 

Realistically, however, I really can't expect an invitation. Especially when the venue has limited seating.

When I think of the times my hurt feelings have complicated my business or personal interactions with these folks, I sure wish I'd handled it differently.

And of course, it helps when I remind myself that the best thing about not getting invited is I don't have to worry what to wear or what gift to send!

In the case of the Clinton-Mezvinsky wedding, many of the disappointed folks are likely social or political friends of both sets of parents. Most probably don't have direct connection with the couple. Four hundred or so attendees really means 200 invitations, when you consider many invitees are couples.

The wedding media speculation has been entertaining.. And it's been especially fun to hear so much about the mother of the groom, my high school friend, Marjorie.

Marjorie Margolies Mezvinsky's big heart

Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky has been a model of graciousness for me ever since we were classmates at Forest Park High School in Baltimore.

I haven't seen her since graduation, except on network TV when she was a journalist.
We've had some occasional contact over the years. Each time we reconnect, I am aware of her warmth and big heart. And with each contact, I'm reminded of her original graciousness to me in high school.

Marjorie was cheerleading captain. I had just moved to Baltimore in my senior year after my dad remarried. I had to give up being squad captain in Omaha, and was pretty depressed about the move. Changing schools, making new friends and adjusting to a step-family was taking a big toll on me.

Marjorie gracefully agreed to let me join the squad. What a life-saver this turned out to be. A built-in identity for a 'lost soul.' Inclusion in the cheerleading squad helped make an unpleasant time, a little easier. And I'm grateful.

An item about this story is in Leah Garchik's column in the San Francisco Chronicle. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/07/25/DDHQ1EHBAO.DTL

Many years later, Marjorie's graciousness surfaced again. She became my 'cheerleader" when I was writing 'Don't Take It Personally!' As a published author she could give me some terrific tips. 

I decided right then to take big-hearted lessons from Marjorie Margolies-Mezvinsky.

And what a model she is! Marjorie's big heart was evident when she became the first single woman to adopt a foreign child, a Korean girl, and shortly after, a Vietnamese girl. After she married, there were his four children, and two they had together. Then they adopted three more Vietnamese children.They raised 11 children. Wow.

And I respect Marjorie's courage in voting her conscience when she was in the House of Representatives in the 90's. Hers was the deciding vote for President Clinton's budget plan. And in her Republican district, her vote cost her the next election.

Marjorie is a class act. I'm sure the wedding will be just as classy. Sorry I'll be missing it. According to the NY Times piece, all the uninviteds are saying, "it's no biggy."

And I'm sure not taking it personally!

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Feeling Dissed at Work? Here's How to Bounce Back

by Elayne Savage, PhD

Maybe you were recently dissed in a meeting or by a
colleague in the workplace.

Maybe the affront takes the form of a mean-spirited remark. Or unreasonable demands on your time. Or the condescending attitude of your boss. Or someone playing favorites. Or a snarky coworker. Or a back-stabbing-idea-stealing team member.

What do you do? Do you resign your self to silence? Do you
speak up? Do you go along to get along?

It's usually difficult to decide how to respond. Even more these
days with so much at stake in the workplace. And in these stressful
and difficult times, workplace dissing takes on a whole new
dimension.

Fear about job security  piles on yet another layer of anxiety
and stress.

I've been providing workplace coaching on disappointment,
rejection and taking things personally for over 25 years. I've
heard hundreds of stories.

Yet, I've never seen fear about recriminations so rampant.

"What if I get fired?"
"What if I don't get that project they promised?"
"What if they don't like me anymore?"

Stress and anxiety are easily passed from one person to another.
You don't even know you caught a dose of it until it starts weighing
you down. When folks around you are stressed and anxious they
might unload on you.

Anxieties need somewhere to go. When we cannot talk them
out, we tend to act them out - often on other people.

You probably have your own 'hot spot' that causes you distress.
Something happens that feels disrespectful and it starts festering.
Before you know it, you're dwelling on it - for hours, or days
or even weeks. How long does it take before it interferes with your
focus, your concentration and your productivity?

And the stress keeps building . . .

These days more than ever folks are contacting me for consultation on coping with rejection, slights, and condescending attitudes. Sometimes it's stinging words. Sometimes it's more subtle - a look or tone of voice that sends reverberations.

These days there's even more of a tendency to 'go along to
get along.' You are afraid to speak up. Afraid you might be
sorry for taking care of  yourself.

It's true some folks take things more personally than
others. They tend to fill in the blanks with what they
presume is meant by someone's actions or inactions.

Rather than fill in those blanks with your own explanation
of what someone might have meant, check out with that
person what was actually said and what was intended.

Here's how:

"This is what I heard you say."
"Is it what you said?"
"Is it what you meant?"

Below are typical stories I hear these days/

He can't say 'no'

Jonathan is distressed because he feels taken advantage of
at work. He feels trapped and can't see any way out.

Because it's important to him to impress his 'higher ups, he
can't say 'no' when someone requests he take on more work.

Talk about stress! He's been coming in early and leaving
late. And yes, working over lunch as well. Jonathan is a very
unhappy guy these days and his emotional and physical health
are being compromised.

Jonathan has never felt so stuck in his life. Yet he's afraid to 
speak up for fear he'll evoke displeasure or even lose his job.
His 'good boy' reputation - respectful, considerate and
accommodating - means a lot to him.

So what can Jonathan do to take better care of himself?
How can he find a way to get up the courage to say "no?"

We talked about some phrases he might experiment with:
"I cannot do everything you ask, but this is what I can do."
OR
"You've asked me to do _________.
And you've asked me to do _________.
Which would you prefer I do first?"

Both choices are respectful and considerate, which is exactly
how he wants to be regarded. He really has nothing to lose.
Except the 'accommodating' part which gets him into trouble.

Left out and left hanging

Stephanie has a different sort of problem. She feels her
boss regularly shows favoritism to a her team leader.
During meetings, as the rapport grows between the other
two, Stephanie finds herself ''shutting down and disappearing."
"I lose my voice, and begin doubting my self."

To make matters worse, one day the team leader surprised
Stephanie by finding fault with Stephanie's report. It was the
section that would have given more responsibility and creativity 
went along with the criticism. What a backstab this was. It really hurt!

Myriad feelings might surface in situations like this: feeling left
out, betrayed, angry. Old sibling rivalries or middle
school peer rejection might spring up.

In this workplace situation, Stephanie might say to her coworker:
"I was under the impression you were in support of my ideas. I'm
confused as to why you changed your mind about this section
of the report. Perhaps you can help me understand your rational."

Maybe there is a reasonable explanation that Stephanie
can learn from for the future. If not, perhaps Stephanie can
convince her team leader to approach the boss together about
reconsidering the idea.

Have these kinds of situations occurred in your experience?
How can you feel less victimized by circumstances?
How can you empower yourself in what often feels like
a hopeless situation?
How can you feel like you have choices in the situation?
How can you stay centered and maintain your confidence?

I'd love to hear your experiences and ideas.

It's probably not about you

It helps to keep repeating "It's most likely not about me." Remind yourself when people treat people badly, it's often because they are stressed and anxious.

If a stressed out coworker is feeling anxious or fearful,  they most likely try hard to control this anxiety. Usually folks do this by trying to control their world. Trouble is, there are people in their world who are feeling controlled by them. And it feels pretty yucky.

Sure you can take it personally. That's one option. But chances are it's really not about YOU. Chances are it's about the other person's need to feel less anxious. So
another option is to put yourself in their shoes and try to
understand how they may be feeling.

Understanding reciprocity

Understanding the concept of reciprocity helps you
navigate these energy draining negative experiences.
Reciprocity relates to how each person's behavior affects
and is affected by the behavior of the other.

It means taking a good look at how both of you participate
in and contribute to the flow of any interaction. In both
negative and positive ways.

In other words, what someone thinks you think about them is
how they are going to respond to you.

With this in mind, let's look at how you can act to moderate negative message flow when it feels dismissive and rejecting. And how you can enhance positive message flow that feels validating and respectful.
 
Consider how respect is the key to effective teamwork.

Trouble is, it can be a struggle to accept someone's
style of doing things when it's different from your own.

We all have different styles of thinking, communicating,
doing, creating and being. We each learn these 'ways' in
our families, through cultural influences going back many
generations  — attitudes, beliefs, rules, values, and
expectations.

These family messages are passed down from generation
to generation.

So in any team meeting, you have quite a few more folks then
the group around the conference table. You have a roomful of
family members — both dead and alive — hovering around.
Each is clamoring to get their point of view across. Parents,
grandparents, step parents, aunts, uncles. Oh my.

Notice how 'crowded' the room is. See how many differences
of style are represented. Remember what we call a 'personality
conflict' is usually a style incompatibility.Understand how many
people might be taking something personally at any given time.

Is it any wonder team meetings can be so overwhelming?

We often feel uncomfortable or even threatened by differences
in thinking and doing. And our discomfort shows on our face,
especially if the other person is prone to reading expressions.
And they are most likely 'filling in the blanks' trying to figure out
what we are thinking about them. Not a good situation.

Here is a terrific way to regain mutual respect and get things back
on track. And it works both inside and outside the workplace:

Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about
the annoying person. It could be a certain skill, sense of humor,
color of shirt, or hairstyle. During any interaction with them
concentrate on that positive feature.

When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, they are more
likely to respond positively to you. Give it a try.

And it's oh-so-empowering when it works!

Let me know.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  
 REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Traveling Back in Time - From Self-Rejection to Self-Acceptance

Elayne Savage, PhD

Sometimes we have the opportunity to revisit the
past, and look at ourselves through a new lens. If we're

lucky we can use the experience as a marker to appreciate

ourselves in a fresh way and see how far we've come.

In my case, I got to discard the old rejection filter.

Recently I  spoke at an event at the University of Alabama,
my undergraduate alma mater. This is only my second
trip back since graduation. My last visit was 20 years
ago.

This time I returned as a grownup.

It's not easy to go back to old venues. The insecurities of
the past come flooding back. All the self-doubts, the
fear of rejection, the negative self-talk . . . and the feelings
of vulnerability.

What a mess I was when I arrived as a Freshman on the
Bama campus. I was confused and dazed from recent
events in my life.

Just a few years earlier, my mother and grandmother had
died in a plane crash. Then my father remarried and we
moved from Omaha to Baltimore. What a culture shock
that was! And how resentful I was that I had to start over
in a new town my senior year of high school.

Not Fitting In
I felt 'different' from my peers. Like I didn't fit in. And truth be
told, I probably seemed a little odd. And what could I have
been thinking to attend a Southern school when feeling
'different' and left out was my big issue?

I didn't talk about my growing up experiences to anyone.

A few folks intuitively made attempts to bestow kindnesses.
However, I had trouble accepting their efforts and often
pushed away.

One of the bestowers was John L. Blackburn. He was the
Dean of Men when I was a co-ed. He was understanding,
caring and patient. I sure needed those kindnesses. In my
eventual role as a student leader and Business Manager
of the Mahout humor magazine, I got to know him. pretty
well over the years.

And he made an effort to know me. When I got into trouble or
needed a rule bent a bit, I'd be knocking on his office door.
John L. would run interference for me with the Dean of
Women's office. I guess you could say he was my 'go-to' guy.

Not without a price, however. John L. tried his best to keep me
out of trouble with quite a few stern but kindly talkings-to.

In those days, there were countless rules -  just waiting
to be broken:
- Alcoholic drinks  had to be in
  'unrevealing containers.' 
- Coeds were to wear  raincoats on
  campus to conceal jeans or shorts.
- Co-eds couldn't walk up the steep steps
  of the Student Union if wearing skirts.
- There was a 10 pm weekday curfew:

   "Sign out, Sign In, where you goin'?

   Where you been?"
 
After I graduated and moved to California, John L. would say to
me: "If you get back here, I'd like to have a little get-together for
you." So I'm thinking he meant a backyard barbecue in
Tuscaloosa.

That's not what he had in mind.

I did get back to Alabama in 1990. He hosted a banquet style
dinner at The Club in Birmingham. It  wasn't  a barbecue  at all.
It was more like a ROAST.They took turns telling stories on me.
It was an embarrassingly sweet and special evening.

John L. was my go-to guy several times over the years. He wrote
reference letters for my early job searches. He arranged to have
Forrest Gump (via Winston Groom) write a book jacket blurb for

my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with

Rejection.'

There was no doubt whatsoever that I would make this trip to the
University to speak at the celebration of John L's life after he died.

I felt so honored to be on the program. There were 250 people
in the audience paying tribute to his accomplishments: as the
person credited with making sure the 'school house door'
stayed open and welcoming in the summer of 1963, as Dean
of Men, and as Vice President for Educational Development.
His legacy lives on with the establishment of the Blackburn
Institute, a leadership development program on the Alabama
campus. Mostly, though he was remembered as  a person of
great kindness and compassion.

I only wish our contacts over the years hadn't been so infrequent.
 Sometimes way too many years went by.

Revisiting Old Haunts and Old Feelings
What an amazing experience to walk around campus,
remembering the bittersweetness of those days so many
years ago.

When I was a student, my sensitivity to 'being different' caused
me to feel left out and less-than. Too often this contributed to
overwhelming perceptions of rejection. Yep, my self-esteem
was pretty low.

What an emotionally corrective experience to return as a
professional grownup, making a valuable contribution to the
event.

How refreshing to return to the campus and be treated with
respect and acceptance. I had such gracious escorts during
my stay in Tuscaloosa and in Birmingham. It was especially

rewarding to reconnect with John L.'s  wife, Gloria Blackburn,

and be told I "held a special place in his heart."

And I was able to take it all in and accept it, instead of pushing
it away. I guess I was finally able to ditch that old rejection filter.

In the acknowledgments for 'Don't Take It Personally!' I thanked
John L. for his encouragement and for  "figuring sooner or later
I’d grow into my capabilities."
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

I hope John L. took that thank you in. I guess you can tell, he
holds a special place in my heart too.

Isn't it wonderful how some people touch our lives only briefly or
sporadically, yet they become part of our soul.
© Elayne Savage, PhD
 

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Held Hostage by Sears

 Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes me crazy to be at the mercy of delivery or repair people. To wait around all day for someone to show up.

My dryer died. My regular appliance store wanted $100 to deliver, install and haul away. That seemed excessive. Someone told me Sears offers a rebate and has a pretty painless delivery operation.

Wrong. The Sears experience has been a nightmare.

It took at least 6 tries at scheduling and 4 delivery attempts before I had my new dryer. You may be familiar with the routine. You receive an automated call the evening before providing a two-hour window for the following day. If the time doesn't work, you call back and request another day. Once again you wait until the night before to learn the new delivery time.

I can clear part of my day, but not all of it. I'd request a morning appointment, and get an afternoon time slot. When I tried asking for an afternoon time, a morning delivery was scheduled.

The first attempt seemed like a snap. The phone call came in the night before as promised. The two-hour window they gave me worked out perfectly. The delivery team showed up within the specified time window.

How easy is this? Except the delivery guy won't install the dryer. He says the gas valve is too tight to turn. He doesn't want to force it. He tells me to call a plumber.

The order is canceled. Talk about disappointment!

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

As long as I'm reordering, I decide to order a slightly larger dryer. I measure the doorway carefully. The salesman promises it will work.

Again I go through the procedure with the automated call and the two-hour window. This time it takes a few tries to schedule the delivery.

The Confrontation

The delivery guy shows up exactly within the promised two-hour time frame. Except he refuses to take the dryer through the doorway. He argues with me that it is 29 inches wide, even though the online dimensions (and salesman) say it is 28.

There is a second, wider door to my laundry area, but he also refuses to bring it through that one. It seems like he doesn’t want to be bothered. Grrrrrrr. I feel like I have no control over the situation. By now I'm sounding a bit testy.

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

I order the smaller one even though it is not the dryer I really want. Again we go through the phone call/two hour window routine a couple of times.

A Scary Experience

 I could feel my face drop when the same delivery guy that refused to bring the last dryer through my doorway shows up.

He asks me to go down the block where the truck is parked to "make sure it's the right dryer."  Seems kind of weird to me that he was making this request.

Seems even weirder when he comments about my 'nice house.' In fact it pretty much freaked me out when I realized I recognized the number when he called me a few minutes earlier to check if I was home. There had been two or three early am and late night hang-ups with this same number showing on my caller ID.

We walk over to the truck. The dryer is in the cardboard box. He pulls down the back box panel and asks, "Is this the flat back model you ordered?"  Yes. It is.

Then he moves around to the side panel. Before he even pulls it down, he exclaims, "Oh! it's damaged." And indeed there is a huge dent in the side. Hmmmmm.

How did he know it is damaged before he sees it? The other two delivery guys just stand there staring at their feet.

I tell him I want it installed anyway, knowing I'd have time under warranty to replace it. He refuses to bring it into the house. I am way past testy this time. I lose my temper.

Back to Sears goes my dryer.

When I order a replacement dryer I'm told the delivery guy reported I had refused delivery on the dented one.

Complain Instead of Compliance

I call Customer Service. They explain these delivery people do not work for Sears even though they drive Sears trucks and wear Sears uniforms. They are contracted.

The rep suggests a different delivery team the next time. She connects me to an administrative complaint person. He says the dryer should have been installed when I made that request. I have 45 days to return it if it is damaged. He is writing it up to "send up to corporate."

The re-ordered dryer takes a couple of reschedules and two more days to be delivered. This time the delivery guy and his team are terrific. He also answers some questions for me. He measures my doorway and says there is enough room for clearance. It's tight but he would have installed the wider dryer. He also says the only time he asks a customer to walk over to the truck is if he knows an appliance is damaged.

So after 2 ½ weeks I have my new dryer. And I am so relieved to be done dealing with Sears. 

Premature. Turns out the replacement dryer reorder activated a new charge on my Visa bill. I notice the refund is $110 short. I have to make another phone call to Sears. They insist they refunded the full amount. They insist it must be a restock charge, which could only be requested by the delivery company!  After several phone calls it is finally refunded.

It has been quite a struggle not to take all of this personally.

I really hate feeling at the mercy of delivery or repair people. Just a few months ago I waited on two different days for Comcast to show up and change my non-functioning modem. I waited and waited. They never came on either of the scheduled days. I’m angry about that experience too. I had to keep reminding them they owed me $20 for each missed appointment. I'm sure the earlier experience with Comcast colored my reaction to the Sears drama.

 

How to Cope

So what might I have done differently in these frustrating situations?

- Not have unrealistic expectations that things will go smoothly. They probably won't.

-  Breathe. Count to 10. Breathe some more.

- Try to remember I don't have to take the word of a delivery or repairperson. I can I can ask them to call supervisor on their cell phone. Right then and there.

When I get caught in the tentacles of feeling 'done to' or manipulated or lied to, I can sometimes get angry, overreact and don't think clearly about what my options might be. Does this happen to you, too?

I'd love to hear your stories on how you experience and handle these situations . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

Relationship Spring Cleaning

By Elayne Savage, PhD

What better time than spring to clear out relationship clutter?

Why not toss things you've been stockpiling? You could chuck misunderstandings. Donate hurt feelings. And give anger and resentment the heave-ho.

Even small misunderstandings add up when they result in hurt feelings. Someone says or does something (or neglects to say or do something.) The other person takes it personally. Feelings get hurt. Anger takes over. And that sneaky, insidious resentment starts creeping into every nook and cranny of your relationship. Soon you find it is taking up so much space there's no room for connection and respect.

Your relationship gets de-railed.

This is what happens between Allison and Terry. Allison finds herself getting upset whenever Terry comes home later than agreed upon.

Allison's anxiety builds. By the time Terry walks through the door, she blasts all of her stockpiled fury at him. Right between the eyes. Then she recites a litany of all the times he has been late in the past.

Finally she gathers the courage to talk with Terry directly, honestly and sincerely. She tells him how hurt and disrespected she feels each time he is late. She tells him how hurtful it is each time he breaks his promise to her. And he listens.

Allison gets Terry to understand how she is a worrier. How whenever he is late she thinks the worst. She is able to tell him clearly and directly that she needs him to make every effort to show up when he said he will. And if he is occasionally delayed, she needs him to call her before the agreed upon time, so she does not worry.

This isn't an easy talk to have. By putting words to her feelings Allison begins the process of clearing out of all that built up resentment. And she discovers enough space opens up where she and Terry can bring respect and positive energy back into their relationship.

