Tips from THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
June, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
2. The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw
3. Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships
4. A Turning Point
5. Contacting Elayne
6. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

Coping with Sudden and Unexpected Loss
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

I lost my long-time friend Bill a few days ago.  It was sudden and
unexpected. A stroke. He died before the day was over.

Bill is the first of my close peers to die. It's hitting me hard.

Bill and I were San Francisco Social Workers. We knew each other
casually in the late 60's. We'd pass in the hall, nod and go about
our business.

Then one day we rode the elevator together. "Hey, I hear you're a
Scorpio chick" he said in his quiet, measured way. Turns out we
both have November birthdays.

That conversation was the beginning of a Scorpio bond that has
lasted 40 years.

Somewhere along the way (25 or so years ago) we started
exchanging birthday cards. We never missed a year.

The Damned Ugliest Dog I Ever Saw

Our friendship grew when we were assigned to the same Child
Welfare Unit and we ended up sitting next to each other.

We didn't get much work done, but we talked a lot. Mostly
about our fears, our disappointments, our dreams, our fantasies.
And we exchanged some secrets, too.

One day Bill told me about his household pet. A wolf. What a
tip-off to how unique and unusual my desk mate really was. He
grinned that sly Bill grin and quoted his landlady, "That's the
damned ugliest dog I ever saw."

We did a lot of grousing about the system and the bosses and how
frustrating it was trying to make a difference with the families
we served. Thankless work, difficult work environment, but we
could support and make a difference for each other.

I learned some fascinating stuff about Bill from our wonderful
talks.

And I learned so much FROM him as well. He taught me many life
lessons.

He showed me how to figure out what the mood of the day would
be in our unit. How we could 'read' our supervisor's mood by
listening to the sound of how she walked into the office.
(Actually, this lesson refreshed an old skill I'd developed
as a child when I leaned to 'read' my parents moods and to
stay out of their way.)

One day Bill talked to me about how he was preparing for lunch
with an old friend. He carefully thought out questions in advance
that he could ask during his time with his friend. He actually
strategized the conversation. Wow. I've always totally flown by
the seat of my pants. What a revelation in conversation
possibilities.

Bill taught me how to stay sane in an insane work environment.
He taught me how to relax a little and not take my job (or myself)
so seriously.

And he taught me how to not take things so personally as well.
And that was decades before I wrote the 'Don't Take it Personally!'
book! Imagine that.

Mostly I'm grateful to Bill for opening my perspective on viewing
the world. His take on things and reflections has truly illuminated
new terrain for me over the years.

It's been 25 years since I Ieft that toxic work environment. Bill retired a
few years after I left.

Honoring, Nurturing and Preserving Friendships

I wish we had kept in touch more often. Sometimes years passed
without face-to-face contact.

Yet there were always the birthday cards.

These last years, sometimes he'd warn me a card might be a little late
because he and his wife Tuzie were in Russia or Ireland or Australia.
But the card always arrived. And it was always special. In fact, every
one was unusual. Very Bill.

And I got to choose a card to send him each year too. Shopping
for a card for him was an adventure. I put a lot of energy into
finding the 'right' statement that would honor Bill's spirit and
uniqueness.

Each friendship has its own specialness and cadence and energy.
Sometimes it's not necessary to be in direct or even frequent
contact with someone we care about.

The essence of that person is infused into our heart, mind and soul.
They become part of our being.

Bill was such a person for me. Bigger than life. And we always
seemed to be able to pick up where we left off.

Much of our contact this last year and a half has been around
my e-letters. I've loved receiving emails with his thoughtful
reflections. He'd say how something I wrote 'struck a chord' for
him.

And he'd write me his thoughts at 3 or 4am, recounting how his
memories came flooding back about a particular life experience.
Or about some conundrum. Or some vision or hope.

So now I'm struggling with the realization that there won't be
anymore thoughtful email exchanges. Or birthday cards. Or walks
and talks about the meaning of life.  Recently we experienced a
new kind of bond when I joined Bill in the ranks of
grandparenthood. There won't be any more conversations about
that, either.

A Turning Point

As I said earlier, Bill is the first of my close peers to die.
His death has brought home a reminder of the preciousness of
friendship.

I’m such an old hand at experiencing loss. I'm a little surprised
I’m having such a hard time with the loss of Bill.