Does resentment take up space in your relationships? How much time do  you spend dwelling on hurt feelings and disappointments.

Clearing out resentment creates the space you need to renew respect for yourself and the people in your life. It helps you get back on track.

This goes for work relationships too. The hurdles are the same: Feeling rejected or fearing rejection. Feeling misunderstood. Feeling disappointed and not appreciated. Feeling invisible.

"But This is How We Do It in My Family . . ."
The key to productive relationships is mutual respect.

We all grew up in different families. We learned different styles of rules, beliefs and values.  Perhaps you grew up in different cultures which includes gender, ethnicity, religion and even region of the country.

You don't have to let these differences of style create relationship problems.

Whenever you are having a discussion with your coworker, or boss or romantic partner, be aware there are more than two of you in the room. Each of your ancestors are there as well, putting in their two cents, clamoring for attention; "Our family way is the best way!"

Instead of feeling threatened by your differences, why not create the space to honor them? Why not make an effort to respect others "ways" even though they may not think or act the same as you?

Feeling accepted and respected by others is vital to productive work and personal relationships. But what if you don't feel this acceptance? When we don't feel respected,  we feel rejected. And rejection hurts.

Rejection hurts
It hurts to feel criticized or slighted or condescended to. It's painful to feel dismissed or discounted or dispensable.

We tend to collect these hurts. We pile them into containers. They keep growing until they become resentments. And when a lover or friend or coworker says or does something that sets off the trigger, the container explodes. The moldy mess inside seeps over everything and everyone.

Getting Back on the 'Respect Track'
So how can you get your personal or professional relationship back on the respect track?

Here is where the notion of reciprocity comes in.

Reciprocity describes how one response leads to another as individual behavior affects the behavior in the relationship. This in turn affects the individual behavior of the folks interacting. 

Here's an example from 'Breathing Room:' 
". . . #1 says something to #2. And #2 thinks #1 means something negative or critical by what is said. Then #2 reacts protectively, that is to say, withdraws. And #1 reacts to the perceived withdrawal, perhaps getting hurt or angry. And on and on it goes, with no beginning and no end.

In other words, #1 doesn’t do it to #2. #2 doesn’t do it to #1. They do it with each other.  Each partner’s behavior affects and is affected by the other person’s behavior."

You can change any personal or work relationship. All it takes is for one person to change. Because relationships are relational one change affects another. When the relationship changes, it can lead to more individual change. And on and on.

Once both of you realize your differences are most likely differences of style, neither of you have to protect your space needs so fervently. This allows the room to connect in an open and honest way.

The Eyes Have It
Here's where the idea of reciprocity comes in. Long-time readers of this e-letter and workshop participants have heard me suggest this tip before. It's perfect for cleaning out resentment and bad feelings in work or personal relationships: Wouldn't you agree that when you feel put off by a partner or coworkers ways, you respond negatively?Kind of like a metaphorical rolling of the eyes or turning up of the nose?
So rather than continuing this negative interaction, why not attempt to change it?

Here's how: try to find something you can like and respect about the other person. Granted this isn't easy to do when so much negativity has  built up. Can you conjure up a positive thought about them? Can you appreciate their smile, intelligence or sense of humor? What about their taste in clothes or colors? Keep trying. I bet you can come up with SOMETHING.

Once you identify a feature, try to focus in on this during your next interaction. Then try it a second and even a third.

When they see respect in your eyes they will probably respond to it. You'll be amazed at how quickly the situation can change for the better.

Don't be surprised if you notice respect coming right back at ya! And we all can use a little respect. It's good for the soul.

Until next time,

Elayne

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentine's Day

By Elayne  Savage, PhD

On Valentine’s Day is the value of your relationship tied up in a gift?
Are you dropping lots of hints about what you yearn for?
Are you crossing your fingers and  hoping your sweetie will read your mind?

"If You Love Me, You'll Read My Mind . . ."

Especially on Valentine's Day, unstated wishes and unrealistic
expectations are set-ups for disappointment. And we know all
too well how disappointments and misunderstandings can lead to
hurt feelings, misunderstandings, disappointment, anger and resentment.

And resentment takes up so much relationship space, there's barely
room for connection and intimacy.

By keeping your expectations realistic, you'll reduce your chances of
disappointment. And because disappointment feels a lot like rejection,

it's all too easy to take it personally.

7 Tips: If You Are Part of a Couple

-1  Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetie will
read your mind. Be direct, and communicate clearly what
you yearn for. And make sure your partner  hears and understands
you.

-2  Keep your Valentine’s expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it’s a set-up for disappointment.

-3  Don't let the fear of buying the wrong gift or card  ruin the day.
All too often folks avoid celebrating Valentine's Day for
fear of buying the wrong thing.

-4  Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving AND receiving. Can you respect
each others 'ways' and not feel threatened by them?

–5  Don’t mistake "not thinking" for "not caring." Your partner’s
way of approaching Valentine's  Day may be different from yours.
Try not to feel slighted if it’s “not the way you’d
do it.” This goes for gift-giving as well.
 
–6  Don’t try too hard to be “creative” in YOUR gift giving.
Just be you, expressing your appreciation of your partner.
On the other hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines
Day doesn't seem like an 'afterthought.'

–7  AND if things don't go the way you had hoped, don’t take it personally.

Dwelling takes up way too much energy and relationship space. Make
room instead for connection and intimacy.

More Tips: If You Are Unattached

-1  Spend the day loving yourself. You are worth it!

-2  Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

-3  Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

-4  Take yourself to brunch, lunch or dinner.

-5  Be grateful for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little
corner of the world.

-6  Be grateful for the people who care about you.

-7 Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than your little corner of the world.

Away From the Hype and More Toward the Heart

You can spread lots of light by embracing kindnesses and giving and mindfulness, and graciousness and compassion and gratitude and love.Not just toward others but for yourself as well. I'll bet it looks good on you.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE!

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out more about her speaking  programs, coaching and consulting services visit:

http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Confessions of an Overly Responsible Personality

January 2010

By Elayne Savage, PhD

People of good will come together in wondrous ways as they respond to disasters like the devastating Haitian earthquake.This outpouring of support and financial aid is a marvelous example of social consciousness.

And yet, there are also lively debates in editorials and by the talking heads questioning  limits of our responsibility to other nations.

So, I've been thinking a lot about personal responsibility.

What does it mean to be personally responsible? What forms can it take? How does it develop? I'm more aware than ever of my long-time tendency to feel overly responsible. Even in every day situations that have little to do with me, I tend to feel responsible and take it to heart. You might say I'm taking it  personally.

There are times as I watch something unpleasant happening to someone. I catch myself thinking, "What could I have done to prevent this from happening?" or even  "Did I do something to cause  this to happen?" 

A reality check with common sense tells me,  "Of course not." And yet, in spite of knowing this, those awful 'shoulds' and 'ought-tos' start creeping in.

I think of all the times I've head sad or bad news and responded with, "I'm sorry." As I think more about it, 'sorry' is an apologetic word. Is this another instance where I'm feeling responsible for the situation when it isn't my fault? Lately I've been more mindful about saying "I'm sorry to hear that" which removes the apology factor.

Thank goodness the thoughts only hang around for a moment or so these days. I remember when they used to consume a great deal of time, space and energy. It didn't take much for me to feel overly responsible for things that happened around me. Without thinking I'd be jumping in to rescue the situation.

Do you, too, find yourself taking on this kind of responsibility? Do you blame yourself and take it personally?

Blaming ourselves is not the same as taking responsibility for our actions  All too often we confuse the two.Taking responsibility is standing on your own two feet. Blaming is leaning on someone else to take responsibility.

You can take responsibility for your response to the event, but the event itself is usually out of your control. It's this out of control feeling that leads to feeling overly responsible.

Feeling Helpless

We often mobilize by rescuing. Somehow rescuing helps us feel like we are in control of an out-of control situation.

So to not feel so helpless. we may take responsibility in a situation.

Some of us learned the rescuing role growing up. Maybe our childhood job description was 'The Responsible One,' 'The Capable One,' 'The Go-between,' 'The Placater,' 'The Mediator,' or 'The Family Translator.'

Truth be told, some of us learned responsibility in inappropriate ways. Boundaries were transgressed. Maybe you were handed the responsibility of caring for younger siblings. Or you started taking care of parents who were supposed to be taking care of you. Or you acted as the go-between. Or you tried to stop the fighting between your parents.

One woman describes jumping up on the coffee table and at the top of her voice reading her 'Happy Family Book' each time her parents started yelling.

We were 'parentified children' who filled up the large, empty spaces in our family.There was no room to be children because we were expected to function as adults. Boundary confusion reigned.

Read more about personal boundaries in "Don't Take It Personally! excerpts from Amazon. Chapter 11 addresses this:
http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264392645&sr=8-1#reader_0595255752

and in 'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple:
http://www.amazon.com/Breathing-Room-Creating-Space-Couple/dp/1572242213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264483012&sr=8-1#reader_1572242213

Keeping Everyone Safe is a Big Job

Some of us grew up with the idea if we didn't do our job right, our family might fall apart.

We believed everyone depended on us. I've heard many stories from clients about how they would lie in bed in bed at night worrying about how to best take care of everyone, keep them safe and make sure the family ran smoothly day-to-day. What a huge responsibility!

Can you see how being the responsible one in the family contributes to our sense of self worth and becomes our identity? This was how we receive validation and we carry this identity into the outside world.

Sometimes it backfires.

I'm remembering a kindergarten experience when I felt compelled to tell the teacher that a classmate refused to come in from recess. I was worried about her and was sure the teacher would be grateful for this information.

What a shock when my teacher accused me of tattling and told me to mind my own business. I honestly thought it was my business. After all, at home it was my job to be 'the responsible one' and make sure everyone was safe. Even back then I was overdoing the responsibility thing.

Job Descriptions Follow Us Into Adulthood

As we carry this identity into our adult years it  becomes burdensome and leads to some dilemmas:
How responsible should we be for others' well-being?
When does this cross over to being 'too responsible?'
Do we ever have a moral obligation?
An ethical one?
Do we feel responsible because we are really feeling guilty?
What are the personal boundaries here? It's so easy to get confused.
How can we be compassionate yet honor the autonomy of others?
How can we recognize and respect our own comfort level?

Here is what works for me. I make an effort to 'walk alongside myself.' I notice when the urge comes over me to be ultra-responsible. I can be mindful of  times when I gravitate  to the 'Responsible One' role. By  watching myself do it, I can then choose how involved I want to be. Or not.

Being able to make choices is key. I can consider what works best for others and what works best for me. Then I can choose which other road I want to take. By making a choice I feel in control of the situation rather than allowing it to control me.

Our Own Needs Get Lost

Most kids grow up thinking they don't have choices. They feel responsible to hold the family together. And their own needs get lost in the process. They are good candidates for developing into codependent adults who:

- feel our needs don't matter.
- forget they have needs because they are so busy looking after the needs of everyone else.
- get really good at anticipating needs of family members. They are especially adept  at reading others' minds, as well.

Unfortunately, as adults, we get really disappointed when we expect others to be as skilled at reading  our minds. And disappointment feels like rejection. And we know that doesn't feel good.

I'd love to hear your stories about how you deal with over-responsibility. And whether recognizing the ability to make choices can make a difference for you.

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Your Holiday Survival Guide

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2009
Welcome to the 38th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection®

Your Holiday Survival Guide
By Elayne Savage, PhD

These touchy times foster even touchier overreactions over the holidays.

The stresses of travel, visits with relatives, and dealing with unrealistic expectations and disappointments can lead to holidays disintegrating into low-down battles right before your eyes. The absurdity of it all is like watching a Harold Pinter play.

Theatre of the Absurd

Awkward family situations include: obnoxious relatives, judgments and criticism, and inappropriate, emotionally-loaded discussions about politics or religion.

You can choose not to bite-the-bait that family members toss out.
You can protect yourself from hurtful words and actions.

Here are some tips for handling these stressful holiday dilemmas. How to not be so sensitive. How to not over-react or take things so personally.

Pass the Rejection, Please

- Here is a great way you to take care of yourself at the dinner table. When civility starts getting off track you can always say a simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the kitchen or bathroom, take a few deep breaths and strategize: “OK, how do I want to handle this?”

Perhaps you can apply some of these examples to awkward situations in your family. . .

• Uncle Alex is baiting you again with his political rants. He pulls you in every time. You're embarrassed to find yourself raising your voice to make your point.

- Don't bite the bait. Avoid the fish and the fisherman routine.

- Be direct. Say "Uncle Alex, I can see you feel strongly about your ideas and I respect that. However, I do not want to discuss this subject."

Uncle Alex's behavior is a good example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Mom is doing her 'Queen of the Kitchen' number. She insists on using her
salad dressing even though you made a perfectly lovely one. It's almost comical, so why not appreciate the HUMOR in the situation, and laugh it off.

Mom's behavior is another example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments loudly under
his breath about your weight. It's so humiliating. What do you do?

   - Remember you have CHOICES now. When Dad teased you when you were small, you didn't know how to consider choices. 

  - Now you can remind yourself you don’t have to stay there and take it. You can leave the room gracefully go into the kitchen and get a glass of water while you regain your composure.

  - Consider having a talk with him about it in a sober moment. This will be more
effective than trying to talk to him at the table.

Dad's behavior is an exquisite example of Theatre of the Absurd.

• Aunt Sally's unrelenting teasing makes you uncomfortable and self-conscious. She's done this ever since you can remember. She sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

   - This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several.  Breathing slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the situation.

   - By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

    - And if you make an effort to thank Aunt Sally when she shows even the slightest interest in you, it reinforces the positive behavior. Maybe she'll even have something nice to say to you again sometime.

Aunt Sally's behavior is a great example of Theatre of the Absurd.

When Feelings Are Too Hot To Handle

By the way, when Aunt Sally says, "You always were too sensitive," she is most likely talking about herself.

This is an example of 'projection' - mistakenly imagining certain traits exist in another person when you cannot acknowledge them in yourself. This is because they are emotionally unacceptable. In other words, features that you attribute to (others) are actually disowned (shadow) parts of yourself.

It’s like moving your “stuff” into someone else’s storage space — for safekeeping.

Unacknowledged feelings include anger, fears, insecurities, aggressiveness, independence, badness, vulnerabilities, competence, or dependency."

Projection also involves confusion about personal boundaries. I describe how this works in BREATHING ROOM:

"When you get right down to it, confusion about personal boundaries causes big problems in relationships. Having good personal boundaries means being able to recognize how our personal space is unique and separate from the personal space of others. It means knowing where you stop and the other person begins — regarding feelings, thoughts, needs, and ideas."

http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

3 Keys to Civility

- Excusing yourself, breathing, counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure. These are all examples of taking 'Time Outs.'

- The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions or inactions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

Works every time!

Wishing you a happy holiday season. Filled with good cheer, friends, good cheer, good food and drink and peace.

Until next month,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of ground-breaking books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2009

Thanksgiving . . . Opportunity Awaits
By Elayne Savage, PhD

A very un-Thanksgiving-like phrase parades through my mind:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity."

For over 15 years in interviews, articles and workshops I've been offering tips for handling Thanksgiving get-togethers and obnoxious relatives. Ways to  replace attitude with gratitude. Never did I dream I'd be writing words about crisis and danger.

This year for many of us, the usual cornucopia of plenty is bursting forth instead with scarcity.

And yet perhaps we can rummage around in there to find some positives - turning stumbling blocks into building blocks.

 Crisis Tends to Light a Fire

In 'Don't Take It Personally!' I write how danger and opportunity mirror each other:

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity. Crisis tends to light a fire that can initiate positive action.

Crisis allows people to dip deeply within, to open doors that have heretofore been closed, to breathe energy into new directions, to be creative out of necessity.

. . . in childhood you developed lifesaving strategies to help you get through those difficult years. These qualities may have come from existing in a crisis mode, but now you can offer yourself an opportunity to transform them into highly functional skills . . .

Imagine taking a step or two away and walking alongside yourself. What do you notice? How are you moving? Do you have energy? Are you tense or are you relaxed? What is your breathing like? Are you really breathing? Are you smiling? Could you be happy?

 . . . By walking alongside yourself, you can be more objective about yourself. You can begin to notice small changes and learn from them. One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is, “What is different this time?” or “How did I do it differently?

. . . a good way to transform crisis into opportunity is to survey the past and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this that I can use in the present and perhaps carry into the future with me?” This attitude allows you to develop a new approach to life in which you see things from a different perspective and make new choices."

from 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

A Very Different Thanksgiving

Last year at this time  I wrote about economic stresses and strains. However the idea of crisis didn't even cross my mind back then.  Wow. It certainly has magnified, hasn't it? This Thanksgiving it seems we have to work double time to muster up some gratitude.

We are painfully aware how these economic times affect each of us and those we love. As a workplace and relationship coach, I hear many stories every week.

Since my style of working with clients is to enhance strengths and positives, sometimes I find myself scrambling to come up with valuable reframes and take-aways.  It's harder than ever this year because relationships are especially strained by dashed hopes, stretched budgets, and lost jobs, homes, and physical and emotional health.

For sure, this is a very different Thanksgiving. Being thankful during this painful time is a real stretch.

Yet many of you have told or written me about how, in spite of the hardships, your perspective has changed in some wonderfully positive ways.

Something has shifted in how you think about the things you used to take for granted.

Transforming Crisis into Opportunity

You tell me how this experience of scarcity creates a new determination to reflect and respond differently. Many of your ideas are amazingly creative.

You talk about how you are rethinking priorities. And using the extra time to spend with friends or family. You talk about fueling  your passions. Taking one or two professional courses - and some fun ones, too. Exploring hobbies. And thankfully getting some stuff done you've been putting off forever.

Seems to me the phrase 'thinking out of the box' is taking on new meaning.

"The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two parts: danger and opportunity..."

A Time for Reflection

As for me, I'm grateful to have time for some quiet reflection on what each new day brings. And apropos of this,  I want to share a recent piece by Roy H. Williams, The Wizard of Ads, from his 'Monday Morning Memo':

                                   My Holiday Gift to You ... For Real
                                              by Roy H. Williams

Tom Hennen has a line in his poem, The Life of a Day, that says,“We examine each day before us with barely a glance and say, ‘no, this isn’t one I’ve been looking for,’ and wait in a bored sort of way for the next, when we are convinced, our lives will start for real.”

That line is a little bit frightening because you read it and realize you’re guilty. You’ve been waiting for that day when your life will start “for real.”

The trouble with life is that it’s just so daily.



I share this with you because I’ve been thinking about my two grandfathers who are dead and my father who is likewise and I’ve come to the obvious conclusion:

Live while you have the chance.

“Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home…” 
- The Temptations, 1971

In the final moments of his life, my father scribbled a note for me to find. In barely legible pencil he scrawled, “All the little things in life add up to your life. If you don't get it right then nothing else matters. It gets lonely in the promised land by yourself.”

My Dad died lonely, I think, because he never made deep commitments. My father’s confession of his loneliness makes me sad, but his scribbled note tells me he wanted me to learn from his mistake.



I meet a lot of people who sigh deeply and say they’re looking for their passion, something to set their souls on fire and send beams of light shining out through their eyes.

But the people with light shining from their eyes know this:

Passion does not produce commitment.
Commitment produces passion.



Solomon, that wise king, spent years of his life searching for passion. In chapter 9 of the chronicle of that search, the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”

People read that and think Solomon is saying, "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die," but that's not it at all. He's saying, "Throw your whole heart into whatever you do. Live while you have the chance."

This is my Holiday gift to you,

I hope you will receive it:

Find something that needs to be done

and throw yourself headlong into it.

Let today

be the day

your life begins

for real. 

Roy H. Williams
www.MondayMorningMemo.com

Opportunity awaits . . .

And if you can use some Thanksgiving get-together tips for taking good care of yourself by not taking obnoxious relatives so personally, here you go:

http://www.tipsfromthequeenofrejection.com/2008/11/index.html

© Elayne Savage,PhD

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Exploited! - Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2009

 

Exploited! Bamboozled By a Helium Balloon

By Elayne Savage, PhD

The Balloon Boy story is old news now . . . and you're probably as over-saturated with hearing about the runaway mylar balloon as I am. Yet, I just can't get the story out of my head.

I guess I'm taking it personally. Personal memories started running rampant whenI learned how six year Falcon and his brother were exploited by the parents.

The recent court affidavit states the mother admits the whole saga was a hoax. They knew all along that Falcon was hiding in the residence. The parents instructed their three children to lie to authorities as well as the media.

Exploitation has lots of facets: taking advantage of, using, manipulating, misleading, profiting from, coercing.

Taken Advantage Of at Work

The Balloon Boy saga reminds me of the many disturbing stories I hear as a workplace coach:

- When bosses take advantage of employees

- Or employees take advantage of bosses

- How someone takes credit for a coworker's idea

- Someone pushes work onto another member of the team

- When a manager or co-worker asks someone to 'cover' or even to 'cover up' for them

- Feeling like a 'doormat' because of someone's attitude

- Finding yourself on the receiving end of inappropriate comments or actions

- And you know there's lots more . . .

The bigger your overreaction to these types of actions, the greater the chances you've experienced some form of manipulative, coercive or exploitive behavior in the past.

Taken for Granted By Family or Friends

There are times we feel used by family or friends as well.

You might feel taken for granted when:

- Someone asks for favors, but rarely offers to reciprocate.

- A friend contacts you when they want something. Asking how you are doing seems      like an afterthought.

- A relative borrows money but doesn't return it . . . and they don't return your messages either.

- Your friend is always 25 minutes late for a lunch date, and as the minutes tick by, you feel more and more unimportant. At least that's not quite as bad as your ex-friend who used to totally forget you had a date and not show up at all.

And again, most of us have much less patience for these behaviors when we have a history of experiencing them.

Resentment Builds, Trust Erodes and Future Relationships Suffer

It's hard not to take these things personally. Because they are so hurtful, they feel like injustices and rejections. And if these experiences repeat, resentment builds, trust erodes, and future relationships suffer.

So I've been figuring out why I got so upset by the Balloon Boy hoax. It brings up all the times I've felt taken advantage of. Often it was by people I trusted to protect me. Some of it started in childhood, but it impinges on present  personal and professional situations.

I, too, was glued to the TV mesmerized by the mylar balloon floating over Colorado. I watched as the story of the six year old boy unfolded. I watched as we learned he was not only told to lie low.He was also told to tell a lie.  As I watched him get tangled in the web of deception and exploitation, I was getting sick to my stomach.

No wonder the Balloon Boy vomited while telling his story on two television shows.

This kind of exploitation reminds me of my Child Protective Services days. As you can guess, we heard lots of horrible stories of abusive exploitation of children.  One that got to me the most, however, was the mother who trained her four year old daughter to crawl under restaurant tables, remove billfolds from purses, and bring them back to mom's table.

Watching the Balloon Boy hoax I  was getting pretty upset. The family perpetrated a hoax on the media. The media bit the bait and perpetrated a hoax on the rest of us. I felt swindled. Duped. Bamboozled.

Maybe I was getting upset remembering the how that little girl was coerced to steal billfolds. Maybe I began reliving my own growing up experiences with a stage mother mom who pushed me to perform. She was the one with long-time stage ambitions and visions of fame. It wasn't me. I just wanted to be a kid.

"Hit a Home Run for Me!"

This is a good example of vicarious parenting. It is a form of exploitation - coercion is often involved. The sad result is a rejection of the child's authentic identity.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:
    "When parents try to live their lives vicariously through their children . . . some  confusion about personal boundaries, they don’t know where they stop and where someone else begins. Vicariousness is often a form of coercion. Children often feel pushed beyond their comfortable limits, but are afraid to say “no” to a parent.

    Vicarious parents encourage their children to meet their own unmet goal — vocationally, religiously, or romantically. Or they urge the children to live out their own unfulfilled dreams by being the “performer” the parents never quite became—in school, on the stage, on the playing field.

    These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own     competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children     fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed. The children may lose their sense of self, trading “self” for service to the parents."

Sometimes parents or grandparents want to 'shine' in the eyes of other relatives, coworkers, or friends. They brag about a child's accomplishments to look good. One women told me that her dad bragged  about her art talent to all the relatives. Yet never once did he tell her directly that he was proud of her work.

Bragging Rights

The following is a pretty subtle form of exploitation, but I hear stories about it all the time.   The child is made to feel incompetent so the parent can feel more useful. This behavior sometimes continues into adulthood as well.

Again from 'Don't Take It Personally!':

    “My mom seemed to be waiting for me to mess up so she could step in  and     rescue me,” remembers Georgia. “Sometimes she’d ask me to do chores around the house that were too difficult for me. Then she’d step in and  show me ‘how to do it better . . . . and take over." Georgia did the same when she grew up, taking over for her husband, then chiding him for being 'helpless'". Hmmm. Wonder where she learned that!

I've mentioned before that 20 years ago I served on a National Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. Exploiting/Corrupting is one of the categories we defined:    
    "Encouraging child to develop self-destructive, antisocial, criminal, deviant, or other     maladaptive behaviors (This includes micromanaging the child’s life, encouraging     developmentally inappropriate drug-related or sexual behavior, or interfering with appropriate     autonomy or cognitive development. It also includes using the child as a pawn in divorce     proceedings.)"

And back to the Balloon Boy: Coercing the child to lie to protect the parents is surely a maladaptive behavior. And it has long term effects on our view of the world and the people in it.

Tips for When You Feel Taken Advantage Of

Here are some tips for dealing with an inequitable situation.
This happens to be a workplace example,but you can most likely
adjust it for a personal situation.

Step One:  Describe the behavior in observable, non-blaming terms. "I've been noticing that I seem to be getting the more time-consuming jobs assigned to our team." (This frames the interaction from your own perception in a way that the other person feels less defensive and less likely to argue.)

 

Step Two:   Describe how you felt about the action.  "I get upset (hurt, angry, upset, confused) that it seems so uneven lately.

Step Three:  Describe how you explained the action to yourself. For example, "When I get these complicated assignments, it does not feel fair." (Note: In certain appropriate personal situations you might want to add how the behavior re-creates old messages from childhood. "This is the same situation as when my older sister used to give me the jobs she didn't want to do." Use this step selectively  only in situations where it feels safe. Probably not with most  coworkers or bosses.)

Step Four:   Describe how you would like the interaction to go next time. "In the future I need to know that assignments are being made equitably. This will do a lot to enhance everyone's productivity."

When have you felt taken advantage of? What do you remember about it? How it has affected your subsequent relationships or situations. I'd love to hear your experiences.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
September, 2009

 

Thoughts on Spanking Children - It's Not Neat to Beat

By Elayne Savage, PhD

Spankings hit the news again. Each time a news story appears, I seem to get more passionate about the subject - both professionally and personally. This recent research shows that spankings and other forms of corporal punishment can cause damage to intelligence.

In one study Dr. Murray Strauss of The University of Hampshire and Dr. Mallie J. Paschall of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation conducted 4 year longitudinal studies on 1510 young children.

Dr. Strauss has studied the effects of corporal punishment for 50 years. By the way, his ideas were a major influence on my doctoral dissertation research twenty years ago on the rejection aspects of abuse.

Dr. Strauss talks about a common misconception: “We hear that it’s OK to hit younger children because they won’t remember it . . . This evidence says it’s worse for children between two to six, that the younger child is the most vulnerable.” And his studies on the IQ of abused children seems to bear this out.

A few years ago another research study hit the news. It was reported that ‘mild’ spanking was not especially dangerous to children. The researchers define it as "striking with an open hand on the buttocks, hands and legs without inflicting physical injury."

Many folks get confused by the difference between 'Discipline' and 'Punishment.' Disciplining doesn't have to mean physical punishment. When do 'spankings' become 'whippings' become 'beatings'? I question the conclusion of that study - that mild childhood spankings don't appear to create lasting harm into adolescence.

The Long-term effects

Consider looking at spanking as causing long term effects no matter how ‘mild’ it might be. And the effects are more far-reaching than lower IQ scores.

For many years I worked Child Protective Services and Long-term Placement in San Francisco. Sadly, many of the adolescents I supervised in placement were the very same kids I saw removed from their homes ten or fifteen years before. Often this was because spankings got so out of control that was no longer safe for them to remain in that environment. And the same look of apprehension, uneasiness, fear, and anxiety that I saw when they were little was still etched on their adolescent faces.

Physical abuse is defined as any act resulting in a non-accidental trauma or physical injury. But physical injuries don't have to be broken skin or broken bones. It doesn't take much to leave red marks, welts, or bruises on a small child.

Emotional Welts and Bruises

What about the emotional welts and bruises?

Physical bruises usually heal; emotional bruises frequently do not. It’s not the spanking alone that causes long-term damage. It's more complicated than that.

The accompanying emotional messages of rejection and betrayal travel with the child into adulthood. It affects their world view forever. These experiences determine how they view the safety of their world and the people in it.

All these years later adult clients I see in therapy recall feeling terrified at 'that look' in their parents' eyes. Intense anger or rage on the adult's face can be terrorizing for some children especially if there is an out-of-control quality to it. They live on the edge, waiting for the whipping to come again.

Fear and anxiety are their constant companions. It is not a matter of IF it would come, but WHEN it would come. They are always holding their breath, waiting for the next blow to fall, trying to protect themselves from physical or emotional pain.

When children live with this ever-present anxiety, it becomes a part of their identity. It follows them into adult relationships, affecting future dealings with coworkers, friends, and lovers.

About 20 years ago I served on a national Task Force on Psychological Maltreatment. We carved out definitions of psychological maltreatment and it's long-term effects.

Psychological maltreatment is embedded in all forms of child abuse. It conveys the message that the child is worthless, flawed, unloved, or endangered.

Children feel disregarded and unprotected. Can you see how rejection is the common thread that runs throughout these perceptions?
When children look to someone for love and protection and that person hurts and betrays them, how can there not be long-term emotional damage?

Trust is Fragile

Trust is so fragile, and some children are more sensitive to messages of rejection than others. When children feel disrespected by their parents in this way, how can they learn respect for others? They may ask themselves, "How can someone who is supposed to love me, hurt me like this?" What happens down the road when they're taught through example that it's okay to hit someone? Messages like this are so confusing. When they become adults some will gravitate toward abusive relationships. Some will shun closeness for fear of being hurt again. And others will become abusive themselves.

 A View from the Landing

As you may have guessed, spankings were a part of my childhood. My mom would warn, "Just wait until your father gets home." And my brother and I waited. Terrified of what would follow when we went with him down to the basement.

Often it started with an open hand, but if he thought my brother or I wasn't getting the "message" the next step was the telephone cord. He'd strip away the black sheathing, exposing the brightly colored individual wires. I remember some of them still had metal pieces attached to the ends.
But what really hurt the most, was that I sensed my mother standing on the basement landing, listening to our cries

A Scrapbook of Memories

Once a client brought in a 1950's wooden scrapbook her father had made to display her childhood poems. He painstakingly used a jigsaw, cutting her name into a piece of wood and gluing it onto the wooden cover. It was a loving gesture.

I found myself staring at the colorful lacing holding the two pieces of wood together, There was something eerily familiar about it. At first I couldn't place it. I was stunned when I recognized what it was. The brightly colored cord her dad used to fasten it together was telephone wire.

I couldn't stop my tears.

In Praise of Praise

Consider the idea of ‘praise not punishment.‘ We know from many studies over the last 30 or 40 years that the best way to encourage a desired  behavior is to offer praise or a reward when it occurs. The best way to extinguish an undesirable behavior is to ignore it.

Here are some tips on praising behavior from Alan Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic:

1. Superenthusiastic
2. Specific to the desired behavior
3. Reinforced with a smile or a touch
4. Frequent
5. And immediately following the desired behavior

http://health.usnews.com/blogs/on-parenting/2008/02/04/praise-a-child-right-and-youll-get-results.html

I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories about the long term effects of spankings for ideas about praise not punishment.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

 

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
 http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE 
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 
 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out 
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take 
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my 
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd 
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
August, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality 
2. So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?
3. Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
4.  F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'
5. The Mob Mentality Morass
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

All Frenzied Up - A Look at Mob Mentality
by Elayne Savage, PhD

I don't scare easily. But when fear is dished out daily, it's hard not to want to protect myself from the onslaught.

I feel ganged up on. Clobbered. Pummeled. So much information and misinformation is being hurled at me. If I believed everything I heard, I might be scared to death.

There are so many threats being thrown about: How the government is trying to "kill granny." (Hey, that's ME!) That Medicare could be taken away. That I'll have to go before a 'death panel' and be told I have to end my life because I’m not productive enough (or something.)

Truth be told, this last threat hits home. But how did they ever discover my secret fear? How could they know I've been concerned about my productivity of late?  Let's face it, some days I'm not writing as much as I'd like. And I get embarrassed every time someone asks, "Where IS that third book?? And I, too, wonder why I'm not working harder to secure more speaking engagements? 

How did they ever discover that I'm turning into such a slacker? Sheesh. If I'm not careful, I'll soon be taking their threats personally!

The outrageousness of these threats might even be seen as comical. But they are far too scary to be funny.  What frightens me most is the viciousness of the mob behavior at the Town Hall meetings. The outbursts verging on hysteria. The misplaced anger. The hyperbole. The spewing forth of toxic rhetoric.

It rattles me to the core.

So Exactly What is Mob Behavior?

Here are dictionary definitions for 'mob.'
- A disorderly or riotous crowd of people.
- A group of persons stimulating one another to excitement and losing ordinary rational control over their activity.

Social Psychologists define two basic types of mob behavior.
- Contagion theory holds that the energy exchange and anonymity of being in a crowd causes people to act in a certain way.
- Convergence theory holds that like-minded people (people who wish to act a certain way) converge to form crowds.

It just crossed my mind that definitions of 'terrorism' and 'terrorist' fit here as well:

Terrorism:
- The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
- The state of fear and submission produced by terrorism or terrorization.
- A terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government

Terrorist:
- A person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.
- A person who terrorizes or frightens others.

Hmmmm. Writing this is bringing back some unpleasant memories . . .

Witnessing Mob Mentality First Hand
 

 

I witnessed mob mentality first hand many years ago when I was a Child Welfare worker for the City and County of San Francisco. We initiated a planned work stoppage to make a point that we deserved a raise. Or more benefits. Or something like that.

Feelings ran high. The flames of indignation were fanned. The workers got all frenzied up. Some behavior became aggressive and unruly.

I watched helplessly as normally responsible and reasonable social workers became disrespectful, disruptive and irrational. Jekyll and Hyde-like they turned on anyone who did not agree with their stance. Suddenly everything became 'us' vs. 'them,' 'good and bad,' 'right and wrong.' The polarization was intense. They threatened, they bullied, they intimidated.

I watched as social workers flung themselves in front of municipal buses to prevent them from rolling. There were ugly shouting matches when picket signs weren't honored. Fury and viciousness were unleashed. It was out of control and scary.

Although I didn't support the tactics, I did support the cause. I agreed to leaflet the commuter bus station. I naively walked up to a queued of passengers and handed out flyers. A few folks got upset. One man suggested, "Miss, you just  cannot push information at people. You should hold it out and let them take it."

In those days I took everything personally. As I listened to his words I felt chastised, dismissed and rejected. Later I understood what a valuable gift this was! Thanks, Mister, for taking the time to teach me such a valuable life lesson on honoring respect and personal boundaries of others.

F.E.A.R. = 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real'

These surely are scary times. Many of us are leery of all the unknowns. Change is a huge unknown. And this uneasiness breeds fear. For many of us, the idea of change rocks our comfort level.

In the e-letters of March and April of this year I wrote about Fear, Anger, Outrage and Change.  Little did I dream how relevant these musings would be today. Little did I imagine the Town Hall meetings would disintegrate into such chaos.  I had no clue how these uprisings could possibly instill so much fear. Or how the media would pounce and inflate.

Little did I dream how out of control and hysterical folks would become. The flames of fear were fanned and populist rage exploded.

This nation has become so fragmented and polarized. What has become of the idea of  "one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?"

F.E.A.R. is often described as 'False Exaggerations Appearing Real.' In other words, all too often fear arises through the prism of our misperceptions.

In March 2009 I wrote about 'Fear, Anger and Outrage.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

In April 2009 I wrote 'Don't Fear Change. Change Fear.'

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

In these pieces I define rage as 'anger with a history.' "Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss."

"Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear . . . Fear and anger are connected emotions . . . When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We can see the connection between fear and anger in aggressive behaviors.

The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability."

I wrote how fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed. Following the horrific attacks of 9-11, The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. The Economy. And now Health Care and a new president who happens to be Black.

A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless. A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

I wrote these two e-letters several months ago. I didn't dream how the recent frenzy of fear and rage would make them even more relevant now.

http://00queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/29/03/index.html
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/04/index.html

The Mob Mentality Morass

Let's talk more about Mob Mentality. Social Psychologists prefer to use the terms 'crowd hysteria' or 'herd behavior' (think 'stampede.') The definition of 'stampede is " a sudden frenzied rush of panic-stricken animals. "

When humans are caught up in similar panicky situations, we too can be swept along with the tide of mob hysteria. Even though it may be against their better judgment. All too often mob behavior develops a life of its own, spinning out of control.
Like my social worker colleagues, folks with normally decent values may become infected with mob hysteria.

At these times mob participants lose their sense of self.

They become submerged in the group. They lose their personal boundaries. With the loss of this sense of separateness and individuality, comes loss of principles, personal integrity, and sense of responsibility.

In other words, they lose their moral compass.

Many factors can contribute to mob behavior. Here are a few:

- When people feel invisible, dismissed, not listened to or heard, they may react by puffing themselves up bigger than life and participate in mob behavior. By raising their voices and shouting out their fears, they know they are heard.

- If they feel economic opportunities are passing them by, they may be inclined to band together with others who feel the same.

- Mobs tend to view the recipients of their rage as objects rather than real people.

- There's a certain sense of security in the anonymity of a large group. It gives permission to say and do things they would not ordinarily do.

You can probably tell I've been pretty disturbed by these recent out of control happenings. It has helped me a lot to pull together some ideas and thoughts, put them in order to make some sense of it all, and share them with you.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts on the subject  . . .

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,

Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
July, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
2. Always The Last to Know
3. Feeling Like a Freak
4. New information Rocks My World
5. New Found Appreciation
6.  Contacting Elayne
7.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Class Reunion – A Time For Reflection
by Elayne Savage, PhD

The prospect of a class reunion can be frightening.This isn't my first one, yet I don't remember looking so critically at myself before.

The reunions used to be held every five years. Now they are every ten. I didn't know about the first few because I was 'lost.' You see, I did not actually graduate from Omaha Central High. When my dad remarried we moved to Baltimore for my senior year.

Because I want to be like everyone else I've learned to take care of myself. I realized my name tag would be photo-less because I was not in the senior yearbook. So I scanned my Baltimore high school photo and sent it to the event planner asking them to put my photo on the tag.  They did.

Two days before boarding the plane in San Francisco I got cold feet. I honestly found myself thinking about ways I could get out of going.

I also did something I haven't done in years. I stood in front of my closet, fretting about what clothes to bring. I thought I'd outgrown that kind of indecisiveness. I've learned to trust I usually look good enough. But not this time. I kept pulling clothes from my closet and piling them on the bed. I tried on lots of outfits. Nothing looked right. I was aware of the old high school uncertainties flooding back. Yuck. I thought I had outgrown that. Guess not.

Truth be told, I was very close to changing my mind about going. It can be dangerous when we start thinking about ways to get out of something we dread doing. We might even conjure up a situation where we don’t have to follow through. But I managed to get through those last days without breaking a leg or arm. I even got to the airport on time.

I'm so glad I went. This has been an amazing, enriching experience. I cherish time with my Central High classmates.  Yet as connected as I feel during these reunion weekends, we somehow manage to not keep in touch from reunion to reunion. This is true of even my best high school friends.

As we go through life we develop notions about the world around us and the people in it.  Wow. Was this ever true for me in high school. Self-doubt took over. I took everything personally. I was the kid who was different from everyone else because I didn't have a mother. I was the poorer kid who wore my cousin's hand-me-downs.

This long reunion weekend with Omaha Central High classmates gave me the opportunity to stop seeing things from the lens of inferiority. I could begin to see the world through a different filter. I watched myself grow up over the weekend.

But not before I started to fall into the old trap of feeling 'different' and 'left out.'

Always The Last to Know

The 'left out' part crept my first day there when my older cousin said, "By the way, Barb called and invited you to the pizza party tomorrow night for the old gang."

I immediately told myself, "I guess I'm the last to know about the party. I'm an afterthought again." 