I was out of town when I got the voicemail message from a friend
of his family asking me to call Bill's wife. When you get a
message like that, you know something big is up. I was totally
unprepared when Bill's wife Tuzie told me he'd had 'a massive
cerebral hemorrhage' and died the same day.

You may be thinking that my struggle with Bill's death is about
my own mortality. You are right. His death brings me face to face
with my own fears. Big time.

After all, Bill was just a few years older than me. And here's
something else as well. Something I've never told anyone. When
I was 7 years old my mom told me the story of a neighbor kid who
died of a brain hemorrhage. Looking back, I can see she was most
likely passing along to me her own anxiety about this child's
death. I grew up believing such a thing could happen to me too.

And now it has happened to Bill. So the fears of that 7-year-old
just came alive. In living color.

There's another even bigger fear present as well. My overwhelming
fear of abandonment - that people I care about will leave. I’m
especially vulnerable when partings are sudden or unexpected.

Some of you know about the plane crash that took my mother and
grandmother when I was twelve. Each time I endure a loss, I relive
the fears of that child.
Poof. They are gone and I'm alone. And the burning question
endures: "What's going to happen to me?"

Losses come in so many shapes, sizes, textures and colorations. 
And big or small, they tend to stockpile. The layers build, just
waiting to reappear whenever the next loss to appears. In order to
grieve a loss and move on, we have to make the loss real.

I guess I'm doing this by immersing myself in memories of Bill and
in saved email correspondence from him, and as I write this now.

These losses and fears are swirling around me as I write. A blast
of chill air starts in the pit of my stomach, moves to the small
of my back, up my spine to the nape of my neck and across my
shoulders.

There are moments when it's difficult to breathe. I want to
open the window and take in big gulps of air.

I want to cry, but the sound gets stuck in my throat. It comes out
as a moan. Sometimes it sounds more like a wail.
Plaintive. Forlorn. Aching.

And at the same time, I can see that my way of dealing with the
loss of Bill is a turning point for me. I can see how my ability
to take care of myself now is quite different then in times past.

That 12 year old couldn't ask for help. And when it was offered,
couldn't or wouldn't accept it. The person I am now seeks support
and comfort from people in my life. And yesterday when someone
I know heard about my loss and offered me a hug, I could receive
it. It felt good.

So Bill, I guess I can thank you for that too.

For more about loss and abandonment, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/08/index.html

For more about making loss real, go to
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/10/index.html

I'd love to share more of Bill's essence with you. You can
learn more about him at
http://www.legacy.com/SFGate/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=111767191

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/24ybck

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-62

Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Relationship Lessons from Yosemite

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION ®
May 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
  1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
  2. Magnetized by the energy of the granite
  3. Durable yet vulnerable
  4. Ingredients for solid relationships
  5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile
  6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall
  7. Creating Sacred Space
  8. An Experience in Contrast
  9. The 'Take Away'
 10. Contacting Elayne
 11. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. Relationship Lessons from Yosemite
    By Elayne Savage, PhD

We just spent five magical and transcendent days in Yosemite.
The first word that comes to mind is 'other-worldly.' What a
spectacular and awesome experience.

Yosemite offers an amazing combination of ruggedness and serenity.
I'm another dimension of consciousness as I take in vistas of
soaring granite walls, springtime cascading waterfalls, gushing
streams, lush forests, and serene meadows.
 `
I have to catch my breath at the wonderment of it all.


2. Magnetized by the Energy of the Granite

I find myself becoming magnetized by the granite and it's soothing,
nurturing, restorative, caressing energy.

I experience a powerful exchange of energy with the granite. And it
reminds me of the powerful exchanges of energy possible in personal
relationships.

So using Yosemite as a backdrop and metaphor for relationships,
let's take a look at some examples.


3. Durable yet vulnerable

No wonder there is a sense of timelessness about the cliffs.
Conditions for their formation began millions of years ago. And
they have existed in their present state for thousands of years. 
Some of the cliffs rise 3000 to 4000 feet from the valley floor,
which itself is 4000 feet above sea level.

Timeless. Eternal. A solid foundation, rooted deeply in the earth.

The waterfalls are a different story. They renew each springtime as
the melting snow cascades over the granite. By late summer and
autumn as the snowpack dwindles, the falls become a barely
discernable trickle. In the spring, they flow anew. The rivers and
streams gush with renewed energy.

Renewable. Replenishing. Refreshing.


4. Ingredients for solid relationships

And so it is with relationships. Relationships can be as durable as
the granite cliffs. Especially with a little help from regular
renewing and refreshing some important ingredients (From 'Breathing
Room-Creating Space to Be a Couple':

- giving and accepting respect
- the ability to trust
- allowing sincerity, honesty, authenticity and vulnerability
- the capacity for teamwork-working and playing together.


5. Seemingly Solid Yet Fragile

Those majestic granite walls seem so solid. So timeless. So eternal.

And yet . . . There are signs of fragility and vulnerability here
as well. Geologists tell us the unusual rock formations were
created by fractures within the rock. Many of these arise from
increasing and decreasing pressure.

You'll see another sign of fragility as well. Notice the boulders,
rocks and stones. This is the 'talus', the debris from rockslides
and rock avalanches below the cliffs. The most recent rockslide was
in 1996 when 60-80,000 tons, crashed 1800 feet into the valley.

Yes, these natural processes continue to shape Yosemite Valley.

'Rock slides' shape our relationships as well. But it's not all
bad.This can take a positive course if we use them as
stepping-stones to bolster and strengthen our relationships.


6. Knock, Knock. I Can't Get Through Your Wall

Looking up at these granite walls surrounding Yosemite Valley, I
can't help but think of walls we build in our relationships. The
walls we build when we don't feel safe and secure. The walls I know
I'm very good at building when I need to protect myself.

My personal wall is built of brick. There used to be turrets on
top. No light could get through. It was a dark and lonely place. I
grew up. I learned to feel a little safer. And sunlight began to
filter through. I noticed the wall was beginning to lower. Brick
by brick.

Even now, when I feel threatened I tend to protect myself once
again. The threat usually comes from a look or tone of voice. I
feel disrespected in some way. Perhaps invalidated, patronized,
condescended to, or dismissed.  And guess what. The wall starts to
grow again. Brick by brick.

But it never gets very high. Just high enough for me to feel safe
enough.

Trouble is, walls create barriers and keep us from connecting to
the other person.

Did you build a wall, too? Do you remember what it was made of? Is
it still with you at times? When does it come back?


7. Creating Sacred Space

I gaze in wonderment at the secluded mountain meadows framed by
the towering granite mountains and the forests. To me the meadows
are a place to breathe, a respite. To me the meadows symbolize
sacred space.


8. An Experience in Contrasts

One day Burt and I drove to the High Country even though we knew
part of Tioga Road may be closed. It often is this time of year
because of the snow.

What an experience in contrasts! On this wonderfully warm and
sunny day, we found ourselves driving through snow banks.

We trudged through snow to sit on the bank of a small lake and eat
our lunch in the warm sun. It was tempting to have a snowball
fight or build a snowman (or woman.)

Again I was reminded of how sights and experiences in Yosemite can
be a metaphor about relationships.

The contrasts between the warmth of the day and the coldness of
the snow reminded me of how relationships can blow hot and cold.
Sometimes this happens when that protective wall comes up.
Sometimes it's because of a "go away a little closer" message:
We have a need for closeness, yet a fear of it. So we might give
out conflicting (and confusing) messages.

There are also the quite wonderful contrasts in relationships that
can add so much. If we let them. These are differences in style
which, when accepted and respected, can enhance the relationship
considerably. If we let them. First we must make the choice to
embrace differences rather then consider them a threat.  Remember
threats? And how easy it is for that wall to go up.



9. The 'Take Away'

Of all the relationship many metaphors I noticed in Yosemite,
here is the primary one I carried away:

Just as the waterfalls renew each year and flow into the heart of
Yosemite Valley, relationships, too, can be refreshed and renewed.
And there's nothing quite like the energy that flows from heart to
heart.

'Til next month,
Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Any ideas?

I welcome your ideas on how to expand this piece of writing about
ways we can reflect upon the relationship metaphors nature provides
to us.

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/24ybck

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-62

10. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

Rejection Letters – Handling or Mishandling?

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION™
April 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1.  Rejection Letters - Handling or Mishandling
2.  Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last
3.  Putting on the Pressure
4.  Confusing Boundary Confusion
5.  Confused Vicarious Parents
6.  Elayne Meets 'The Saint'
7.  Letting Parents Down
8.  Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters
9.  Contacting Elayne 
10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. REJECTION LETTERS - HANDLING OR MISHANDLING?
    