I had always felt not exactly part of that 'gang.' I felt on the periphery much of the time. (Sure, I realize now that most of us feel left out in high school. If you ask the really popular kids they will tell you the same thing.)

When I got to the restaurant I found out the party was an afterthought. It had materialized only the day before. What started out as a group of 6 people grew to a party of 35 or so.

Hmmmmmmm. Interesting, isn't it, how fast I went to that old 'left out' default position?

At each of the reunion events, the 'official' ones and the smaller private gatherings, I could see people were genuinely glad to see me. When someone remembered and shared something about me from those high school days, I could take in their words. Once in a while, someone would say, "I don't remember you," I was OK with hearing that as well. I didn't remember lots of people either.

It was great fun to reconnect with some high school classmates I remembered from 6th grade when we were in a City-wide play. Some of us car-pooled together. I remember I had a mad crush on one of the boys from those play days. Whenever I had a chance to talk with him during rehearsals or performances, I would roll my eyes back into my head. I guess I though it was cool or something. Once he asked me, "Is something wrong with your eyes?" Guess I was wrong about it being a neat, flirty thing to do. I stopped rolling them.

Three of four of us from those play days showed up for this reunion. One even came from Italy. But the fourth actor was missing. Peter Hoagland, who served in the U.S. House of Representatives from Nebraska, died almost two years ago.

I was really looking forward to seeing my friend from middle school, Rosalee. We'd ride the bus together almost every day downtown to Central. She'd be already there always sitting in the same seat, wearing her red coat, waiting for me to board. I looked for her at the reunion events but couldn't find her. Then I saw her name. On the list of classmates who died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Feeling Like a Freak

I mentioned how I felt different from the others. Part of this was being poorer. Part was being without a mother in a world where it seemed every other family was intact. Back in those days there were rarely separations or divorces. I surely didn't know anyone else in a single parent family. Most especially where the mom had died.

Because my mother and grandmother died in a much-publicized plane crash when I was12, I felt so different. My brother Lee and I learned not to talk about the crash, not to offer information about being motherless. It was always awkward because people did not know what to say to us. So we didn't say anything to anybody.

During those high school years I felt like a freak.

New information Rocks My World

Imagine my amazement to learn I was not the only one in my class without a mother! Within the space of 3 1/2 hours I learned some startling information in chance conversations from two classmates.  They also had mothers who died before we arrived in high school.

None of us ever talked about it. Each of us thought we were the only one. And after the reunion I connected with yet another classmate who also grew up in a single parent household. One with no father. He, too, thought he was the only one of our group with a missing parent.

We all could have been good company for each other if we had not felt the need to be so secretive and protective. How many others are there with similar experiences in our 400 plus class?

New Found Appreciation

I got to spend lots of time 'catching up' with my good friend Gail. What a special person she was back then and continues to be. What treat to have lunch together not just once, but twice. I appreciated Gail back then, but even more so now. This time we're determined to stay in contact between reunions. And so far, we're doing a pretty good job of it.

As I walked the halls of Central High, I could see many parallels about appreciation. After all these years I have a new respect for the stately beauty of the 100 year old massive building: the curved wooden doors and moldings and banisters. The beautiful art deco light fixtures. The courtyard. The many things I took for granted back then. And so it is with friendships. With this reunion comes new appreciation. And gratitude.

I'm glad I managed to get on that plane. It was a fantastic experience in spite of a weekend of bad hair days and two prominent pimples – arriving just for the occasion. And you know what? Once I'd relaxed enough to make these longed-for reconnections, my hair, and zits didn't seem important any longer.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
June, 2009

 

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame
 2.  Shame, Shame Double Name
 3.  A Teaching Moment
 4.  It's Only Embarrassment, Not Shame
 5.  Markers of How Far You've Come Along the Rejection Road
 6.  Yet Another Teaching Moment
 7.  Contacting Elayne
 8.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

 One Step Forward, Two Steps Back - Revisiting Shame
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I excitedly wrote about the joys of recognizing and welcoming Corrective Emotional Experiences into our lives.  A corrective emotional experience is the opportunity to have a positive emotional experience in the present that balances out negative ones from our past.

If you missed it, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/05/index.html

I was so proud of myself for opening up to a new experience with the Washington Post. I allowed it to balance an earlier hurtful childhood experience. I was feeling pretty good about my positive attitude.

Then I  had a big setback.

It happened in Las Vegas during a performance of Cirque du Soleil's 'Mystere.'
The guy doing the comedy schtick in the audience was engaging some folks sitting near me. I couldn't help myself. I had to have a photo of his hilarious antics.

I knew better. But I pulled out my camera anyway and snapped away.
It took about three seconds for the camera police to appear at my seat. She pushed a claim check into my hand: "I'll take your device, she hissed You can retrieve it after the performance."

I got caught. I became the 'bad little girl.' Shame on me.

Shame, Shame, Double Name

I was instantly transported back in time to my first grade classroom. The teacher lectured me for tattling on another student. I was only trying to be helpful, but I was in big trouble.

I was at Langdon School. Washington, DC. And i remained there for the rest of the Cirque du Soleil performance.

I was a first grader watching the show. I was six years old.

I knew what was happening, I just couldn't do anything about it. So there I sat in my seat in the auditorium at Treasure Island in Vegas. Totally lost in the shame of being bad and getting caught. 

Before I knew it, all of the performers were prancing around the stage. Removing their veils and wigs. Taking their bows. I had totally lost those last minutes of the performance. Gone. Evaporated from my adult consciousness. For those last 15 minutes I was disoriented, plunged back in time.

After the show I finally located the manager. He was holding a box of multicolored mini cameras all lined up in a row. By the time I got to him, there were at least 10 cameras still remaining in the box. I wasn't the only 'bad girl' in the house. I felt a little better.

So what was that reaction all about? Where did it come from. Hey, I've been working on this rejection stuff for lots of years. How did it manage to creep up on me and take over so totally?

And what about the first grade incident that appeared in living color? I haven't thought about that experience in decades. But there it was, crystal clear. I was watching it happen all over again. and I was watching myself watch myself.

Powerful.

"It's Only Embarrassment, Not Shame"

OK, many of you have heard me say this before. It usually helps a lot to remind myself that "it's only embarrassment, not shame." But it didn't work for me this time.

Shame and humiliation is so often an automatic response to these kinds of situations. Feeling embarrassed doesn’t carry the emotional charge of feeling ashamed. Try thinking of a situation as embarrassing rather than shameful or humiliating. Often a feeling of embarrassment is all that’s warranted. The situation doesn’t call for any more than that. Repeating to yourself, “I’m only feeling embarrassed” is enough to get you past those raggedy moments - at least sometimes.

A Teaching Moment
What did I learn from this experience? It was a reminder for me that no matter how  much work we do on our feelings of  self-rejection, sometimes they can come back to haunt us.

In 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' I write:

"I wish I could promise that these old unwanted behaviors can be totally extinguished. But in reality they’re something like a slow-motion version of those trick birthday-cake candles. They seem to die down for varying lengths of time, then unexpectedly flare up again. But these flare-ups can be useful. (It’s really true.)

Whenever this happens it’s a reminder that you have a unique ability that has saved your feelings—maybe even your life—a lot of times as you were growing up. Look at it as a method you learned to protect yourself, an overadaptation to an unsafe world. You don’t have to discard it just because it’s no longer usable in its current form—you can modify it. You can choose to recognize it, appreciate it, befriend it even, like an old friend from childhood who pays a surprise visit . . .  Accepting yourself includes recognizing the various parts of yourself and accepting them."

Markers of How Far You've Come Along the Rejection Road

For me, one of the best realizations is that these shameful moments used to happen all the time. Now it is pretty rare when one comes along. And that's a good thing!

Consider thinking of these occasional moments as markers, reminders of how far you have come along your road of changing. A client tells this story: "I found myself slipping back into old overreacting behavior.  I was upset with myself until I realized it had been nearly four months since the last time this happened. I used to react like this every day! Now I can use a little humor and say to myself, 'Oh, shit, here it is again.'" 

Has a similar experience ever happened to you? I'd love to hear about it.

Yet Another Teaching Moment

And speaking of returning rejection experiences, I just returned from my Omaha Central High School reunion. I kept reminding myself before the weekend that there is one good thing about reunions. We are ALL the same age.

Lots to reflect on and write about.from the weekend. It's always difficult for me to return to Omaha. There are of course some wonderful memories from my years there, but some really sad ones too. Especially the years after the plane crash. My infrequent visits to the cemetery are markers in my journey of delayed grieving.

Here is a piece on this journey that I recently wrote for BettyConfidential.com.

http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/ld/a/Air-France-Tragedy-Opens-the-Wounds-of-Her-Own-Loss.html

I want to think a bit about the layers of thoughts and feelings that materialized over the reunion weekend. It was pretty amazing. Most likely good material for an upcoming e-letter.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

 

What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
May, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
 2.  Dreaming of Redeeming
 3.  The Birthday Party Surprise
 4.  The Poem I Didn't Write
 5.  Humiliated for the Rest of My Life
 6.  Oh No. Not Another Mess Up
 7.  Making Room for Good Stuff
 8.  Contacting Elayne
 9.  Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

What a Corrective Emotional Experience That Was!
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Corrective Emotional Experience . . . I've always loved the sound of these words. Ever since I learned the phrase in Psychology 101 decades ago. It sort of rolls off the tongue.

I find Franz Alexander's concept of a Corrective Emotional Experience intriguing. We have opportunities to have positive emotional experiences in the present that balance out negative ones
from our past.

Consider the possibilities. Re-balancing. Re-experiencing. Re-considering. And re-establishing yourself as an important person on this planet.

What an opportunity to re-claim that part of your soul that may have been damaged long ago by people or circumstances. When a teacher or family member or peer says or doe something hurtful it's hart not to take it to heart. These experiences linger and get replayed in our personal and professional relationships.

All too often we come to expect people in our present to treat us the way we experienced being treated in the past. This expectation is so great in fact, many of us filter out  positive and validating responses from people. We zero in on the negative. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Then, along comes a chance event providing the opportunity to have a different experience. The trick is to recognize it.

Something changes for us.

In the way we see ourselves. In the responses we expect from people around us. In the quality of our connection to others.

Yes, something changes.

For example, past experiences may have left you feeling rejected - hurt, dismissed, disrespected. A similar experience in the present often triggers an old response. And we glide to that dark place too quickly and easily.

Yet, something could be different this time. For whatever reason, you find yourself less entangled. Less prone to get triggered so quickly. More able to act like a grownup.

You discover you are not so upset by the circumstances. You can maintain enough distance from it to observe and notice, rather than be reactive. You can create enough space to take in some new experience of yourself. You may feel accepted - validated, appreciated and well regarded.

Dreaming of Redeeming Myself

I just had an experience like this. It was a corrective emotional experience. And it was transformational.

It involves The Washington Post.

You see, I have a painful history with The Washington Post. When I was six years old and living in DC, I had a devastating experience connected to the paper.

And being such an overly sensitive child, for years this experience colored my sensitivity to what other people think of me.

I recently had the chance to add a new chapter to my history with the Post. One that is washing away the bad feelings of the past.

The Birthday Party Surprise

When I turned six, my mother gave me a birthday party. It was weird having friends over to my house, sitting around our dining room table. Because it made my mom jittery to have anyone over, friends and relatives were rarely invited. Can you imagine how surreal the birthday party was?

But there's more. In the middle of the ice cream and cake, the phone rang. It was for me!

On the other end was a man from The Washington Post. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

What poem? What prize? I was confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it.

She wrote the poem the way a six year old might write it. She sent it to the newspaper with my name attached. She didn't tell me

The Poem I Didn't Write

How was I going to read that poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. So she made me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother, next to the kitchen table, practicing the poem. She'd say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write:

"I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post."

She drilled those words into my head. Day after day.

Then there was the long streetcar ride to the radio station on the other side of town.  As I said, my mom got nervous around people, especially in the outside world. Most especially on streetcars. She made me practice the poem the entire ride. Can you imagine how nerve-racking that ride was? For both of us!

When we arrived at the radio station, I was overwhelmed by all the gleaming microphones and glassed-in producer's booths. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. I was shaking.

Then it was time for me to say my poem.

I messed up. I forgot the words.

Humiliated for the Rest of My Life

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to this popular radio station to hear me read my poem. And their 'big star' daughter messed up. I let them down. Big time.

It was a humiliating experience. I have never forgotten the terrible rejection and judgment I felt from my family.

I've been interviewed by hundreds of media outlets over the last 15 years. Many of these have been large daily newspapers in this country and Britain. But never by the Washington Post.

As you might imagine my dream has been to be interviewed by The Washington Post. I wanted to redeem myself. To be able to flip the terrible embarrassment I experienced as a child.

Then it happened. I was asked by reporter Theola Labbé-DeBose to join her in co-hosting an online discussion for the Washington Post.

Oh No. Not Another Mess Up

It didn't go smoothly, I sort of messed up. I had never co-hosted a webinar before. I might have guessed that typing in answers to reader's questions could prove difficult. My disabilities got in the way.

I'm a little arthritic and mildly dyslexic. Enough to make typing difficult. I spend as much time correcting inverted letters as I do in the actual writing. (When you think about it, it's quite amazing I've written two books and hundreds of articles!)

I had another struggle during the webinar.

I had trouble moving back and forth between all the pages. There was the new questions list, the actual online discussion page, the backstage chat module between me, my co-host, and the producer. Whew.

And wouldn't you know it, my computer chose this time frame to run frustratingly slowly.

I was exceedingly slow in responding. Once my co-host even wrote to me, "Elayne are you there?'

I did something really well, however. I thought ahead. The night before I anticipated what some of the questions might be. I wrote out some answers, keeping them on my desktop. Then I could cut and past pieces of sentences here and there. They were already typed out, so that was that much less actual typing I had to do.

Making Room for the Positive

You know what? I didn't feel great about my slow responses on the webinar.
I didn't feel bad, though. I know I did my best.

- I was able to view the experience as an adventure. I saw it as a challenge      and not a defeat.

- I reminded myself that I did indeed co-host a discussion on my hometown paper and that means the world to me.

- I managed to have some compassion and empathy for myself and the situation. I was able to see it with a wide enough lens that I didn't get all caught up in the me, me, me of it.

- I could walk along side myself and see that I have choices in how I respond each step of the way.

- I could take some deep breaths and keep breathing.

- I could make space for a new and different awareness. A different self-concept.

- I made a conscious decision where I wanted to put my energy. In the old negative or the new positive response to the situation.

- When I started to go to that old dark place, I changed direction. I could see the light.

The best part was when Theola supportively emailed me after the program. She reminded me, "Don't forgot to add 'Online discussion host'" to my media credits.

And I did! This was surely a corrective emotional experience for me: Validating, accepting, and non-judgmental. And it frees me up to let my light shine.

By the way, just as I was finishing writing these words, I received in the mail MJ Ryan's just released book, 'AdaptAbillity'– How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For' (Broadway Books).

In this treasure trove of valuable nuggets about change Ryan writes, "Some of us do everything to avoid it. We doubt our capacity to live through it. Yet when it arrives on our doorstep, most of us are able to reach deep; into ourselves and find the inner strength to strap on a sturdy pair of shoes and walk toward the light."

This is a gem of a book. It is wonderfully soothing and hopeful in these troubled times. I hope you'll check it out:
http://www.TinyURL.com/q2jqha

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her speaking  programs, coaching and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking programs for you.

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
April, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
 1.  A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears
 2.  The Culture of Fear
 3.  Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious.
 4. "What's going to happen to me?"
 5.  Reaching Out
 6.  Respecting Different Coping Styles
 7.  Tips for Coping with Fear
 8. Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around
 9.  "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"
By Elayne Savage, PhD

This week marks the 10th anniversary of the killings at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. Twelve students and a teacher were killed.

Students Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris did the killing. They felt taunted, teased and ostracized by peers for 'being different.'  They reportedly joked about seeking revenge for these injustices.

A friend says, "They were tired of those who were insulting them, harassing them. They weren’t going to take this anymore, and they wanted to stop it."

And so they did. On April 20, 1999, they armed themselves with shotguns, handguns and a semi-automatic. They tormented and killed twelve classmates and a teacher. Twenty-five more were wounded.

A Night of Calming the Columbine Fears

On that April day, long into the night and into the morning, I was on the air with the host of a Denver radio program. Together we tried to try to help residents make sense of the tragedy. To help them deal with the overwhelming anguish. To listen to their fears.

Callers jammed the phone lines, desperate to understand what happened in their community that morning. Why did it happen? How did it happen? And they wondered: "What will become of us?" 

Fear.

The radio host wanted me to stay on with him for another hour or two. I just couldn't. After almost five hours I was emotionally spent. Listening to the fear in everyone's voices hour after hour was too much for me. I was numb.

This experience shook me to my core. And ten years later, I'm still deeply affected.

The Culture of Fear

Since the time of that tragedy, fear has been galloping through this country at breakneck speed.

The horrific attacks of 9-11 occurred two years later, and The Politics of Fear erupted, playing to our fears and anxieties. Terrorism. Anthrax scares. Gay Marriage. Immigrants. Disease epidemics. And now, the Economy. A culture of fear has been permeating and fraying the fabric of our country. And we feel vulnerable. Helpless.

Fear is a hot item on the airwaves, bandwidth and print. With each tragedy, natural disaster, series of killings and acts of terror, the fear quotient gets ramped up.

The art of instilling fear is reaching new highs. Sometimes I imagine a scenario where media folk and politicians attend fear-mongering school to learn how to talk it up to its best advantage. The evening news provides us with a regular dose of catastrophe. If there is a crime or drug or disaster story, it leads the newscast. As the saying goes, "If it bleeds, it leads!"

Whether or not you agree with Michael Moore's motivation in 'Bowling for Columbine,' the 2002 film makes some important points about how fear dominates society in the US. He theorizes that fear leads to using guns to settle disputes in this country.

When this film was made there were 7 million guns to 10 million households in Canada yet there were 151 people shot and killed in Canada compared to 11,798 in the US. Rates for Japan, England, Australia and Switzerland were all under 100. Germany was 373.

Here is a section of film dialogue describing why many Canadians feel safe enough to leave their doors unlocked:

    When we lock the door, we're
    imprisoning ourselves inside . . .

    I have family that lives
    in the States.

    They used to live in Canada
             
    And it's so different.
    They get afraid more easily.

    Canada's more just, like,
    "Let's negotiate,
    let's work something out."

    Where the States is,
    "We'll kill you and that'll be the end of that."

Fear Is in the Air and It's Contagious

In the seven years since the release of 'Bowling for Columbine,' fear seems to be even more built into the culture. It used to be we would go from one traumatic event to another. In between our fears and anxieties would subside - until the next tragedy occurred.

It is different now. Fear is in the air and it's contagious. It's been a bumpy ride and most of us are scared. Dazed. Numbed. Stunned. Immobilized. We go to bed scared and we wake up scared. 

Apprehension touches people around us – family, friends and colleagues. One person catches it from another, like a bad cold or mean flu. The anxiety that results can lead to a kind of paralysis. It's hard to think or act.

There's something else in the air. Let's call it helplessness and uncertainty. When these fears are rooted in childhood experiences, a child-like fright takes over.

Childhood fear was usually connected to some kind of loss. Perhaps your childhood friend moved away. Or you transferred to another school across town or to another state. Or an older brother or sister went away to school, leaving a void in your heart.

Maybe it felt like you lost a parent for a while if there was a separation or divorce. Or if there was a serious illness in your family. Or if someone important to you died.

These cumulative experiences affect how you cope with present losses.

What's Going to Happen to Me?

A small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

When we are all grown up, but again feeling scared and insecure, we may find ourselves asking the same question. And needing reassurance.

This point is worth remembering. As a child or young adults you may have experienced setbacks that seemed overwhelming at the time. You had not yet accumulated the life experience to know that it's not the end of the world. Things do get better. In the midst of present day misfortunes, it's worth reminding yourself that things will get better again.

As a workplace coach and psychotherapist I'm hearing lots of stories about the impact of the economy. Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering. And fear is dominating people's lives.

Loss is the theme in just about every conversation: Loss of jobs, Loss of income. Loss of homes. Loss of savings. Loss of routine. Loss of independence. Loss of security. And with all of this comes Loss of identity and well-being and self-esteem.

And again, the small voice asks, "What's going to happen to me?"