    By Elayne Savage, PhD 

I participated in some media interviews recently that shook me up a bit. One was on bullies and bullying behavior for the San Francisco Chronicle. The other was an interview for Forbes.com on handling college rejection letters.

Participating in both of these interviews reminded me how most of us have to deal with these kinds of rejections throughout our lives.

Take the bully situation. My first being bullied experience was on the school playground. I was in kindergarten. I've been dealing with toxic people and bullies ever since. Not only do I live it. I also see it every day in my coaching and psychotherapy practices. And there's a reason my Dealing with Difficult People Workshop is so popular.

I've written about bullying in past "Tips from The Queen of Rejection e-letters:
Last month (March 2008): http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2008/03/take-those-mise.html

April 2007 http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/04/index.html

and May 2007
http://queenofrejection.typepad.com/tips/2007/05/index.html

2. Your First Rejection Letter Most Likely Won't Be Your Last

Rejection letters are not only from college admission offices. You'll probably have to deal with rejection letters more than once in your life. Maybe from a job application, from a boss turning down your pay raise request, from the decision maker about a project you've proposed, or even from a gallery, editor or casting director.

The Forbes.com piece on handling college rejection letters is timely for sure. This is the month college acceptance or rejection letters go out. This is the time when everyone in the household is waiting and hoping for the arrival of a fat envelope from the longed for college. You know. Fat. Fat enough to contain all the forms to fill out that come with news of an acceptance.

But what if a thin envelope shows up in the mailbox instead? Thin enough to contain that one page rejection form letter.  How does the applicant deal with the disappointment?  How do other family members react?

And for that matter, who is more disappointed, the student or the family?

Hana Alberts, a reporter at Forbes.com, does a terrific job covering the college rejection letter issue.

Follow the links here to view the articles:

http://tinyurl.com/5ckqy

http://tinyurl.com/6cbck3

Note that Forbes did a series on college rejection so there are other links as well.

The Forbes reporter and I discussed struggles parents and students have during the application process. We talked about ways the rejected teen can handle the situation.

We also talked about the parents' tendency to become overly invested in the outcome.

3. Putting on the Pressure

If parents have their hearts set on a certain college for their child, they may put on the pressure. That particular school may not be the right fit at all for the student. Yet the parent pushes for it. And pushes and pushes.

What if the student feels pushed beyond their comfortable limits? What if they are unable or afraid to say "no?"  This is when continued pressure can feel coercive.

Why does this pushing occur? Some parents don't know how to separate their own needs from those of their children. Sometimes parents get confused about what is best for their kids. Instead, it becomes about what is best for the parent.

4. Confusing Boundary Confusion

For the sake of definition, let's call this type of confusion: confusion of personal boundaries.

The parents' needs overshadow the child's needs. The student loses his or her sense of identity by trying so hard to please parents, not wanting to let them down.

The student might feel like a non-person with no needs. Feeling like a non-person is a bit like feeling invisible. Like you don't count. Feeling discounted equals feeling rejected.

There are lots of situations where parents' boundary confusion occurs. The "hit-a-home-run-for-me" parent makes the softball game about him or herself. Their child's home run is their home run.

The stage-mom mom (or dad) takes on their child's stage triumph as their own. And they take it personally if their offspring flubs a line or misses a cue.

5. Confused Vicarious Parents

Parents of college applicants get caught up in this mushy boundary web as well. Their child's acceptance becomes their acceptance. A rejection is experienced as if it were the parent's own rejection.

Again, for the sake of definition let's call this type of parent: 'vicarious parent.'
And for the sake of being fair, parents are usually not aware of the vicarious nature of their interactions with their children.

American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines 'vicarious' as: Felt or undergone as if one were taking part in the experience or feelings of another

Dictionary.com Unabridged says: Performed, exercised, received, or suffered in place of another

Parents who tend to live vicariously through their children are usually a bit unclear about where they stop and their child begins. They encourage their children to achieve in a way that meets the parent's own unmet goals. And the goal is sometimes not realistic for the child at all. Instead it's the parents' unfulfilled dreams that they urge their child to carry out.

These kinds of dreams often propel parents to follow their own agendas, without regard for the best interest of the child. It's often about the 'performer' the parent had hopes of becoming: on the playing field, on the stage, in school.

When you get right down to it, the child might feel dismissed, disregarded or even discarded. Each of these feels like a rejection. And they are.

Here's how I describe vicarious parenting in 'Don't Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection'

"These parents see their children’s performance in life as a reflection of their own competence. If the children do well, the parents feel like good parents, successful parents. If the children fall below expectations, the parents feel inadequate and shamed. Then the children are often made to feel inadequate and shamed.

The children may lose their sense of self, trading 'self' for service to the parents."

http://tinyurl.com/24ybck

It's the on the stage part that I'm most familiar with. My mother wanted me to be the star she never became. From the time I was very young, she pushed me into the spotlight. Sometimes I didn't want to go. But I didn't dare say no.

6. Elayne Meets 'The Saint '

My mother's first big push to make me a star was when I was 6 years old. I remember it was my birthday party. My friends and I were eating ice cream and cake when the phone rang. It was for me.

A man from the Washington Post asked to speak to me. "Congratulations little girl. Your poem just won our big contest for the new comic strip, “The Saint. Your prize is to read it on the radio."

I was very confused. I didn't know what he was talking about. I didn't know anything about a contest. I didn’t write any poem.

But my mother knew all about it. She wrote the poem. Making it sound as if six year old might write it. And she didn't tell me. She just sent it to the newspaper.

How was I going to read the poem on the radio? I couldn't read very well. Her answer was to make me memorize it. Every night after dinner I stood in front of my mother practicing the poem. She's say each line and I'd repeat after her. Again. And again.

I'll never forget the poem I didn't write: 

'I like to read the Post each day
To see what The Saint has to say.
His deeds and actions thrill me most,
That’s why I like to read the Post.'

The words were drilled into my head. Day after day. There was some very serious drilling during the long streetcar ride across town to the radio station.

At the studio all the gleaming microphones overwhelmed me. The booming voice of the show host made me nervous. I stood in front of the microphone, feeling like a fraud, pretending I wrote the poem. And scared to death.

The time arrived to say my poem.
I messed up. I forgot the words.

My parents were embarrassed. No, that really doesn't describe it. They were mortified. All their friends and relatives had tuned in to the station that afternoon. And their 'big star' daughter messed up and let them down big time.

7. Letting Parents Down

Over the years this same scenario replayed following dance recitals and plays. They would be especially upset with me when their friends or relatives were in the audience. Each time I’d see that disappointed look on my mother’s face. Each time I felt like I could never be good enough. Each time I felt let her down.

And that brings us back to the college rejection situation. When that too-thin envelope shows up in the mail, students sometimes feel that they have let their parents down.

So many people are waiting to see what the college admissions office decides. The student, the parents, the school counselor, relatives, friends. It isn't just the applicant's disappointment. It's shouldering the expectations and disappointments of what must feel like the whole world.

Waiting for a decision from colleges brings on another family situation. How do they deal with anxiety? Everyone has anxiety while waiting, but here boundary confusion again enters in. During stressful situations anxious feelings can get passed around from person to person.

For example, the parent might be experiencing memories of past rejections or disappointments. As the tension builds the teen may be absorbing their parent's fears and anxiety.

This situation is similar to the exchange of anxiety that occurs in some families on the first day of preschool or kindergarten. The child's own nervousness increases as it becomes a reflection of the parent's anxieties.

For example let's say that the parent is re-experiencing their own difficult "first day" at school. And the child picks up the tension. When this happens, they are not just dealing with their own worries but with their parent's worries as well.

8. Tips for Dealing with Rejection Letters:

• Remind yourself it's not personal. Colleges (or potential employers, or meeting planners or galleries are looking for a fit. It's something like auditioning for a play you long to be cast in. And even thought you know you are talented and terrific, you don't get the role. An actor I know reminds herself that not getting a part is no reflection on her talent. She has a placard on her office wall that reminds her:  'It's selection, not rejection.'

• Both parents and teens would do well to try to try to keep personal boundaries straight. To understand what feelings belong to whom. What goals belong to who. And what disappointments belong to whom. Passing feelings and anxiety around the family only adds another layer of tension to the situation.

• Labeling and expressing feelings of rejection and disappointment helps you to deal with the loss. And it IS a loss.

• Try hard to see that there is a future after rejection. Remind yourself that making good grades and transferring is always possible. If your choice of career needs graduate school, remind yourself that the graduate school attended makes undergraduate college have less far less importance.