What a lonely feeling fear can be. Your tendency may be to retreat and suffer in silence. At times like these it can be difficult to make yourself
connect with others. It helps to reach out.

Reaching Out

Can you connect with others to talk about these losses and fears? A partner or friend is ideal. A counselor, coach or psychotherapist is another good option. Social networking and forums work, too.

Can you put words to your worries and fears? Then hear yourself say the words out loud. Even if you write in a journal, read your words out loud to yourself. Yes, out loud.  It makes all the difference.

When pressure is building it needs to go somewhere. If we don't talk out our feelings, we act them out.

Acting out is one way of releasing tension. It takes many forms. Some of us pick fights, antagonize, fly into rages, or slam doors. Or we might engage in excessive behaviors.

But acting out is not always active. It can be passive as well, such as foot-dragging, “yes, butting,” sulking, and giving someone the silent treatment.

All of these behaviors are ways we deal with the anxiety that builds when we’re not able to put words to our feelings, worries and fears.

Respecting Different Coping Styles

Talking to your partner or friend is a good idea, however sometimes it doesn't work too well. What if you don’t feel supported by the other person? What if you both have different ways of handling upsetting situations? What if you have different coping styles? What if you feel the other person doesn’t understand you?

We all have different ways of dealing with stress, anxiety, and fear. We learn our coping skills (or lack of them) from our family and cultural experiences.

- One person may withdraw, experiencing a kind of paralysis, while the other person mobilizes and becomes over-active.

- Another may cocoon, preferring alone time, while the other needs to increase their contact with others.

- Sometimes one is less inclined to talk about feelings and the other talks so much that it's hard to listen anymore.

If either of you feels discounted, you're most likely feeling rejected. Before you know it, someone is taking something personally. Feelings get hurt.

Unless both of you can respect each others individual styles, misunderstandings and hurt can lead to anger and resentment. Resentment takes up so much space in relationships that there's barely room for connection. And connection is what's so important now.

Tips for Coping with Fear

Truth be told, we often put much more energy into avoiding fear than we do in dealing with it. Would you like some practical ideas for managing fear?

- Give yourself permission to be afraid. Say out loud what your worst fear is. Put a name to it. Talk it out with someone if possible.

- 'Walk alongside yourself.' Gain some distance from the situation to see it more clearly. Try separating the “now” of the present moment from the “then” of unpleasant childhood experiences. This frees you up from becoming overwhelmed by your feelings.

 - This objectivity allows you to choose to make a different response.

- Make a plan. This provides structure and reassurance. And being pro-active helps balance the feeling of helplessness that can creep in.
-
 - Know that your partner, friends or colleagues may deal with fear differently than you. Don’t compare. Honor the differences rather than feel threatened by them.

And in case you missed it, the March 2009 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection' e-letter has more tips on dealing with fear (loss and anger, too.)
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2009/03/index.html

Unblocking Your Energy and Moving It Around

These ideas from my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection' may be helpful:

Visualize a honeycomb. The energy takes the form of warm, thick, sweet, amber-colored liquid, constantly moving through the interconnected tunnels.  As the energy flows, a wondrous transformation takes place. Notice how the negative messages of childhood take on new qualities as they flow from space to space. 

As the energy changes from life-depleting to life-sustaining, it provides sustenance, allowing room for your needs and wants, and encouraging clear boundaries. Then the energy develops new vitality, permitting choices and enhancing good communication.  And it keeps on moving, flowing. Moving and flowing.

Do you find yourself feeling like a scared little child, sitting paralyzed on the sofa, for hours or days?  Maybe it seems like you've been living in a cartoon. Things don't seem real to you, you're not a part of time.  Sometimes I feel like that myself.

When you're feeling helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. When it becomes hard to think or act. Try to move. 

Move your fingers or your toes, or your body. Try to get that energy flowing. Once you do even a small amount of movement you are no longer stuck. 

If you can remember to move your finger back and forth, then your arm, you have just made a choice to reconnect with your body. Self-soothing works here too. By gently stroking your hand or your arm or your shoulder, you activate energy.

Try pressing the thumb of one hand into the palm of the other. Apply enough pressure to bring yourself back to consciousness, and to your feelings. You have just brought time back into the picture.

Once you create options for yourself, you don't feel so paralyzed. Once you open up a little, and let the energy flow, you'll be tapping in to a sense of your power.

Watch the energy spread, growing into self-acceptance and creativity. Marvel at how it fills you with a new experience of yourself and new ways of relating to others.

"Don't Fear Change. Change Fear"

Morphizm.com reviews film, music and culture. It's a cool site that gets it right when it proclaims: "Don't Fear Change. Change Fear."

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs  

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

Fear, Anger and Outrage

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
March, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Fear, Anger and Outrage
2. Rage is 'Anger with a History'
3. Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
4. Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
5. Loss of Trust
6. Loss Feels Like Rejection
7. Tips for Coping with Fear
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Fear, Anger and Outrage
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I was about to send out an e-letter on Fear and Disappointment. That was before the AIG bonus reaction headlines began screaming: "Outrage." "Outrage." "Outrage."

References to "Populist Rage" and "Bailout Rage" abound. Note how the word 'anger' is barely used. The operative word appears to be 'Rage.'

'Rage' is a powerful word describing a powerful emotion.

Let's look at 'rage' and how is it is different from 'anger.' We can then see if 'rage' is what we're really feeling. Or is it what the media says we should be feeling? Next we can look at the connection between rage, anger and fear.

First I want to give you my definition of rage based on over 25 years as a psychotherapist, communication coach and workplace trainer.

Rage is 'Anger with a History'
In my writing and speaking programs I define rage as 'anger with a history.' Rage is an emotion beyond anger. The way I see it, anger relates to something happening in the present and reflects “now” feelings. By contrast, rage arises from overwhelming, sometimes unbearable feelings from the past.

A distressing event in the present can become unbearable when it reminds you of past painful experiences. These negative events collect in your memory. Before you know it, you’re overreacting and feeling out-of-control.

Old injustices stockpile into a repository of rage, just waiting to be disgorged.
When a similar event happens in the present, the stockpile ignites and you are having an intense reaction against those past injustices.

These strong feelings arise from perceived mistreatment at the hands of others. Perceived injustices. Betrayals. Disappointments and Loss. Road rage is a good example of how easily folks can overreact.                 http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_roadrage.htm

If you are aware when your anger moves into rage, you might be able to slow down the process. Ask yourself if you are reminded of an incident from your history. Does it conjure up images when a parent or teacher did not support or defend you? Or times when peers treated you unfairly. Or times somebody important disappointed you terribly.

Scratch the Surface of Anger and You'll Find Fear
Even though rage is 'anger with a history,' it is still anger. Most often when you scratch the surface of anger, you'll find fear.

When you find yourself angry ask yourself:
"What am I afraid of?"
"What might happen?"
Once you begin to get a handle on it, write it down. Then read it out loud to yourself:

"I’m afraid that _____________."

Hearing yourself say the words gives form, shape, color, and texture to the fear and makes it more manageable.

Fear and anger are connected emotions. The 'Flight or Fight' response to stress shows how this is so. When we are faced with a stressful situation, we respond in one of two ways. By fear or anger. We protect ourselves from harm by running and hiding (flight) or by becoming angry and aggressive (fight).

We can also see the connection between fear and anger in other aggressive behaviors. The bully is a good example. The bully puffs him or herself up because underneath that tough exterior lies fear and vulnerability.

Anger (within reason) can be a good balance to fear. Anger is energizing whereas fear is energy draining. Anger at the AIG bailout and bonuses may be serving a useful purpose. It may serve to energize folks when they are feeling depleted, depressed, helpless or immobilized by the economic situation.

The feeling of helplessness is the scariest of all for some of us.

So let's talk a little about fears in this shaky economy.

Apprehension seems to be touching just about everyone. It's contagious. One person catches it from another. How is it affecting you? As anxiety grows, a kind of paralysis sets in. You may feel helpless, afraid, immobilized, dazed, numbed, or stunned. It's sometimes hard to think or act.

Tensions are great. Stress is rampant. Relationships are suffering.

Loss permeates all of this. Loss of jobs is accompanied by loss of income and loss of identity. Loss of homes or savings is permeated with loss of security and loss of well being. And for some, there is a loss of hope.

Coming face to face with loss and the fear of loss is difficult. This becomes even more complicated if it reminds you of a painful loss from your early years.

Unrealistic Expectations are Setups for Disappointment
Unmet expectations are another form of loss. As a child did you feel disappointed in someone or something? Perhaps someone made a promise they didn't deliver on. Or you didn't feel supported or defended in the face of perceived danger. Or you found out you couldn't count on someone you thought you could trust. These experiences stockpile, just waiting for the next disappointment to occur.

Who among us hasn't believed exaggerated promises or engaged in some wishful thinking or put someone on a pedestal? And then we watch them tumble off. Splat. 

Thinking positively and having hope is constructive. We just have to keep our expectations realistic. When they are too big they come crashing down to reality.  Unrealistic expectations are setups for disappointment, disillusionment, and resentment. When we're too invested in a certain outcome, we tend to take disappointment personally.

Loss of Trust 
Another loss you may be struggling with is loss of trust. This includes the powerful feelings of disloyalty and betrayal. Can you see how losing your job might feel unfair? Or disloyal? If you trusted promises of security that don't materialize, it may feel like betrayal.

Loss Feels Like Rejection
There's another layer of complexity here. Each of these losses and disappointments can feel like rejection or self-rejection. Rejection is feeling "dissed" in some way: Disrespected for sure. Also dismissed, discarded, dispensable, discounted, or dishonored.

When you are wounded at such a deep place, it's hard not to take it personally.

You may perceive yourself to be a target. You tend to see someone's actions as a personal affront. You feel slighted, or wronged, or attacked. This is what taking it personally is all about.

And because taking things personally is related to feeling rejected in some way, you may find your fear of rejection intensifies as well.

When you feel an injustice has been done, you may fear getting hurt again. The hurt may become anger and resentment. When old feelings of injustices from the past bubble up as well, the anger can turn into rage.

Since fear is the underbelly of anger, finding ways to cope with your fear is a good beginning.

Tips for Coping with Fear
- Give yourself permission to be afraid. These are unsettling times. However try not to cross the line into biting the 'fear bait' that gets thrown out by the media and politicians.

- Put a name to your worst fear. Say it out loud.

- Talk it out with someone if possible. Hearing yourself say what you most fear works wonders.

-  Make a plan. It provides structure and reassurance.

- Try not to take disappointments personally. It takes so much energy. Remind yourself, "This is not about me."

Master Yoda says, "“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

More on our fears and their childhood roots next month. With more tips, too. (Unless something else in the news calls out for attention again.)

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Until next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
February, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
2. 'The Other Plane Crash'
3. Making Losses Real
4. My Secret Hope Comes True
5. The Community Pitches In
6. Really Great Detective Work
7. A Reunion of Survivors
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Out of the Ashes – A Joyous Reunion of Grief
By Elayne Savage, PhD

The community of Swaledale, Iowa is joining my brother and me in grieving a plane crash that happened 55 years ago. With compassion and understanding they are inviting us to experience a kind of kinship. An acceptance of us.

These many years Lee and I have been searching for information about the plane crash that killed our mother and grandmother. And now we have some answers.

This coming together of community started three weeks ago when my brother, Lee Raskin, wrote a short piece memorializing the 50th Anniversary of the deaths of Buddy Holly, J.P. (The Big Bopper) Richardson and Richie Valens. They died when their single-engine Beech-Bonanza crashed into an Iowa cornfield during a snow storm.

You're probably familiar with 'The Day the Music Died,' Don McLean's song about the loss of these musicians. And you may remember the line "So bye bye Miss American Pie . . ." But do you know that 'American Pie' is the nickname the locals bestowed on the red and white Bonanza?

'The Other Plane Crash'
With each mention of that crash we're reminded our mother and grandmother died five years earlier in a cornfield just a few miles away.

Their Braniff DC-3 was forced down during a violent rainstorm, as they approached the Mason City, Iowa airport. Not every one died. Seven people survived, including the flight hostess.

Lee and I just learned that Elwin Musser, the Mason City Globe Gazette photographer, took the photos of both plane disasters. We also learned that he is still living in Mason City and that there are unpublished photos of the crash. We'd like to see them.

So Lee emailed John Skipper, editor of the Globe Gazette, trying to make direct contact with Mr. Musser. Lee included his 50th Anniversary tribute where he describes 'the other plane crash.'

Lee writes, "Coincidentally, it was the second notable air crash within five years that occurred near the farming town of Mason City, Iowa.  On August 22, 1954, a Braniff Air DC-3 crashed while approaching the Mason City Airport during a violent thunder and hail storm.

"In that DC-3 air disaster, twelve of nineteen on board were killed. The majority of those killed were sitting on the same side of the plane that cart-wheeled into a corn field. Among the dead were Sarah Wolfson and her daughter, Goldie Raskin, of Omaha, Nebraska, who were on their way to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN.

"Today, 50 years later...We commemorate Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper's musical achievements , . . I also took a moment to recall my mom, Goldie Raskin and grandmom, Sarah Wolfson . . ."

The editor, John Skipper, immediately responded. He describes how the area has been visited by celebrities the last week to memorialize 'The Day the Music Died.' He feels the real story here is about ordinary people like Lee and I who are also survivors.

And he wrote a sensitive, touching feature story about Lee, me and the DC-3. "A snapshot into the lives of two people directly affected by the crash."

http://tinyurl.com/aa7r8u

Many of you have heard my stories about the plane crash in my books and speaking programs. I reflect on the sudden loss of these two important women and the impact of that abandonment on my life.

Making Losses Real
We were not allowed to grieve in our family. We did not attend the funeral. We could not speak of my mother. My dad removed all photos of her from our house. And he sold his business and took a job traveling, so we lost him much of the time as well. Another abandonment.
Some of my perceptions of those days are chronicled in 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_mothersplane.htm

and in 'Who's Protected in Holding Back Painful Photos?'
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/article_photos.htm
(By the way, this piece is relevant in current news about allowing photos of the arriving military caskets.)

My family's inept response made the loss surreal. And it stayed that way. A couple of years ago someone reminded me in order to grieve a loss it has to be made real. Then we can move on. I knew I had to find a way to make the loss real. Then it came to me: I could visit a DC-3. I found one in LA and made a 'pilgrimage' in March, 2007. It was a moving and life-changing experience for me.
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

Just recently, my professional speaker colleague, Jason Gore, who pilots a small plane discovered a local DC-3. He arranged a visit and brought along his camcorder to capture my experience in a series of interviews.

And in the mysterious ways of the Universe, this latest pilgrimage happened to take place only three days before my brother contacted the Mason City newspaper editor.

My Secret Hope Comes True
Truth be told, each time I go public with my story, I've secretly hoped someone would recognize the circumstance and contact me. I would fantasize them saying: "I knew someone who survived that crash" or I know a family who lost someone on that plane" or "I grew up on a nearby farm and witnessed the crash." 

Well, it finally happened. When the Globe Gazette article appeared, witnesses stepped forward.

I pinch myself as each day brings new contact with someone wanting to share their impressions with us.

People from the Swaledale farming community have never forgotten that August 22 day. They are still deeply affected. They often think of the scene. Vivid memories stay with each of them. Sometimes nightmares.

The Community Pitches In
We are so grateful to hear their stories about how the Swaledale community pitched in to help with the injured and to protect the dead until the officials got organized. They tell us how neighbors volunteered for search and rescue until ambulances could get through the mud, torrential rain, tall corn. They used their tractors to remove gawkers' cars from blocking the road so the rescue vehicles could get through. They used barn doors as stretchers.

We were mesmerized by Karen's stories about how her neighbors worked together to help out. Karen was about my age at the time the plane crashed on her family's farm. We were moved by Larry's account of how he helped his Dad with the search and rescue. He, too, was 12 years old. We learned more details about those who died and those who survived from Karen's brother Keith who also participated in search and rescue. He was 15 years old.

I'm fascinated to learn that two of the residents who contacted us were my age at the time – 12 years old. How fast we all grew up that day. How our lives changed when we were all made aware of how fragile a human life is. 

Really Great Detective Work
Reading the articles, Lee and I noticed some of the listed survivors were in their twenties at the time of the crash. Is it possible they might be alive today? Could we find them?

We decided to try to locate the flight hostess and the passenger whose life she saved by dragging her across muddy fields, over fences and to the road. She flagged down a truck and the owner of the farm drove them both to the hospital.

Lee is a fantastic investigator. He was able to trace both women and determine their married names. When the trails got cold I helped out a bit and came up with current addresses.

We located both of them and made contact!

Can you imagine what it is like for us to talk to these women? And how wonderful it feels to pave the way for them to reconnect with each other after all these years?

Can you picture how joyful it is to join with the Swaledale community in this reunion of grief? Fifty-five years later. The word that comes to my mind is 'rejuvenating.'          

For 55 years Lee and I have lived with this unhealed wound. Every year we dread the arrival of August 22 because of the memories it brings. We've existed in our narrow little world of memories. Feeling 'different' from our school friends, rarely talking about our past. It was always awkward to try to explain that our mother died in a plane crash. People just don't know how to respond.  So we said nothing.

We were stunned to hear that our own experience is shared by the Swaledale community. Now we understand how the crash which changed our lives forever has affected others as well.

A Reunion of Survivors
Knowing we are part of this reunion of survivors is an incredible experience. Now that we have discovered one another, we are able to be a small comfort for each other. Even the newspaper editor wrote me about the personal affect our story has on him. "Thank you for the opportunity to tell your story and to open another door in my life." He reflects how my article, 'My Mother's Plane Keeps Crashing' is a reminder that not everyone can move on as easily as others.

When he published this 'snapshot' of us did he have any idea what a huge door he was opening for all of us survivors to come together as community?

This story is taking on a life of it's own. It is becoming a journey of strength and gratitude and renewed hope.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Chasing Childhood Memories – Another Chapter

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
January, 2009

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Chasing childhood memories – Another chapter
2. The sisters and the 'cookie lady'
3. Begging food on Yom Kippur
4. Milton Berle and the TV dinners
5. A life of its own
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Chasing a Childhood Memories – Another Chapter
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just talked to my very first boyfriend.  I was about six years old
and we lived in DC. His name is Walter.

He asked on the phone, " I don't know if you remember me?" "Of
course I do," Then I blurted out, "I always tell people you were my
first boyfriend." 

Silence.  Oh, Oh. Maybe that was a dumb thing to say. Walter
started laughing, "I tell everyone the same thing."

In the December issue of 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'
I wrote about chasing childhood memories and how it all started
with an e-Christmas card. About how the image got me thinking
about going to Christmas Eve Mass with two childhood friends
from DC.

As I wrote that e-letter, I asked myself why I was so drawn to
recalling childhood memories. Was it comforting to go back in
time to a safer, simpler time? And I'm wondering, is it the same
for you?

The Sisters and the 'Cookie Lady'

These two sisters, Linda and Marie, were my playmates.
Their mom was the 'cookie lady' of my early childhood. I just loved
time spent at their house. It was so welcoming and always smelled
yummy - of freshly baked cookies.

I searched the Internet and found their 'baby' brother, Sonny
in Florida. Linda and Marie are living in Florida as well. Sonny
promised he'd tell both sisters about my efforts to contact them.

I just missed their mom, though. She died only six weeks before
my phone call. 

Each sister recalls how their mother has remembered me over
the years. Wow. I can't tell you how touched I am that their mom
spoke of me with the same fondness that I remember her.

I think I'm going to cry.

And would you believe that Marie says just five days before I contacted the family, she was reminiscing to her husband about her two DC playmates, me and Barbara.

If you missed my story about how I searched for and found this
family, you can read it at
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/12/index.html

(And a side note about six degrees of separation: Sonny was telling
long-time friends from Indiana about my phone call. He happened to
mention I am an author. The guy, a psychotherapist was incredulous.
"Some of my clients were just talking about Elayne Savage's 'Don't
Take It Personally!'" Small world, isn't it?)

Linda, Marie and I have been staying connected on the phone now. We share
memories of our childhood. Funny. Neither of them recalls those
Christmas Eve Masses that stand out so vividly in my memory.

Begging Food on Yom Kippur

The sisters tell some wonderful stories about experiences we shared.
Like when Barbara and I would show up at their house around lunch time on Yom Kippur.

We made sure we stayed around while they ate. Marie recalls "It was like you
were begging for food. You guys were supposed to be fasting. I thought that was the biggest sin ever. But my mama said, 'Now Marie, just let
them be. If they are wanting food that badly, they must be really
hungry.'" I suspect we were hungry for those fresh-baked cookies!

Linda has a backyard photo of us tucked away somewhere. She's
searching for it.

Milton Berle and the TV Dinners

So Linda, Marie and I decided to try to find Barbara too. Wouldn't
it be cool if the four of us could reconnect? I was the oldest of
the bunch. Linda and Marie are 13 months apart. Barbara was the
youngest.

I have fond memories of times spent with Walter and Barbara.
Every Tuesday evening I'd make the trip across the alley to their
house. You've probably guessed why. We didn't have a TV set
and they did.

We'd gather in their living room in front of the TV console. Each
of us had a metal folding table in front of us. Their mom would
bring in piping hot aluminum containers of turkey, peas and mashed
potatoes. Probably the first genre of TV dinners on the market.

We were there for one reason only. To watch Milton Berle and
the Texaco Star Theater:

"Oh, we're the men of Texaco
We work from Maine to Mexico
There's nothing like this Texaco of ours!

Our show is very powerful
We'll wow you with an hour full
Of howls from a shower full of stars.

We're the merry Texaco men
Tonight we may be showmen
Tomorrow we'll be servicing your cars!

...And now, ladies and gentlemen... America's number one television
star... MILTON BERLE!"

With memories like these to encourage me, I searched the Internet
for Walter. And I found him — just outside of DC. It was easy. The
Washington Post had written about his business a few years ago.
There was even a photo.

Linda called him first. Then she immediately called me to say that
sadly we missed out on finding Barbara. She had recently died.

So two deaths occurred before I got around to making these phone
calls. The cookie lady and Barbara.

A Life of Its Own

Yet, this story of reconnection seems to take on a life of it's own.
It just keeps going and going.

First there's the joy of renewing friendships with Marie and Linda.
Finding them has been good for my soul. Now Walter and I are sharing
memories, too. Funny thing though. He says he has no memory of us
watching Milton Berle at his house every Tuesday.

I can see how finding old friends and remembering these childhood
experiences recalls a safer, more secure time. A comforting feeling
in the uncertainty of today's complexities, Insecurities and
disequilibrium.

It's nice for the opportunity to experience and write about this kind of
soul-nourishing acceptance and connection. And trust. And hope.

Until next month.

Elayne

© 2009 Elayne Savage, PhD
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230

2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Chasing Childhood Memories

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
December, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Chasing Childhood Memories
2. Special times with a special family
3. Pretty decent detective work
4. Another year over: A new one  just begun
5. Contacting Elayne

Chasing Childhood Memories
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Memories are flooding back. From the moment I opened the
luminescent Holiday e-card.

Maybe it was the image of the church spire in the snow. Or the
accompanying John Lennon/Yoko Ono musical message. Or maybe
because I'm feeling especially sentimental right now.

And the memories keep coming. Each one brighter than the one
before. Superimposed. Memories of that shy, awkward six year old
in Washington, DC. Memories of my playmates Linda and Marie.
Memories of Christmas Eve Mass with their family.

Linda and Marie were sisters, about a year apart. They lived down
the block from me. Sometimes we played together.

I lived on 15th Street, NE. They were on Downing Street. At least
that's where their front door faced. Come to think of it, though,
I never used their front door. I always walked from my back alley
to their back alley. Into their back yard and through their
kitchen door.

I remember the times they invited me to Christmas Eve Mass. Now mind you,
this was way before the days of ecumenical  exchanges.

So, I'd be sitting in a pew with the family. Other parishioners
would ask, "Who is this visitor?"  I was introduced as the Jewish girl
from up the street. I remember the looks of surprise. That this friend
would come to their church to celebrate Christmas Eve Mass. I bet
they had never entertained a little Jewish girl at Christmas Eve Mass
before.

I've attended a few Christmas Eve Masses over the years. These are
very special to me. Mostly because I'm reminded of those DC days
sitting in church with my friends.

Special Times with a Special Family

I'll never forget the special times shared with this family.

I guess the mom was one of the 'cookie ladies" in my life. I loved the
time I spent at their house. It always smelled of freshly baked cookies.

I remember the excitement when a brand
new baby brother joined the household.

I don't think Linda and Marie came to my house much. Playmates
weren't invited into my house very often. Relatives didn't come over
either. It must have had something to do with my Mom's fears and
insecurities.

So here I am, getting all nostalgic about these childhood friends, their
mom, and the memories of Christmas Eve Mass.  And then I got curious
about Linda and Marie. Maybe I can find them.

Pretty Decent Detective Work

I tried Googling them.

Would you believe their names came up in a genealogy chart?  With a
birthplace listed as Washington, DC. And it mentioned a brother, Sonny.

First I tried to contact the family tree administrator. I kept running
into dead ends.  I found three or four email addresses. Each came
back 'undeliverable.' I even found a phone number for him.

I tried it.  Disconnected.

Then I had another idea.  Why not Google the baby brother. I found
the name mentioned on a couple of music websites.  But it seemed
to be very old information.

Well, let's see here. I wasn't about to give up. Hmmmmm.  "Sonny" is
probably a nickname for "Junior." Back I went to the genealogy chart.
And I found their dad's name.

I tried that. Bingo.

I did a people search and found someone with that name. The birth
date listed would be about the right time. I found a name, address,
phone number. Not just for him, but for the mom, too.

I searched some more. I found what looks to be a workable email
address. I wrote. It bounced back 'undeliverable.' Another disappointment.
Then I found another email address. I wrote again. No response.

I took a deep breath, overcame any fears of rejection I might have,
and dialed the phone number.  He answered. He had not received the
email. We talked a long time.

While we were talking, his sister Linda happened to phone him. He told
her about me. It's only a matter of time until I talk to Linda. And to Marie. It's possible
of course that they don't remember me. But that's OK. I remember them.
And their wonderful mom.

The mom has been living with the brother the last few years. Interestingly
the phone number I had was actually hers.

I just missed her.  She died six weeks ago.

This journey to the past all started with the e-card and music from Jim Sanfilippo, the man who keeps my website going.

With his permission, I'm sending the card to you.
http://www.technicalwebsitedesign.com/misc/happyholidays_2008.htm

Another Year Over - A New One Just Begun

'So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun . . .

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear'

John Lennon and Yoko Ono's Happy Christmas from 1971
is one of my favorites.

Perhaps Jim's card and accompanying music will touch you in some way,
too. I hope so. Enjoy.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

Wishing you Happy Holidays.

Until next month.

Elayne

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

AND if you or your group can benefit from  how not to take
rejection so personally, let's talk about tailoring one of my
speaking program for you.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation and Gratitude

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
November, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives Appreciation and     Gratitude
 2. A Generous Helping of Gratitude
 3. Ample Appreciation
 4. Smoothing Out the Ripples
 5. Appreciate That You Can Take Good Care of Yourself
 6. And On A Personal Note
 7. Contacting Elayne
 8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Reinventing Thanksgiving - New Perspectives on Appreciation
and Gratitude
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Thanksgiving this year takes on a whole new meaning. Gloom and
doom permeates the economic landscape.  it becomes more difficult
to feel grateful. 

And yet, isn't that Thanksgiving is all about? Giving thanks? Many
families even have a Thanksgiving tradition where each person
at the table gives thanks for what they are grateful for.

Why not use this time to reconsider and perhaps change our perspective
a bit?

A GENEROUS HELPING OF GRATITUDE

My friend, Mike Robbins,  in his book 'Focus on the Good Stuff'' (John
Wiley & Sons) has a lot to say about gratitude: "When we focus on
what we are grateful for, we alter not only our perspective, but also our
state of being. In fact, feeling and being grateful is a great way to
transform our negativity: it can help snap us out of a bad mood, get us
back on track, and keep us moving forward in a positive direction."

Mike suggests  how  you can create more gratitude in your life:
"Keep a Gratitude Journal
Share your Gratitude with others.
Create a morning or evening Gratitude ritual.
Ask people what they are grateful for."
http://www.Mike-Robbins.com

AMPLE APPRECIATION

Another friend, Sally Strackbein, offers these encouraging ideas about
appreciation: 

"It took some practice for me to shift from noticing what's wrong to
noticing what's right.

Some people will tell you to start a gratitude journal. It doesn't have to be
about gratitude. It's about point of view. You don't need to be grateful
when you see a happy child. Just let the joy waft over to you.

You could be grateful when you hear beautiful music, but that would
change your perspective from noticing the music to noticing your hearing.
It's easier to just pay attention. Just notice the nice then, little by little, you
will find your mood getting more and more positive.

And yet, the our losses from the economic downturn experiencing, we
can find ways to open our eyes and appreciate in a different way.
Here's how you can protect yourself from the negativity trap and
shift to the bright side.

As you go about your day, ask yourself, "What do I see, hear, smell, taste,
or touch that I like?"
Take a moment right now and notice your surroundings. What
 do you notice
that you like?  Start with small, inconsequential things.
What else? See how easy that was? Make a note in your calendar to
look for the good stuff. When you are positive, you attract positive into
your life. Isn't that what you want?" 
http://www.DefiningStory.com

I, too, have a favorite way of opening up to the world around me: When
I take a walk, even around the block, I remind myself to breathe in the
colors around me - houses, plants, flowers, sky.This simple act has a
powerful effect on my senses.

Wouldn't it be great if the daily onslaught of bad news opens our eyes
to enhanced appreciation and gratitude?

SMOOTHING OUT THE RIPPLES

In the meantime, Thanksgiving is approaching. Here are some tips for
helping those sometimes rocky family gatherings go as smoothly as
possible. Sometimes the cast of characters that shows up is like watching
Theatre of the Absurd.

These tips, just in case you can use them, will help you get through the
Holidays:

- Uncle Walter is baiting you again with his political rants. DON'T BITE.
Avoid doing the fish and the fisherman routine. Be direct and tell him you
don't want to discuss that subject.

- Oh, no, Aunt Helen showed up. Her unrelenting teasing makes you feel so self-conscious. She's embarrassed you ever since you can remember. She
sees your discomfort and goes full steam ahead. "You always were too
sensitive," she bellows. You want to crawl under the table and disappear.

- This is a good time for a deep breath. Maybe several. Breathing
slowly ten times will usually help to take the charge off of the
situation.

By the way, ignoring her negative behavior helps to extinguish it.

- Dad is drinking too much again. He’s making comments about your weight
and broadcasting, "You really don't need that second slice of pie." You feel
rejected and humiliated. What do you do?

Remember you have CHOICES now. When he teased you when you were
small, you didn't know how to consider choices. Now you can remind yourself
you don’t have to stay there. You can leave the room gracefully to regain your composure.

APPRECIATE THAT YOU CAN TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

Here are some great tips for taking care of yourself:

- Excuse yourself in the living room: Before dinner, if someone
acts inappropriately, you can excuse yourself, go to the kitchen
to get a drink of water or replenish the appetizer tray.

-  Excuse yourself in the dinner table, you can always say a
simple, "Excuse me, I'll be back," walk into the bathroom, close
the door, take a few deep breaths and strategize: "OK, how do I
want to handle this? What is my plan of action here?"

These are examples of taking TIME-OUTS. Excusing yourself, breathing,
counting to ten all work wonders to regain your composure.

- Respectfully turn the tables. Try finding something you can LIKE
OR APPRECIATE about the annoying person (his or her laugh, color of
shirt, hairstyle.) During any interaction with them concentrate
that feature. When a person sees RESPECT in your eyes, he or she
is more likely to respond positively to you. It really does work.

The bottom line is: DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! Remember actions
that seem hurtful or disappointing are most likely not about you.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE
As this Thanksgiving approaches, I feel even more appreciative and grateful
for the love and support of my family and friends. I'm especially grateful for being
able to enjoy my 14 month-old grandbaby, Cora.

And even though Burt and I are no longer together, I'm grateful for the five
wonderful years of memories and adventures we made. He is an amazing
man and he will continue to have an effect on my life.

And I'm appreciative of the notes and suggestions from all of you over the
last two years.  This issue of  'Tips from the Queen of Rejection' begins our
third year.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Elayne

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Accusations, Projections and Rejections - More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
Elayne Savage, PhD
October, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
     More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
 2. Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around
 3. Littering Along the Campaign Trail
 4. The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection
 5. A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?
 6. About Those 'Blind Spots'
 7. Getting a Handle on Projection
 8. Contacting Elayne
 9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Accusations, Projections and Rejections -
More Lessons from the 2008 Election Campaign
By Elayne Savage, PhD

Last month I described intense reactions from my coaching and psychotherapy clients to the negative election campaigning. Especially unsettling were the doses of distortions, unpredictability, threats and fear, distractions, deflections and denial.

If you missed the piece, here's the link:
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/09/index.html

These days I'm hearing about another disturbing effect of this campaign: accusations appearing in the form of psychological projection. Let's take a look at some of the behaviors and how they affect our relationships. These are my impressions and are not meant to be a political statement.

Projection – Spreading the Garbage Around

Psychological projection is when one person mistakenly imagines that certain thoughts or feelings exist in the other person that they cannot acknowledge in
him or herself. They may even blame the other person for showing these feelings.

When undesirable thoughts or feelings intrude we can get anxious. Projection is an unconscious way of protecting ourselves from anxiety. It is a coping or defense mechanism for dealing with feelings we cannot come to terms with.

One woman says, “When we can’t own our own stuff, we try to give it away. I guess you could say that projection protects us from ourselves by spreading the garbage around.”

Littering Along the Campaign Trail

Every day we see examples of projection on the campaign trail. Mostly it comes in the form of accusations made by one camp about the other. Accusations about voter fraud, health care plans, tax plans, negative ads.  More accusations fly about who is to blame for the economic crisis and who is associated with the big players in the mortgage industry.

And of course there are the accusations about the accusations. Whose ads are the most negative? Who is the most disrespectful or sleazy? The word used often in the media these days is "vile."

Lately allegations are also surfacing as infighting within one of the campaigns. Team members are accusing each other of wrongdoing.

The mass of insinuations and projections in this election have been unsettling to my clients. It reminds them of all the projections they have experienced in their personal lives. Unfounded accusations from parents, sibs, teachers, or peers. Accusations that didn't fit. And no wonder. The accuser was most likely talking about him or herself. It's hard not to take finger pointing personally. It certainly feels like a personal attack.

There is an old Saturday Night Live joke about finger pointing. When someone is pointing their finger at you, remind yourself that three fingers are pointing right back at the person pointing. The SNL folks got it right. It helps put things in perspective.

It's a reminder worth repeating to yourself:
"This is not about me.
This is most likely about the other person.
They are probably talking about themselves.
What might they be saying?"

The Frantic Dance of Anxiety and Projection

So let's take a look at how projection operates and how it affects relationships.

Anytime you have unacceptable thoughts, needs, feelings, or fears your anxiety level can  shoot up. Your tendency would be to protect yourself from experiencing the anxiety associated with these thoughts and feelings. A common way is to unconsciously attribute them to others.

When thoughts or fears are too hot to handle we want to get rid of them. You might toss it over to someone else. Partners, friends or co-workers are handy recipients.

A Case of Self-Protection Through Self-Rejection?

When family or society deems something unacceptable, we tend to submerge it. We relegate it to the depths of our being. And because it's not safe to show up, these traits  become our 'shadow side.'

For example, Jerry grew up in a family where he was taught that his angry feelings are unacceptable. So he learned to bury them at an early age. As an adult he cannot acknowledge any angry feelings he may be having.

So he says to anyone who will listen, "I never get angry."  Well, he probably does. He just doesn't recognize the feeling as anger.

So what does Jerry do with this anger? How does he deal with the anxiety it creates? He might unconsciously project it onto his partner (or friend or co-worker.) He may see the other person as 'the angry one, the one with the temper.'

He may cue or prod or even provoke that person to get angry.

In other words, his partner is expressing the anger for him. While he is calmly berating his partner about overreacting, he doesn't have to experience the anger as his own.

He doesn't have to own his anger or see himself as an angry person. The anger that he can’t deal with in himself is “out there” courtesy of his partner. He can deal with it vicariously.

In a similar way, the “never sad” person sees his or her own depressed moods only in the partner. And the partner unconsciously conforms to the projection and carries the sadness for them both.

The "always honest" or "always dependable" person might see another person as untrustworthy or manipulative or unreliable. A closer look would show that these are his or her own unacknowledged tendencies. 

About Those 'Blind Spots'

I write in 'Breathing Room – Creating Space to Be a Couple': Parts of our personalities stay hidden from us because we learned at an early age that they were not acceptable to others, and, therefore, they become unacceptable to us. When we were children, we began to notice how we brought on someone’s displeasure by displaying certain emotions or behaviors. We said or did “bad” things that were rejected by others—so we submerged them." 
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

In other words, we learn to reject certain parts of ourselves.

These traits are so well hidden that they become our 'blind spots' and affect our relationships with others. When we can't see something, it's difficult to choose to change it.

Getting a Handle on Projection

Have you ever noticed how traits you can't tolerate in others are often the things you can’t stand about yourself? These might include your anger, your sadness, your tendency to be stubborn or flirtatious or too loud or pushy or competitive or controlling.

If you find yourself attributing feelings or thoughts to someone else why not take some time to ask yourself if you could possibly have the same trait. Could you be dealing with it by projecting it onto the other person?

In spite of the disturbing nature of the campaigning we can learn a lot about ourselves by noticing it's effect on us. Projection is all too common in relationships. It helps to get a handle on it. AND it would give self-acceptance a chance to flourish.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round — Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
September, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
 1. On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
     Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally
 2. Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens
 3. A Trainload of Personal Attacks
 4. And Then There's the Lying
 5. Bullying Someone into Action
 6. Threats and Fear
 7. The Scariness of Unpredictability
 8. Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions
 9. "You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."
10. The Trickle-Down effect
11. "What's Going to Happen to Me?"
12 . Contacting Elayne
13 . Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

On a Fast Moving Merry-Go-Round —
Taking the 2008 Election Campaign Personally

By Elayne Savage, PhD

It makes my head swim. There's a creepy rejection and deception energy swirling around as we lurch through this election campaign. It has an unsettling effect on me. I feel confused. Uneasy. Queasy. Scared.

Moreover, I'm realizing I seem to be absorbing this negativity. and it is polluting my work and personal relationships.

I'm hearing similar musings from my coaching and psychotherapy clients, friends and colleagues. They talk about being uncomfortable, "off kilter," "filled with dread." I hear phrases like:  "it's crazy-making," and "it feels like a kick in the gut." They talk about how snippy and snarly they have been with other people at home, in the workplace, in the marketplace. 

Me too. I seem to be edgy, taking things personally. Losing my cool.

Then I got it. It's the Political Campaign. We're reacting to and reflecting the outrageous behaviors and misbehaviors.  Picking up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitating it.

I began thinking this through, looking for the causes of these uncomfortable behaviors folks are describing.

Writing about it helps. Why not share my thoughts and feelings with you. so I include here a bit of an overview of some ideas I've been thinking about.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement. My descriptions are my impressions of some behaviors that appear to  exist and how they affect us.

I'm thinking that giving language and form to some of the  feelings that could be surfacing, may help us get through the election and beyond.

Using My Trusty Through-the-Rejection-Lens

So I took out my trusty through the rejection-lens and studied the creature. Up close and personal. That's the problem of course. There is way too much up close and personal in this campaign. There is an uncomfortable amount of in-your-face onslaught.

In the January 2008 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®, I wrote: "I don’t believe I’ve ever experienced political campaigning where there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and the bitterness grows each day.

I continued: "It would be difficult not to take things personally in this campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through space. Not exactly 'Ready. Aim. Fire.'  More like 'Ready. Fire. Aim.'
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/01/index.html

When I wrote those words during the primaries, I didn't dream how much the viciousness of the attacks would escalate.

A Trainload of Personal Attacks

I've never seen an election like this one and it's really getting to me. every day I I feel contaminated by the negative energy of it. I hate the way it has been affecting my interactions with others.

Maybe you, too, find yourself reacting the way I do to this bombardment of rejection messages. And every hour of every day the press reports these out of control behaviors.

'Mocking' is the Word du Jour. But last week and the week before there were lots of other rejection words: Belittling, Scoffing, Slighting, Insulting, Faulting, Deceiving. Accusing, Attacking, Criticizing. 