• And again, here are the 8 Tips from 8 Experts For Handling College Rejection Letters - on Forbes.com:

http://tinyurl.com/6gbjln

I've learned over the years that rejection experiences, no matter what form they take, are interconnected, have similarities and keep popping up throughout our lives.

I invite you to write to me with your own stories and let me know where you would like to see Tips from The Queen of Rejection(TM) focus in the months to come.

Until next month,

Elayne

© 2008 Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/24ybck

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:

Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

9.. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

10. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories . . . Please

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION(TM)
March, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. Take Those Miserable Middle School Memories . . . Please
2. The Many Faces of Discrimination
3. The Indignity of 'Cootie Catchers'
4. "I'm Really a Fraud"
5. Tips For Choosing to Act Like a Grownup
6. Contacting Elayne
8. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. TAKE THOSE MISERABLE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMORIES
     . . . PLEASE
     By Elayne Savage, PhD

I just got hit with a rejection-flashback-triple-whammy.

Three recent events brought me face to face with childhood and adolescent experiences I thought I'd buried long ago.

Lynn Price was a main stage speaker at the recent National Speakers Association Western Workshop. She spoke with passion and power about growing up as a foster child separated from her sister. She is now internationally recognized for her work in child advocacy. 

As Lynn spoke I realized something about myself. I guess you could say I was a foster-child-in-my-own-home. After my mother died my father took a job traveling. He hired a live-in housekeeper to care for my brother, Lee, and me.  She was cruel.

Lots of feelings bubbled up for me as Lynn Price spoke.

But that was just the beginning. Two weeks later I attended a fundraiser for Challenge Day. This amazing organization provides programs which build connection and empathy for kids in middle and high school.

During the event, young people spoke of their loneliness, about feeling left out, being the object of name-calling and rumors, and teasing, harassment and bullying. As I listened I started to cry. Along with just about everyone in the room.

Truth be told, I was re-experiencing some devastating experiences from my early years.

I was sitting there feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was remembering that miserable young person who once tried to strangle herself. Yes me. As you may guess I lost consciousness. My hands dropped away from my throat before I could do the deed. It IS a funny visual. Now. Not then.

Two days later I had yet another powerful deja vu experience. I was being filmed for a documentary on childhood and teenage depression. As the director, cameraman and sound engineer recorded me, I shared stories from my work with children and adolescents. And of course, some of the stories were my own.

I talked about loneliness and feeling left out. I described how it feels to be the object of name-calling and rumors. I gave examples of getting teased, harassed and bullied.

My voice was cracking as I spoke. I think the director, camera and sound guys might have been affected by my stories as well. I could hear it in their voices.

Yes. Rejection hurts. Isn't it amazing how all these years later we find ourselves smarting from the sting of those early rejections. 

The pain never goes away.

And I can't push the old pain back into the box so easily this time.
It's been swirling around me. Creeping into my consciousness. Calling out for understanding and attention.

2. THE MANY FACES OF DISCRIMINATION

I had a similar experience writing the "Friends Today, Gone Tomorrow" Chapter on peer rejection in my first book, 'Don't Take It Personally!' So many long-forgotten memories were turning up. 

Some of the peer rejection I experienced was because I'm Jewish. Prejudice is hard to explain to yourself when you are a young person.

We lived in a row house in D.C. My best friend was the girl next door. I couldn't understand why her parents, aunts and uncles would spit on our porch. then one day Marian spit over the porch railing too. I was crushed. I remember wondering, "What I did wrong?" Why were they all so mad at me?"

3. THE INDIGNITY OF 'COOTIE CATCHERS'

Even one ugly action or name-calling incident can lead to a negative self-image that follows us into adulthood.

One day some friends and I were sitting around discussing how these
kinds of experiences stood out. We began reminiscing about the taunting that went on. Someone remembered the "Cootie Catchers."

Maybe some of you have experienced the Cootie Catcher indignity. Cootie Catchers are hand-folded paper origami-like contraptions. Someone swipes it over your skin or hair and proclaims that they caught cooties. Cooties are creepy crawly thingies, diseases, etc. that might be on you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cooties

Kathleen shared a vivid memory,  “A boy at school called me the worst possible
name. He said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cootie.’ I was crushed, and I’ve never forgotten that incident.”