Then of course there are the whole range of "diss" words that I often write about: disrespecting, disdaining, dismissing, discounting, disparaging, disenfranchising and the dozens of others.

The common denominator of these words is rejection. And rejection hurts.

I cringe when I hear these stories of people disrespecting each other like this. It makes me sick to my stomach. I grew up on the receiving end of subtle and not-so-subtle rejection messages. From family, teachers and peers. Perhaps you did too.

And Then There's the Lying

I used to hate it when I was lied to as a kid. I guess I've always been overly sensitive to untruths and half-truths. I'd give myself the message that I wasn't worth respecting with the truth.

I was unbelievably sensitive to lying when I was a child. I remember asking my dad about the wall calendar hanging above my grandmother's telephone. It was a picture of a large animal standing in water. I asked him what the animal was. He made up an answer. I guess that was easier for him than saying he didn't know.  But it wasn't easier for me.

I never quite forgave my father for that.

This election is so chock-full of lies, half-truths, evasiveness and exaggerations. I even  find myself checking things out with FactCheck.org every day.

Bullying Someone into Action

The current crisis of the economy reminds me of another critical message from long ago. Someone would be commanding me to "Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up."  In order to please and not get into trouble, some of us felt the need to drop everything and rush to action or into a decision.

My own discomfort rises as I watch congress feel the need to "hurry up." My stomach knots up at the memory.

Threats and Fear

It's not too hard for me to become fearful when something sounds like a threat. I grew up with lots of that. "If you don't behave, I'll leave you in the department store." or "Wait until your father gets home."

As you can imagine, fear-based campaigning has a potent effect on me. It sends shivers up my spine. It messes with my sense of security. And affects how I
interact with others in my life.

The Scariness of Unpredictability

If you ever experienced interacting with an unpredictable family member or boss or friend, you know how it feels to be afraid.

This campaign has surely had its twists and turns and excitement. However sometimes the line gets crossed with a bit too much drama. Frankly, I can do without it. It's a little too reminiscent of my growing up experiences. Sheesh.

Evasiveness, Deflections and Distractions

Another way this election is getting to me concerns the evasions, deflections and distractions. Some of us grew up in families where you ask a question but never get a straight answer. The subject gets changed, the issue gets skirted, and you are left dangling.

My brother Lee and I would joke that our father sometimes talked like he had a mouth full of cotton. Insulating and sound-proofing himself.

I find the attempts at election event postponements quite irritating. And many of my clients say it troubles them as well. Postponements are disappointing. And disappointments feel like rejections. Especially when we have certain expectations and are looking forward to something.

Some of my clients are reminded of growing up in a divorced household. They remember how they'd look forward to a visit from mom or dad. And when it got postponed and didn't materialize, it was devastating. There's that self-rejecting message again: "They don't care enough. I'm not worth it. I'm no good."

"You Can Fool Some of the People Some of the Time . . ."

For me, the most uncomfortable and confusing part  of this whole surreal election drama is the repeated denial of present and previous statements and actions.

Denial is becoming so rampant that I'm beginning to doubt my own eyes and ears. It feels like they are telling me I didn't see it or I didn't hear it.

It reminds me of growing up experiences when it felt someone was putting cotton in my ears or pulling the wool over my eyes.

Perhaps some of you grew up with these kinds of denials as well: "That didn't happen. You must have made it up." "I didn't say that." You really didn't have a nightmare, you're imagining it."

Scottish psychiatrist, R.D. Laing calls this 'mystification.' He describes it as a 'manipulative maneuver,' an attempt to "befuddle, cloud, obscure, mask" whatever is going on.

The child's feelings are denied and the child begins to mistrust his or her own perceptions. You might say this inability to distinguish the actual issues can feel confusing, and even 'crazy making.'

Laing's article begins with: "You can fool some of the people some of the time . . . ." 

I don't like being fooled. It brings back uncomfortable childhood memories of manipulation and exploitation. Certainly brings up feelings of rejection. And all too often, the feelings of the young child become superimposed on the functioning of the adult

The Trickle-Down Effect

When I'm feeling affected by what the world is throwing at me, it helps a lot to remember the concept of 'isomorphism.' (Similar terms are 'parallel process' and 'social contagion.')

You’ve probably noticed how images in television commercials sometimes morph one into another. For example, a human face will change into a lion’s face or an antelope will transform into a car— right before your eyes.

Well, this is what happens with some interactions as well.  One process takes on the same properties as another. One contextual experience that may be old may be replicated by another experience in the present. Or two present-day situations may be similar to each other. It is a mirroring of one situation by another. A reflection of one by the other. We pick up the energy of what's going on with others, and imitate it. 

This is “isomorphism,” as we watch the character and temperament of one
candidate trickle down to staff and electorate.

Allen Roland - http://www.AllenRoland.com - calls this Rivero's Rule of mass morals. Where "organizations inherit the personality and moral ethics of the person at the very top." 

"What's Going to Happen to Me?"

The way I look at it, here is the bottom line for many of us. The experience of this campaign is similar to that of a child when parents are arguing, hurling insults, hurting each other. And in the child's mind, the family is falling apart right before their eyes. This is a very devastating time this can be.

And the child wonders, "What's going to happen to me?"

© Elayne Savage, PhD

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now. http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, PhD is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
August, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. "Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace,
    With Peers
2. Facing off with the Blackberries
3. 'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'
4. Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'
5. The 'Code of the Streets'
6. Bully-Busting Tips
7. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

"Well, Bully, Bully for You" - In Politics, The Workplace, With Peers
By Elayne Savage, PhD

OK, so this August e-letter is just under the wire. They don't 
call me 'under-the-wire-Elayne' for nothing. No excuses though.
Nor am I  going to give myself a hard time about it. That would
be self-bullying.  That's not good. I choose, instead, to be
compassionate. With myself.

I guess I have bullying on my mind these days. I know I just
wrote about workplace bullying last month.

Everywhere I turn I hear bully stories. I hear the stories from my
coaching, consultation and psychotherapy clients. I hear the
stories from workshop participants when I present a program.

Bullying stories are all around me in surround sound. Work
related, school-based, Internet-aided.

On  top of all this, there are the amplified attacks on the
political campaign trail. Bully behavior.

Each time I hear a new story or read about the latest political
barb, it reminds me how devastating a bullying experience can be.
How deeply it penetrates. How powerful an effect it can have for
years to come. Even one bad experience. Especially in childhood.

You've probably guessed I was one of those bullied children.

Facing off with the Blackberries

Something happened the other day which brought me face to face
with the memory of those old hurts. I had a surreal encounter
with a blackberry bush in my back yard. I was stretching for that
just out of reach cluster of ripe berries. And stretching. Deeper
and deeper into the thicket.

Before I knew it, the brambles wrapped around me. Tighter and
tighter. The thorns tore my skin. It was pretty scary. The
tendrils took on a life of their own.

I was in their clutches and couldn't escape. "How can this be
happening to me?"

I felt  'caught' and helpless. Not too different from that
powerless feeling of getting bullied. I wasn't taking very good
care of myself to get into this situation. Much like the times I
got bullied as a child. I walked right into it.

I managed to extricate myself but not without causing lots of
damage.

Yes, I understand bullying. I'm often interviewed about how
bullying is a form of rejection, how easy it is to take it
personally and how it affects self-esteem.

'Bullying Takes Twisted Turn for the Worse'

Recently I was interviewed by Regan McMahon for a really
informative piece on childhood bullying. It appeared on the front
page of the Sunday SF Chronicle on 8/17/08.

It's well worth reading and has great resources. Here's the link: 

http://tinyurl.com/665ru4

Memories of 'The Original Humiliation'

With each bully story I hear, with each interview I give, I am
transported back to 'The Original Humiliation.' It was that awful
incident on the Langdon School playground in Washington, D.C.
when I was mortified in front of everyone on the playground.
I was 5 years old.

I describe this experience in my first book DON'T TAKE IT
PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION:

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

"One day as I walked into school, onto the playground, the cutest boy in class came bounding up to me. He asked if he could walk me across the playground. (Me?) I was so excited--all the girls would

see me walking with him.

Then as we walked together, he asked if he could hold my hand.
(Hold my hand?) He chose me to walk with, he chose me to talk to,
he chose me to hold hands with. I was in heaven. Then suddenly I
felt a terrible sharp pain in my thumb, and he ran off.

I looked down at my thumbnail. It was bloody. He'd dug his
fingernail into my cuticle. It only took a split second for me
to go from feeling special to feeling humiliated. And besides
that, it really hurt.

It's said that we develop an image of who we are by the way we're
treated by others. If others treat us with respect, we feel
cherished and come to think of ourselves as loveable. If we're
treated with scorn, we feel reviled, and come to think of
ourselves as unlovable. When peer relationships are destructive,
scars form--that are not easily healed.

As you may have guessed, the memory of the playground incident
didn't just evaporate. It affected my ability to trust others
for many years to come.

For the longest time I kept wondering why that boy didn't like
me, what I might have done to cause him to do that to me. I'll
bet that boy had no idea he'd have such a profound influence on
my future social development."

The 'Code of the Streets'

We learn the rules of behavior on our neighborhood streets.
Respect is the essence of this "code of the streets."
Who doesn't yearn to be accorded esteem?

You learn the hard way that you're nothing without respect and
you do what it takes to get it.  On some streets this means
showing off by being the brightest, most clever or most cunning.
On other streets this means developing a talent for "dissing"
others by tough talk, bullying or aggressive behaviors. You
learn the importance of "saving face."

Growing up in DC, I was confused by how the 'lines in the sand'
got drawn in my neighborhood. One morning I'd be playing with
the girl next door. That afternoon her older brother would
threaten to beat me up.

Later the parents would lean over the row house railing and
spit on my front porch. . Did I take it personally? You bet I
did. What a bewildering and rejecting growing up experience for
a child. Bully behavior.

These were tough lessons, but I did learn from them well enough
to share my lessons with you.

Bully-Busting Tips

Here, again, are my tips for handling bullies (from the 'Don Imus
the Schoolyard Bully' e-letter:

http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html 

10 TIPS FOR BULLY-BUSTING
If you find yourself on the receiving end of bullying, remind
yourself:

    - The bully is most likely not feeling very good about him
      or herself. In fact, he or she is probably feeling
      insecure, anxious, hurting, ineffectual, or vulnerable.
          Maybe all of the above.

    - When the bully inflates him or herself, this takes up a
      lot of space. Your space. Stand your ground and keep your
      space so you won't so easily deflate and feel diminished.

    - The best defense against a bully is taking action - any kind
      of action.

    - FIRMLY tell the person that his or her behavior is not
      acceptable. Ask them to stop immediately.

    - Try to separate the "then" from the "now." Remember if you
      find yourself overreacting, early rejection messages might
      be involved here.                          

    - Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Remind yourself
      that teasing is bullying and bullies are feeling neither
      good about themselves nor powerful in that moment. When
      they bully, they are only puffing themselves up to feel
      more powerful.

    - Practice speaking up about your feelings instead of
      harboring hurt and resentment. For example, "I heard you
      say "________________." 
      When you said that it felt like
      you were teasing. Even if you didn't intend it, I found
      myself getting confused and upset.  I hope our future
      exchanges can be free of that."

    - Take a deep breath and set your personal boundaries. Then
      state your position clearly.

    - You can allow them space to vent and express
      frustration. However, you do not have to let them become
      abusive. If they do, you can firmly remind them that their
      behavior is not acceptable.

    - And remember, the best way to get someone to give YOU
      respect is to show respect to them. Think about something
      you can appreciate about the other person. It can be
      something inconsequential. Maybe their choice of colors,
      their laugh, their eyes. Then concentrate on the something.
      They'll see respect in your eyes and just maybe it'll come
      right back at ya.

You can read more on bullying and how to handle it from my
March 2008 e-letter: 'Take Those Miserable Middle School
Memories . . . Please'

http://tinyurl.com/639zgq

The long-term effects of bullying are evident by the many of
Internet responses to the SF Chronicle Bullying article. And by
the emails I received. Lots of folks described how the article
reawakened memories of earlier experiences - often from
childhood. Memories that replay again and again in their adult
lives. Mostly affecting trust.

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

You don't have to keep re-living painful memories.
Especially when they might be interfering with present day
professional or personal relationships.
Contact me to see if a consultation could be helpful to you.

'Til next month,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Workplace Nightmares Revisited

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
July, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Workplace Nightmares Revisited
2. A Sick Sense of Humor
3. The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve
4. Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?
5. The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Workplace Nightmares Revisited
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I really dreaded attending the memorial service for my friend
Bill last month. My workplace experiences with Bill leave fond
and rich memories. And I expected there'd be folks at the service
I'd be glad to see.

Yet, the amount of anxiety I felt was huge.

I envisioned being stuck in the same room with people I did not
want to see. People who elicit very unpleasant memories from my
days (years!) in Child Welfare in the City and County of San
Francisco. I didn't know who I would run into. I just hoped I
wouldn't feel the need to run out of there.

During my many years at that agency I felt unappreciated and
disrespected. And at times, even used and abused.

No wonder I was feeling anxious about seeing the old gang.

Would I run into someone who used to make my life miserable?
What if I'm sitting behind someone who tried to get me fired? 
What would I do if I found myself face-to-face with that
supervisor who orchestrated that memo announcing my immediate
transfer?

A Sick Sense of Humor

One morning when I was away from the office and with a client, I
got a call from my coworkers informing me I was to be immediately
transferred to another job assignment. The memo, signed
by the Program Director, had arrived on my desk that morning.

Two of my coworkers arranged to meet me for lunch.  We tried to 
reassure and console each other.

Finally, after a day of agonizing about what this transfer would
mean for me, for my clients and for my coworkers, we found out
the truth.

At 4 pm the supervisor in an adjoining unit, 'fessed up. "It was
just a little April Fool's joke," he said.

The word in the 'hood' was that he was trying to teach me a lesson.
I had recently disagreed with him about an idea he offered  at a
voluntary lunchtime ad hoc meeting. So folks thought he was
retaliating by writing that transfer memo.
He forged the signature of the Program Director.

It's interesting to note that no one even questioned that the
Program Director might send such a capricious memo. That's the
kind of dysfunctional place we were working in.

As you can tell, these many years later, I'm still upset about his
little joke.

Did I take it personally?  Well yes and no.
Coworkers were pretty sure the joke was personal because of the
retaliatory aspects.

I did, however, realize his actions were more about him and his
insecurities, then about me.

I was hurt mostly by the mean-spiritedness of it all. And upset by
getting thrown off balance by the unexpectedness of the
'assignment change.'

Old hurts can stick around a long time.

And thanks for asking. Mr. Ghosh wasn't at the memorial service so
I didn't have to run into him.

The Saga of the Bell-Shaped Curve

Another concern I had before Bill's memorial service:
What if ran into one of the supervisors who felt they had to
evaluate me as a mediocre social worker because the agency
evaluated employee performance on a bell-shaped curve?

I was many things, but I was sure I was not a mediocre
Child Welfare Worker.

As you may know, with the bell-shaped curve, any ratings out of
the middle range required written justification. That means an
outstanding rating or a poor rating means more work for the
supervisor.

Quite frankly some of the supervisors were too lazy
to write anything extra. Lucky for anyone who was a defective
employee. But this practice also meant our hard work in Child
 Welfare jobs would go unrecognized. Our strengths were not
acknowledged. We were not validated for the difficult and
thankless jobs we performed. In fact, by using the bell-shaped
curve our strengths were dismissed.  It feels a lot like
rejection!

It's hard not to take something personally when people distort the
truth to benefit themselves. Even if it's not intended, it
feels like rejection.

It's hard not to take something personally when you are
disappointed by the actions of people you look to for support.
Even if it's not intended, It feels like rejection.

I don't take kindly to rejection. I got pretty angry on that
Bell-Shaped Curve day.  If I remember correctly, I grabbed a box
of paper clips and threw them at the nearest wall. It made a big
mess.

You can bet a complaint about THAT action went into my personnel
folder that very day!

Are Performance Evaluations a Set-Up for Rejection?

Let's look a bit more at performance evaluations and how easy it
is to take them personally.

For some of us, Just having a performance review can be
nerve-wracking. Doesn't it just conjure up ALL the times from
childhood where some authority figure found you lacking in some
way. Or you feared they might.

For some of us, this is especially true of our experiences in
school.

So here you are face to face with your manager who is about to
give you a performance review. And all those old fears begin to
come up.

Truth be told, it's hard to sit there and listen to anything the
least bit critical without emotionally flooding. It's difficult to
stay grounded.

It's hard for most of us to ask intelligent questions to clear
up any confusion.
It's hard to sit calmly and check out what you think you heard
the other person say.

Instead, many of us go immediately to that old negative self-talk
place. It translates to some variation of, "What's wrong with me?"

-You may begin to doubt yourself and mistrust your judgment. This
is especially true when your superior's perception of your
performance differs hugely from your own.
-You may feel 'dissed' or demeaned
-You may get angry or hurt or both.
-You may feel blind-sided and betrayed by a manager you trusted.
-You may even tell yourself "they are out to get you."

What if I ran into the supervisor who wrote an evaluation
criticizing me for working during some lunchtimes? He was the
same one who complained on my evaluation that I was too tenacious
in doing my job. He actually tried to get me fired for that.

Bullying. Harassment. Hard not to take it personally.

Hmmmmmmm. It was pretty crazy-making to be criticized in writing
for the very same traits I consider my strengths. I would say
that tenacity and perseverance have been saving graces in my
successful endeavors. Especially publishing two books and dozens
of articles.

And what an energy drain it was to have to take the time to
counter such an evaluation.
Energy that would have been better spent concentrating on my
clients. Or myself. Or my family.

That's the thing about taking something personally and feeling
hurt and angry. It robs both work and personal relationships of
productivity and effectiveness. That's the point I make in my
speaking and training programs.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/programs.htm

The Nightmare Comes True – Up Close and Personal

As I stepped through the door of the Columbarium in San Francisco,
the first person I encountered was signing the guest book just
ahead of me.
Would you believe he was one of the people I dreaded seeing. A
perfectly nice man who was caught in the uncomfortable position of
being pushed by upper management to give me a hard time.

So what did I do?  I walked up to him, introduced myself, offered 
my hand and greeted him warmly. Once I navigated that encounter,
the rest of the day went pretty well.

I reconnected with folks I used to see but lost contact with. And I
connected with a few I really liked and appreciated but hadn't seen
in 25 years. And it looks like we're going to stay in touch. I'm grateful for
the opportunity. Thanks, Bill, for that.

© Elayne Savage, PhD

I included here a few stories about my difficult experiences
in the workplace. What about yours?  Do you have stories you'd
like to share. I'd like to hear them.

'Til next month,
Elayne
Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'^®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions
for topics you'd like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94705

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential. I
will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.
Elayne Savage

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ^®
June, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
2. The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw
3. Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships
4. A Turning Point
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
By Elayne Savage, PhD

I lost my long-time friend Bill a few days ago.  It was sudden and
unexpected. A stroke. He was dead before the day was over.

Bill is the first of my close peers to die. It's hitting me hard.

Bill and I were San Francisco Social Workers. We knew each other
casually in the late 60's. We'd pass in the hall, nod and go about
our business.

Then one day we rode the elevator together. "Hey, I hear you're a
Scorpio chick" he said in his quiet, measured way. Turns out we
both have November birthdays.

That conversation was the beginning of a Scorpio bond that has
lasted 40 years.

Somewhere along the way (25 or so years ago) we started
exchanging birthday cards. We never missed a year.

The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw

Our friendship grew when we were assigned to the same Child
Welfare Unit and we ended up sitting next to each other.

We didn't get much work done, but we talked a lot. Mostly
about our fears, our disappointments, our dreams, our fantasies.
And we exchanged some secrets, too.

One day Bill told me about his household pet. A wolf. What a
tip-off to how unique and unusual my desk mate really was. He
grinned that sly Bill grin and quoted his landlady, "That's the
damned ugliest dog I ever saw."

We did a lot of grousing about the system and the bosses and how
frustrating it was trying to make a difference with the families
we served. Thankless work, difficult work environment, but we
could support and make a difference for each other.

I learned some fascinating stuff about Bill from our wonderful
talks.

And I learned so much FROM him as well. He taught me many life
lessons.

He showed me how to figure out what the mood of the day would
be in our unit. How we could 'read' our supervisor's mood by
listening to the sound of how she walked into the office.
(Actually, this lesson refreshed an old skill I'd developed
as a child when I leaned to 'read' my parents moods and to
stay out of their way.)