Our friend Martin speculated, “I’ll bet you were a really cute little girl. Maybe that boy actually said, ‘Kathleen, you’re a cutie’.”

Kathleen’s eyes widened, her face softened, “Do you think that might be true? Do you suppose if I hadn’t been so ashamed and told my father what happened, he’d have reassured me and said the same thing?

You mean I didn’t have to believe all these years that someone thought I was a
cootie?

Trouble is, we don't tell anyone about what happened. We don't confide how hurt we are. We carry it around with us. Sometimes for years. And years.

Our self-esteem plummets, we struggle to trust people in our world. Is it any wonder we might even have work and personal relationship difficulties?

4. "I'M REALLY A FRAUD"

Over the years many consultation and coaching clients have said to me: "If you only knew me, you'd see how defective I really am. You'll find out I'm really a fraud under all my pretenses."

And sometimes folks want others to find out the truth. Unwittingly they sabotage themselves. The spotlight of disclosure shines glaringly on them.
I've been thinking a lot about this lately when Eliot Spitzer leaped into the news. Or perhaps you recognize yourself in the description.  I know I do.

5. TIPS FOR CHOOSING TO ACT LIKE A GROWNUP

OK, so what can we do to not get so mired in those miserable memories?
What can we do to stay in the present and function in our adult selves?

Here are some considerations:

- Can you appreciate that two sides of you may co-exist?
There is the young, sometimes defenseless person. And there is the grownup.

- Can you appreciate the attributes of each?

- Can you empathize with (and even embrace) that young part of you?

- Can you show compassion rather than contempt for that sometimes helpless person?

- Can you walk alongside yourself. Give yourself some breathing room. Create enough distance so you are not feeling overwhelmed by those often powerful young feelings.

- Which part of you do you WANT to experience now?  Can you make that choice?

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/24ybck

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

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PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.

On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart

TIPS FROM THE QUEEN OF REJECTION(TM)
February, 2008

IN THIS ISSUE
1. On Valentines Day - Away from the Hype and More Toward the Heart
2. 'Wishing and hoping . . . and planning and dreaming'
3. Programmed to Expect Disappointment
4. Disappointment Feels a Lot Like Rejection
5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day
6. Contacting Elayne
7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

1. ON VALENTINES DAY - AWAY FROM THE HYPE AND
    MORE TOWARD THE HEART

Here comes Cupid. What are his arrows coated with this year?
Love and Feelings of Gratitude?  Or yet another Valentine's Day
Disappointment?

The push toward spending and buying doesn't help, either.
I know I think this every year, however I'm positive that this 
year candy and hearts were on display a month earlier than usual.
I think maybe 5 days after Christmas.

I decided to take fabulous care of myself this Valentines  Day.
I bought myself a wonderful card.  A nice mix of charming, funny
and sentimental. I actually put a postage stamp on it and mailed it
to myself.

I'm also shopping for just the right gift, too.

I want to start a new Valentines Day movement - away from the hype
and more toward the heart.

2. ''WISHING AND HOPING . . . AND PLANNING AND DREAMING'

I wish I'd known how to take better care of myself in grade school
on Valentines Day. Instead, I spent way too much time wishing and
hoping to receive valentines. Like the popular kids did.

I do think the agony of those early years left a residue of yuck
about Valentines Day for me.  Probably forever.

I still remember those miserable years when I felt so left out of
the Valentines Day 'scene'. I used to fantasize about being one of
ones who got the most valentines. Truth be told, I hardly got any.

I just hated it when the most popular girls would go around asking
everyone, "How many did YOU get?" And proceed to brag about their
abundance of love notes.

Did I feel rejected?  I sure did. 

Then of course, the critical self-rejecting messages took over.
Who was I to even think that cutie one row over and two rows back
would be EVER be interested in me. What a disappointment.

3. PROGRAMMED TO EXPECT DISAPPOINTMENT

I guess there are lots of folks out there with some of the same
miserable childhood Valentines Day experiences.  I hear similar
stories all the time from friends, colleagues and clients. About
how they seem to be programmed to EXPECT disappointment.
Especially on Valentines Day.

And we often set ourselves up for disappointment:

By telling yourself 'if you really love me, you'll read your mind.'
Does your sweetie fail the test - unable to guess what you're
longing for?

By dropping hints like crazy. Crossing your fingers and hoping your
sweetie will read your mind.