One day Bill talked to me about how he was preparing for lunch
with an old friend. He carefully thought out questions in advance
that he could ask during his time with his friend. He actually
strategized the conversation. Wow. I've always totally flown by
the seat of my pants. What a revelation in conversation
possibilities.

Bill taught me how to stay sane in an insane work environment.
He taught me how to relax a little and not take my job (or myself)
so seriously.

And he taught me how to not take things so personally as well.
And that was decades before I wrote the 'Don't Take it Personally!'
book! Imagine that.

Mostly I'm grateful to Bill for opening my perspective on viewing
the world. His take on things and reflections has truly illuminated
new terrain for me over the years.

It's been 25 years since I Ieft that toxic work environment. Bill retired a
few years after I left.

Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships

I wish we had kept in touch more often. Sometimes years passed
without face-to-face contact.

Yet there were always the birthday cards.

These last years, sometimes he'd warn me a card might be a little late
because he and his wife Tuzie were in Russia or Ireland or Australia.
But the card always arrived. And it was always special. In fact, every
one was unusual. Very Bill.

And I got to choose a card to send him each year too. Shopping
for a card for him was an adventure. I put a lot of energy into
finding the 'right' statement that would honor Bill's spirit and
uniqueness.

Each friendship has its own specialness and cadence and energy.
Sometimes it's not necessary to be in direct or even frequent
contact with someone we care about.

The essence of that person is infused into our heart, mind and soul.
They become part of our being.

Bill was such a person for me. Bigger than life. And we always
seemed to be able to pick up where we left off.

Much of our contact this last year and a half has been around
my e-letters. I've loved receiving emails with his thoughtful
reflections. He'd say how something I wrote 'struck a chord' for
him.

And he'd write me his thoughts at 3 or 4am, recounting how his
memories came flooding back about a particular life experience.
Or about some conundrum. Or some vision or hope.

So now I'm struggling with the realization that there won't be
anymore thoughtful email exchanges. Or birthday cards. Or walks
and talks about the meaning of life.  Recently we experienced a
new kind of bond when I joined Bill in the ranks of
grandparenthood. There won't be any more conversations about
that, either.

A Turning Point

As I said earlier, Bill is the first of my close peers to die.
His death has brought home a reminder of the preciousness of
friendship.

I’m such an old hand at experiencing loss. I'm a little surprised
I’m having such a hard time with the loss of Bill.

I was out of town when I got the voicemail message from a friend
of his family asking me to call Bill's wife. When you get a
message like that, you know something big is up. I was totally
unprepared when Bill's wife Tuzie told me he'd had 'a massive
cerebral hemorrhage' and died the same day.

You may be thinking that my struggle with Bill's death is about
my own mortality. You are right. His death brings me face to face
with my own fears. Big time.

After all, Bill was just a few years older than me. And here's
something else as well. Something I've never told anyone. When
I was 7 years old my mom told me the story of a neighbor kid who
died of a brain hemorrhage. Looking back, I can see she was most
likely passing along to me her own anxiety about this child's
death. I grew up believing such a thing could happen to me too.

And now it has happened to Bill. So the fears of that 7-year-old
just came alive. In living color.

There's another even bigger fear present as well. My overwhelming
fear of abandonment - that people I care about will leave. I’m
especially vulnerable when partings are sudden or unexpected.

Some of you know about the plane crash that took my mother and
grandmother when I was twelve. Each time I endure a loss, I relive
the fears of that child.
Poof. They are gone and I'm alone. And the burning question
endures: "What's going to happen to me?"

Losses come in so many shapes, sizes, textures and colorations. 
And big or small, they tend to stockpile. The layers build, just
waiting to reappear whenever the next loss to appears. In order to
grieve a loss and move on, we have to make the loss real.

I guess I'm doing this by immersing myself in memories of Bill and
in saved email correspondence from him, and as I write this now.

These losses and fears are swirling around me as I write. A blast
of chill air starts in the pit of my stomach, moves to the small
of my back, up my spine to the nape of my neck and across my
shoulders.

There are moments when it's difficult to breathe. I want to
open the window and take in big gulps of air.

I want to cry, but the sound gets stuck in my throat. It comes out
as a moan. Sometimes it sounds more like a wail.
Plaintive. Forlorn. Aching.

And at the same time, I can see that my way of dealing with the
loss of Bill is a turning point for me. I can see how my ability
to take care of myself now is quite different then in times past.

That 12 year old couldn't ask for help. And when it was offered,
couldn't or wouldn't accept it. The person I am now seeks support
and comfort from people in my life. And yesterday when someone
I know heard about my loss and offered me a hug, I could receive
it. It felt good.

So Bill, I guess I can thank you for that too.

For more about loss and abandonment, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/08/index.html

For more about making loss real, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

I'd love to share more of Bill's essence with you. You can
learn more about him at
http://www.legacy.com/SFGate/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=111767191

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008

IN THIS ISSUE

1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
 2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
 3. Durable yet vulnerable
 4. Ingredients for solid relationships
 5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
 6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
 7. Creating Sacred Space
 8. An Experience in Contrast
 9. The 'Take Away'
10. Contacting Elayne
11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
By Elayne Savage, PhD

We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.

Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm in another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
 `
I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.

Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite

I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's
soothing, nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.

I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite.
And itreminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible
in personal relationships.

So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.

Durable yet vulnerable

No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years. 
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.

Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.

The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime
as the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer
and autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.

Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.

Ingredients for Solid Relationships

And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From
'Breathing Room - Creating Space to Be a Couple':

- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork-working and playing together.

All of this woven together by open and direct
communication.

Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile

Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.

And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here.
Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were created by
fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from increasing
and decreasing pressure

You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide
was in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.

Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.

'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.

Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall

Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The walls
we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.

My personal wall is built of brick.

There used to be turrets on top. No light could get through.
It was a dark and lonely place. I grew up. I learned to feel
a little safer. And sunlight began to filter through.

I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick by brick.

Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. It's 
when I feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated,
patronized, condescended to, or dismissed. And guess what?

I can feel the wall growing back again. Brick by brick.

But it never gets as high as in the old days. Just high enough for
me to feel safe enough.

Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.

Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of?
Is it still with you at times? When does it come back?

Creating Sacred Space

I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed
by the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the
meadows are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows
symbolize sacred space.

An Experience in Contrasts

One day we drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.

What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks!

We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and
eat lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)

Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite
can be a metaphor about relationships.

The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness
of the snow reminded me of how relationships blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.

There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them.

These are differences in style which, when accepted and
respected, can enhance the relationship considerably. If we let them.

First we must make the choice to embrace differences rather then
consider them a threat.  Remember threats? And how easy it is
for that wall to go up.

The 'Take Away'

Of all the many relationship metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:

Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Any ideas?

I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

10. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'®
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230

9. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories ... Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'™
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
February, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
    MORE TOWARD THE HEART

Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude?  Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?

The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this 
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.

I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines  Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card.  A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.

I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.

I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.

2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'

I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.

I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me.  Probably forever.

I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.

I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.

Did I feel rejected?  I sure did. 

Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.

3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT

I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences.  I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.

And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:

By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?

By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.

By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to.  Not a word.

By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop. 
Nope. Doesn't happen.

By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.'  Does your face fall?

Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION

Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.

So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.

Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.

Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'

You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.

Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:

5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'

5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.

6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!

. . . . And on a personal note:

I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

"That Hurts My Feelings"

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
January, 2008

Welcome to the 15th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. A Thank-you Note from Hillary Clinton
2. Sticks and Stones . . .
3. How We Take Things Personally - Let Me Count the Ways
4. If You Win, Do I Lose?
5. So What Can You Do About It?
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. A THANK-YOU NOTE FROM HILLARY CLINTON

I have a note from Hillary Clinton, thanking me for my first book,
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! The book was passed along to
her by Tipper Gore. The note, dated August 12, 1999, is written on
creamy stationary; the signature is bold and blue. The  letterhead
says simply, The White House, Washington, D.C.

I sure hope Hillary has a chance to re-read this book.  It will
come in mighty handy during this campaign.

During the New Hampshire TV debate Charlie Gibson's colleague,
Scott Spradling, asked Senator Clinton, "What can you say to the
voters of New Hampshire on this stage tonight who see your resume
and like it but are hesitating on the likeability issue, where they
seem to like Barack Obama more?"

After a beat, Hillary acknowledged, "Well, that hurts my feelings."

And for a moment, it seemed her guard came down. For a moment
it seemed she was like the rest of us. We all have feelings that
sometimes get hurt.

Well, how about that? Hillary Clinton's feelings can get hurt. Like
yours or mine.
I can identify.  My feelings get hurt all the time.
And I bet some of you have been there too.

2. STICKS AND STONES . . .

The press is using some powerful words to to describe the current
political sparring. It's as if these words have jumped right off of
the pages of my books, articles, and seminar notes:

- Slighting
- Dismissing
- Discounting
- Discrediting
- Insulting
- Mocking
- Hurting
- Offending
- Affronting
- Judging
- Faulting
- Sniping
- Accusing
- Attacking
- Slamming
- Criticizing
- Smearing
- Bullying
- Humiliating

These are, or course, all facets of rejection. Do the images they
conjure up make you wince as much as they do me?

Some folks say Senator Clinton's surprising win in N.H. vote was
because she was close to tears the following day. I'm not so sure it
was just that.  I have my own theory about why votes swung to her.

I think her admission about hurt feelings touched many people.

Haven't most of us have experienced similar feelings?
Especially when we are confronted, embarrassed, or mortified in
public.

This e-letter is not meant to be a political statement.  However, I
don't believe I've ever experienced political campaigning where
there have been so many personal attacks. The ante gets upped and
and the bitterness grows each day.

It would be difficult not to take things personally in this
campaign. One personal affront after another is hurled through
space. Not exactly Ready. Aim. Fire.  More like Ready. Fire. Aim.

3. HOW WE TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY - LET ME COUNT THE WAYS

Let's look at some of the ways we take things personally:

-  Taking offense at and overreacting to perceived slights

-  Tending to believe there is intent even if there is not.

-  Taking things the wrong way, or taking things the right way but
   your feelings get easily hurt. 

-  Believing folks are taking sides -- for you or against
   you. 

-  Getting upset when other people don't see things the way you do. 

-  Feeling unfairly criticized, blamed or disrespected

-  Feeling slighted or wronged or even attacked.

-  Developing hurt feelings and misunderstandings

Taking things personally can lead to misunderstandings and hurt
feelings, disappointments, and breakdowns in communication.  It's
been known to lead to termination of jobs, friendships, and
romances. 

When we feel attacked, we mobilize to defend . . . and the battle
lines are drawn.

Sound familiar?

4. IF YOU WIN, DO I LOSE?

It's very easy in the arena of politics to draw battle lines.
Discussing politics with friends or family is all too often a
set-up for rejection and taking things personally. 

These "discussions" soon turn into arguments. Issues become
"right" or "wrong." People become polarized, "I'm right, you're wrong," or
"If you're right, that might make me wrong -- and I can't stand to be
wrong."

This polarization is not only playing out in the family arena. Now
it has expanded to the national arena. Candidate pitted against
candidate. Voter against voter.

5. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

First of all, learn to identify when you're taking something
personally and determine if rejection is the issue.  When you know
what it is you' re feeling, you can do something about changing it.
You might start with asking yourself a few questions to gain some
distance from the "charge."

    -  Am I taking this personally?  How?

    -  Is there any cause for me to feel threatened?
    -  Am I feeling rejected in some way?

Then practice "dis-identifying," taking a step back, staying
objective and detached.  Not easy to do, of course.  However
do-able with practice.

Using a little light humor helps a lot.  After all, isn't that
exactly what Hillary Clinton did after she acknowledged how she
felt about the "likeability" issue?

© Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year.
Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

You can order books and CDs directly from my website now.
http://www.QueenofRejection.com/publications.htm

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION^®
December, 2007

Welcome to the 13th issue of Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM)

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Holiday Gift-Giving - Avoiding Disappointments And Hurt Feelings
2. Each Family Has 'Their Way'
3. About Hurt Feelings – A Cautionary Tale
4. Avoiding Misunderstandings
5. Caring Is Not Symmetrical
6. Disappointments Feel Like Rejection
7. Gift-Giving Tips
8. Contacting Elayne
9. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. HOLIDAY GIFT-GIVING - AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENTS AND HURT FEELINGS
    By Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Giving and receiving gifts can surely make the Holidays stressful. Who
hasn't felt some anxiety about shopping for just the 'right'
present.

And truth be told, most of us have felt some disappointment on the
receiving end. Especially when you feel the giver of the gift just
doesn't 'get' you at all because they are so off base.

You  might tell yourself it really doesn't matter. And maybe
sometimes it doesn't.  But what when it DOES matter to you? What
about the times your feelings get hurt. Or the times you feel
slighted or offended.

Whenever I present a program on expectations and disappointments,
the subject of gift-giving generates so much discussion, it could
easily be an entire presentation. There is really a charge to the
subject of gift-giving.

The Holidays are prime times for gift-giving dilemmas. All too
often someone gets their feelings hurt ands takes something
personally.

Are they able to talk about their differences and work it out? Or
do all the hurts and resentments from the past year erupt? Do they
carry sit around for months or even years?

2. EACH FAMILY HAS 'THEIR WAY'

It's not surprising there are so many hurt feelings and
misunderstandings about gift-giving. After all, each of us grew up
in different families with different ways of giving and receiving
presents.

Gift-giving has different protocol from family to family. For
example, in some families it may perfectly OK to give checks or
gift cards (Oh wow, I get to buy what I want!) In other families
this seems like a slight (Didn't she care enough to go shopping for
me?)

Some families feel fine about exchanging a gift that's not quite
right. But in others, people wouldn't think of returning a gift —
they keep it even if they'll never use it, because taking it back
to the store feels disloyal or rude.

3. ABOUT HURT FEELINGS – A CAUTIONARY TALE

I write about how easy it is to get offended during the Holidays in
DON’T’ TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING WITH REJECTION.

In this situation, Elizabeth the mother, nursed hurt feelings for
six months after the exchange of Kwanzaa gifts before she talked to
her adult daughter about how hurt she was.

“I was surprised and felt misunderstood by my daughter's gifts to
me,” Elizabeth said. “Tracy has a good job now and when she kept
asking what I wanted, I told her to pick out something that she
thought I'd like. I was hoping she'd choose something that
represented my tastes, something that was me.

"My son guessed exactly what I'd like and bought me a satin robe. {!firstname_fix}I
guess I expected something like that from my daughter as well.

"She gave me three separate presents, and not one of them reflected
who I am. Her gifts seemed so impersonal; it felt like she didn't
understand me at all. Personalized gifts are so important to me
that I get disappointed if a good friend gives me a book without
inscribing it."

What were the gifts? Two wine glasses, a video by one of my
favorite entertainers, and a pair of knitting needles. It was the
needles that confused me the most. Why would she give me knitting
needles, when I haven't knitted in over twenty years?

"I was hurt because I thought she was hinting she wanted me to be
more motherly or matronly or something when she said, 'Maybe you'll
take up knitting again.' Tracy can't possibly remember back to when
I used to knit sweaters for her. She was only four years old. I
didn't know what to do with the needles so I tucked them away in a
drawer.”

I was very touched by Elizabeth's story. She took the meaning of
Tracy's gift personally, thinking her daughter wanted her to be a
different kind of mother. This prevented her from seeing how much
caring went into all three gifts.

Was it possible that Tracy purchased three presents in hopes that
one of them would please her? Elizabeth at first had difficulty
looking at it this way, but as we continued talking she said,
“Well, yes, now I can see that Tracy put some thought into buying
the gifts. Actually the glasses were handblown and quite lovely and
Tracy and I have enjoyed them when we drink wine together. And it's
true that the video is one of my favorites — Tracy's, too.”

But what about those knitting needles? “Yes, in fact, they were
very nice knitting needles, probably expensive and, yes, most
likely from a specialty knitting store.”

I wondered if those needles may have been a gift of love that
symbolized fond memories from long ago? Elizabeth again proclaimed
that Tracy was too young to remember the days when she knitted
those little sweaters.

But when mother and daughter talked about this in a joint therapy
session, Tracy did indeed remember those days.

“There's a knitting shop I sometimes pass, and each time I walk by,
I remember how you used to knit me those soft, warm sweaters when
I was a little girl. And Mom, I also remember hearing you say over
the years how you really should take up knitting again.' So I
decided to buy you some needles.”

Tracy's choice of gifts seemed to be a metaphor for how the past,
present, and future were energetically bound together.

4. AVOIDING MISUNDERSTANDINGS

For six months Elizabeth had felt misunderstood and hurt about the
presents, but hadn't expressed her feelings or checked out her
daughter's intent. Both Elizabeth and Tracy had leftover hurt
feelings from the giving and receiving of these presents. Tracy's
good intentions somehow got lost when she didn't explain the
intended special meanings. And Elizabeth's quick jump to
conclusions led her to misunderstand the nature of the gifts.

From the beginning, Elizabeth set herself up for disappointment
when she suggested Tracy buy her a gift that would please her
because Tracy couldn't read her mind. And Tracy presumed the
significance of her choice of gifts would be crystal clear to her
mother. But Elizabeth couldn't read Tracy's mind either.'

5. CARING IS NOT SYMMETRICAL

Caring is not symmetrical. There are probably as many ways of
showing it as there are people. There are probably just as many
ways of missing someone's intentions because their style of caring
is different from our own.
We learn styles of caring the same place we learn styles of
gift-giving. In our families.

6. DISAPPOINTMENTS FEEL LIKE REJECTION

Gift-giving is a surely a huge source of disappointments,
hurt feelings and misunderstandings during the holidays.
It's easy to take it personally if you don't get what you hoped
for.

But there’s even more rejection you can heap on if you are so
inclined.
You could tell yourself that the gift-giver doesn't care enough
about
you. After all, if they did they'd have known what you wanted for
a present.

And if you are the gift-giver, you can find ways to get
disappointed and even take it personally. Do you shop
for the 'right' present for someone. Then do you find
yourself anxiously waiting  to see the look on their face
when they open the present you so carefully chose.

Do you try to 'read' their reaction to your gift through their
expression
or body language?  What do you tell yourself?

Or do you shop for the perfect gift for someone, spending more
than you really wanted to, only to open their present to you and
find a sale item from the discount store? Do you get hurt?

And what about gift cards?  The media hype has been
"gift cards give someone the gift of shopping."  Well, true
enough for someone who loves to shop. They appreciate gift cards
because they get the anticipation of looking for and picking out
the perfect gift for themselves. 

Yet for someone else, receiving a gift card feels like a
personal affront. They might even tell themselves that the giver
doesn't care enough about them to do the shopping.

Again, here's a situation where disappointments feel like
rejection.

Some of us have never gotten over childhood
disappointments. When a new disappointment comes our way,
it brings up some of those old childhood memories and feelings. We
may even go into our child 'default' position. Sometimes we
overreact in the present to experiences from the past.

The disappointments can go along with the giving and receiving of
gifts contribute to the stress of the Holidays. What can you do to
make gift-giving go more smoothly?

7. GIFT-GIVING TIPS

You've most likely developed your own useful ways of handling
gift-giving. I'd like to hear from you what works in your situation.

Here are a few tips to consider:

-Know what YOU want.  If you don't know, how can you expect anyone
else to try to figure it out.

-Don't 'hint around.' No one can read your mind. Be direct about
what you want. Surprises are great as long as you can keep from
getting disappointed.

- You could offer two or three gift suggestions. OR even pick out
two things you really love at your favorite store or online site.
asking the person who will buying you a gift choose which one to
buy for you. This way you can be sure it’s a gift you want.

It even has a bit of surprise element as well because you don’t
know which gift they'll choose. It’s worth having a little less
surprise in order to have lots less anxiety for both of you about
the gift-giving.
They’ll love you for making it easy and you get something you
really want.

Besides gift-giving, the other big-ticket Holiday
stressor is family gets-togethers.

And if you want some suggestions for surviving that family
holiday dinner, here are the tips from last month’s TIPS FROM THE
QUEEN OF REJECTION – Giving Gratitude or ‘Attitude.’
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/11/index.html

© 2007 Elayne Savage, Ph.D.

Wishing you Happy Holidays,
Until next time,
Elayne

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/5cg598

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A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2e3objs 

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