By craving your honey will surprise you with reservations for that
new trendy restaurant that you've been dying to go to.  Not a word.

By having your heart set on a special Valentine gift. That new
book you've been wanting or something from your favorite shop. 
Nope. Doesn't happen.

By expecting a special card with tender sentiment. And it says
only: 'Happy Valentines Day.'  Does your face fall?

Oh, and there's that Valentines Day frenzy at work. All day you
watch co-workers receive gorgeous flowers or those too-cute teddy
bears. You just know you'll be the next recipient. But there's no
delivery for you. How embarrassing. And you really had your hopes
up. Another disillusionment.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT FEELS A LOT LIKE REJECTION

Are you disappointed yet again? Are you feeling hurt and rejected?
Do you take it personally? Yep.

So what to do about it? Clearly subtle hints are not working.
Obvious hints are not working so well either.

Saying clearly what you yearn for will get results. Most folks
appreciate being educated to what their partner wants. Then they
don't have to guess.

Try out something like this: 'Here's what I'd like most on
Valentines Day. I'd like a card, some flowers and going out to
dinner with you at our special restaurant.'

You CAN make this Valentines Day a success by avoiding
disappointments and hurt feelings.

Here are my classic getting-through-Valentines-Day success tips:

5. 7 Sure-fire Ways to a Successful Valentines Day

If you are part of a couple:

1. Stop crossing your fingers and hoping your sweetheart will
readyour mind. Be direct, communicating clearly what you yearn for.

2. Keep your Valentines expectations realistic and do-able.
Otherwise, it's a set-up for disappointment.

3. Don't let the fear of buying the wrong present ruin the
occasion. Some folks even avoid celebrating Valentines Day for
fear of buying the wrong card or gift.

4. Remind yourself that you both grew up in different families
with different styles of gift giving. Can you respect your
partner's 'ways?'

5. Don't mistake 'not thinking' for 'not caring.' Your partner's
way of approaching this day may be different from yours. Try not
to feel slighted if it's 'not the way you'd do it.' This goes for
gift-giving as well.

6. Don't try too hard to be 'creative' in YOUR gift giving. Just
be you expressing your appreciation of your partner. On the other
hand, a little planning is a great idea so Valentines Day doesn't
seem like an 'afterthought.'

7. AND don't take it personally. Dwelling on it takes up way too
much energy and relationship space. Make room instead for
connection and intimacy.

If you are unattached:

1. Spend the day loving YOU. You are worth it!

2. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to YOUR favorite
flowers.

3. Treat yourself to that little gift you've been hankering for.

4. Take yourself to lunch or dinner.

5. Allow appreciation for the people you are lucky enough to love
in your little corner of the world.

6. Allow gratitude for the people who care about you.

7. Consider ways you can make even a bigger difference in
giving and receiving love, perhaps spreading your light in a
wider arc than just your little corner of the world.

This year I followed some of my own advice from this list. I took
really good care of myself.
And it felt great!

. . . . And on a personal note:

I'm grateful for Burt being in my life the last 4 years and 4
months. (He could tell you exactly how many days, but I've never
been very good at math.) Burt has taught me to expect to be loved.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Until next time,
Elayne

© 2008  Elayne Savage, PhD

Elayne Savage is the author of books published in 9 languages.

To order DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY! THE ART OF DEALING
WITH REJECTION from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/24ybck

To order BREATHING ROOM — CREATING SPACE TO BE
A COUPLE from Amazon:
http://tinyurl.com/2evgul

REPRINTING THESE e-LETTERS

You can use the articles in 'Tips from The Queen of Rejection'(TM)
as long as you include a complete attribution and, whenever
possible, a live link to my website. Please notify me where and
when the material will appear.

The attribution should include this information:
Elayne Savage, Ph.D. is a communication coach, professional
speaker, practicing psychotherapist and author. To find out
more about her programs, and services visit
http://www.QueenofRejection.com
or call 510-540-6230.

6. Contacting Elayne

I welcome your feedback as well as suggestions for topics you'd
like to see addressed in this e-letter.

Here's how you can reach me:

Elayne Savage
elayne@QueenofRejection.com
510-540-6230, 2607 Alcatraz Avenue, Berkeley, CA 94708

7. Privacy Notice and Subscription Information

PRIVACY POLICY:  Your name and email address are confidential.
I will not rent, trade or sell your contact information to anyone.